twilight saga: breaking dawn

dear breaking dawn,

what can i say? i loved you. i really loved you.

everything was much better this time around.

the pacing.

the acting.

while i wasn't a huge fan of the soundtrack (how could there be no MUSE?)

i LOVED that they played the song bella and edward danced to at the prom

in twilight.

i loved that they played bella's lullaby.

i loved the toasts at the reception, this is why the humans need to be

in each movie, their humanity is relatable.

i was happy with isle esme

and not grossed out by the delivery.

i loved the stephenie meyer made a cameo at the wedding.

i loved how gaunt and deathly they made bella.

by the way, kristen stewart may not be a great actress,

but she plays dead very well.

i could have done without the wolves (not a fan)

but since they had to be in there, i thought they were fine.

and how absolutely adorable was that baby???

and i LOVED ending it on bella's eyes!

AGGH! 356 more days until PART 2!!!!

p.s. i LOVED the hunger games trailer that played before

the movie. I guess that will have to get me through

until next november!!!

katniss

dear jennifer lawrence,


so it isn't news that you have been cast as katniss in the hunger games movie. i was hesitant when i found out, you certainly didn't look the part, but as we all know, just because you look like the character, doesn't mean you can play the part right, or even act (*cough* kristen stewart)

a lot of the HG fan forums said that i would feel different after i saw you in "winter's bone". so i watched it. and while i am not a huge fan of this movie, (or your constant montone, too many flash backs of bella), but there were certain aspects of it made me realize you should be able to pull it off playing katniss.

in fact, there were A LOT of similarities between the 2 stories



a poor small town that is dreary and gray all the time? check

a mother that is so depressed she is in a comatose state? check

having to grow up too soon to care for your family? check

able to hunt, kill and clean an animal? check



the only reason difference in the 2 were the fathers of the main characters......


that and the whole televised children killing each other thing.


i guess what i am saying is, after seeing you in winters bone,

i am a little more excited for next march when Hunger Games comes out.


now i just have to get over who they cast as peeta....

why it sucked

dear eclipse,


so lady tremaine and i saw you together last week.


and you didn't think we'd treat you any different than

new moon

or

twilight?


good. cuz we're not gonna.


1. actor switch

so lady tremaine and i agreed that riley totally should of

been cast as bella.



i mean, he acted the shiz out of the burning scene.

and they already had a wig.

done. and done.


2. the coordinated cullens




Val: what, did alice coordinate their fight clothes?

Demos: yeah, i can see her saying:

" this is very important to me emmett. i can't fight if we don't match"


3. fancy demetri


what is demetri doing in this scene?

i imagine the convo went something like this:

david slade: k, in this next scene try to act aloof. got it?

demetri: k, got it.

david: action! wait! Cut! Cut!

demetri: what?

david: i said be aloof! not a doof!



4. exercise classy


what is edward wearing? is that a sweater with track pants?

yeah, i think it is.

looks like he is trying to be his towns ron burgundy

"exercise classy, forks!"



5. the sometimes accent


oh my goodness.

bless jaspers little southern heart for really trying to sell that accent.

but just like the ending of new moon, it was laid on a bit too thick.

its like we get it!

You're Southern!

not only that, but i think carlisle got jealous of jaspers special elocution lessons and

decided to get in on the fun,

cuz he was fake accenting right along side with him.





in all fairness, this really should have been titled "why it rocked" .

this really was the best of the series so far, and we really had to dig deep into the barrel to find

stuff to make fun of.

but making fun is funner.

so we did that.


but surprisingly k.stew didn't give me a seizure with her incessant blinking and stuttering.


my mind didn't wander off when the wolves or jacob were on screen.


i loved the eclipse logo at the beginning of the movie.


and the soundtrack totally kick asphalt.

i have been listening to it non stop. still.


and the best part is that we are now this much closer to


BREAKING DAWN!!

why it sucked

dear new moon,


awhile back, demos and i discussed why twilight sucked, did you really think we'd do any different for you? you did? oh, that's sweet.

The Cake

despite this cake, that could feed 50 in a house where no one eats, showing up in the trailers, it did not make it to the actual movie. what gives? you didn't have the 10 seconds to show us this cake we had heard so much about? total lamesville!

The Sudden Accent

it's like they suddenly remembered that jasper was supposed to be southern.

"Scarlet O'Hara! jasper is supposed to have an accent!"

"oh yeah, i think i remember reading something in the notes about him being southern....."

"we forgot to do it in twilight, do you think anyone will notice?"

"no, i think we'll be fine"

and not only was the accent southern,

it was southern belle southern (lets see how many more times i can say southern in this sentence.....Southern!)

makes me wonder if they got the dialect coach from true blood to teach him, cuz it sounded similarly craptastic.

