Letters from Valentine

pie rack

2011-12-09T07:03:00.001-07:00

dear last man standing,

you have quickly become one of my

new favorite shows.

partly because most of my shows are on hiatus

but mostly because you are pretty dang funny.

i love that is tool time, but with daughters.

why mess with what works right?

i love the daughters.

how can you not when they make a pie break up song video?

yeah, this is my new favorite song!

p.s. anyone else think tim allen has aged really well?

the dollar tree?

2011-12-05T08:03:00.000-07:00

dear dollar tree,

i just found out you sell nail polish.

look at this color......

i'm in love.

better late then never....right?

2011-11-29T08:50:00.004-07:00

dear thieving old guy,

So apparently you walked into a seattle sears recently and gave them $100.

its to repay the $20 you stole back in the 1940s.....

apparently you conscience got to you....

60 years later....

i realize this is supposed to be a heart warming tale

an inspiring tale, that there is good in all of us. (including you)

yeah, the cynic in me is shouting:

it took you 60 effing years to get around to doing this??

has your conscience been on vacation for 60 years?

you clearly need to replace your conscience because it has been drunk at the wheel!!

sincerely,

valentine

p.s. i will acknowledge that it was nice of you to add interest on. that is something right?

twilight saga: breaking dawn

2011-11-25T10:49:00.007-07:00

dear breaking dawn,

what can i say? i loved you. i really loved you.

everything was much better this time around.

the pacing.

the acting.

while i wasn't a huge fan of the soundtrack (how could there be no MUSE?)

i LOVED that they played the song bella and edward danced to at the prom

in twilight.

i loved that they played bella's lullaby.

i loved the toasts at the reception, this is why the humans need to be

in each movie, their humanity is relatable.

i was happy with isle esme

and not grossed out by the delivery.

i loved the stephenie meyer made a cameo at the wedding.

i loved how gaunt and deathly they made bella.

by the way, kristen stewart may not be a great actress,

but she plays dead very well.

i could have done without the wolves (not a fan)

but since they had to be in there, i thought they were fine.

and how absolutely adorable was that baby???

and i LOVED ending it on bella's eyes!

AGGH! 356 more days until PART 2!!!!

p.s. i LOVED the hunger games trailer that played before

the movie. I guess that will have to get me through

until next november!!!

hollywood roundup

2011-04-12T06:25:00.002-06:00

dear hollywood,

its that time again to roundup all the stuff you might have missed this week

in the what the hey-hey moment of the week

kimberly stewart (rod stewarts daughter) and benicio del toro (the puerto rican brad pitt) are having a baby. wait were they together? apparently long enough to procreate.

i envision love at first sight, benicio spotting kim from across the room, their eyes meeting and sparks flying.....

that or it was a drunken party, benicio stumbling into the ladies bathroom, then stumbling into and out of a very drunk k.stew a couple of times and bam! isn't the miracle of life wonderful?

so bono's charity "ONE" has come under scrutiny when it was revealed that only a little over 1% of donations actually go to poor, hungry people.

the rest of it went to these people, the "ONE" staff.

in all fairness, it isn't cheap hiring people to brainstorm creative and fun ways to not provide food to hungry people. helping people ain't free. what is this a charity? oh wait......

and of course a few pregnancies were announced.

snore.

don't people realize that not having a baby is the new having a baby??

tori spelling and liam mcdermott (am i the only one who isn't sure why this dude is famous?) are having a third child

tina fey is having a second baby because of peer pressure. apparently her daughter is the only child at school who is the only child....

score one for hollywood for procreating for great reasons

i kid. i like tina.

but srsly, just say no to babies.

emily deschanel and david hornsby are having a baby. can i just say score to rickety cricket for getting such a hot wife!

katniss

2011-04-11T06:25:00.002-06:00

dear jennifer lawrence,

so it isn't news that you have been cast as katniss in the hunger games movie. i was hesitant when i found out, you certainly didn't look the part, but as we all know, just because you look like the character, doesn't mean you can play the part right, or even act (*cough* kristen stewart)

a lot of the HG fan forums said that i would feel different after i saw you in "winter's bone". so i watched it. and while i am not a huge fan of this movie, (or your constant montone, too many flash backs of bella), but there were certain aspects of it made me realize you should be able to pull it off playing katniss.

in fact, there were A LOT of similarities between the 2 stories

a poor small town that is dreary and gray all the time? check

a mother that is so depressed she is in a comatose state? check

having to grow up too soon to care for your family? check

able to hunt, kill and clean an animal? check

the only reason difference in the 2 were the fathers of the main characters......

that and the whole televised children killing each other thing.

i guess what i am saying is, after seeing you in winters bone,

i am a little more excited for next march when Hunger Games comes out.

now i just have to get over who they cast as peeta....

2011-04-09T14:37:00.003-06:00

dear target

i must admit when i found out you were creating these new fits, i wasn't really interested, i rarely bought clothes from you and i found the system to be a little confusing.

fast forward to 6 months ago and i moved to a small town that basically just has a walmart (which i really like, but have yet to find good clothes there)

it has been fine, i am able to buy most things online and it hasn't been a big issue, but as we all know, pants are really hard to shop for, and even harder to buy online.

i was up in the "big city" and went to target, decided to try on their fits and guess what? i really liked fit 3. in fact, they fit me great! i have a boy body, but these fit in such a way that i actually look like a girl. amaaaaaazing!

i am so excited because now i can buy pants online, at least from target.

postcards

2011-01-18T06:45:00.002-07:00

hollywood roundup

2010-12-15T06:45:00.000-07:00

dear hollywood,

i know i have taken a small break from blogging and hollywood round up in particular,

but now i am back and what a great week to come back on!

3 break ups and a ~~funeral~~ a wedding

america's favorite tooth ache inducing couple have decided to call it quits

no real big surprise. i mean we all end up marrying

the person we dated when we were 12......

michael c hall and jennifer carpenter have filed divorce.

in the words of debra morgan:

"this is f*cked up"

scarlet johansson and ryan reynolds seperated this week.

just a small sidenote:

just jared didn't have a pic of them with the lightning bolt of doom....

someone over there is slacking,

so I was forced to make my own.

srsly, what has the world come to where lay people have to add their own lightning effects to pictures of divorcing celebrities???

honestly.

despite all of the recent scandal and break up of hollywood,

on dec. 11 nicole richie and joel madden decided to tie the knot........

here is wishing them a happy 2 years.

when things go wang. i mean wrong.

2010-12-06T07:04:00.000-07:00

dear damn you autocorrect,

you are my new favorite

kill time at work website.

why?

check out these iphone autocorrects

*warning, while these are totally hilarious, they may be construed as offensive.

so if you offend easily, you are at the wrong blog and should leave.*

see what i mean? high-larious,

come back

2010-12-03T06:24:00.000-07:00

dear self,

i find myself kinda missing blogging.

i'm pretty sure most people didn't notice or even care about our hiatus.

i am not sure if demosthenes will rejoin me this time.

she is pretty dang busy.

unlike me who has ample time to kill,

filling up the blogosphere with nonsense.

but that has been some pretty high-larious shiz going down

and i find myself thinking

" i should write a letter about that"

but i don't and the moment passes.

but i have been having more and more of these moments,

so i am thinking i might be ready to make my come back.

summer visit

2010-07-21T06:06:00.001-06:00

this is a repost. but it is one of my favorites

dear parents, (not mine, because they never take me anywhere)

well, it's that time of year again, school is out and that can only mean one thing, the summer vacation. i know you are really excited to be on that beach, having fun at a theme park or just hanging with family at a reunion (hey, i won't judge if that's your thang....) but i bet you're not looking forward to the long, hot hours in the car or long layover time at the airport. no worries, aunty demosthenes and i are here to help.

according to the package: this wonderful activity is simple, but yet the diversion you need "Every 50 miles your child gets to tear open the corresponding area on the package to reveal a small plastic novelty that should keep them busy temporarily so you can continue on your journey without their incessant nagging." sweet right? i think so, and the tiny plastic pieces are the perfect size for your little one to put in their mouth. a bonus!

nothing lift's a family's spirit on a long car ride more than a good yodel. i know what you're thinking "but, valentine, we don't know how to yodel" i got your back baby, the emergency yodel button. keep this with you at all times and when the need arises, press the button to hear the sweet mellifluous warbling of an alpine yodeler.

these dante's inferno balls are the key to silence. little mouths can't be running if they're being burned by "cinnamon candy forged by demons in the third circle of hell"

don't worry parents, i didn't forget about you, but come on let's be honest, all of the other presents were really for you. but in any case, i got you something that is so very functional and practical, you'll wonder why you didn't always have one.
the beware pick pocket wallet! i remember as a child, my dad was always stressed and worried on vacations because it was costing him an a**load and also the fear of having money stolen from the locals. well, this fantastic wallet will solve one of those problems.

the whimsical stick figure sternly cautions any potential pick pocketer that you mean business and will not put up with their thieving. and if they are so caught trying to steal, you will deliver a swift blow to their windpipe, rendering them unable to breathe...... hey they were warned. k, maybe not, but it's probably still a good deterrent to pick pockets.

well, it's time for us to be off. but, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.

aunty,

embarrassing food

2010-07-19T06:06:00.002-06:00

there are some foods out there

that i get embarrassed when i order

or buy them.

like funyuns.

hot dang! do i love me some funyuns.

they are delicious

and is my preferred snack of choice.

unfortunately,

they are also the preferred snack

of the pot adled minds of the losers who live in their moms basement.

everytime i buy funyuns,

i feel like people look at me

like i am high, or am about to get high.

another one.

fish tacos.

i feel like a dirty frat bro

whenever i order them.

always.

what foods embarrass you?

hollywood roundup

2010-07-16T06:06:00.011-06:00

dear hollywood,

so, i don't know if you remember awhile back

i mentioned that i love celebrity gossip.

like probably too much.

so i have decided to do a new feature here

at

letters from valentine

called

weddings

penelope cruz and javier

wed in a secret ceremony.

emily blunt and john krasinski

married in lake cuomo.

how adorable are these two??

carrie underwood and mike fisher

second helpings

bristol palin and levi johnston

are back together.

(anyone else think her nose looks different???)

and sienna miller and jude law are back together, again.
man, these two need some sort of punch card

celeb spawn

vince vaughn and wife, kyla weber
are having a baby.

anyone else taking bets on how long vince will stay tied down to a wife and baby?

as is funny man craig ferguson and his wife, megan.
do you watch craig? he is hilarious. weird and strange. but funny.

new obsession

2010-07-15T06:06:00.004-06:00

dear katniss everdeen,

i just finished reading the first two books in the

hunger games trilogy

and i can't stop thinking about it.

and you.

i realize the books have been out for awhile.

and how awesome they are

is not news.

but i have fallen.

and fallen hard.

i thought the twilight saga

were incredible books.

and i guess they were.

at the time.

but i can't stop comparing you to bella.

you are both considered heroines.

but i can't help thinking that you are a true heroine

while bella is just a damsel in distress.

you are capable.

smart.

independent.

strong.

that the hero in the series,

peeta,

is a true gentelman.

a totally amazing guy.

while i now think edward

to be controlling,

boring

and borderline creepy.

and the writing.

as much as i love stephenie meyers ability to tell a story

her writing leaves something to be desired.

i was quite pleased that after i finished the second book,

i realized that no one had glowered.

or guffawed.

there is even a love triangle in this trilogy,

but i don't want to b*tchslap you

like i want to do to bella (especially in eclipse)

to yell at you that you don't deserve either of them.

but that i sympathize and even feel sorry for you

is the sign of a truly incredible story.

the next and final book,

Mockingjay,

comes out august 24

and i can't tell you have fetchin' excited i am!!

i plan to do the same thing i did with

the last harry potter.

buy the book and read it straight until i finish.

if that means not eating, going to the bathroom or sleeping

so be it!

everyone should run out now and go get the first two to get caught up.

don't plan on getting it from the library,

lady tremaine went to get them last week

and was told that 88 people are ahead of her!

see you in 39 days!

why it sucked

2010-07-12T06:06:00.004-06:00

dear eclipse,

so lady tremaine and i saw you together last week.

and you didn't think we'd treat you any different than

new moon

or

twilight?

good. cuz we're not gonna.

