better late then never....right?

dear thieving old guy,

So apparently you walked into a seattle sears recently and gave them $100.

its to repay the $20 you stole back in the 1940s.....

apparently you conscience got to you....

60 years later....

i realize this is supposed to be a heart warming tale

an inspiring tale, that there is good in all of us. (including you)

yeah, the cynic in me is shouting:

it took you 60 effing years to get around to doing this??

has your conscience been on vacation for 60 years?

you clearly need to replace your conscience because it has been drunk at the wheel!!

sincerely,

valentine

p.s. i will acknowledge that it was nice of you to add interest on. that is something right?

twilight saga: breaking dawn

dear breaking dawn,

what can i say? i loved you. i really loved you.

everything was much better this time around.

the pacing.

the acting.

while i wasn't a huge fan of the soundtrack (how could there be no MUSE?)

i LOVED that they played the song bella and edward danced to at the prom

in twilight.

i loved that they played bella's lullaby.

i loved the toasts at the reception, this is why the humans need to be

in each movie, their humanity is relatable.

i was happy with isle esme

and not grossed out by the delivery.

i loved the stephenie meyer made a cameo at the wedding.

i loved how gaunt and deathly they made bella.

by the way, kristen stewart may not be a great actress,

but she plays dead very well.

i could have done without the wolves (not a fan)

but since they had to be in there, i thought they were fine.

and how absolutely adorable was that baby???

and i LOVED ending it on bella's eyes!

AGGH! 356 more days until PART 2!!!!

p.s. i LOVED the hunger games trailer that played before

the movie. I guess that will have to get me through

until next november!!!

postcards

when things go wang. i mean *wrong*.

dear damn you autocorrect,



you are my new favorite

kill time at work website.

why?

check out these iphone autocorrects

*warning, while these are totally hilarious, they may be construed as offensive.

so if you offend easily, you are at the wrong blog and should leave.*























see what i mean? high-larious,

embarrassing food

there are some foods out there

that i get embarrassed when i order

or buy them.


like funyuns.

hot dang! do i love me some funyuns.

they are delicious

and is my preferred snack of choice.

unfortunately,

they are also the preferred snack

of the pot adled minds of the losers who live in their moms basement.

everytime i buy funyuns,

i feel like people look at me

like i am high, or am about to get high.


another one.

fish tacos.

i feel like a dirty frat bro

whenever i order them.

always.


what foods embarrass you?

why it sucked

dear eclipse,


so lady tremaine and i saw you together last week.


and you didn't think we'd treat you any different than

new moon

or

twilight?


good. cuz we're not gonna.


1. actor switch

so lady tremaine and i agreed that riley totally should of

been cast as bella.



i mean, he acted the shiz out of the burning scene.

and they already had a wig.

done. and done.


2. the coordinated cullens




Val: what, did alice coordinate their fight clothes?

Demos: yeah, i can see her saying:

" this is very important to me emmett. i can't fight if we don't match"


3. fancy demetri


what is demetri doing in this scene?

i imagine the convo went something like this:

david slade: k, in this next scene try to act aloof. got it?

demetri: k, got it.

david: action! wait! Cut! Cut!

demetri: what?

david: i said be aloof! not a doof!



4. exercise classy


what is edward wearing? is that a sweater with track pants?

yeah, i think it is.

looks like he is trying to be his towns ron burgundy

"exercise classy, forks!"



5. the sometimes accent


oh my goodness.

bless jaspers little southern heart for really trying to sell that accent.

but just like the ending of new moon, it was laid on a bit too thick.

its like we get it!