The Too Cool for Socks

(i don't have a pic for this, but trust, this is srsly true. demos and i laughed when we saw it! check it out the next time you watch new moon)

look at marcus's feet when we get to volterra......

he is wearing frickin' wicker harachi's!

in the books stephenie mentions that the volturi wear clothes that hinted to older times, i didn't realize she meant the miami vice times.

Introducing Bella Swan as Darth Vader

while i am the first person to say hallelujah that kristen did not strobe light blink

through out the entire break up scene, i am not entirely sure trading it for darth vader breathing was a step up.

major fail award goes to whoever noticed it and let her keep doing it.

Alice's Housecoat

"what is that gawd awesome wet dog smell?"

no alice, the real question is what is that gawd awful thing you are wearing?

is it a blanket (that you subsequently turned into a coat) that you bought from a hippie that was selling it on the side of the road from their van?

you know the van i mean, they are usually blue with some sort of airbrushed design on the side. you know, the people who hang their blankets up on a rope, there is usually one with a giant tiger face.

they also try to sell you handmade soap that they clearly never use.

srsly alice, i've seen cat ladies with better housecoats.

Werewolves, meh

i can't tell you much about the wolves, cuz everytime they were on screen, my mind wandered to mundane and medial tasks that i needed to do. yeah, the wolves were so boring that my mind wandered to reorganizing my kitchen cupboards, and i hate organizing. nuff said.

New Moon Soundtrack





k, i bet you all think that i am gonna say how much i hated the music on the soundtrack, that it was totally depressing, there weren't any great songs, that the twilight soundtrack was so much better. ha! gotcha. i totally loved the music to this movie, what i didn't like was that almost the entire soundtrack was played during the first 30 min. and then we were left with nuffn'

as much as i love chris weitz and what he did with the saga, there is def. room for improvement for eclipse. we're counting on you david slade, don't let us down!

p.s. what do you think made new moon suck?

demos and val on the town

dear new moon,


we went, we saw and we loved.



but here are the events that led up to that moment:



we had to get ready. and of course we did it as we blared the new moon soundtrack. (have you heard it yet? it is totally amazing. emo edward gave it 4 sad faces cuz it's totally depressing.)






gots to look good right? what if edward showed up?




here is my after pic, with ZERO curl in my hair. oh well, it had more body. you got that, it wasn't a total waste of time!



and of course we had to have "sitting around 3 hours early" snacks. which we did. a huge mountain of sour patch kids, twizzlers, swedish fish and reeses pieces. all the classics.

and what better way to wash down all that sugar, than with blood!






i srsly, saw these labels online like 6 months ago, bookmarked them and totally forgot til weds night. that is srsly how i roll.

but, i did remember and in time. even got some awesomely red vitamin water to give it the perfect effect.




we srsly had 3 hours to kill til the movie started, so demos and i decided to do a quick photo op:


yep, i was so excited and spastic that i took a pic of the floor. isn't it pretty?





here is demos, kickin' back some of the ole red.

here i am, doing my best "brooding vampire" face. i think edward would be proud of how serious i was.

and of course, here we are together. make sure to read our boobs shirts. demosthenes went through, well not a lot of trouble, but certainly some trouble to make them. so read them d*mnit!



please disregard my strange face, there was this chick practically freaking out that the theater said "men who stare at goats" and not new moon. after this pic, we reassured her it was right and to shut the hale up!


we went back in and played a few lively games of uno. but had to stop, cuz i was positive the dude behind me was throwing signals to demos to tell her what cards i had. can't trust nobody.


at this point, we still had like 2 fetching hours left. what to do? um, hi, MADLIBS!


but, i don't know where one buys madlibs, so we (and when i say we, i totally mean demos) made up our own.

so, for your entertainment, our new moon themed madlibs. please note that it was about 11:00pm at this point, both had gotten up early, didn't nap and were on a sugar and blood rush. so they may not seem so funny now, but i promise we were rollin at the time.......


One day two shoes went to Forks, WA to watch new moon. rpattz hopped next to them and offered to burp them. kstew saw the two chairs with him and jumped his rickety car.