1. actor switch

so lady tremaine and i agreed that riley totally should of

been cast as bella.

i mean, he acted the shiz out of the burning scene.

and they already had a wig.

done. and done.

2. the coordinated cullens

Val: what, did alice coordinate their fight clothes?

Demos: yeah, i can see her saying:

" this is very important to me emmett. i can't fight if we don't match"

3. fancy demetri

what is demetri doing in this scene?

i imagine the convo went something like this:

david slade: k, in this next scene try to act aloof. got it?

demetri: k, got it.

david: action! wait! Cut! Cut!

demetri: what?

david: i said be aloof! not a doof!

4. exercise classy

what is edward wearing? is that a sweater with track pants?

yeah, i think it is.

looks like he is trying to be his towns ron burgundy

"exercise classy, forks!"

5. the sometimes accent

oh my goodness.

bless jaspers little southern heart for really trying to sell that accent.

but just like the ending of new moon, it was laid on a bit too thick.

its like we get it!

You're Southern!

not only that, but i think carlisle got jealous of jaspers special elocution lessons and

decided to get in on the fun,

cuz he was fake accenting right along side with him.

in all fairness, this really should have been titled "why it rocked" .

this really was the best of the series so far, and we really had to dig deep into the barrel to find

stuff to make fun of.

but making fun is funner.

so we did that.

but surprisingly k.stew didn't give me a seizure with her incessant blinking and stuttering.

my mind didn't wander off when the wolves or jacob were on screen.

i loved the eclipse logo at the beginning of the movie.

and the soundtrack totally kick asphalt.

i have been listening to it non stop. still.

and the best part is that we are now this much closer to

BREAKING DAWN!!

giveaway winner

2010-07-06T06:06:00.002-06:00

hope everyone had a relaxing, safe and patriotic 4th of july. i definitely did and am a little sad to be returning to work tomorrow. oh well.

so i was supposed to announce the sephora giftcard winner yesterday, um, yeah, that was bad planning on my part, i didn't realize that blogging would be the last thing i'd want to do with my glorious 3 day weekend.

anyways, thanks to everyone that participated.

thanks to random.org

the winner is:

so email me at valentineletters at gmail dot com and give me your address and i'll send your $40 giftcard. Congrats!

to everyone else, i will be doing another giveaway in a week or so. i was contacted by CSN stores to do a giveway for a $40 giftcard to any of their stores. it's just like christmas in july around here.

also, demos and i are working on our eclipse review, should have that ready soon,
so keep an eye out for that!

the end of a party

2010-07-01T06:00:00.003-06:00

dear starz,

i just heard that you have decided to cancel the quirky, but incredbily hilarious

party down.

this was one of the whity-est and cleverest shows on tv.

you srsly suck.

but to soften the blow, i just found out my favorite guyliner lostie,
richard alpert

(nestor carbonell )

will be joining another of my favoritest shows

he is supposed to have a couple episode arc throughout the season

which starts july 14! i will definitely be watching.

i have missed my favorite psychic detective and sidekick

p.s. don't forget about the sephora giftcard giveaway!

summer beauty

2010-06-30T06:30:00.002-06:00

dear sephora,

did you hear about our giftcard giveaway?

you have so many incredible products, it is so hard to narrow it down.

what about:

some bronzer?

to give your face that shimmery glow of summertime?

or lip gloss?

to make your lips all purdy and pouty

(i have this in sugar.)

what about nail polish?

in a hot summer color?

so hurry on over to the giveaway, and don't forget to tell your friends!

what would you spend your $40 on?

p.s. you have to scroll down to the bottom of that post to read up on the giveaway!

sharing time

2010-06-28T06:06:00.005-06:00

dear LFV readers,

so i tend to not share much about myself, i guess i figure i am not that interesting, but i have started to realize that my favorite blogs are always the ones where they share and you feel like you actually know them.

so yeah, i am basically saying that i want you to like me

so, i'll share.

hi. i'm valentine.

i am 27

i was born in texas

i only lived there for 4 years before we moved

so, no, i am NOT a texas girl

from a large family

i am #7 out of 8

demosthenes is of course #8

i have 3 brothers and 4 sisters

i did pretty good in high school, got a couple of nursing scholarships

turned out i hated nursing.

lost the scholarship

dropped out of school

who needs it right?

turns out i do!

got a job as a front desk receptionist

turns out i don't like people

notice there is a job that does not involve talking to people

i take it.

i am good at it.

so good that this past february i sat for my certification exam

i passed.

i am now a certified medical coder

working towards becoming a medical auditor.

i am married.

have been for 7 years

i have lived in

Texas

Kentucky

Idaho

Alaska

Illinois

and now

Utah.

i love britney.

like probably more than i should.

i blame it on me being a freshman in high school when she came out

it was a very influential time in my life

i can't be held responsible.

i LOVE mexican food.

and ice.

i LOVE ice.

love british tv

dexter

and pysch

I also love musicals

war movies

and anything jane austen

or jane austen-esque

i love celebrity gossip

and totally RULE

at remembering obscure actors

in obscure shows.

for some reason,

the husband is less than impressed.

i don't like wearing flip flops.

they feel unnatural

my toes don't like being seperated, they are a set.

something interesting about me:

i am tongue tied.

i have tried to have it fixed

twice

but no luck.

so that is valentine. more or less.

it was more than you probably wanted to know

p.s. if you made it down this far, then you are truly awesome and deserve the prize that is hidden behind door #1.

we have been talking about this giveaway forever

just hemming and hawing over it.

but we are finally doing it.

we are giving away a $40 giftcard to

i know in the past we had less than traditional rules for winning a giveaway

but it is late, and i can't think of anything awesome for you guys to do to win

so, we'll go with traditional.

1 entry for just commenting that you want to be entered

1 entry if you blog about the giveaway

1 entry if you tweet about it

1 entry if you become our friend on facebook
(who says you can't buy friendship??)

1 entry if you tell a friend about letters from valentine

and of course, put each one in as a seperate comment.

this will be open until july 3

and i'll announce the winner

on monday, july 5

silhouette prints

2010-06-23T06:06:00.003-06:00

dear silhouette masterpiece theater,

how totally awesome and fetch are your prints

answer:

very.

like, times 100

just because you can......

2010-06-17T07:18:00.005-06:00

dear 66 year old woman who just gave birth to triplets,

so apparently on may 29 you gave birth to triplets, and became, possibly, the oldest woman ever

to do so.

i realize this is a miracle, a scientific breakthrough

but i think this is a case of just because science can

doesn't mean that you should.

concerned for your children who won't have a mother for long,

p.s. that pic isn't of the actual mother, its just a funny pic i found.

Matthews new Muse

2010-06-16T06:06:00.003-06:00

Dear Matthew Bellamy,
(lead singer/guitarist for the band Muse)

over the weekend

you were spotted in paris

with kate hudson.

this is a travesty

i am of course referring to your pants.

i am not big in celebrity crushes or anything

but if you remember

when i picked a hollywood someone to go on a

pretend date with

i didn't pick rob

even though that new hair cut is really doing it for me

or eric

or ryan

he's hot. but can't act.

no.

i picked you.

and while i realize you were engaged like 6 months ago,

that didn't bother me.

shes was some no one,who we never saw and so it made keeping the dream alive, a little easier.

also, you were always a lay low kinda celeb, i only saw the most random pic of you

in the daily mail

now, if you are with kate hudson, not only will be seeing her everywhere
(making the illusion of your singledom harder)

but we will also be seeing you everywhere.

ruining the allure of your mysterious ways.

badly done matthew, badly done.***

***p.s. 10 awesome points to anyone who can name the movie
that line is from.

miles of stiles

2010-06-10T06:06:00.004-06:00

dear julia stiles,

so i just read that you are going to be on this next season

of dexter

which suddenly takes your cool factor up by 10 points.

demos and i were discussing this news and it dawned us

where the eff have you been?

i feel like we should be playing

listen up gumshoes

okay, srsly, how awesome was that show?

answer: fetching

i always loved it when the kid struggled to identify the different states on the giant map at the

end of the show

"dude, you live in america!"

k, where was i?

ah, yes where you have been.

i mean i could easily google or imdb you

and find out what you have been up to

but that sounds like work.

wherever you were, i hope you did some serious penance

for that "movie"

save the last dance

don't get me wrong,

i loved it when it came out

but i was also 17

and like every other teenager,

i only had a half functioning brain.

either way, you doing a dark, gritty and completely compelling

show like dexter

will erase my vision of you in

in that ugly sweater and overalls.

yep, thats the one

p.s Letters from Valentine is now on facebook

stop by. be our friend.

The Birds

2010-06-07T06:30:00.003-06:00

dear obnoxious birds that wake me up every effing day at 5 AM,

don't worry, the day of payback is coming.

and coming soon.

you just might wake up one morning to a surprise homemade bird feeder

but instead of a yummy peanut butter treat,

it'll be avicide.

and i will get peaceful silence.

enjoy.

p.s. k, so while i am only half kidding about the killing the birds thing, why is it such a crazy idea?

how are they any different from other rodents or pests?

they carry disease just like any other animal.

cuz they are cute?

nope. they're not.

people have them as pets?

people have mice, and rats and snakes as pets

they are intelligent?

no, they fly into closed windows

case closed.

toddlers and tiaras: rise of the oversexed toddler

2010-06-03T12:28:00.006-06:00

dear LFV readers,

in honor of Toddlers and Tiaras having their season 3 premiere yesterday, i thought i'd repost a letter that demosthenes wrote last august.

it is such an awesome letter, that it is actually our highest viewed post.

ever.

its that good.

so you should definitely read it. again.

dear valentine,

i only managed to sit through about 15 minutes of this show, so i guess there's the slight possibility that i'm not being a fair critic. but i just about threw up. these crazy a** mom's are having their tiny babies prance around like whores on a street corner.

how nice of these mom's to put their 2-3 year old daughters in sexy clothes and display them so that all those chester child molesters can have a good time. it saves them the trouble of trying to hide their child porn from their wives.

as if young girls in america didn't have enough problems with self esteem and body image to begin with. these moms had the bright idea of indoctrinating their daughters from infancy that to be beautiful requires make up, perfectly styled hair, a tan, and provocative clothes. because no woman could possibly be considered beautiful if she *gasp* just looked the way God made her.

well done mom's, well done. now all you have to do is make sure your girls develop an eating disorder by 15, and get hooked on coke to stay thin by 18, and you'll have achieved a well and truly f*cked up daughter. congratulations.

the pageant mom's freely talk about the process for getting their kids ready for a show. lets see, fake eyelashes... check. fake spray tans.... check. big fake hair extensions.... check. fake teeth because your toddlers real baby teeth are falling out.... check. now some 80's looking hooker make up and we're all set!

srsly? what's the point of having a contest if everything on their bodies is fake? what are you judging, which brand of spray tanner coats the most evenly? its like having a contest to see which pie is best, but all the pies are made of plastic.

a 7 year old on the show actually said this: "i want to be a cheerleader, cause i like to show my belly and thats what they do". what a wonderful moral for her to be learning. a little whore in the making. i think i just shed a tear.

i think we all need something to wash down that sh*t soda, so heres a super awesome photo to take our minds off the destruction of a generation (yes, thats the cutest f*cking marmoset you've ever seen)

Random Funny

2010-06-02T03:00:00.002-06:00

dear LFV readers who have not totally given up on us,

wow, things have been kinda crazy and we have slacked off.

completely.

i started a new job a couple of weeks ago

and

i am now a federal employee

HOLLA!

so, my brain has been totally frazzled

trying to learn a new job,

driving an extra 2 hours a day

and

getting up 2 hours earlier

needless to say, i have not been feelin the funny.

Especially since i have been flying solo.

