Tuesday, June 30, 2009

that's a good thing

dear martha,

so, last week it was announced that oprah (you know, that b*tch that you want to shank) was going to pay for her staff of 100 employees to go on a mediterranean cruise.

well, that got me thinking about you, and what kind of boss you are. well, my mind starting wandering and i imagine that you throw things. a lot. i envision a naomi campbell-esqe flair. except you don't throw phones.

no, i like to think you throw things like flower arrangements, festive garlands, or pumpkin chandeliers. follow me as my mind lets loose on how i think one of your "episodes" goes down. i like to call it valentine theater . so please, turn off your cell phone, no talking and discard of all waste in the proper receptacles on your way out. thank you.



scene: a normal day at the mstew everyday show set

mstew: where is that f**king daft girl with the glitter?

(fdg runs in, out of breath, soaked from the torrential down pour outside)

fdg: sorry. sorry i'm late.

mstew: where have you been? you have kept me waiting.

fdg: it's really raining outside, i almost got hit by a bike messenger....


(frantically cutting off fdg)

mstew: did anything happen to the glitter?!?!

fdg: no.....it's fine. i am too, in case you care (she whispers quietly and hands the glitter to mstew)

mstew: what?? what is this shiz???? i specifically said petal pink. this is pink azalea.

(taking a closer look at the glitter container)

mstew: oh! oh! not only is it the wrong color, but you got extra fine instead of ultra fine!! what am i supposed to do with this? how am i going to make my glittered bird cards now?? are you are a moron? an ignoramus? an imbecile?

(as she proceeds to yell and berate, she throws the inferior glitter)

fdg: my eyes!!! you threw glitter into my eyes!!!

(fdg runs out of the room crying and screaming)


* and....... scene*


see, that's how you roll......at least that's how it all went down in my head. srsly, martha yo, (i've been watching a lot of the wire, can you tell?) you's got to step it up if you wanna be in the same league as that shorty, oprah. maybe you don't have to do a cruise, but mos def cut down on the throwing shiz at people.


now, that's not a good thing,

Monday, June 29, 2009

hi, valentine here

dear billy,

this has been a sad few days, first ed mcmahon, then farrah, then michael and now you....why you were taken so soon, i do not know. all you were trying to do is make the world a cleaner place with your very enthusiastic shouting talking and thumbs upping.

i have been giving it some thought, as to what was the best way to honor you and the only way i can think of is to list all of my favorite infomercials. what can i say? this is the form that my grief is taking.





ah, the food dehydrator. i remember watching this one thinking "man, wouldn't it be great if i could make my own beef jerky??" talk about a great infomercial!

it made a 10 year old girl, who does not particularly care for meat, want to make her own effing jerky!! congrats food dehydrator guy, congrats.



the dude who wants us all to get money from the gov. i mean, how is this guy not to be trusted and taken seriously? he has a question mark jacket, which we all know, is very, very expensive. he must have the secrets to gov. money,

otherwise, how could he afford that styling jacket? yeah, the shouting helped as well, to drive home the message that he was serious





the space bags....what a great invention. i mean, who doesn't have 15 winter coats that always seem to be in the way? what to do, what to do? i know, suction them into bags that are effing difficult to get into and let's face it, look very weird.

but i do like how the safari hat makes it look like our closets are a jungle. baahaa!! oh you advertising geniuses, you are effing hilarious!



last, but not least, the cornballer!! k, so this isn't a real product, but doesn't mean that i don't love seeing george sr. trying to peddle his shotty piece of shiz cornballer, both in america and mexico.

if this was available, i know i'd buy it, just so i could gather round my family and friends and so we'd "all be laughing and cornholing"




i give you two thumbs up,

Friday, June 26, 2009

you didn't have a plan?

dear valentine,

i know i know, i'm a little late with this post. but as you said yesterday its wedding season, and i don't have anyone else to help me get my work done. so better late than never, here are my thoughts on the gov. sanford "situation".