You're Southern!

not only that, but i think carlisle got jealous of jaspers special elocution lessons and

decided to get in on the fun,

cuz he was fake accenting right along side with him.





in all fairness, this really should have been titled "why it rocked" .

this really was the best of the series so far, and we really had to dig deep into the barrel to find

stuff to make fun of.

but making fun is funner.

so we did that.


but surprisingly k.stew didn't give me a seizure with her incessant blinking and stuttering.


my mind didn't wander off when the wolves or jacob were on screen.


i loved the eclipse logo at the beginning of the movie.


and the soundtrack totally kick asphalt.

i have been listening to it non stop. still.


and the best part is that we are now this much closer to


BREAKING DAWN!!

summer beauty

dear sephora,



did you hear about our giftcard giveaway?


you have so many incredible products, it is so hard to narrow it down.



what about:



some bronzer?

to give your face that shimmery glow of summertime?

or lip gloss?



to make your lips all purdy and pouty

(i have this in sugar.)







what about nail polish?







in a hot summer color?

so hurry on over to the giveaway, and don't forget to tell your friends!

what would you spend your $40 on?




p.s. you have to scroll down to the bottom of that post to read up on the giveaway!

sharing time

dear LFV readers,


so i tend to not share much about myself, i guess i figure i am not that interesting, but i have started to realize that my favorite blogs are always the ones where they share and you feel like you actually know them.

so yeah, i am basically saying that i want you to like me

so, i'll share.


hi. i'm valentine.

i am 27

i was born in texas

i only lived there for 4 years before we moved

so, no, i am NOT a texas girl


from a large family

i am #7 out of 8

demosthenes is of course #8

i have 3 brothers and 4 sisters



i did pretty good in high school, got a couple of nursing scholarships

turned out i hated nursing.

lost the scholarship



dropped out of school

who needs it right?

turns out i do!


got a job as a front desk receptionist

turns out i don't like people


notice there is a job that does not involve talking to people

i take it.

i am good at it.

so good that this past february i sat for my certification exam

i passed.

i am now a certified medical coder

working towards becoming a medical auditor.



i am married.

have been for 7 years



i have lived in

Texas

Kentucky

Idaho

Alaska

Illinois

and now

Utah.



i love britney.


like probably more than i should.

i blame it on me being a freshman in high school when she came out

it was a very influential time in my life

i can't be held responsible.



i LOVE mexican food.

and ice.

i LOVE ice.

love british tv

dexter

and pysch




I also love musicals

war movies

and anything jane austen

or jane austen-esque


i love celebrity gossip

and totally RULE

at remembering obscure actors

in obscure shows.

for some reason,

the husband is less than impressed.


i don't like wearing flip flops.

they feel unnatural

my toes don't like being seperated, they are a set.


something interesting about me:

i am tongue tied.

i have tried to have it fixed

twice

but no luck.


so that is valentine. more or less.



it was more than you probably wanted to know



p.s. if you made it down this far, then you are truly awesome and deserve the prize that is hidden behind door #1.

we have been talking about this giveaway forever

just hemming and hawing over it.

but we are finally doing it.

we are giving away a $40 giftcard to


i know in the past we had less than traditional rules for winning a giveaway

but it is late, and i can't think of anything awesome for you guys to do to win

so, we'll go with traditional.

1 entry for just commenting that you want to be entered

1 entry if you blog about the giveaway

1 entry if you tweet about it

1 entry if you become our friend on facebook
(who says you can't buy friendship??)

1 entry if you tell a friend about letters from valentine

and of course, put each one in as a seperate comment.

this will be open until july 3

and i'll announce the winner

on monday, july 5

miles of stiles

dear julia stiles,


so i just read that you are going to be on this next season

of dexter


which suddenly takes your cool factor up by 10 points.


demos and i were discussing this news and it dawned us


where the eff have you been?


i feel like we should be playing



listen up gumshoes


okay, srsly, how awesome was that show?


answer: fetching


i always loved it when the kid struggled to identify the different states on the giant map at the

end of the show


"dude, you live in america!"


k, where was i?


ah, yes where you have been.


i mean i could easily google or imdb you


and find out what you have been up to


but that sounds like work.


wherever you were, i hope you did some serious penance

for that "movie"

save the last dance


don't get me wrong,


i loved it when it came out


but i was also 17


and like every other teenager,


i only had a half functioning brain.


either way, you doing a dark, gritty and completely compelling


show like dexter


will erase my vision of you in


in that ugly sweater and overalls.


yep, thats the one









p.s Letters from Valentine is now on facebook

stop by. be our friend.