SUMMER
(i.e. wedding season)

is demo's busiest time of year

so i don't even expect to talk to her til sept!

but like stella, i'm am slowly

starting to get my groove back.

k, so i am not big into forwards.

like, not at all.

if i wanted to see animals dressed like people

i'd pick up one of the wondering dogs outside of chinese restaurants,

bring it home and do it myself.

but against my better judgement, i read this one, and it made me laugh.

like really laugh.

so i'd thought i'd share it

to maintain a healthy level of insanity:

1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.

2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!

3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.

4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.

5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.

6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.

7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.

8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.

9. Sing Along At The Opera.

10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.

11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream Won! I Won!'

12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'

13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'

And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity

14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.

totally slacking,

the end of the seeker

2010-05-07T04:00:00.002-06:00

dear legend of the seeker,

i heard last week that your awesomely, boob-erific, cheesy show

(that is so lame it is fetch)

will be no more.

while i am not entirely surprised, i am very sad.

and decided to pay tribute in the only way i know how

a homage:

good bye

sexy abs in tight leather pants

good bye

bad a** knife wielding chick with boobs always out

good bye

s&m dominatrix with weapons that are clearly vibrators

good bye

crazy old wizard who only throws kick asphalt wizards fire when it is convenient to the plot

good bye

disney aladdin/genie like villian who never seems to be able to kill the seeker, despite trying each week

good bye

magic amulets, that there was always an abundance of

and were the key to saving towns

(srsly who keeps making all these amulets???)

you have provided demos and i countless hours of discussing your often confusing, but awesomely awesome show

you will be missed,

random letters

2010-05-05T04:00:00.001-06:00

dear eclipse movie,

what the fetch is going on with you?

dear dexter,

can't wait for you to be back on in four months.

you are srsly one of the best shows on tv

p.s. glad you are feeling better

dear LOST,

you are heartless bastards.

i am so in shock over last nights episode,

not sure when I'll be ready to talk to you again......

dear dr spaceman,

you srsly make 30 rock.

word.

dear vampire diaries,

how is it possible that a vampire,

high school drama,

on the CW

is better than twilight???

get back to me on that.

randomly yours,

ninjas, gymnasts and fonzie

2010-04-16T06:06:00.002-06:00

dear LFV readers,

i am very slow on the whole "whats cool right now in viral vids"

which is why i am posting this absolutely high-larious video

almost a year after it has come out.

my only hope is that you have not seen it,

and i will considered cool again

have a fetch friday,

p.s. we are getting closer to our total awesome giveaway, we promise we have not forgotten!

sprink break!

2010-04-15T07:57:00.006-06:00

(i meant to post this about a week ago when it would have been more relevant. but better late than never, right?)

dear spring break party go-ers,

if you're like me (and, really, lets be honest. you probably are not) you might be getting sick of the rampant "how not to get raped" advice spewed out around this time of year. (if you are confused, please read up on how not to blame the victim)

this is the most common and insidious form of victim blaming. so common in fact, i would bet that most of my lovely readers didn't even recognize it as such!

but alas, to commemorate this most joyous time of year i thought i'd post Colleen Jameson's (i was going to hyperlink to the original, but doesn't seem to be working.) list of "not getting raped" advice. it actually might do some good! (my particular favorite is no. 7)

1. Don't put drugs in people's drinks in order to control their behavior
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited (this one's for you edward cullen)
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON'T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in the laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public
8. Always be honest with people! Don't pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don't communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them
9. Dont forget: you can't have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone "on accident" you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

happy spring break! please don't rape anyone while you are on vacation!

this is news?

2010-03-30T07:52:00.004-06:00

dear ricky martin,

we already knew you were gay. this isn't a big deal.

rickymartincomesout

(^^^^this is a hyperlink^^^^)

(THUNDERCATS!!!!!)

hurray for spring!!

2010-03-29T10:55:00.004-06:00

dear spring,

you are one of my fav seasons eva!! right behind summer and fall. if this were the olympics and you were a weirdly proportioned athlete, you would be taking home the bronze medal to a proud (but still mildly disappointed) country! hurray!!

but i'm so glad you're here, because spring always brings the best stuff. flowers, and warm weather, rain to wash away the snow, and ....... W. T. F. !!!!!!

holy shiz spring! this year you brought me ET!!! this is the best spring ever!!! i found him hiding inside a shrub which had, sadly, outlived its usefulness. if this is the kind of treasure i find when i "garden" then i think i will just have to keep up this "gardening" thing.

(no i did not plant these just because they're called "Wee Willies". that was only part of the reason)

(grrrr, there seems to be some kind of glitch with blogger today. are the pics showing up now? or are they still no show?)

giveaway,one year and surfboards

2010-03-25T04:00:00.006-06:00

dear LFV readers,

according to our calculations (and blogger) one year ago today, was the very first post of letters from valentine!!

we can't believe how quickly a year has gone by and well,

it kinda snuck (sneaked?) up on us and to celebrate this auspicious occasion we are gonna do a giveaway.

and since we are so awesome, you know the giveaway will be pretty awesome too.

and will probably involve you answering a question about a hypothetical situation revolving around some fictional characters.

so don't forget to stop back soon for that!

we really want to thank you all for a great year, you guys are trying fetch!

so, since today is our first birthday, we decided that the only way to truly celebrate it is with a

what. the. fetch.

moment.

enjoy.

so according to the new york post disney is doing some extra casting for the new pirates of the caribbean movie.

apparently they are tired of looking at super flat surfboard kiera knightley and sent out this casting call:

""beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants."

and just to make sure that they don't let in any falsies,

"potential lassies will have to undergo a
Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges."

um, what. the. fetch?

are we sure this isn't really a casting call for

privates of the caribbean?

"hello there captain jack sparrow, want to see my black pearl?"

happy one year everyone!!!

&

(ps, we just realized (and by "we" i mean valentine) that the comments were off! oops! d*mn you blogger!! they're back on now!)

new reason to hate you kstew

2010-03-11T09:37:00.005-07:00

dear kstew,

i've never liked you, which i know you're well aware of as you are surely an avid fan of the demos bloggerweb posts. your oatmeal expressions and lack of voice inflection, not to mention your soulless ring-wraith eyes and awkward poses are the perfect blend of blech.

but this latest promo appearance inspires a whole new level of disgust! congrats! i didn't think it was possible! but by being a guest on that a**hat's "show", you really out did your blech-ness.

team coco will now forever shun you! you are shunned!! SHUNNED I SAY!!

(oh, and hello again to all the readers!! i know right? i've been gone for like 4 months and then just show up without warning, like i've been here the whole time. what can i say? sometimes you gotta race)

strange baby names

2010-03-08T05:00:00.001-07:00

dear future parents,

i know that naming your child can be a long and frustrating time (k, i don't really know cuz, i don't have kids, but whatevs)

everyone giving their opinions, suggesting names, telling you that there is no pressure, but if you wanted, you could name your baby, after them.

but as someone who works in a field, that sees a lot of new baby names, i am here to help guide you with a list of names i suggest you NOT use:

Kindyl

k, so you lurve your new electronic reading device, great, but don't name your kid after it.

Trashod

so, i think the parent thinks that this spells "trey-shod" they would be wrong. but either way, whenever your kid has the world trash in their name, you are headed the wrong way on the baby naming road.

Khyron

this is sooo a robot name. and i have no doubt that this guy is gonna grow up to be the
Khyron 3000, domestic robot, and make his master proud.

Mysteri

guess what? mystery is already ~~not~~ an unusual name, you don't have to go and make it even more unusual by changing the 'y' to an 'i'

Porsche Mary

so, they gave her a white trashy first name, but to help her to be respectable, they gave her the most boring middle name ever! i am so naming my kid cougar fred.

La-A

what. the. fetch. kind of name is that? oh its supposed to be pronounced "La dash A"? in what world is this a name? i'm sure she won't spend her entire life correcting people and cursing her parents for giving her such a stupid moniker

Valaria

how is this not the generic drug name of valtrex?

"ah man, my peeps is totally burning, i need to take some valaria right away!"

Strawsee

i got nothin'.

again, this is just my opinion, you may totally love one or all of these names and are putting them down on your list. but just be fair warned, if you pick one of these names, i will make fun of you.

p.s. what strange names have you seen?

Valentine Visit

2010-02-22T00:27:00.000-07:00

*** I wrote this post before Valentine's Day, but totally forgot to post it. I know the day has passed, but decided to go ahead and post it anyways!***

dear lovely children,

i know your aunty demosthenes and i have not been around lately. we were going to stop by for christmas, but what can i say? your parents phoned and told us you had been bad and to not bring any more silly presents for you.

well, they clearly don't know us very well, cuz how could we pass up all the lovely love goodies that we found?

love is certainly hard to find, but with this love gun, it just got a little easier. love with literally be in the air. just load up the love gun with one of the tiny cupids and aim it at the girl or boy of your dreams, and they will be yours.

*disclaimer*

we do not guarantee love will occur: bad hygiene, annoying laughs and weird habits must be factored in.

once you've got the ~~girl~~, ~~guy~~, person of your dreams, now what? from what i have seen, you can expect constant arguments of why he didn't compliment her new shirt to why she is always calling.

relationships are hard to maintain. but never fear, we've got your back baby ( i have a perpetual love/hate with eric from twilight for introducing that line into my vocabulary)

the love notes ball is here to help when you want to whisper sweet nothings into someones ear, and you can't think any nothings. just shake and look into the heart shaped window for 20 love messages.

and we didn't forget about all you ~~losers~~ single people, if you didn't find love this valentine's day, we have something for you as well:

your very own voodoo doll!

use this 9 inch doll to punish those who have may have wronged you, like that guy who you met at a party and you seemed to hit it off and he said he'd call you, but he never did, or you know, someone else.

stick a pin in the desired area to cause unfortunate events such as, a wine stain, insomnia or a hangnail.

*disclaimer*

please use your new found super powers in a responsible way.

and as always, we didn't forget about your parents:

How to Make Love: Secrets of Wooing from the 1930s. Follow this handy booklet and ~~after 6 months~~ before you know it, you'll be walking her home from church and holding hands on her parents front porch.

my my look at the time, we had better be off. but remember, if you are good, your aunties will be back and with some more awesomely sweet goodies!

aunty

master of karate and friendship

2010-01-25T04:00:00.009-07:00

dear blogosphere,

ever since letters from valentine was a baby blog

(yes, we are coming up on a year, not so baby anymore are we!)

i have been intrigued and fascinated by the awards that get spread around the blogosphere.

and ever since i found out that anyone can make one

(that you didn't have to put in your award petition by filling out 7 request forms, in triplicate, sending in $20 for processing fees and submit them to some sort of blog award sub committee that will make their decision and notify you in 2-10 weeks)

i decided to make one of my own.

k, so that was months ago.

but i guess better late than never.

letters from valentine is proud to present the:

totally fetch right?

it is of course from the brilliance that is

it's always sunny in philadelphia

if you don't like that show, leave now. srsly, cuz i don't know if we can still be friends.

anyways, this award is all about recognizing friendships that have been made while blogging.

so, the rules to this absolutely awesome award is:

list 6 things that you are a master in

and pass it onto 6 bloggers that you think are masters at friendship and make blogging so awesome.

1. i am a master in sleeping.

srsly, i could sleep for 12 hours, get up, eat breakfast and go back to sleep.

2. i am a master in quoting lines from movies or tv.

i don't think i say an original thing all day long, i just quote stuff.

3. i am a master of procrastinating

despite wanting to do something right away, i am physically unable to

4. i am a master at multi tasking

since i procrastinate, i usually have to do a couple things at a time. i have gotten good at it. very good.

5. i am a master at googling.

it's all about the keywords.

6 i am a master at shopping sales.

i love a great deal. and i really love 50% off clearance. i feel a mighty hunter. and the sweet deals are my kill.

and i am passing this award onto:

supah mommy

cottage cheese thighs

hotpants

amy at happily ever after

living in france

whitney at the king and i

you know, if hollywood had an award as awesome as this one, i might be more interested in watching boring award shows.

when demos and i have too much time on our hands....