One day alice called bella to say Peter Pan was in Forks and if she wanted to go to the signing. Bella blurrily said hale yeah! but what about Edward, didn't he want to go to Rivendale? Alice reminded bella that edward was a dirty vamp, so they linked arms and shinely left.

so to sum up the night:

5 hours sitting in a movie theater seat, $10

enough candy to make us vomit, $25

new moon flavored t-shirts, $30

watching rpattz naked chest sparkle in the sun? ORGASMIC. oh wait, i mean "priceless". ya thats the word, i'm looking for.

srsly, seeing him half naked at the end was totes m goats the best thing that happened to me in all of last week. (don't tell my husband

thanks for an awesomely fetch time,

&

it's the final countdown

dear new moon,

hot. diggity. dog. ya'll!


the blogging whores (much love supah!) are back!!


sorry for the delay.

it took longer than we thought to kidnap rpattz, smuggle him out of the country and onto our private island in south america.

now that we are back, i have to say:


"hot dang! new moon is almost here!!!"

(do you see the 3 exclamation points? i mean biz-nass.)



two weeks from now, demosthenes and i will be standing in line, with hundreds of other losers, to see this movie at midnight. and if you are lucky, you might even get to see a picture of us. wearing our totally fetch new moon t-shirts, hopped up on caffeine and mad-libs, with no doubt a look in our eyes that clearly says:


"why the h*ll are we up at midnight to watch this lame movie"


now, before i get greased and spooned for that above comment. let me clarify, do i love twilight? yes. do i think this will be an incredible movie? no. but i will love it anyways.



as we are getting closer to the movie, i have prepared a checklist so i won't forget anything;



totally awesome new moon t-shirt to represent the vampire love?

check.


some of the ole red to "pour one out for the homies" (i.e.james)?

check.


classic middle school cut downs for any team jacob or team wolf fans?

check.


practice elbow jabs to stop any 12 year old skanks that try to steal our seats?

check.


brown paper bag (needed to vomit into) when k.stew tries to "act" any feeling other than hunger, tired or horny?

check.



i think i am all ready to go.




see you in 2 weeks,

p.s. you know, whenever i hear someone say "final countdown" i can't help but think of Gob from Arrested Development.





how awesome was that show?

answer: very.

switching to team salvatore

dear vampire diaries,



i did it. i finally succumbed to the siren's song. it called to me and promised that if i followed it, i would find hot vampires and moody teens. the sirens don't lie.

i was hesitant to try this new vampire show. it seemed like a cheap knock off of twilight (turns out the books were written like 15 years ago. who knew?) and i mean come on, it airs on the CW. they are not exactly known for their high quality programming.


also, i didn't want a one mr. edward cullen to get jealous and think i was moving onto a newer (and certainly equally hot) vampire. why hello mr. salvatore. you're looking awfully hot with all your brooding and what not.

i was intrigued from the start, but i was had when she opened the door. he was there. i think i swooned.

i have kinda gotten used to stephenie meyers version of vampires, that i was kinda surprised when stefan gets thirsty, he's eyes go all red and veiny. it must be the fluorescents.

i am lovin' elena, and apparently it is possible for someone to portray a human girl, caught in a world of vampires, without incessantly blinking or constant stammering. (yeah, kstew, i'm looking at you) it got so frustrating watching bella, it's like "spit it out woman!"

and elena's annoying friend, caroline, is so much less obnoxious than bella's annoying friend, jessica.

it's boone! hot dang! he didn't die on the island!

um, yeah, you're my new favorite show!

kristen's teen choice

dear kristen,


i don't know what to say in regards to your outfit choice for the teen choice awards. are those sharp, spiky blades attached to your skirt? why yes i believe they are.

source

okay, why are there sharp spikes on your dress? are they for cuttin' all the b**ches that try to come near you? or try to get near rob? if that's the case, i'll throw on my knife skirt and meet you down there. we can protect rob together. we'll be like the skirtblade sisters.


the thing is, this could have been such a great outfit, if only you had left the spikes at home. it would have been very young hollywood. fresh and cute. but instead, it just makes me wanna shout out:


yes, we get it! you're tough. you're a bada**. you're joan effing jett!! but here's the thing, you're not joan jett. you're just a confused teenage girl with a very. very. bad mullet. (why, oh why did you let them cut your hair???)


the thing that confuses me the most is, how are you and rob gonna get it on later in that thing? i would love to see him try to manuever this. it would be quite the feat. i don't even think the jackass guys would try to attempt it. your skirt is gonna frickin skewer rob's junk! and i take issue with that because we have a dumpster date later, so i can't have you all edward scissor hands-ing the goods. come on!



to be fair, you weren't the only girl there who wore a questionable outfit.....

source

miley cyrus. miss. disney, herself wore this. looks like halloween came early this year and the good girl decided to go as the slutty nurse, the naughty librarian a whore. (you're welcome whoever said we need to talk about whores more often ;)

can you believe this chick is 16? when i was 16 i had braces, a mom haircut (you know, a haircut given by mom. in your kitchen) and wearing irregular jeans (they sell them cheap if there is something wrong with them. remember that demos? remember? good times.) and we wonder why there are so many child predators, 16 doesn't look like it used to. why wasn't chris hansen at this thing?