The Birds

dear obnoxious birds that wake me up every effing day at 5 AM,


don't worry, the day of payback is coming.


and coming soon.


you just might wake up one morning to a surprise homemade bird feeder




but instead of a yummy peanut butter treat,


it'll be avicide.


and i will get peaceful silence.


enjoy.





p.s. k, so while i am only half kidding about the killing the birds thing, why is it such a crazy idea?


how are they any different from other rodents or pests?


they carry disease just like any other animal.


cuz they are cute?

nope. they're not.


people have them as pets?

people have mice, and rats and snakes as pets


they are intelligent?

no, they fly into closed windows


case closed.

Random Funny

dear LFV readers who have not totally given up on us,




wow, things have been kinda crazy and we have slacked off.


completely.


i started a new job a couple of weeks ago


and


i am now a federal employee


HOLLA!


so, my brain has been totally frazzled


trying to learn a new job,



driving an extra 2 hours a day



and



getting up 2 hours earlier



needless to say, i have not been feelin the funny.



Especially since i have been flying solo.


SUMMER
(i.e. wedding season)


is demo's busiest time of year


so i don't even expect to talk to her til sept!


but like stella, i'm am slowly


starting to get my groove back.


k, so i am not big into forwards.


like, not at all.


if i wanted to see animals dressed like people


i'd pick up one of the wondering dogs outside of chinese restaurants,


bring it home and do it myself.



but against my better judgement, i read this one, and it made me laugh.

like really laugh.


so i'd thought i'd share it




to maintain a healthy level of insanity:



1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!


3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.


4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.


5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.


6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.


7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.


8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.


9. Sing Along At The Opera.


10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.


11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream Won! I Won!'


12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'


13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'



And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity



14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.



totally slacking,

ninjas, gymnasts and fonzie

dear LFV readers,

i am very slow on the whole "whats cool right now in viral vids"


which is why i am posting this absolutely high-larious video


almost a year after it has come out.


my only hope is that you have not seen it,


and i will considered cool again










have a fetch friday,

p.s. we are getting closer to our total awesome giveaway, we promise we have not forgotten!

giveaway,one year and surfboards

dear LFV readers,


according to our calculations (and blogger) one year ago today, was the very first post of letters from valentine!!



we can't believe how quickly a year has gone by and well,


it kinda snuck (sneaked?) up on us and to celebrate this auspicious occasion we are gonna do a giveaway.


and since we are so awesome, you know the giveaway will be pretty awesome too.

and will probably involve you answering a question about a hypothetical situation revolving around some fictional characters.


so don't forget to stop back soon for that!



we really want to thank you all for a great year, you guys are trying fetch!


so, since today is our first birthday, we decided that the only way to truly celebrate it is with a



what. the. fetch.


moment.


enjoy.



so according to the new york post disney is doing some extra casting for the new pirates of the caribbean movie.


apparently they are tired of looking at super flat surfboard kiera knightley and sent out this casting call:


""beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants."



and just to make sure that they don't let in any falsies,



"potential lassies will have to undergo a
Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges."


um, what. the. fetch?



are we sure this isn't really a casting call for


privates of the caribbean?


"hello there captain jack sparrow, want to see my black pearl?"




happy one year everyone!!!


&


(ps, we just realized (and by "we" i mean valentine) that the comments were off! oops! d*mn you blogger!! they're back on now!)

strange baby names

dear future parents,

i know that naming your child can be a long and frustrating time (k, i don't really know cuz, i don't have kids, but whatevs)



everyone giving their opinions, suggesting names, telling you that there is no pressure, but if you wanted, you could name your baby, after them.

but as someone who works in a field, that sees a lot of new baby names, i am here to help guide you with a list of names i suggest you NOT use:



Kindyl

k, so you lurve your new electronic reading device, great, but don't name your kid after it.



Trashod

so, i think the parent thinks that this spells "trey-shod" they would be wrong. but either way, whenever your kid has the world trash in their name, you are headed the wrong way on the baby naming road.


Khyron

this is sooo a robot name. and i have no doubt that this guy is gonna grow up to be the
Khyron 3000, domestic robot, and make his master proud.


Mysteri

guess what? mystery is already not an unusual name, you don't have to go and make it even more unusual by changing the 'y' to an 'i'


Porsche Mary

so, they gave her a white trashy first name, but to help her to be respectable, they gave her the most boring middle name ever! i am so naming my kid cougar fred.


