the dollar tree?

dear dollar tree,

i just found out you sell nail polish.

look at this color......

i'm in love.

better late then never....right?

dear thieving old guy,

So apparently you walked into a seattle sears recently and gave them $100.

its to repay the $20 you stole back in the 1940s.....

apparently you conscience got to you....

60 years later....

i realize this is supposed to be a heart warming tale

an inspiring tale, that there is good in all of us. (including you)

yeah, the cynic in me is shouting:

it took you 60 effing years to get around to doing this??

has your conscience been on vacation for 60 years?

you clearly need to replace your conscience because it has been drunk at the wheel!!

sincerely,

valentine

p.s. i will acknowledge that it was nice of you to add interest on. that is something right?

hollywood roundup

dear hollywood,


its that time again to roundup all the stuff you might have missed this week

in the what the hey-hey moment of the week

kimberly stewart (rod stewarts daughter) and benicio del toro (the puerto rican brad pitt) are having a baby. wait were they together? apparently long enough to procreate.

i envision love at first sight, benicio spotting kim from across the room, their eyes meeting and sparks flying.....

that or it was a drunken party, benicio stumbling into the ladies bathroom, then stumbling into and out of a very drunk k.stew a couple of times and bam! isn't the miracle of life wonderful?




so bono's charity "ONE" has come under scrutiny when it was revealed that only a little over 1% of donations actually go to poor, hungry people.


the rest of it went to these people, the "ONE" staff.

in all fairness, it isn't cheap hiring people to brainstorm creative and fun ways to not provide food to hungry people. helping people ain't free. what is this a charity? oh wait......

and of course a few pregnancies were announced.


snore.


don't people realize that not having a baby is the new having a baby??




tori spelling and liam mcdermott (am i the only one who isn't sure why this dude is famous?) are having a third child




tina fey is having a second baby because of peer pressure. apparently her daughter is the only child at school who is the only child....

score one for hollywood for procreating for great reasons

i kid. i like tina.

but srsly, just say no to babies.





emily deschanel and david hornsby are having a baby. can i just say score to rickety cricket for getting such a hot wife!

katniss

dear jennifer lawrence,


so it isn't news that you have been cast as katniss in the hunger games movie. i was hesitant when i found out, you certainly didn't look the part, but as we all know, just because you look like the character, doesn't mean you can play the part right, or even act (*cough* kristen stewart)

a lot of the HG fan forums said that i would feel different after i saw you in "winter's bone". so i watched it. and while i am not a huge fan of this movie, (or your constant montone, too many flash backs of bella), but there were certain aspects of it made me realize you should be able to pull it off playing katniss.

in fact, there were A LOT of similarities between the 2 stories



a poor small town that is dreary and gray all the time? check

a mother that is so depressed she is in a comatose state? check

having to grow up too soon to care for your family? check

able to hunt, kill and clean an animal? check



the only reason difference in the 2 were the fathers of the main characters......


that and the whole televised children killing each other thing.


i guess what i am saying is, after seeing you in winters bone,

i am a little more excited for next march when Hunger Games comes out.


now i just have to get over who they cast as peeta....

why it sucked

dear eclipse,


so lady tremaine and i saw you together last week.


and you didn't think we'd treat you any different than

new moon

or

twilight?


good. cuz we're not gonna.


1. actor switch

so lady tremaine and i agreed that riley totally should of

been cast as bella.



i mean, he acted the shiz out of the burning scene.

and they already had a wig.

done. and done.


2. the coordinated cullens




Val: what, did alice coordinate their fight clothes?

Demos: yeah, i can see her saying:

" this is very important to me emmett. i can't fight if we don't match"


3. fancy demetri


what is demetri doing in this scene?

i imagine the convo went something like this:

david slade: k, in this next scene try to act aloof. got it?

demetri: k, got it.

david: action! wait! Cut! Cut!

demetri: what?

david: i said be aloof! not a doof!



4. exercise classy


what is edward wearing? is that a sweater with track pants?

yeah, i think it is.

looks like he is trying to be his towns ron burgundy

"exercise classy, forks!"



5. the sometimes accent


oh my goodness.

bless jaspers little southern heart for really trying to sell that accent.

but just like the ending of new moon, it was laid on a bit too thick.

its like we get it!