i must say that if i lived in south carolina, the good governor would now be losing my vote (although it's extremely unlikely he would have had it in the first place.....). but lets make sure its understood..... i don't care that he had an affair and cheated on his wife. as far as i'm concerned thats between him and mrs sanford.

but i could never vote for a man who is sooo stupid as to get caught the way he did. it doesn't take much intelligence to simply come up with an excuse BEFORE leaving the country!! what kind of complete moron just takes off for days to see his mistress without coming up with some kind of explanation in advance? did he think no one would notice? is this the sort of man south carolina wants in its executive office?!

our country was founded by men who committed all sorts of moral and ethical indiscretions (here's lookin at you thomas jefferson). they're probably turning in their graves over his complete ineptitude at covering up his extra marital affairs.

way to not live up to our founding fathers example gov sanford.


just sayin it like it is....

Thursday, June 25, 2009

holy loneliness, robin

dear demosthenes,


oh geez! this has been the longest couple of effing weeks ever! june, of course, is prime wedding time, and since you work in the wedding industry, you have been ever so busy and haven't had time to just chat about nonsense shiz with me. i really, really hate it. why can't you get a boring desk job like me so we can just convo all day long? why can't you work for an absentee boss (instead of for yourself) than you would never feel guilty if you are talking instead of working……*sigh* it’s been sad.


but, it got me thinking,you are the best sidekick! (yes, you are the sidekick, you are younger. i don't make the rules.....) you are just as weird as me, you find the same shiz funny as me, remember those jedi squirrels? (fetch yeah!) the family doesn’t quite understand either of us and you put up with my neurotic tendencies (thanks)


so, to honor my favorite sidekick, i thought i'd showcase some of my favorite sidekicks:




Randy Hickey, Sidekick to: Earl Hickey. what can be said about randy? with his childish innocence and sweet stupidity, randy is exactly what earl needs to help him cross items off his karmic list. he is there for earl no matter what, even if it means missing camden days and seeing smokey the bandit!


Bender, Sidekick to: Fry sure, bender is a selfish, inconsiderate, beer drinking robot who has sold fry out a few times. but fry and bender have a very deep connection, they are both extremely slovenly and like to indulge in dangerous and not well thought out impulses. but under his surly robot exterior, bender really does care for fry and even told him "fry, of all the friends i've had...you're the first." what's not to love?




R2D2, Sidekick to: C3PO how could i not include a star wars reference? R2 communicates entirely in digital bloops and squeals, yet is in many ways the heart and soul of the star wars movies, especially during C3PO's constant whining, complaining and chiding. though he is small and fragile, he is also plucky, resourceful and saves him and C3P0 on multiple occasions. now that is a good sidekick.



i hate june brides,

Wednesday, June 24, 2009

over the moon


dear hollywood publicists,

why oh why when your celeb clients become pregnant, is the response almost always that "they are over the moon" about it? what the what? i am not entirely sure what that phrase even means and i really don't understand why that is the go to comment. is there some sort of publicist handbook of cliche responses?


so what in the world does this statement mean? is it because once your celeb client has become pregnant, they become as big as a cow? or that their career is similar to the cows, as in no one knows what it was doing before it jumped over the moon and no really cares what it's going to be doing after? is that harsh?


so when one celeb announces their pregnancy and says that they "are very excited" does that mean they are less excited than someone who is "over the moon?" what if someone announcing says that they are "over the stars " does that mean that they are super duper excited and that they win? is this just further proof that hollywood is just mindless and they say that most ridiculous things?


i will leave you with a haiku, because they are fetching awesome. tell your friends.



so you are pregnant
you must be over the moon
it's nonsense and lame



i don't get hollywood,

Monday, June 22, 2009

summer visit

dear parents, (not mine, because they never take me anywhere)


well, it's that time of year again, school is out and that can only mean one thing, the summer vacation. i know you are really excited to be on that beach, having fun at a theme park or just hanging with family at a reunion (hey, i won't judge if that's your thang....) but i bet you're not looking forward to the long, hot hours in the car or long layover time at the airport. no worries, aunty demosthenes and i are here to help.