2010-01-20T04:00:00.001-07:00

dear readers,

awhile back demosthenes and myself did a guest post over at another blog. since some of you might have missed it, decided to repost it here.

warning, this is hilariously dirty!

for those of you who know us, of course we are gonna be ourselves. and let's be honest, we think you prefer us that way. the following are a couple convo's that we have had. can you believe that this started out as an email discussion about a badly translated italian fan letter? and some how the jonas brothers, rpattz chest hair (we like to call it a chest mane) and saute pans got dragged in, then pureed in the food processor that is our brains and reconfigured until we were discussing "fella" names. yeah, that sounds about right.

Demosthenes: .........rob pattinson wouldn't call "his fella" mr. peeps, he'd go for something like big bronco

Valentine: since rob is british, he'd totally go for a formal name. like mr. wickham, handsome, devilish and loves the ladies.

demosthenes: i don't see him naming it something formal, he'd need an ego booster, like The Rhinocerus. what would emmett, from twilight, name it?

valentine: i still love calling it his mr wickham, and when we meet behind the dumpsters, i will say "k, where's johnny wickham"

calling someone's "fella" a rhinocerus is like calling it a giraffe! its kinda weird. and not hot. hmmm....what would emmett call it? the jackhammer? the bear?

demos: okay, i can see that with the giraffe (really, who says that?) but a rhino? come on, that's a beast!!! emmett would call it the jackhammer!! LOL thats perfect for him! and jasper (cullen, from twilight) would call it captain enormous, or something with rank.

val: jasper would go with a ranked name. something like general privates or captain copious, master (sgt) magnificient. these are starting to sound like super hero names.....super hero names that are fetching awesome.

demos: general private! that made me snicker, lol. and carlisle (cullen) would call it Dr Littleton

val: i don't know of many men that would want the word "little" in their peeps name...

demos: can't you see it? carlisle says to esme "did someone page Dr Littleton?" hahahaha, i am laughing as i write this!

val: oh my goodness! can you imagine if carlise had a sex pager? lol that esme would use when she was feeling the need, the need for carlisle's seed. and he would totally show up like in a bad porn.and be like

carlisle: "did someone page dr littleton?"
esme: " yes, i did. i need some of your venom"

demos: how the heck did we start talking about what fictional characters would name their wang?

val: i have NO idea!

* a couple of days later*

demos: mr darcy (pride and prejudice) would totes call his "the gentleman".
"alright ladies, here comes the gentleman!" he would practice his fencing with it in the mirror, lol. "nice play, gentleman, nice play"

demos: heres another one: harry potter would call his the "firebolt" LOL. "line up girls, the firebolt will take you on the ride of your life"

val: oh man, you are on fire! snape (harry potter) would call his the "potion stirrer", hagrid would go off to "tame his dragon" and dumbledore would go off to "make a deposit" in his pensive. oh, was that too far? should i not have dragged dumbledore into this?? lol

d: oh dang, dumbledore! LOL. you know me, nothing is too far! he'd arrive to an appointment with mcgonagall and have spooge stuck in his beard.

mcgonagall : "um professor... you have a little... yes in your beard"

dumbledore: "oh so sorry minerva dear. i do try to be careful but this beard is just so d*mn long!"

harry: "wanna ride my firebolt hermione?"

v: i am dying! that part with dumbledore and mcgonagall, so disgusting and hilarious!

d: ron would want something that sounds tough like "the mighty hypogriff"

v: i think han solo would call it "his wookie" as in he always lets his wookie win.

d: han would make fun of luke by calling his an ewok when they're at the urinal together.

d:richard cypher (legend of the seeker) would call his "the dagger of truth."

"hey kahlan, i have this awesome dagger in my pocket. wanna see?"

don't act like you all weren't thinking this stuff too! we're just the ones with the guts to say it out loud (and then publish it on the interwebs for everyone to see)

&

why it sucked

2010-01-18T04:00:00.011-07:00

dear new moon,

awhile back, demos and i discussed why twilight sucked, did you really think we'd do any different for you? you did? oh, that's sweet.

The Cake

despite this cake, that could feed 50 in a house where no one eats, showing up in the trailers, it did not make it to the actual movie. what gives? you didn't have the 10 seconds to show us this cake we had heard so much about? total lamesville!

The Sudden Accent

it's like they suddenly remembered that jasper was supposed to be southern.

"Scarlet O'Hara! jasper is supposed to have an accent!"

"oh yeah, i think i remember reading something in the notes about him being southern....."

"we forgot to do it in twilight, do you think anyone will notice?"

"no, i think we'll be fine"

and not only was the accent southern,

it was southern belle southern (lets see how many more times i can say southern in this sentence.....Southern!)

makes me wonder if they got the dialect coach from true blood to teach him, cuz it sounded similarly craptastic.

The Too Cool for Socks

(i don't have a pic for this, but trust, this is srsly true. demos and i laughed when we saw it! check it out the next time you watch new moon)

look at marcus's feet when we get to volterra......

he is wearing frickin' wicker harachi's!

in the books stephenie mentions that the volturi wear clothes that hinted to older times, i didn't realize she meant the miami vice times.

Introducing Bella Swan as Darth Vader

while i am the first person to say hallelujah that kristen did not strobe light blink

through out the entire break up scene, i am not entirely sure trading it for darth vader breathing was a step up.

major fail award goes to whoever noticed it and let her keep doing it.

Alice's Housecoat

"what is that gawd awesome wet dog smell?"

no alice, the real question is what is that gawd awful thing you are wearing?

is it a blanket (that you subsequently turned into a coat) that you bought from a hippie that was selling it on the side of the road from their van?

you know the van i mean, they are usually blue with some sort of airbrushed design on the side. you know, the people who hang their blankets up on a rope, there is usually one with a giant tiger face.

they also try to sell you handmade soap that they clearly never use.

srsly alice, i've seen cat ladies with better housecoats.

Werewolves, meh

i can't tell you much about the wolves, cuz everytime they were on screen, my mind wandered to mundane and medial tasks that i needed to do. yeah, the wolves were so boring that my mind wandered to reorganizing my kitchen cupboards, and i hate organizing. nuff said.

New Moon Soundtrack

k, i bet you all think that i am gonna say how much i hated the music on the soundtrack, that it was totally depressing, there weren't any great songs, that the twilight soundtrack was so much better. ha! gotcha. i totally loved the music to this movie, what i didn't like was that almost the entire soundtrack was played during the first 30 min. and then we were left with nuffn'

as much as i love chris weitz and what he did with the saga, there is def. room for improvement for eclipse. we're counting on you david slade, don't let us down!

p.s. what do you think made new moon suck?

don't abandon ship

2010-01-09T17:32:00.005-07:00

dear LFV readers,

like the new look? i needed something bright to get me through the gray drab that is january. it is srsly the worst month. okay, february is srsly the worst month, (cuz it srsly is) but my b-day is in february, so it has something going for it.

demos and i have taken another break, we didn't intend to, but before you know it, it has been a couple of weeks.

but we do have somewhat of an excuse, i've been in the process of getting a new job, so that has been kinda stressful. and on top of that i have begun studying for a certification in my prospective field, so that has been a tad time consuming.

wedding season is starting back up again, so demosthenes has been doing that. as well as redoing her house, which is looking awesome by the way.

oh yeah, and she had some nasty food poisoning last week.

anyways, that is what we have been up to.

but we will be back.

we have to.

cuz we still haven't shared with you all why New Moon sucked.

and we have had that planned since we saw the dang thing almost 2 months ago.

eyes (other than ours) have to read it.

so hang in there. don't stop visiting.

we will have new stuff soon.

teetering on tweetering

2009-12-20T08:00:00.001-07:00

dear LFV readers,

i did it. i know. i am kinda in shock.

but it sounded like it might be fun. and everyone else is doing it.

and if memory serves right, i remember my mom always mentioning something about doing stuff just because everyone else was.......

so here it is:

http://twitter.com/valentineletter

stop by. say hi.

or

be fetch and follow.

please, i don't want to be a tweeter loser.

team lame

2009-12-19T03:00:00.003-07:00

dear company that i work for,

so this year for christmas, you decided to gift your employees with hoodies. hoodies that not only have our department name on them, but also our logo on the back......

while many of my coworkers find them cool (clearly they are lame) they make me feel like i am a

mathlete .

or part of the chess club

like a group of nerds that get together and feel jealous that the football team has jackets, so why can't we?

"take that socially popular football players!!"

so fine, we have them. whatever. but everyone (minus me) wears them while at work. while that wouldn't be too bad, everyone wears them with the hoods on and they are black jackets......

great. now we look like some crazed cult or even better. the uni bomber.

but they are warm. and my office is fetching cold. so i will wear it. sometimes. begrudingly.

but if someone suggests we all get our names embroidered on them, i'm out!

major christmas card FAIL

2009-12-15T10:47:00.002-07:00

dear valentine,

i posted once a long time ago about how irritating it is when people refer to me as "mrs john doe". i'm a person and i have a name, and guess what? ITS NOT MY HUSBANDS NAME!

so my church (read: extremely patriarchal sexism machine) sends out christmas cards every year to each family. last year i got the standard "mrs john doe" treatment. imagine my shock and horror when i saw this years card. it was addressed to "john doe" (or as we know my hubby on this blog, "vincent vega"). thats it. i didnt even get a "mrs" (much less a "demosthenes"), i was left off the card completely! WTH??

have i actually become the invisibility wielding Mutant Paladin from my last post? have they forgotten i exist? no, i suppose the obvious answer is that i, as a woman, am expected to be content to define my life by husbands life, without a job, interests, contributions, or even a name of my own.

i would say something to the person who mailed out the card, but i know i would be met with the condescending attitude that sexist men and women reserve for "radical feminists". all i want is to be recognized as human being. recognized for my existence as a separate entity from my husband. is that so much to ask? is that so "radical"?

mutant x

2009-12-11T09:29:00.005-07:00

i know this post is a little late. its friday, what can i say?

so you all know i'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to sci fi/fantasy stuff. and so it shouldn't surprise you that i have a fair number of conversations about weird sci fi stuff in my everyday life.

my hubby (we'll call him vincent vega) and i were talking a few days ago, and we began wondering what type of mutant powers we would have if we were X Men and what would our mutant names be?

of course i dragged valentine into this, and heres how it went down:

D: last night me and vincent vaga were talking about, if we were a Mutant on Xmen what would our mutant power be and what would our mutant names be. what would yours be?

V: k, i am awful at this stuff, so i think i would be gladryn and my power would be super strength, i guess

D: LOL, gladryn? thats a terrible mutant name! LOL, thats like an elven name or an aes sedai name! LOL mutant names are typically real words or similar to real words, (storm, cyclops, beast, phoenix, polaris, nightcrawler, wolverine, magneto, rogue, etc). so, if your power is super strength your name should be something like Power, or Charger, or Dynamo, or something. keep working on it! LOL

V: how about storm?

