team lame

dear company that i work for,


so this year for christmas, you decided to gift your employees with hoodies. hoodies that not only have our department name on them, but also our logo on the back......


while many of my coworkers find them cool (clearly they are lame) they make me feel like i am a

mathlete .

or part of the chess club

like a group of nerds that get together and feel jealous that the football team has jackets, so why can't we?


"take that socially popular football players!!"


so fine, we have them. whatever. but everyone (minus me) wears them while at work. while that wouldn't be too bad, everyone wears them with the hoods on and they are black jackets......


great. now we look like some crazed cult or even better. the uni bomber.



but they are warm. and my office is fetching cold. so i will wear it. sometimes. begrudingly.


but if someone suggests we all get our names embroidered on them, i'm out!

win a date with matthew bellamy

*** Edited to add, this is Matthew Bellamy. He is the lead guitarist/singer of the band Muse, who totally kick asphalt***

dear matthew,

you know how celebs are always offering to have lunch with winners from contests and such. i'd totally love to win a day (or night, cuz i'm guessing you're not really a morning day person) with you.

and i imagine that this is how it'd go down. yes, hold on for some totally fetch valentine theater!!!

you arrive an hour late. i was left waiting on the corner of hooker and druggy. not cool!

once your finally arrive, you mumble something unintelligible about a fight with a dolphin and a life long ban from sea world.

i ask where we're going to lunch. this being my first time in LA i am hoping for some awesome exclusive place i read in my celeb mags.

your answer, fuddruckers


you love the name. it makes you giggle everytime.

on the way, we pass an FYE. you yell at the driver to stop. next thing i know you have gotten into a fight with a walker texas ranger chuck norris cut out. he was starring you down and he has been asking for it for awhile. we get kicked out of the FYE, but not before you totally kick his a**

you tell me a joke about this guy that walks into a gas station, asks for some cigs, the gas station dude is all rude and stuff and the first fuy punches him in the ear. oh wait, that wasn't a joke, it's what you did last wednesday.

as we head to a club, we pass a post office, you start shouting out


"THEY WILL NOT FORCE US!
THEY WILL NOT CONTROL US!
WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!"

and torch the place.

okay........that was weird. but i decide to go along with it cuz the postal lady is always up in my face about me not marking out the logos from my preused boxs.

this is some total bad a**-ery.

we go back to your place, you start to serenade me with endlessly (the hottest song ever) but only get halfway through it before you puke. a little gets on my shoes. i'm pissed.

you move in to get things started, but as you start to lean in, you pass out and land pretty hard on the floor. i get up and leave. it's fine, i wasn't planning on doing anything with you anyways. i am a loyal kinda gal.


i picked you for my celeb "lunch" cuz i'd get a totally awesome story to tell for the rest of my life without the inevitable walk of shame the next mornin'



rock on matthew, rock on!

p.s. who would be your celebrity that you'd have "lunch" with.....

mona lisa frowns

dear crazy lady,

so are we gonna talk about that whole awkward situation thing at the Louvre? you know, when you very randomly and suddenly decided to throw your cup of tea at the mona lisa.....yeah, it was kinda weird.

what's even weirder is that the article actually specificies that you threw a cup of "english breakfast tea". that seems like an odd detail to include. why does it matter what kind of tea it was? is this gonna spark a whole big thing? are they gonna have to add warning labels to that tea saying "may cause erratic and unpredictable behavior" nice. are people gonna now study the erratic behaviors of drinkers of that kind of tea?


i imagine the convo later with the louvre security guy (whose name i totally made up, but i think philip would like his title) and the real police, that's right, it's valentine theater:

police officer: what has happened here?

master protection officer, philip bedeau: well, i was standing by one of the pillars, noticing that i had a spot on my uniform. wouldn't you know it that the day that something happens, i have a spot on my uniform. all of my coworkers and friends are gonna see this. i am never going to live this down......

* PO interrupts*

PO: what about the painting? jump to the part about what happened with the painting.

MPO: oh yes. yes of course. an angry woman has thrown her cup of english breakfast tea at the mona lisa. which i for one, am shocked about.

*P.O taking notes*

PO: threw tea at mona lisa

MPO: *ahem* it was english breakfast tea

PO: what?

MPO: you said she threw tea, when it was actually english breakfast tea


PO: what difference does it make?


MPO: loads! your typical EBT, is a full bodied, robust and rich black tea blend.
it's very different from your typical irish breakfast tea which is full bodied black tea, but a malty brew.
and don't get me started on the different types of green teas......


PO: fine. fine. she threw english breakfast tea.

okay, back to you crazy lady. i am just so very confused as to why you would want to attack the mona lisa? was she looking at you the wrong way? giving you a dirty look? it's just all so very bizarre. i am just curious if you noticed the massively thick bullet proof glass that surrounds the painting? maybe you were too busy with your craziness to notice. so unfortunately your act of defiance just made a mess on the floor and pissed off a janitor.

that's a good thing

dear martha,

so, last week it was announced that oprah (you know, that b*tch that you want to shank) was going to pay for her staff of 100 employees to go on a mediterranean cruise.

well, that got me thinking about you, and what kind of boss you are. well, my mind starting wandering and i imagine that you throw things. a lot. i envision a naomi campbell-esqe flair. except you don't throw phones.

no, i like to think you throw things like flower arrangements, festive garlands, or pumpkin chandeliers. follow me as my mind lets loose on how i think one of your "episodes" goes down. i like to call it valentine theater . so please, turn off your cell phone, no talking and discard of all waste in the proper receptacles on your way out. thank you.



scene: a normal day at the mstew everyday show set

mstew: where is that f**king daft girl with the glitter?

(fdg runs in, out of breath, soaked from the torrential down pour outside)

fdg: sorry. sorry i'm late.

mstew: where have you been? you have kept me waiting.

fdg: it's really raining outside, i almost got hit by a bike messenger....


(frantically cutting off fdg)

mstew: did anything happen to the glitter?!?!

fdg: no.....it's fine. i am too, in case you care (she whispers quietly and hands the glitter to mstew)

mstew: what?? what is this shiz???? i specifically said petal pink. this is pink azalea.

(taking a closer look at the glitter container)

mstew: oh! oh! not only is it the wrong color, but you got extra fine instead of ultra fine!! what am i supposed to do with this? how am i going to make my glittered bird cards now?? are you are a moron? an ignoramus? an imbecile?

(as she proceeds to yell and berate, she throws the inferior glitter)

fdg: my eyes!!! you threw glitter into my eyes!!!

(fdg runs out of the room crying and screaming)


* and....... scene*


see, that's how you roll......at least that's how it all went down in my head. srsly, martha yo, (i've been watching a lot of the wire, can you tell?) you's got to step it up if you wanna be in the same league as that shorty, oprah. maybe you don't have to do a cruise, but mos def cut down on the throwing shiz at people.


now, that's not a good thing,