according to the package: this wonderful activity is simple, but yet the diversion you need "Every 50 miles your child gets to tear open the corresponding area on the package to reveal a small plastic novelty that should keep them busy temporarily so you can continue on your journey without their incessant nagging." sweet right? i think so, and the tiny plastic pieces are the perfect size for your little one to put in their mouth. a bonus!







nothing lift's a family's spirit on a long car ride more than a good yodel. i know what you're thinking "but, valentine, we don't know how to yodel" i got your back baby, the emergency yodel button. keep this with you at all times and when the need arises, press the button to hear the sweet mellifluous warbling of an alpine yodeler.






these dante's inferno balls are the key to silence. little mouths can't be running if they're being burned by "cinnamon candy forged by demons in the third circle of hell"







don't worry parents, i didn't forget about you, but come on let's be honest, all of the other presents were really for you. but in any case, i got you something that is so very functional and practical, you'll wonder why you didn't always have one.
the beware pick pocket wallet! i remember as a child, my dad was always stressed and worried on vacations because it was costing him an a**load and also the fear of having money stolen from the locals. well, this fantastic wallet will solve one of those problems.

the whimsical stick figure sternly cautions any potential pick pocketer that you mean business and will not put up with their thieving. and if they are so caught trying to steal, you will deliver a swift blow to their windpipe, rendering them unable to breathe...... hey they were warned. k, maybe not, but it's probably still a good deterrent to pick pockets.



well, it's time for us to be off. but, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.



aunty,

Friday, June 19, 2009

happy birthday!

dear edward,

happy birthday to the hottest, most perfect man vampire in the world. i bet the fam. is gonna have quite the shindig. if i remember right, you cullens really like to "live" things up (forgive the bad pun, i could not help myself).

let me guess how your b-day will go, esme will give you a b-day forehead kiss first thing. alice will use her amazing decorating skills and embellish the house with crepe paper and balloons (what? that's what b-days were like at my house growing up)

emmett's present to you will be that he will finally agree to wrestle you, and when you totally kick his a**, he will not loudly complain that you cheated. jasper will use his abilities to make the whole fam calm, which is perfect because rosalie has agreed to put aside all of her petty anger and jealousy. just for the party anyways.

now it's present time from us, do you like your cake? demos and i made it ourselves, with lust love. we know you don't eat, but it's the thought that counts, right? well if you want more than just thoughts, we can always say happy birthday the naughty way.....

we will just have to overlook that you are with bella. we won't even hate her for it, that is we won't hate the real bella, but k.stew? yes we will still hate her. in fact, if you happen to see her, and feel so inclined, go ahead and drop your cake. right on her head. throw it with as much hate and disgust as she did in that new moon clip when the present cut her finger. overreaction much?



anyways, we just wanted to give a quick birthday shout out to our favorite vampire and think you look effing awesome for 108!!!

&



p.s. we know it's really tomorrow, june 20, but decided we wanted to be first!

Thursday, June 18, 2009

honest to goodness awesomeness

dear beth,

thanks for gifting us with the honest scrap award! we usually try to say what we think, sometimes more than you might want to know. i absolutely love your blog, you are definitely honest when it comes to the joys and frustrations of being a parent. you started following me in the very beginning and for some reason you keep coming back......i really appreciate it.

k, so the rules are that i am supposed to list ten things about myself that are true, but everyone may not know and then tag five other bloggers.



since demosthenes is such a big part of this blog (srsly, what would i do without her?) i wanted to include her in this. but instead of listing 10 things about both of us, we decided ( and by we, i mean it was another great idea from demos) to list 5 true things about each other.

about demosthenes:

1. you are a huge star wars nerd, even though you don't realize you are

2. you are weird about how you eat cottage cheese (you eat one curd at a time)

3. you are way stronger than me

4. you are younger than me (by 1 1/2 years)

5. you love IKEA


about valentine:

1. loves a good sale

2. taller than me, but still weighs less than me

3. hates kill bill (don't ask me why)

4. hearts sims 3 (to the point of addiction)

5. never misses an episode of the office


i am gonna pass this onto 5 new blog friends, if you have already received this, i apologize. i really enjoy your blogs and are glad that we are new blog friends. so, in no particular order:

1. lizzie at infectious chatter

2. mommy of 2 girls at a pocketful of buttons

3. robynxx at twisted pretzels

4. little lady cakes at little lady cakes

5. awesome sara at sara says awesome



it's awesome to be honestly awesome,

Wednesday, June 17, 2009

zombie apocalypse

dear valentine,

if there's one thing hollywood has taught us, its that the world is most likely to end by way of zombie apocalypse. whether its some strange infection or virus that causes normal humans to become voracious zombies, or just a random awaking of every decomposing corpse, the result is the same.




a few unlucky survivors will spend the rest of their lives running in fear, screaming, and most likely covered in the blood of their friends.





so i figured i should probably make a game plan, ya know? be prepared for the inevitable. rather than hoarding weapons, camping gear, and canned beans i've come up with a much better solution. i'm just gonna walk up to the first f*&kin zombie i can find and let him infect me, and turn me into one them.





they don't look so unhappy do they? they never have a look of panic on their faces. they're never screaming for help that won't come. would it really be such a bad life? i think not.



and i guess at some point .... i'll find out

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

words of a generation

dear oxford,


i hear you have updated your english dictionary and have added some new words that reflect our ever changing society and culture. which is awesome because i don't think our generation is adequately represented. plus, i think it's time for a change, i mean, who really uses words like thither or mischance?


here are some of your splendid new additions:



MUGGLE : n. In the fiction of J.K. Rowling: a person who possesses no magical powers. Hence in allusive and extended uses: a person who lacks a particular skill or skills, or who is regarded as inferior in some way.

yes! now grandchildren everywhere will see this and know that their grandparents were huge potter dorks!




BLAMESTORMING:n. A method of collectively finding one to blame for a mistake no one is willing to confess to. Often occurs in the form of a meeting of colleagues at work, gathered to decide who is to blame for a screw up.

see? it's a combination of "blaming" and "brainstorming" isn't that sweet? now all will know we were a generation that never took responsibility for our own mistakes, but we did come up with a cute phrase to blame others.





GRRRL:n. A young woman regarded as independent and strong or aggressive, especially in her attitude to men or in her sexuality.

there is nothing that says "i'm a strong, independent and intelligent young woman" than spelling your mantra completely ridiculous and looking like an idiot. congrats! this must be a big win for young woman everywhere.





PREBUTTAL:n. A rebuttal for an accusation before it is made.

this term was so created by politicians, as to say "yes, i know i am full of shiz, but hope this somehow can preemptively stop anybody from pointing it out." good to know they are busy deflecting blame and coining new terms.



on second thought, maybe we should skip the whole reflecting our ever changing society and culture. and now that i think about it, thither and mischance are really great words.....


off to prebuttal with a muggle grrrl while blamestorming,

Monday, June 15, 2009

evils of the nation

dear gainesville, fl columnist,


i have not had a true "what the fetch" moment for awhile, it was actually getting kinda sad, because i love me some WTF. but, thanks goodness i read your incredibly insightful article into why "sexy vampires are destroying our nation's children"



"Despite the recent influx of vampire-related content into the mainstream media and the youthful enthusiasm that accompanied it, vampirism still remains a dangerous threat to our nation’s children. Unchecked interest in vampires can lead to unfortunate summer wardrobe choices, rickets and diabetes. We can’t afford to lose our kids to these flashy, sexy, fly-by-night vampire impersonators who continue to fill their heads with untruths about the vampire lifestyle."



okay....i am sure we are all thinking "what the fetch" at this point, but i am still gonna break it down. are you for reals? i am not entirely sure where to begin....

are you honestly worried about the youth of this nation getting rickets because they choose to wear black in the summer? are you concerned that all the sugary blood they will undoubtedly be devouring because of a book series, will cause kids to develop diabetes?

i love the part about "sexy vampires" are destroying everything. soooooo we should only be upset about the sexy ones? all the plain or fugly vampires can keep doing their blood sucking thang and that's fine? sounds like you're a little threatened by edward cullen and bill compton, if you know what i'm sayin'.