D: LOL, your getting warmer, but thats already a mutant! i will just pick a name for you. you shall now be known as Rampage.

so here's how it stands:

demosthenes: named Paladin, and has the power of invisibility
vincent vega: Audubon, and can run/move super fast
valentine: would have super strength, and (thanks to me :) would be called Rampage (not gladryn, that would be lame :)

sound off! what would your mutant powers and name be? would you fight for the xmen or with Magneto?

greatest christmas decoration evah

2009-12-09T00:00:00.001-07:00

dear valentine,

why are other people always so much more clever than me? i never seem to be the one coming up with kick a** ideas like this one:

if you freaked out for a second, don't worry thats a normal (and i might add "comforting") reaction. in fact, anyone who was not slightly alarmed/concerned after first seeing this photo, might be damned to hell for all eternity, you heartless b*tches. just sayin' ;)

but we can all relax, this is actually just a christmas decoration, and the best f*ckin one i've ever seen. unfortunately, though understandably, the police made zir take it down after just 2 days, due to all the heroic rescue attempts from passersby.

happy holidays!

win a date with matthew bellamy

2009-12-08T00:50:00.001-07:00

*** Edited to add, this is Matthew Bellamy. He is the lead guitarist/singer of the band Muse, who totally kick asphalt***

dear matthew,

you know how celebs are always offering to have lunch with winners from contests and such. i'd totally love to win a day (or night, cuz i'm guessing you're not really a ~~morning~~ day person) with you.

and i imagine that this is how it'd go down. yes, hold on for some totally fetch valentine theater!!!

you arrive an hour late. i was left waiting on the corner of hooker and druggy. not cool!

once your finally arrive, you mumble something unintelligible about a fight with a dolphin and a life long ban from sea world.

i ask where we're going to lunch. this being my first time in LA i am hoping for some awesome exclusive place i read in my celeb mags.

your answer, fuddruckers

you love the name. it makes you giggle everytime.

on the way, we pass an FYE. you yell at the driver to stop. next thing i know you have gotten into a fight with a walker texas ranger chuck norris cut out. he was starring you down and he has been asking for it for awhile. we get kicked out of the FYE, but not before you totally kick his a**

you tell me a joke about this guy that walks into a gas station, asks for some cigs, the gas station dude is all rude and stuff and the first fuy punches him in the ear. oh wait, that wasn't a joke, it's what you did last wednesday.

as we head to a club, we pass a post office, you start shouting out

"THEY WILL NOT FORCE US!
THEY WILL NOT CONTROL US!
WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!"

and torch the place.

okay........that was weird. but i decide to go along with it cuz the postal lady is always up in my face about me not marking out the logos from my preused boxs.

this is some total bad a**-ery.

we go back to your place, you start to serenade me with endlessly (the hottest song ever) but only get halfway through it before you puke. a little gets on my shoes. i'm pissed.

you move in to get things started, but as you start to lean in, you pass out and land pretty hard on the floor. i get up and leave. it's fine, i wasn't planning on doing anything with you anyways. i am a loyal kinda gal.

i picked you for my celeb "lunch" cuz i'd get a totally awesome story to tell for the rest of my life without the inevitable walk of shame the next mornin'

rock on matthew, rock on!

p.s. who would be your celebrity that you'd have "lunch" with.....

lady tremaine

2009-12-04T00:00:00.001-07:00

dear LFV readers

so you all know my awesome sister demosthenes, so now i wanted to introduce you to my very sweet and hilarious, older sister, she insists we call her lady tremaine (yeah, the mean step mama from cinderella.) don't ask

yes, she is hilarious, though often times unintentionally. she sees the world a different way than me, and i enjoy her insight

i think she is the only adult in the world that takes pinky swears srsly. she treats them as though they are the unbreakable vow. she called me concerned that she had pinky swore with someone and she fully intended to break the promise. she was concerned about what to do

i will never forget a hilarious convo we had about twilight:

lt: so don't people notice that carlisle doesn't age

v: yes, that is why they move around alot

lt: how can he do that? what about social security? don't they ever notice

v: i don't know, maybe he changes his name sometimes. they also have a guy that forges documents for them.

lt: doesn't he notice that they don't age

v: i don't think he cares, they pay him good money

lt: doesn't he care that he is forging papers for vampires

v: he's a FORGER......i don't think he asks questions. ever

lt: how did carlisle make his money

v: i don't know. *sighing* maybe he put some money in the bank 300 years ago and now he lives off the interest.

i love that her main concerns are that carlisle pay his taxes and that an illegal document forger doesn't aid vampires

despite her sometime confusion, she is incredibly creative and talented. she is sweet and caring. she has tender heart and has been supportive of this blog since the beginning. she is super fetch

totally love her,

H1N1 pie

2009-12-03T00:00:00.004-07:00

dear valentine,

thanksgiving holiday sucks monkey balls. it is my least fav holiday ever. its def suckier than halloween, and i think even crappier than valentines day (although the extra time off work for thanksgiving is super amazing).

i mean srsly, the decorations suck, the overindulgence on food makes me feel like crap, and then all teh dudes want to watch football all f*ckin day. (although in DH family, his dad makes all the guys go play the "gee-tar" with him which means a little less football on the tv).

but the shining light on this crap-fest of a holiday is my delectable vegan pumpkin pie.

(NO KITTEH!!! this is my pot pie!! bad kitteh!!)

i make one pumpkin pie every year, and its amazing. i bake it in a graham cracker crust which is even more amazing. (i hate normal pie crusts, i think they must be a communist invention with the sole purpose of ruining pie, and thereby destroying the capitalist free market system). and i take said amazing pie every year to the family thanksgiving dinner where it sits among about 10 other pumpkin pies (none of which are vegan).

and every year, without fail, the same family members want to try my pie, for no other reason than because its vegan. IT TASTES EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT DID LAST YEAR! there is only one vegan pie to be shared amongst three vegans, GO EAT YOUR OWN EFFING REGULAR PIE!!!!

this year we labeled the box "H1N1 pie" and hid it in the kitchen with the hopes that no one would see it, but if they did, perhaps they would confuse it with some twisted thanksgiving terrorist plot.

and guess what? this year NO ONE else in my entire family made pumpkin pie.

(guess its a good thing i finally decided to make two!)

wonderful christmas time

2009-12-01T00:30:00.002-07:00

dear christmas,

i am tired of your songs. i know, you're probably thinking, 'how is that possible? it's only dec 1!' well, here in the wonderful land of utah, we have a radio station that believes it is its job to kill christmas before it even starts. they have been playing your songs for almost a month now.

to be fair, when i say i am tired of the songs, not all of them. of course i have my favorites, but there are those handful that if i hear it again, i srsly might have some sort of screaming fit. (something reminiscent of bella's bad dreams in new moon)

santa baby

i really can't stand this song. never mind that whoever sings it, sings it like a demented betty boop. but i associate it with christmas parties as a child where no doubt, a couple of single, slightly off cat ladies would get up and sing it. i guess in hopes that father christmas puts a man under her tree.

the christmas shoes

i don't care if you think i am a heartless bastard. i hate this song. what the eff is it even about? children who don't have shoes? children who want to buy shoes? i don't get it. plus, i srsly dislike anything, ANYTHING that tries to play off my emotions and pulls at my heart strings. (side note: what does that expression even mean? how is that not the creepiest visual ever, that your heart has strings. total grossness.)

washed up "pop star" remakes

why does every pop star (and yes, i use that term very. very loosely) feel the need to take an already wonderful song and put "their own spin" on it, i.e. make it crappier. why do they always seem to be warbling it in? you are not whitney houston. stop trying. i am sorry that your sad career is drying up and your sales are slumping, but that is no reason to ruin christmas.

but to balance this out and so you don't think i am some sort of scrooge, i do have my favorites as well.

i want a hippopotamus for christmas

srsly, what an incredibly strange and totally awesome christmas song. and is it sung by a midget woman? those are some srs pipes on that girl. see, another reason why i love this song. no one sings like this anymore. and what the h*ll is a hippo hero?

a wonderful christmas time

i am not a big paul mccartney fan, but i love this song. okay, i love the video to this song. him and his friends running around in very, very fake snow. it's simple. its easy to sing along with. totally love it.

last christmas

okay, i also love this one cuz of the vid. a totally cheesy love/christmas song while on a skiing holiday. does it get better than that?

feliz navidad

i have fond memories of this song. each year, my parents would load all of us kids in the van and we'd drive around looking at christmas lights. no doubt, each year, this song would be playing on the radio. we would sing it so loud, we were practically shouting. ah, good times.

p.s. speak out- which christmas songs do you love? which ones do you hate?

demos and val on the town

2009-11-23T11:00:00.002-07:00

dear new moon,

we went, we saw and we loved.

but here are the events that led up to that moment:

we had to get ready. and of course we did it as we blared the new moon soundtrack. (have you heard it yet? it is totally amazing. emo edward gave it 4 sad faces cuz it's totally depressing.)

gots to look good right? what if edward showed up?

here is my after pic, with ZERO curl in my hair. oh well, it had more body. you got that, it wasn't a total waste of time!

and of course we had to have "sitting around 3 hours early" snacks. which we did. a huge mountain of sour patch kids, twizzlers, swedish fish and reeses pieces. all the classics.

and what better way to wash down all that sugar, than with blood!

i srsly, saw these labels online like 6 months ago, bookmarked them and totally forgot til weds night. that is srsly how i roll.

but, i did remember and in time. even got some awesomely red vitamin water to give it the perfect effect.

we srsly had 3 hours to kill til the movie started, so demos and i decided to do a quick photo op:

yep, i was so excited and spastic that i took a pic of the floor. isn't it pretty?

here is demos, kickin' back some of the ole red.

here i am, doing my best "brooding vampire" face. i think edward would be proud of how serious i was.

and of course, here we are together. make sure to read our ~~boobs~~ shirts. demosthenes went through, well not a lot of trouble, but certainly some trouble to make them. so read them d*mnit!

please disregard my strange face, there was this chick practically freaking out that the theater said "men who stare at goats" and not new moon. after this pic, we reassured her it was right and to shut the hale up!

we went back in and played a few lively games of uno. but had to stop, cuz i was positive the dude behind me was throwing signals to demos to tell her what cards i had. can't trust nobody.

at this point, we still had like 2 fetching hours left. what to do? um, hi, MADLIBS!

but, i don't know where one buys madlibs, so we (and when i say we, i totally mean demos) made up our own.

so, for your entertainment, our new moon themed madlibs. please note that it was about 11:00pm at this point, both had gotten up early, didn't nap and were on a sugar and blood rush. so they may not seem so funny now, but i promise we were rollin at the time.......

One day two shoes went to Forks, WA to watch new moon. rpattz hopped next to them and offered to burp them. kstew saw the two chairs with him and jumped his rickety car.

One day alice called bella to say Peter Pan was in Forks and if she wanted to go to the signing. Bella blurrily said hale yeah! but what about Edward, didn't he want to go to Rivendale? Alice reminded bella that edward was a dirty vamp, so they linked arms and shinely left.

so to sum up the night:

5 hours sitting in a movie theater seat, $10

enough candy to make us vomit, $25

new moon flavored t-shirts, $30

watching rpattz naked chest sparkle in the sun? ORGASMIC. oh wait, i mean "priceless". ya thats the word, i'm looking for.

srsly, seeing him half naked at the end was totes m goats the best thing that happened to me in all of last week. (don't tell my husband

thanks for an awesomely fetch time,

we interrupt......

2009-11-17T00:00:00.002-07:00

dear LFV readers,

demosthenes is in town! yep, flew in, special delivery for new moon.

so, i won't be here. again.

but can you blame me? if your sister, who is super awesome and cool, came to visit, wouldn't you skeez out while she was here?

i knew you'd understand.

i'll be back on friday......maybe saturday. depends on how wild we get on opening night.

and will def. have pics to post (but no spoilers. promise. double pinky swear) of our fun night.

will also be on the hunt for the most supes lame twi fan that night. hint, i think it might be us!!

rockin it sister style,

p.s. i just noticed that i had the comments turned off. why does that keep happening???

happy b-day demosthenes!

2009-11-13T00:00:00.002-07:00

dear demosthenes,

Happy, Happy, Happy, Birthday Kiki!!!

on this, your 25th birthday(holy crap, are you srsly 25 now??)

i just wanted to write a letter to you. to let you know why i love you being my sister and my blogner in crime.

why i love you:

you wish EE was real.

you go along with our "role play" even if it makes no sense

you find me funny, even if i'm not.

you have insane knowledge of twilight, harry potter and star wars trivia.

you keep me company at work.

you make me laugh. alot.

you are super creative.

you are hilarious.

you have a fun fashion sense.

you always find the craziest stuff that the interwebs have to offer.

you like the same lame shows as me, i.e. the legend of the seeker.

you are fearless.

YOU. ARE. FETCH.

thanks for being my friend for 25 years,

p.s. that totally fetch cake, is actually a creation of demosthenes. that's right, she totally made it. isn't she super talented???

facebook to the rescue

2009-11-12T13:02:00.007-07:00

dear facebook,

so you have gotten a lot of grief lately, selling users personal information without them knowing it, hackers have broken in and stolen users information. basically a lot of stealing information has been going on.

but finally, facebook has been hasn't done something bad, but rather, saved a kid from a 25 year prison sentence.

teenager, rodney bradford, was held for 13 days by police for breaking into a brooklyn residence. fortunately for him, at the time of the crime, he updated his facebook status, that showed he was making pancakes at the time.

the case was dismissed.

so the lesson to be learned here kids. whenever committing a crime, make sure you update your status that you are doing something other than the said crime. i'd recommend tweeting something like:

"busy taking a massive crap. not going ANYWHERE.

man, bathrooms sure are boring"

"just finished looking at the vanity fair outtakes of rob pattinson. now have girlwood. need to take care of biznass"

"deep into convo with demos as to who is the more swoon worthy: mr. darcy or edward. this could take awhile"

p.s. what excuse would you use?

universal truth

2009-11-06T07:21:00.003-07:00

dear valentine,

it is a truth, universally acknowledged that there are two kinds of women in the world: bag hags and shoe whores.