La-A

what. the. fetch. kind of name is that? oh its supposed to be pronounced "La dash A"? in what world is this a name? i'm sure she won't spend her entire life correcting people and cursing her parents for giving her such a stupid moniker


Valaria

how is this not the generic drug name of valtrex?

"ah man, my peeps is totally burning, i need to take some valaria right away!"


Strawsee

i got nothin'.




again, this is just my opinion, you may totally love one or all of these names and are putting them down on your list. but just be fair warned, if you pick one of these names, i will make fun of you.







p.s. what strange names have you seen?

Valentine Visit

*** I wrote this post before Valentine's Day, but totally forgot to post it. I know the day has passed, but decided to go ahead and post it anyways!***

dear lovely children,


i know your aunty demosthenes and i have not been around lately. we were going to stop by for christmas, but what can i say? your parents phoned and told us you had been bad and to not bring any more silly presents for you.


well, they clearly don't know us very well, cuz how could we pass up all the lovely love goodies that we found?


love is certainly hard to find, but with this love gun, it just got a little easier. love with literally be in the air. just load up the love gun with one of the tiny cupids and aim it at the girl or boy of your dreams, and they will be yours.

*disclaimer*

we do not guarantee love will occur: bad hygiene, annoying laughs and weird habits must be factored in.

once you've got the girl, guy, person of your dreams, now what? from what i have seen, you can expect constant arguments of why he didn't compliment her new shirt to why she is always calling.

relationships are hard to maintain. but never fear, we've got your back baby ( i have a perpetual love/hate with eric from twilight for introducing that line into my vocabulary)

the love notes ball is here to help when you want to whisper sweet nothings into someones ear, and you can't think any nothings. just shake and look into the heart shaped window for 20 love messages.




and we didn't forget about all you losers single people, if you didn't find love this valentine's day, we have something for you as well:

your very own voodoo doll!

use this 9 inch doll to punish those who have may have wronged you, like that guy who you met at a party and you seemed to hit it off and he said he'd call you, but he never did, or you know, someone else.

stick a pin in the desired area to cause unfortunate events such as, a wine stain, insomnia or a hangnail.


*disclaimer*

please use your new found super powers in a responsible way.

and as always, we didn't forget about your parents:

How to Make Love: Secrets of Wooing from the 1930s. Follow this handy booklet and after 6 months before you know it, you'll be walking her home from church and holding hands on her parents front porch.



my my look at the time, we had better be off. but remember, if you are good, your aunties will be back and with some more awesomely sweet goodies!


aunty

master of karate and friendship

dear blogosphere,

ever since letters from valentine was a baby blog


(yes, we are coming up on a year, not so baby anymore are we!)


i have been intrigued and fascinated by the awards that get spread around the blogosphere.


and ever since i found out that anyone can make one


(that you didn't have to put in your award petition by filling out 7 request forms, in triplicate, sending in $20 for processing fees and submit them to some sort of blog award sub committee that will make their decision and notify you in 2-10 weeks)


i decided to make one of my own.



k, so that was months ago.



but i guess better late than never.



letters from valentine is proud to present the:







totally fetch right?

it is of course from the brilliance that is


it's always sunny in philadelphia


if you don't like that show, leave now. srsly, cuz i don't know if we can still be friends.


anyways, this award is all about recognizing friendships that have been made while blogging.


so, the rules to this absolutely awesome award is:



list 6 things that you are a master in


and pass it onto 6 bloggers that you think are masters at friendship and make blogging so awesome.






1. i am a master in sleeping.

srsly, i could sleep for 12 hours, get up, eat breakfast and go back to sleep.


2. i am a master in quoting lines from movies or tv.

i don't think i say an original thing all day long, i just quote stuff.


3. i am a master of procrastinating

despite wanting to do something right away, i am physically unable to


4. i am a master at multi tasking

since i procrastinate, i usually have to do a couple things at a time. i have gotten good at it. very good.


5. i am a master at googling.

it's all about the keywords.