and you are concerned about losing our kids to flashy, sexy vampires impersonators....so are you really worried about kids becoming vampires or are you more concerned that they are fascinated with, according to you "untruths of vampire lifestyle." so you are fine with vampirism, just not sparkling vampirism? i'm confused.


let's read what else you had to say:



"While this kind of fervor has been seen with J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books, an interest in witchcraft and wizardry is ultimately harmless......The worst that happens is kids memorize cryptic incantations and start trying to summon dark spirits from the depths of the underworld."



k, once again i'm gonna have to stop you there.......so undead vampires drinking blood- bad. but children who want to summon dark spirits with witchcraft and incantations- good? must admit, i am once again a little confused. i didn't realize that summoning devils was just juvenile fun that wasn't harmful in anyway.....

now that i know, i will take away all their twilight and trueblood books and replace them with satanism and witchcraftism: circles, spells and rituals. you're right, that does sound safer and better.



i'll stick with the flashy, sexy vamps,

Friday, June 12, 2009

friendship

dear chrissy,


thank you so much for passing this friendship award onto me! see, i'm not anti-social, i'm friendly. don't know what my therapist was talking about......
anyways, i really appreciate you thinking of me for this award. your blog is definitely charming and awesome! you are such a sweet blog friend, you always leave the best comments. everyone should definitely check out your site!






this award is giving for: These blogs are exceedingly charming. These kind bloggers aim to find and be friends. They are not interested in self-aggrandizement. Our hope is that when the ribbons of these prizes are cut, even more friendships are propagated. Please give more attention to these writers. Deliver this award to eight bloggers who must choose eight more and include this cleverly-written text into the body of their award.


i am going to pass this award onto:


1. Amy at happily ever after

2. Debilyn at definitely debilyn

3. Emily at good frau

4. Hotpants at handbags & handguns

5. Kathie at my net finds

6. Kristin at bonbon rose



you all are such wonderful blog friends,

Thursday, June 11, 2009

when zombies go awesome


dear valentine,

i am a huge nerd. i love to read, watch, and dream sci fi / fantasy. but like nearly every woman in america, i also love jane austen, especially her classic pride and prejudice. so when i came across seth grahame-smith's "pride and prejudice and zombies" i nearly jizzed my pants. its like he wrote it just for me.

here's an excerpt to satisfy your zombie craving until you too can go out and pick up a copy:

"It is a truth universally acknowledged that a zombie in possession of brains must be in want of more brains. Never was this truth more plain than during the recent attacks at Netherfield Park, in which a household of eighteen was slaughtered and consumed by a horde of the living dead"

f__k yeah!!!! now thats how its done jane austen, charlotte bronte and louisa may alcott. hope you are taking notes.

big shout out to the evil genius who conceived this brilliant literary spawn from hell.


Wednesday, June 10, 2009

seeker

dear richard cypher,


otherwise or better known as the seeker, you know, i really do love your show, the legend of the seeker. at first, when the hubs started watching it, i was like "oh geez, another low budget, set in the middle ages, leather wearing, bountiful cleavage bearing tv show...." and it totally is all those things, but for some reason, it doesn't seem as cheesy as other shows of it's kind. i find myself really drawn to the characters and the storylines, i really do want you to defeat darken rahl and end up with kahlan.

there are so many things that are awesome about you and the show, example:






you have a very sweet boyish charm












you have a kick a** wizard friend, who throws frickin' fire balls from his hands!








you have the sword of truth, that only the true seeker can wield it's power and it glows when you grasp it, thereby alerting all those around you ( including your enemies, don't know if that was the best idea... ) that you are the seeker.










you have a crazy hot and incredibly muscled body that happens to look even better in tie up leather pants.















you have a total bosom bearing, dagger wielding, bad a** confessor as your sidekick












you can withstand torture from a lady in a red leather, dominatrix outfit.