I have always identified myself as a bag hag, thinking my love for new purses vs shoes was enough. but just today i realized that i own 19 pairs of shoes and only 8 purses.

jay says bag hags are more "fierce" than shoe whores
:(

what does this mean for me? what am i supposed to say now when people ask me the inevitable question "hag or whore?" (cause, ya know, people ask me that allll the time).

i think i need to seriously re-evaluate my life in light of this new information, and adjust the way i live and interact in the world, knowing that i'm a whore not a hag.

"my name is demosthenes, and i am a shoe whore". what are you?

it's the final countdown

2009-11-05T02:00:00.007-07:00

dear new moon,

hot. diggity. dog. ya'll!

the blogging whores (much love supah!) are back!!

sorry for the delay.

it took longer than we thought to kidnap rpattz, smuggle him out of the country and onto our private island in south america.

now that we are back, i have to say:

"hot dang! new moon is almost here!!!"

(do you see the 3 exclamation points? i mean biz-nass.)

two weeks from now, demosthenes and i will be standing in line, with hundreds of other losers, to see this movie at midnight. and if you are lucky, you might even get to see a picture of us. wearing our totally fetch new moon t-shirts, hopped up on caffeine and mad-libs, with no doubt a look in our eyes that clearly says:

"why the h*ll are we up at midnight to watch this lame movie"

now, before i get greased and spooned for that above comment. let me clarify, do i love twilight? yes. do i think this will be an incredible movie? no. but i will love it anyways.

as we are getting closer to the movie, i have prepared a checklist so i won't forget anything;

totally awesome new moon t-shirt to represent the vampire love?

check.

some of the ole red to "pour one out for the homies" (i.e.james)?

check.

classic middle school cut downs for any team jacob or team wolf fans?

check.

practice elbow jabs to stop any 12 year old skanks that try to steal our seats?

check.

brown paper bag (needed to vomit into) when k.stew tries to "act" any feeling other than hunger, tired or horny?

check.

i think i am all ready to go.

see you in 2 weeks,

p.s. you know, whenever i hear someone say "final countdown" i can't help but think of Gob from Arrested Development.

how awesome was that show?

answer: very.

turning dwight-enese

2009-10-21T02:00:00.005-06:00

dear dwight schrute,

oh geez! i think i am slowly turning into you. tonight, the hubs (jakt) talked me into watching battlestar galactica. so, thinking i'd watch just the first few minutes to indulge him, i ended up watching 3 hours of it.....

and really liked it......

and wanted to see more episodes.....

what. the. frack???

yeah, that's right, i said frack. i am just as weird and dorky as you!

i guess now i will start asking random people around me if they like BG......

and when they don't, berate them. it is after all the schrute way.

or sporadically start spouting bear attack information

or want my own bobblehead doll

k, actually i do want my own bobblehead. they are frakin sweet!

huh? i don't know. i guess it doesn't sound all bad. maybe i do want to be like you when i grow up. i mean, there are worse people i could want to be.......

bears. beets. battlestar galactica,

p.s. who do you want to be when you grow up?

couple dating

2009-10-19T02:00:00.003-06:00

dear how i met your mother,

after watching last weeks episode, it has come to the attention of the hubs and i (srsly, he needs a name. it has been 7 months. i think the man deserves a pseudonym. i think jakt is very fitting).

so it has come to the attention of jakt and i, that there must be something wrong with us.

we have hung out with lots of couples, we think we have a great time, playing charades, watching the office, talking about how awesome we are. they seem to agree. we part ways with the promise of a call and another get together. but yet, the phone never rings for that follow up date.

at first, we blamed it on busy schedules. busy with kids. busy with life. that must be why our phone remained silent. but after awhile, i think we must face the hard. awful truth. that the problem is us.

as we sat, after our most recent fail, drowning our confusion and tears into a gallon of ice cream, it made me wonder what the problem is. are we:

creepy?

weird?

boring?

crazy?

are we destined to roam the earth on a bike built for two instead of four?

are our nights doomed to be dinners for two?

we are to endure all the foursomes that surround and mock us?

oh well, maybe we shouldn't rush into a game of charades with just anyone. maybe we should hold out for mr. and mrs. right. and one day, we too, can be on that bike built for four.

still looking for "the ones"

p.s. sound off- what is your opinion about couple dates?

pesc - a - what?!

2009-10-15T00:00:00.001-06:00

dear valentine,

people always have tons of questions for me when they find out i'm vegan. this is one of my favorites: "what do you call someone who is vegetarian but still eats fish?".

first off, what am i the motherf*cking dictionary? why do you assume i have all the answers to your vegan related mysteries? secondly, i do have the answer. but you shouldn't assume that i do, meat eater!a person who eats fish isn't a vegetarian, and i'm sick and effing tired of them thinking they are! they are just a person who eats fish. period. they're not special. and they sure as h*ll aren't in the same league as vegetarians and vegans. (ya, i'm pretentious. what are you going to do about it?)

i guess it stems from the whole, catholics can't eat meat on good friday, but can still eat fish, cause in their eyes fish aren't meat. right. that makes perfect sense. cause, you know, fish don't have hearts, or brains, or feel pain. any one who claims they can still eat fish and be considered a vegetarian is an a**hole and i will punch them in the throat. (i'm looking at you mary tyler moore. your throat is mine).

http://www.vegsoc.org/fish/

pescatarian is a made up word specifically designed to make people feel better about their half a** lifestyle

you were searching for WHAT? Edition 2

2009-10-13T03:00:00.003-06:00

dear googlers,

so we did a letter awhile ago, dedicated to you guys and your hilarious searches. srsly, the things that must keep you up at night. the questions that burn in your head until you can get to your nearest computer, then you can go wild, and search the far corners of the inter webs until your strange little hearts content.

the interesting thing (at least to me) is that you are probably looking for something real, and end up with results that are all blogs. and we all know that those are full of idiots who had a bright idea to start blog.......otherwise known as me. one said searcher, even put in "no blogs" in their search, but guess what baby? there is no real information anymore. anyways, you are the ones who think that, but wind up here. congrats!

so here we go:

jacob commando - believe me, if this pic existed, i would have already found it! alas, it does not, like the mythical unicorn, we will have to close our eyes tight and wish upon a star, that one day, that this search reveals the real deal. (hopefully this day comes when taylor is legal)

call for vampires - sweet! i had NO idea that there was a secret vampire call! do they sell vampire whistles that when blown, (that's what she said) edward cullen comes running? wonder if sharper image carries those.......

kenneth edward lollipop- what? i don't even want to know what kind of sick kenneth the page and edward cullen role play fantasy you've got planned, but i assure you, you won't find any of that here. even though demos and i love both of these dudes!

pervert in training - okay, i was just kidding when i talked about this before, but now i wonder if i stumbled onto an actual pervert in training class or seminar.....

valentine vs. demosthenes - we have come close to it a few times, believe you me. but in the end, i don't think it'll happen cuz she is my sister and i love her.......that and she'd totally kick. my. trash. but if we ever get to that point, we'll call ya.

who would win a duel between dumbledore and gandalf - well lucky for you, demosthenes has broken down this very question. but after seeing dumbledore set those crazed zombies on fire in the Half Blood Prince, i don't know how demosthenes can defend her gandalf position.

demosthenes style- fetchin' awesome. nuff said.

zombie apocalypse valentine- i know that valentine's day can be a stressful time. apparently it is so stressful for you that you have started your search 4 fetching months early!! but it must be hard trying to find the perfect way to tell that zombie enthusiast in your life, that you love them. since i don't think this kind of card exists, i will help you out, valentine style:

um, you're totally welcome!

didn't have a plan- well admitting is the first step. and seeking out help, i guess is the second, but you definitely came to the wrong place for that. i never have a plan for this blog. but hey, i don't think most people have cared or noticed, so you are probably fine not having a plan either.

dulcet sounds - emo edward? is that you?

poster of drowning scene in the titanic movie - you sir, are sick. sick. sick. sick. not only do you want a picture of the drowning scene, in what again? that titanic movie? but you want it in effing poster size! seek help. now.

you make googling fun,

i never...

2009-10-12T03:00:00.007-06:00

do you ever feel like you get lost in the crowd? that there is very little that distinguishes you from the person next to you? yeah, me too. so here are some things that set me apart from millions of people.

i have never seen:

truth? i've seen parts, but get bored and turn it off.

nothing about this movie appeals to me

crazies who think they can sing being told by crazies that they can't. um, yeah, no thanks.

i didn't cry when watching:

other people died as well you know, not just jack.

i have never had:

an easy bake oven..... sigh

LA Gears. i wanted a pair, but never got them.

i have never:

eaten sushi

seen a boy band in concert

OR

wanted to go to paris

stepping out of the shadow,

p.s. what things have you never?

office love

2009-10-09T08:39:00.004-06:00

dear office fans,

so what did we all think of the office wedding last night? i am so excited that after all these years, jim and pam finally got married!!! but i feel like this episode was a little gimicky.

like kevin, and his tissue box shoes......um, are there no stores nearby that he could buy another pair of shoes? dwight giving jim and pam turtles, that of course escape and michael giving them that really bad painting. and all of these things were very funny, but who really does that???

i loved that michael decorated his car with cans and "going to a wedding", classic michael. and love even more that the tin cans he tied to his car, were still full.

i did enjoy the chris brown dance down the aisle (got sent that frickin video like 5 times) it was fun seeing oscar and kevin, ryan and kelly and of course phyllis and bob vance.

overall, i really liked this episode and i really LOVE that it was an hour long. but is it just me, or is the tone of these recent episodes been different? like someone else is writing them? whoever wrote them the last 2 seasons, can't they come back??

what happens in niagra, stays in niagra,

p.s. what did you think of the office last night?

working girl

2009-10-06T21:13:00.007-06:00

dear working women,

so what is our obsession with meetings? why do they always start out harmless and (somewhat) informational, but quickly turn into a gripe fest and blame game.

we do we try to turn random coworkers into our "family"? don't we have actual family and friends? are our real families lost causes so we create a new ones?

why do i get the feeling that while someone is reminding the group that we are all adults,
they really just want to be the parent of the "adults"?

why does the word "team" always seem to come up? what is so wrong with not wanting to be a part of a team? to want to be an individual that does their work and goes home?

why does emotion always seem to trump logic? if someone cries, then they must be right? why do we think respect is something to demand and not earn?

no wonder women are usually not taken seriously, we can't seem to get through a simple meeting without bringing up how we feel, how we are being treated, and that so and so is not doing their share. that's what kids do.

do you think men do this? do they sit around, taking 2 hours out of their day to talk out feelings and frustrations? h*lls no! i think doing that would be handing over their balls and never getting them back.