6 i am a master at shopping sales.

i love a great deal. and i really love 50% off clearance. i feel a mighty hunter. and the sweet deals are my kill.


and i am passing this award onto:


supah mommy


cottage cheese thighs


hotpants


amy at happily ever after


living in france


whitney at the king and i




you know, if hollywood had an award as awesome as this one, i might be more interested in watching boring award shows.

when demos and i have too much time on our hands....

dear readers,


awhile back demosthenes and myself did a guest post over at another blog. since some of you might have missed it, decided to repost it here.


warning, this is hilariously dirty!


for those of you who know us, of course we are gonna be ourselves. and let's be honest, we think you prefer us that way. the following are a couple convo's that we have had. can you believe that this started out as an email discussion about a badly translated italian fan letter? and some how the jonas brothers, rpattz chest hair (we like to call it a chest mane) and saute pans got dragged in, then pureed in the food processor that is our brains and reconfigured until we were discussing "fella" names. yeah, that sounds about right.

Demosthenes: .........rob pattinson wouldn't call "his fella" mr. peeps, he'd go for something like big bronco


Valentine: since rob is british, he'd totally go for a formal name. like mr. wickham, handsome, devilish and loves the ladies.


demosthenes: i don't see him naming it something formal, he'd need an ego booster, like The Rhinocerus. what would emmett, from twilight, name it?


valentine: i still love calling it his mr wickham, and when we meet behind the dumpsters, i will say "k, where's johnny wickham"

calling someone's "fella" a rhinocerus is like calling it a giraffe! its kinda weird. and not hot. hmmm....what would emmett call it? the jackhammer? the bear?


demos: okay, i can see that with the giraffe (really, who says that?) but a rhino? come on, that's a beast!!! emmett would call it the jackhammer!! LOL thats perfect for him! and jasper (cullen, from twilight) would call it captain enormous, or something with rank.


val: jasper would go with a ranked name. something like general privates or captain copious, master (sgt) magnificient. these are starting to sound like super hero names.....super hero names that are fetching awesome.


demos: general private! that made me snicker, lol. and carlisle (cullen) would call it Dr Littleton


val: i don't know of many men that would want the word "little" in their peeps name...


demos: can't you see it? carlisle says to esme "did someone page Dr Littleton?" hahahaha, i am laughing as i write this!


val: oh my goodness! can you imagine if carlise had a sex pager? lol that esme would use when she was feeling the need, the need for carlisle's seed. and he would totally show up like in a bad porn.and be like


carlisle: "did someone page dr littleton?"
esme: " yes, i did. i need some of your venom"






demos: how the heck did we start talking about what fictional characters would name their wang?


val: i have NO idea!

* a couple of days later*

demos: mr darcy (pride and prejudice) would totes call his "the gentleman".
"alright ladies, here comes the gentleman!" he would practice his fencing with it in the mirror, lol. "nice play, gentleman, nice play"







demos: heres another one: harry potter would call his the "firebolt" LOL. "line up girls, the firebolt will take you on the ride of your life"



val: oh man, you are on fire! snape (harry potter) would call his the "potion stirrer", hagrid would go off to "tame his dragon" and dumbledore would go off to "make a deposit" in his pensive. oh, was that too far? should i not have dragged dumbledore into this?? lol


d: oh dang, dumbledore! LOL. you know me, nothing is too far! he'd arrive to an appointment with mcgonagall and have spooge stuck in his beard.

mcgonagall : "um professor... you have a little... yes in your beard"

dumbledore: "oh so sorry minerva dear. i do try to be careful but this beard is just so d*mn long!"

harry: "wanna ride my firebolt hermione?"






v: i am dying! that part with dumbledore and mcgonagall, so disgusting and hilarious!


d: ron would want something that sounds tough like "the mighty hypogriff"


v: i think han solo would call it "his wookie" as in he always lets his wookie win.


d: han would make fun of luke by calling his an ewok when they're at the urinal together.

d:richard cypher (legend of the seeker) would call his "the dagger of truth."

"hey kahlan, i have this awesome dagger in my pocket. wanna see?"

don't act like you all weren't thinking this stuff too! we're just the ones with the guts to say it out loud (and then publish it on the interwebs for everyone to see)


&