(remember, if things go too far, the safe word is "strawberry")








you have alluded or escaped from the evil aladdin villian, darken rahl, so many times, i'm starting to think he doesn't really want to stop or kill you.




you know, demos brought up a very good point, as much as darken rahl doesn't seem to want to kill you, you don't seem terrbily interested in killing him either.....maybe you two should end the feud, agree to be friends and have a weekly poker game! just sayin'......




looking forward to season 2 this fall,

Monday, June 8, 2009

internet escapades

dear al gore,


i was not entirely sure who to write this letter to, but since it is about the internet, i figured you were the one to hear my story.


so back when i was a young child, and by young, i think i was somewhere around 9? 10? maybe 11? i really don't remember, but it was somewhere in that age range. it was at this time that the internet was still fairly new. there were many not familiar, myself included, with all that the internet held or what it would someday become.


anyways,i wanted some nike tennis shoes, and my mother, always the thifty, frugal and parsimonious one, told me that they were too expensive and that i would just have to settle for a cheaper version. well, determined to prove that the particular shoes i wanted weren't too much, i decided to look up the price online.


now, in our town, we had a certain store, called dick's sporting goods. i was sure they would have the shoes i wanted, i went into our dining room (where our computer was, you know, out in public so no one could get into any funny business) so i got on the computer, opened up a internet window, waited for that awful, piercing sound of the dial-up modem (thank all that is good and holy that we now have high speed!) and i was online.

i typed dicks.com into the search engine, and to my surprise, the screen filled with a very naked man with a very large....."fella". staring right at me. at the very second i realized what i was looking at, i heard a terrible gasp and the shrieking of my name "valentine!!!" yep, it was my mother. looking every bit the angry hen with fire in her eyes. she very, and i mean very quickly, i have never seen this woman move so fast, walked over to the computer and closed the filthy browser window.


wordlessly she glared at me, and i knew she wanted some sort of explanation why her sweet 10 (?) year old daughter was looking at men's fellas on the internet. very unsure of what had happened simply said, "i was trying to find those shoes.......at dicks sporting goods. i searched dicks.com......... and somehow this came up."


if my mom wasn't so hopping mad, i think she would have laughed. at this point, i think it just began to dawn on me where i may have gone wrong in my search. but in my innocent(not anymore) and naive 11(?) year old mind, at no point when i was typing in dicks.com did i comprehend where my search would lead me. my mother quietly lead me away from the computer and said that that was enough computer time today.


my brothers, of course, teased me mercilessly for being a disgusting pervert (aren't brothers great?) and it became quite the joke in my family. even to this day. what the fetch? why can't families ever look past a child's inappropriate viewing a man's fella? srsly!




this is srsly classic valentine,



p.s. sound off- have you had an embarrassing internet situation?

Friday, June 5, 2009

a special day

dear dad,


happy d-day! i know, it is really tomorrow, but i thought i would write to you today. as you know, today celebrates the landing in normandy in world war II on june 6, 1944. it's because of you i will always, always know this date. it's also because of you that i will be spending the whole day tomorrow watching war movies.

i remember as a kid that you never spent much time watching tv or movies, maybe because there were so many of us kids, you figured it was a lost cause to try to watch something you wanted. but once a year, on d-day, you put your foot down and commandeered the television for a full day of your favorite war heroes.

you were gone a lot when i was a kid, busy with work, the scouts and church, i never really saw much of you. so each june 6 i would take advantage of you being in one spot and i would cozy up with you and watch. and thus began our tradition. i really cherished that time. and as we will once again be on different ends of the country, me in the west, you in the east, i will be thinking of you as i watch our favorites this weekend.








the great escape.
one of the best, longest and saddest of our movies.











the longest day. you can never go wrong with john wayne.














tora! tora! tora!
an excellent story of the attack of pearl harbor.

a side note, the hubs took me to this on one of our first dates. knew then he could definitely be the guy for me.










operation petticoat. this is a funny movie, they can't all be violent, gorey and filled with heart ache. plus, i love me some cary grant.







anyways, it is because of you that i have such pride and respect for the brave soldiers who stormed normandy beach that day. and i appreciate you instilling that in me.



hope you enjoy yours as much as i will enjoy mine,