Lawrence from Office Space

"h*ll naw man, i think you'd get your a** kicked for saying something like that"

it saddens me. women are intelligent, capable and caring, but we seem to get caught up in the pettiness and turn on each other. we get bogged down with these behaviors and none of our good qualities show through. i think we are better than this.

fall favorites

2009-10-06T00:40:00.030-06:00

dear fall,

so i guess you are really and truly here. it has been cold and rainy and overcast the last couple of days. kinda bumming me out, i could use some cheering up. so in honor of your arrival, i thought i'd share some of my favorite things for the upcoming season.

favorite tv shows

dexter

the most likable serial killer around

the office

finally, the jim and pam wedding!

psych

like the mentalist.....only funny.

vampire diaries

you can read here to see how i feel about this show

it's always sunny in philadelphia

crazy. insane. hilarious.

favorite smells

ginger vanilla

sweet cinnamon pumpkin

vanilla caramel

favorite apparel

adorable sweater from aero

i am lovin booties, and these payless ones are super cute and cheap!

how awesome is this plaid car coat, also from aero

i love flats and these tweed ones are super sweet.

headbands are my new favorite accessory and i love this one from forever 21

favorite home stuff

i love this print from etsy

i have always loved damask, and this one from target is especially nice

love. love this chandelier from pottery barn

off to enjoy shorter days and cooler nights,

joel and his community

2009-10-02T00:00:00.007-06:00

dear joel mchale,

you are my hero. if i could have a one night stand with any celebrity.... well, it wouldn't be you. but you'd be on the top ten list, thats for sure!

so needless to say, when i heard about your new show "community" i nearly spooged myself. i wanted so badly to love this show. but the first two episodes were a bit like taking a drink of what you think is sprite, but turns out to actually be water. meh.

fortunately the third episode came through for me! i knew you wouldn't let me down joel, as long as i kept believing. last night i finally laughed through an entire episode. i think part of the improvement came from how few lines were given to chevy chase. (this is direction you should stick to in future episodes).

but what happened to jon olliver? he was the only worthwhile part of the pilot episode, and then he suddenly disappeared, like chuck cunningham on happy days.

but with or without jon olliver, you did manage to salvage your reputation last night joel (i bet you love it when the ladies tell you that ;).

here's valentines take on the show:

i was hesitant when i heard about the show that would be replacing the very sweet and lovable, "my name is earl" ( i am 1 of the 100 or so people who liked that show.....which is why it was cancelled) i tried the first ep, turned it off mid way, it was too hard (that's what she said) to sit through. i gave it another try and this time waited for jon olliver and that made it a little worth it. but like demosthenes pointed out, he hasn't been back. why?

but after watching 3 episodes, i am still not lovin this show. you are fine, but the whole "slacker" thing was big like 10 years ago, it's like someone who just heard about this great new song called the macarena is writing this show.

there have been some funny moments, like when you and chevy wear the tiny sombreros or when you are both paddling a pretend canoe with a hostage. but for me, the funny is few and kinda far between

is indian the new black when it comes to funny sidekicks?

with the exception of the indian kid, the cast is pretty unfunny and why am i spending the whole episode wishing bad things would happen to them?

next stop, b*tchville

and let's not forget this little peach. she isn't funny. she isn't nice. she is pretty, but not enough to pull off all that b*tchy. i don't know, i think i am just tired of the whole "disinterested slacker tries to impress disinterested, pretentious girl"

this show is on the road to funny, but i think they will end up getting a flat tire on the outskirts of mediocre town and will eventually decide to just live there because it's easier than fixing the tire.

wow, i started this with a much more positive opinion, but somehow ended up here. this will probably be a show that i watch when nothing else is on, or in the summer when there is really nothing on.

&

and the winner is......

2009-10-01T00:00:00.000-06:00

dear lfv readers,

time to announce the giveaway winner!

for those who said they don't know anything about the two wizards…. well, i'd like to scream at you "whats wrong with you people, are you f*cking insane?!?!". but then i realized i should probably congratulate you because, ultimately, it is those of us with an intimate knowledge of both stories who are the losers and the rest of you are normal, well-adjusted human beings..… so congratulations on winning at life! but TOTALLY bombing on the giveaway contest.

i don't know who these people are, but uploading their pic seemed appropriate

first, the runners up. honorable mention goes to:

kimi - you totes managed to use the term "girl wood" in your entry, and that is just awesome!

jay ferris - i'm very impressed with the uber-nerdy ability to analyze both wizards, based purely on objective fact from the books. you make demos proud!

there were lots of amazing answers, it was hard to pick just one! thanks for playing along everyone, but unfortunately this is not 5th grade field day, and we don't hand out ribbons just for participating, or trying really hard. there can only be one winner. and that winner is........

SUPAH MOMMY!!!

congrats! email us the info and you will be receiving your amazing assortment of prizes!

chuck norris

2009-09-30T00:00:00.001-06:00

today is the last day to enter the giveaway! don't forget!

dear readers,

i think we could all use a mid week pick-me-up, enjoy ;)

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the Element of Surprise.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's f*cking beef.
The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.

got some more good ones? shout them out in the comments

do you know how much 20 lbs really is?

2009-09-28T00:00:00.002-06:00

valentine is taking a few personal days (rumor has it that she's on a secret get away with the jo bros, robbing them of their childlike innocence, as well as literally just robbing them) and left me in charge of the blog. a decision she will likely regret once the jo bros induced haze wears off.

reminder!! the giveaway ends this wednesday, so everyone who hasn't entered yet and doesn't hate kitteh's better hurry up and pick a dumbledore vs gandalf winner soon! there are a few glaring absences from the comments section (you know who you are)

and onto our regularly scheduled programming:

dear 19 lb-baby mama,

WTF?!?! the thought of a normal, completely uncomplicated, 7 lb baby, pregnancy makes my va-jay-jay hurt. i cringe in fear and pain whenever i have to endure child birth visuals or descriptions. and then i woke up friday and read your story. i was incapacitated with imaginary bajingo pain for hours.

surrender to me humans, or suffer the consequences!

do you have any idea what else weighs 20 lbs? ya, a f*cking kareoke machine!!! that was what was inside your belly.

if only you could get a baby to play music instead of cry......

car tires also weigh 20 lbs.... are your insides exploding yet?

but you know what else makes me hurt about your story? the fact that you are 41 years old! you will be almost 60 years old before this baby is a legal adult. but lets get real, an 18 year old is still practically a kid, and will likely be relying heavily on you at least until your 65. i think my uterus just fell out.

but i guess i should also say congratulations and enjoy your new bundle of 20 lb joy, and all that sh*t too.

winnie "the motherf*cker" pooh will eat your soul for dinner

coming up with titles is hard

2009-09-25T00:00:00.000-06:00

dear virgin trying to become a whore,

what were you thinking, writing this letter to e jean?

"Dear E. Jean: I’m a 21-year-old virgin fishing for a sugar daddy whcomino’ll launch me into a life of caviar and beautiful clothes. I recently heard about the American grad student auctioning off her virginity; right now, she’s considering bids of up to $3.7 million. I want to attempt the same. It would take care of my college loans, and I could live on the interest and be free to develop my career and talents.

The breaking of the hymen is reportedly painful and disappointing anyway. Why should I waste my purity on a “meaningful” college boyfriend or even a saggy sugar daddy when I can receive a pot of gold all in one go? How would I go about notifying these wealthy barons without attracting attention? —The Hungry Virgin"

ya, why waste your first time having sex on someone meaningful or special? what a waste that would be! i can't think of a better use for your virginity than whoring yourself out to the highest paying skeez bag, who likely has herpes.

you do realize that this makes you a prostitute right? you can try to justify it all you want, but you are degrading yourself and bringing down women's rights efforts world wide.

whats with guys wanting to bang virgins so badly anyway? virgins suck in bed. they have no clue what to do. their only skill set involves trying to not be nervous.

so good luck ruining your life and forever regretting this most terrible of decisions.

ps, don't forget to enter the giveaway! we're dying to hear your thoughts on
dumbledore vs gandalf

giveaway!!! demosthenes style

2009-09-23T21:09:00.011-06:00

dear LFV readers,

valentine said i got to do the next give away (what was she thinking?) so here it is. thats right, we made it to 100 posts, b*tch! i've got some fab demos style items that some lucky lady (or dude?) gets to take home for their very own.

the devil/ninja duck: (what? like he has to be just one or the other?)

don't you want to help a duck like me?

the boss toss: (you will be the envy of all your co-workers)

hate your boss? now you can vent your impotent rage at these mini plastic figures

does this one really need a title?

bacon is life. and a band aid too.

the most amazing buttons ever:

you know you are.

i know you're dying to give that ninja duck a home, so heres how you play:

dumbledore and gandalf are fighting to the death in an ultimate wizards duel (insider sources tell us that the fight started over who gets to take grindlewald on a date to the new moon premier in nov. the victorious wizard will be in prime obsessive-stalker seats, right next to rpattz). post in the comments who would win and why you think so. (no one-word responses please!) the most demosthenes-alicious answer will be the winner.

i'll start:

gandalf would kick dumbledore's flat, pancake a** all over the quidditch pitch! gandalf fought with a balrog, man, a BALROG!! you think an unholy demon of the underworld is an easy b*tch to slap? and then he f*cking came back from the dead!! i'd like to see dumbledore pull that out of his sorting hat. besides, gandalf wields glamdring, and they don't give out ancient, elven-made blades to just any body who wants one.

the fellowship would have been demolished in the mines of moria if dumbledore had been in charge

valentine next:

dumbledore really wants those seats next to rpattz, and he'd obliterate gandalf to get them. first, he'd distract him with gandalfs well known weakness: bertie bott's every flavor beans. then, while gandalf is foolishly eating an ear wax flavored one, dumbledore would get out his wand and start throwing a confundus charm, and then an erecto charm *ahem, who can fight when "that" is at attention* and then finish him off with the cruciatus curse. gandalf would be as defenseless as a hobbit before such devious tactics.

don't leave me hangin guys! or not only will valentine never let me do another give away, but a kitten dies every time someone visits but doesn't leave an answer :(

save the kittens, enter the giveaway

WARNING: this cannot be unseen

2009-09-22T20:35:00.011-06:00

dear maker of the reusable pokemon pad,

WTH?? what is wrong with you? why would you inflict this on the world? as if the thought of a reusable pad wasn't bad enough…. you have to put lovable, furry, animated, creatures on it. ya, i really want to have my bajingo rubbing up against that.

now maybe if they came in hello kitty prints.......

i see that the pokemon one is sold out, but mysteriously ALL your other styles are still in stock. want to know why? its not because women have suddenly taken a fancy to your insane product. its because the pokemon one made its way onto every tech/gamer blog in the world, and all the nerdy dudes are buying them up to hang on their walls. think i'm making that up? you clearly don't read nerdy gamer blogs.

my fav gamer blog comment said this: "my younger brother just saw this and said "YES! YES! oh man, i wish i could menstruate!". trust me young man..… you don't. just buy one for your wall and be satisfied like all the other nerds.

naturally hip? really?

i know all our readers will think i'm making this sh*t up, so just to prove that this kind of insanity can't be invented, here is the link to buy them: >here
now we all know what to get for our friends for christmas this year. if our friends were unshaven, hippy women who rub crystals on their hairy arm pits instead of buying deodorant.

take 2

2009-09-22T02:00:00.000-06:00

so, i started this blog about 5 months ago, and this was the very first letter i posted (and got 1 comment, thanks beth for being there from the beginning). since there weren't many of you back then, i thought i'd post it again. enjoy.

dear european countries,

what the what?!?! i totes understand that sometimes things get lost in translation. i realize that i take for granted that 95% of the movies i watch are made in my native tongue,in my home country (the other 5% are all the hubs idea, he wants to expand culturally, or some nonsense like that!) but seriously, what the fetch??? these can't be posters for the movies i think they are, can they?

star wars

so apparently in russia, star wars equals space cowboy. i must have missed the part when luke hops his trusty horse, pulls out his lightsaber gun, storms the deathstar and lasso's him some bad storm troopers. how pissed would you be if you went to see star wars based on this poster? i know i would, because i for one do not believe there are enough space cowboy movies

big

*shaking my head* czech republic, czech republic. well, you added the word zoltar in the back, so i guess i will give you 2 points for that and maybe a point for the sweet heart shaped sunglasses, but it ends there. at what point in this movie does tom hanks head implode into a ball of fire? maybe i was out getting popcorn or something. maybe his head should have imploded, it would have made the movie more interesting....

king kong

now i never saw any of the older versions of king kong, just the peter jackson one, but i am thinking i now want my $10 back because, apparently in the other versions king kong fights a ginormous cobra with one hand and choke holds a shark with the other, all the while avoids being skewered by a frickin ocean liner. maybe peter jackson dropped the ball on his.... but in all likeliness it was probably just france trying to spice things up.