um, i think i may have gotten slightly off topic. k, to sum up, you're skirt is an emergency room visit waiting to happen and miley looks like a story book disney whore princess.


tell rob i'll see him later. and to ignore all notes from demos,

frailty, thy name is stephenie meyer

* this post has an effing, fetching, hilarious letter warning*

dear stephanie meyer,


i gave you fair warning last week, your time has come. wth were you thinking when you wrote out the clothing descriptions for your characters?!?! are your eyes broken? do you have sexually transmitted fugly clothes disease?

maybe i’m being too harsh, and you just don’t own any magazines that were printed after 1993. or you had to browse your high school year book for fashion inspiration. i will let LFV readers be the judge.


here is my best visual representation of your terrible fashion descriptions in twilight.

exhibit a:

edward and bella are dining out at port angeles and we get the very first description of edwards clothes. the most perfectly handsome man in the world, and you dress him in an “ivory turtleneck sweater with a light beige leather jacket”. wtf? anyone who still owns a turtleneck needs to relinquish any and all cool points awarded in my last post. (i can’t help it, i don’t make the rules)

exhibit b:

the meadow scene is one of the sweetest and most tender scenes in the whole series. and he’s dressed like chuck norris in a bad 70’s cop flick. (note to readers, in the book his shirt is actually unbuttoned down his stomach, showing off his chest too.... who does that? chester sex offender much?)

exhibit c:

and in new moon you manage to introduce a vampire tranny to young impressionable minds. i’m talking about heidi of course. she’s wearing “dark tights, the shortest of mini skirts, and a long sleeved, high necked but close fitting red vinyl shirt.” what the what? red vinyl shirt?

as in all her friends get stuck to her when they give her hugs? i couldn't even find a single picture of a red vinyl shirt when googling for this post. i found this shirt when i googled “michael jackson red leather shirt”. no sh*t, true story.

exhibit d:

in breaking dawn, alice builds bella an enormous walk in closet that is larger than her master bedroom, and what is it filled with? this:

oh stephanie, sigh. what would we do without your books? we would definitely have a lot less laughter in our lives, and we'd prolly be much more productive at work.

p.s. as always, we should mention that we absolutely LOVE you and your incredible books, just not your choice of their clothes ~valentine~

twilight is the champion!

dear mtv,

yeah, i watched your movie awards last night, i wasn't going to, because let's be honest, it's not really something that i am really into. that is, until i heard that rob, kristen and taylor would be revealing a trailer for new moon. um, hi, of course i will sit through 3 hours just to watch a 1:48 clip! fetch yeah!

so i sat through the red carpet, i don't have mtv, but x17 streamed it online, and let me tell you, the interviewer was an absolute d*ck! he totally sounded like ned ryerson from groundhog day! and he didn't recognize ashley greene and kept calling kellan, kellum! i mean sheesh dude! it's only your job to know who celebrities are and to ask intelligent questions....and you fail on both accounts.


they are absolutely adorable! srsly, why aren't these 2 together?


kristen also was on the red carpet, but didn't really stop, at least not to talk to the d*uche that i was forced to listen to, totally don't blame her!



i thought she looked really great, and while i admire her for going with something other than heels, i am not digging the chucks....


here is taylor, looking totally cute and adorable in all his 17 year old glory.





anyways, the show finally started and it was surprisingly better than i anticipated,
andy samberg hosted and did a really funny skit spoofing slumdog millionaire, twilight, the reader and star trek. must admit, loved the twilight part the best, but i may be a bit biased


and here is rob, winning best breakout male. he looks absolutely swoon worthy!!


rob, kristen and taylor to introduce to trailer!!!! *squeal with delight*



poor kristen! she not only drops her award, but also jumps to get out of the way and kinda shrieks! but she came back to finish and proudly declares " i was just about as awkward as you thought i was gonna be"

oh kristen, yes you were, but i like you a little better now because of it.


and finally, the best movie award goes to:

that's right, twilight!! holla!! slumdog millionaire can totally suck it!!

there were a few slow, awkward, boring and just uncomfortable moments (yeah, i'm looking at you keifer sutherland....) but overall i really enjoyed it and i am glad that i stayed up frickin ridiculously late for it!


we all are champions, because we saw the new moon trailer,


p.s. sorry if this letter is a little rough, a) it's really late and b) i wasn't gonna do a post about the awards, but after watching it, changed my mind.

p.p.s.- sound off! how did ya'll like rob, kristen and crew, the new moon trailer or the award show in general?