your,

switching to team salvatore

2009-09-21T02:00:00.003-06:00

dear vampire diaries,

i did it. i finally succumbed to the siren's song. it called to me and promised that if i followed it, i would find hot vampires and moody teens. the sirens don't lie.

i was hesitant to try this new vampire show. it seemed like a cheap knock off of twilight (turns out the books were written like 15 years ago. who knew?) and i mean come on, it airs on the CW. they are not exactly known for their high quality programming.

also, i didn't want a one mr. edward cullen to get jealous and think i was moving onto a newer (and certainly equally hot) vampire. why hello mr. salvatore. you're looking awfully hot with all your brooding and what not.

i was intrigued from the start, but i was had when she opened the door. he was there. i think i swooned.

i have kinda gotten used to stephenie meyers version of vampires, that i was kinda surprised when stefan gets thirsty, he's eyes go all red and veiny. it must be the fluorescents.

i am lovin' elena, and apparently it is possible for someone to portray a human girl, caught in a world of vampires, without incessantly blinking or constant stammering. (yeah, kstew, i'm looking at you) it got so frustrating watching bella, it's like "spit it out woman!"

and elena's annoying friend, caroline, is so much less obnoxious than bella's annoying friend, jessica.

it's boone! hot dang! he didn't die on the island!

um, yeah, you're my new favorite show!

the lesser cullen

2009-09-17T22:07:00.000-06:00

dear peter facinelli,

i didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this..... i think it would be better coming from some one else. but after seeing the new contest to win your autographed "carlisle cullen" portrait, i knew this conversation couldn't be put off for long.

don't you realize that your twilight character is the lesser cullen? no one really cares about carlisle, we only talk about him when there is NOTHING to say about any of the others. it might have something to do with your mr rogers sweaters, or your crazy a** nose. studies so far have been inconclusive.

carlisle "mr rogers" cullen

but you persist in trying to win over fans. giving away your directors chair from twilight, tweeting constantly about what "carlisle" is up to, giving autographs to fan girls who were really hoping to see rpattz instead. and now this.

please listen to what i'm saying, and stop trying to get the fans to care about you. you are at the very bottom of the vamp A list. h*ll, nosferatu is higher up than you, and he's not even in color.

nosferatu thinks carlisle is a pussy

in fact, i just got an update from my agent. it turns out you've just been downgraded to vampire B list, along with that one vamp from buffy, and these wanna be twilight TV vamps, whose names no one even knows.

you're even at the bottom of my CILF (cullen i'd like to f*ck) list. it goes in this order:

1. edward (was there any doubt?)

2. jasper

3. alice

4. emmet (i'm not really that into the football player types)

5. esme

6. rosealie (she'd be higher up if she weren't such a dick)

7. carlisle

*8. bella

sound off everyone, what does your CILF list look like? (don't try to pretend like you don't have one)

**** update****

peter facinelli just contacted me personally to let me know that i originally forgot to factor bella into my CILF list. bella does indeed become a cullen vamp in book four, and there's no one on the planet i hate more or would want to f*ck less than her. so congratulations carlisle, you're more sexually attractive than the worst literary heroine ever written.

how it all vegan

2009-09-17T08:28:00.011-06:00

dear valentine,

i hate meeting new people. not only is it a pain to have to pretend to be interested in learning all about their loud, obnoxious kids (why can't parents understand that they're the only ones who like their kids?). but it inevitably leads to dinner plans, which leads to an awkward conversation about my animal friendly, vegan diet. the conversation usually goes something like this:

annoying person: how about you come over for dinner on saturday?

me (in my higher pitched, i'm pretending that i like you voice): oh that would be great! but just to let you know, we're vegan. so if you'd rather go out to eat or something thats fine.

annoying person now looks like they'd rather eat the monkey brains in indiana jones then prepare/eat a vegan meal, but with a fake smile, and even higher pitched voice says: oh…….. sooooooo.……. what DO you eat?

as if not eating animal products suddenly eliminates all known human food sources. just once i'd like to answer "mostly babies, but also the occasional space rat or tribble that wanders too close". but i don't think it would go over too well. (if you know what tribbles are without clicking the link, congratulations you are even less cool than this guy)

eventually they get the balls to ask the inevitable follow up question: does it taste any good?

no, actually its gross. see, thats the cool thing about being vegan, suddenly your taste buds transform and you love disgusting food, and start to hate anything delicious.

why do so many people equate vegan with "tastes like sh*t"? sure, some vegan foods are gross. but so are lots and lots of meaty/cheesy/egg-y foods! i think the most disgusting thing i ever ate was a meaty, greasy sausage-y thing that i can't even pronounce. but i still have the mental capacity to recognize that not every meaty meal is like that.

(^^^ ya, vegan food is really gross. you def don't want to eat any of this sh*t ^^^)

one old lady i met suddenly realized for the first time in her life, that she didn't have to put ham in her green beans. it was like watching a toddler say their first word. i almost cried.

and then there are the people who are constantly trying to catch you making a mistake. why they care so much, i have no idea. but scientists suggest it has something to do with having a small penis. or something. i srsly had an acquaintance say to hubby: oh ya? well your shirt is made of cotton!!!!

(i'll let that sink in a moment……)

you're face probably looks a lot like ours did when we heard that.

livin' it up vegan style,

cold showers and baseball

2009-09-15T00:03:00.001-06:00

dear adolescent teens,

guess what this look means:

A) she's an alien sucking the life force from

his helpless brain

B) this is his first kiss and he has NO idea what

to do

C) trying really, really hard to not get a boner.

happy to be an adult,

a bad case of fabulous-ness

2009-09-14T08:17:00.012-06:00

Here is my complete letter. for some reason, only part of it posted earlier. stupid blogger!

dear fabulous ladies,

i was reading an article in the daily mail (srsly, i love that newspaper, our celeb gossip is nothing compared to their royalty gossip. harry and chelsy- woot! woot!) and it was discussing how basically more and more women

"...think the universe resolves around us, with a deluded sense of our own fabulousness, and believe we are cleverer, more talented and more attractive than we actually are." (HoLLa!!)

oh wait, i think that is a bad thing......anyways, it got me thinking. i know a small number of teachers, and they are always complaining that each year more and more children are becoming more spoiled, or selfish or having a sense of entitlement. i guess i always attributed it to the usual suspects: busy parents, trying to buy kids' love with presents, the whole "self esteem" movement and of course, the jonas brothers.

but maybe it is not just the kids who are suffering from entitlement. in what they are calling the "sex and the city" generation ( i love researchers and scientists. it's like they are 10 years behind on cool.) a larger group of women are displaying a false sense of "fetch-ness" (let me save you time, it is not something you can attain, it's just something you are)

"..In the workplace, in friendships, even in motherhood, the pervading culture seems to have become one of competitiveness, superiority and one-upmanship."

a recent magazine asked four women in their 20s and 30s, why they think they are still single:

A 39 year old beauty director claimed to be too independent for a relationship.

A 38 year old music agent attributed her single status to the fact she was an alpha female-independent, feisty, strong minded, high achieving and intimidating

The third woman, a 30 year old arts writer and curator, has been having too much fun to settle down

Another 29 year old, she was too picky

"he needs to be successful, solvent, and driven. He must also be long on genuinely good jokes with a decent sideline in bad ones that only she finds funny.

he needs to 'speak good restaurant', to have no special dietary requirements and to always be discerning without ever being fussy.

He needs to be clever without ever making her feel stupid. He needs to 'get' but not 'know' fashion"

are you kidding me? if you are "too independent" for a relationship, then why are you looking for one? and that last one? you're looking for a dude, right? k, just making sure. so who is to blame for this excessive fabulous-ness? the internet, (poor world wide webs, it gets blamed for everything) reality tv and easy credit. so, not the people themselves. nice

off being fabulous,

honest movie posters, part II

2009-09-11T03:00:00.001-06:00

dear hollywood,

so awhile back we wrote a letter discussing how great it would be if hollywood (that's you) was blatantly honest. and proudly displayed the bad reviews like a badge of honor.

well we asked our lovely readers to submit honest movie posters to us for a future letter. well, that post is here. ( i also created a couple of my own.) and thanks to you that participated, you are totally awesome.

credit: lizzie

credit:supah d

have an awesome weekend,

working towards a bakers 2 dozen

2009-09-09T02:00:00.001-06:00

dear valentine,

i know, this is old news! but last week i had an important message to share (twilight underwear), so this had to wait a few days! but as you probably heard, michelle and jim bob duggar are preggo with their 19th child (while their youngest is only 8 months old). i read all kinds of comments on it, from the truly nasty to the truly naive. i don't want to be nasty, but i do have a problem with some of the things they've said.

i am all about women who know what they want in life and then work hard to attain it. thats the definition of feminism, whether her goal is to be CEO of a major corporation or a mom of 20. and i'm certainly not in favor of policing a woman's uterus, no matter how crazy her personal choice may seem to me. (a replacement pair, people. thats all thats necessary is a replacement pair).

i could respect michelle duggar for her choice if it was in fact that; a CHOICE. but it wasn't. they used the lamest cop out known to man and "let God decide". come on people! god gave us high functioning brains and free agency for a reason! so that we could make our own decisions!! why bother getting out of bed? or choosing what job to take? or any other number of important life decisions… you may as well just let god decide. but thats not how it works. he gave us the ability to reason, to think, to problem-solve, and to make responsible decisions. i think he wants us to us that ability, don't you?

they quit using the birth control pill because it had inadvertently caused a miscarriage (they accidently conceived while on the pill). soooo..… whats wrong with condoms? pills are not the only birth control option, and i can guarantee a condom has never caused a miscarriage.

many internet commenters have this to say "if they can take care of their kids, why do you care how many they have?". good point. but i would argue that the duggars themselves have provided the empirical evidence showing that the mom and dad CAN'T in fact take care of 18+ children. here is how they do it:

each older child is assigned a younger child (or two) to be their buddy. the older child is responsible for helping them get dressed, brush teeth, get fed, clean, etc. so basically they've stolen the childhood innocence away from their older children and burdened them with the adult responsibilities of raising their younger siblings, because its too much for just two adults to handle. there's some great parenting. sacrifice your older children's childhood because you couldn't bring yourself to decide to use a durex (no they're not paying me for the free promo, they just have funny ads. i actually prefer the lifestyles brand condoms myself).

i know this will probably be controversial, but i wouldn't be me if i didn't cause controversy everywhere i go! hopefuly this pic will lighten the mood!

Letters from Valentine

pie rack

the dollar tree?

better late then never....right?

twilight saga: breaking dawn

hollywood roundup

katniss

postcards

hollywood roundup

when things go wang. i mean *wrong*.

come back

summer visit

embarrassing food

hollywood roundup

new obsession

why it sucked

giveaway winner

the end of a party

summer beauty

sharing time

silhouette prints

just because you can......

Matthews new Muse

miles of stiles

The Birds

toddlers and tiaras: rise of the oversexed toddler

Random Funny

the end of the seeker

random letters

ninjas, gymnasts and fonzie

sprink break!

this is news?

hurray for spring!!

giveaway,one year and surfboards

new reason to hate you kstew

strange baby names

Valentine Visit

master of karate and friendship

when demos and i have too much time on our hands....

why it sucked

don't abandon ship

teetering on tweetering

team lame

major christmas card FAIL

mutant x

greatest christmas decoration evah

win a date with matthew bellamy

lady tremaine

H1N1 pie

wonderful christmas time

demos and val on the town

we interrupt......

happy b-day demosthenes!

facebook to the rescue

universal truth

it's the final countdown

turning dwight-enese

couple dating

pesc - a - what?!

you were searching for WHAT? Edition 2

i never...

office love

working girl

fall favorites

joel and his community

and the winner is......

chuck norris

do you know how much 20 lbs really is?

coming up with titles is hard

giveaway!!! demosthenes style

WARNING: this cannot be unseen

take 2

switching to team salvatore

the lesser cullen

how it all vegan

cold showers and baseball

a bad case of fabulous-ness

honest movie posters, part II

working towards a bakers 2 dozen

when things go wang. i mean wrong.