You're Southern!

not only that, but i think carlisle got jealous of jaspers special elocution lessons and

decided to get in on the fun,

cuz he was fake accenting right along side with him.





in all fairness, this really should have been titled "why it rocked" .

this really was the best of the series so far, and we really had to dig deep into the barrel to find

stuff to make fun of.

but making fun is funner.

so we did that.


but surprisingly k.stew didn't give me a seizure with her incessant blinking and stuttering.


my mind didn't wander off when the wolves or jacob were on screen.


i loved the eclipse logo at the beginning of the movie.


and the soundtrack totally kick asphalt.

i have been listening to it non stop. still.


and the best part is that we are now this much closer to


BREAKING DAWN!!

the end of a party

dear starz,


i just heard that you have decided to cancel the quirky, but incredbily hilarious

party down.

this was one of the whity-est and cleverest shows on tv.

you srsly suck.

but to soften the blow, i just found out my favorite guyliner lostie,
richard alpert

(nestor carbonell )

will be joining another of my favoritest shows

he is supposed to have a couple episode arc throughout the season

which starts july 14! i will definitely be watching.

i have missed my favorite psychic detective and sidekick

p.s. don't forget about the sephora giftcard giveaway!

sharing time

dear LFV readers,


so i tend to not share much about myself, i guess i figure i am not that interesting, but i have started to realize that my favorite blogs are always the ones where they share and you feel like you actually know them.

so yeah, i am basically saying that i want you to like me

so, i'll share.


hi. i'm valentine.

i am 27

i was born in texas

i only lived there for 4 years before we moved

so, no, i am NOT a texas girl


from a large family

i am #7 out of 8

demosthenes is of course #8

i have 3 brothers and 4 sisters



i did pretty good in high school, got a couple of nursing scholarships

turned out i hated nursing.

lost the scholarship



dropped out of school

who needs it right?

turns out i do!


got a job as a front desk receptionist

turns out i don't like people


notice there is a job that does not involve talking to people

i take it.

i am good at it.

so good that this past february i sat for my certification exam

i passed.

i am now a certified medical coder

working towards becoming a medical auditor.



i am married.

have been for 7 years



i have lived in

Texas

Kentucky

Idaho

Alaska

Illinois

and now

Utah.



i love britney.


like probably more than i should.

i blame it on me being a freshman in high school when she came out

it was a very influential time in my life

i can't be held responsible.



i LOVE mexican food.

and ice.

i LOVE ice.

love british tv

dexter

and pysch




I also love musicals

war movies

and anything jane austen

or jane austen-esque


i love celebrity gossip

and totally RULE

at remembering obscure actors

in obscure shows.

for some reason,

the husband is less than impressed.


i don't like wearing flip flops.

they feel unnatural

my toes don't like being seperated, they are a set.


something interesting about me:

i am tongue tied.

i have tried to have it fixed

twice

but no luck.


so that is valentine. more or less.



it was more than you probably wanted to know



p.s. if you made it down this far, then you are truly awesome and deserve the prize that is hidden behind door #1.

we have been talking about this giveaway forever

just hemming and hawing over it.

but we are finally doing it.

we are giving away a $40 giftcard to


i know in the past we had less than traditional rules for winning a giveaway

but it is late, and i can't think of anything awesome for you guys to do to win

so, we'll go with traditional.

1 entry for just commenting that you want to be entered

1 entry if you blog about the giveaway

1 entry if you tweet about it

1 entry if you become our friend on facebook
(who says you can't buy friendship??)

1 entry if you tell a friend about letters from valentine

and of course, put each one in as a seperate comment.

this will be open until july 3

and i'll announce the winner

on monday, july 5

just because you can......

dear 66 year old woman who just gave birth to triplets,

so apparently on may 29 you gave birth to triplets, and became, possibly, the oldest woman ever

to do so.

i realize this is a miracle, a scientific breakthrough

but i think this is a case of just because science can

doesn't mean that you should.

concerned for your children who won't have a mother for long,




p.s. that pic isn't of the actual mother, its just a funny pic i found.

Matthews new Muse

Dear Matthew Bellamy,
(lead singer/guitarist for the band Muse)

over the weekend

you were spotted in paris

with kate hudson.

this is a travesty




i am of course referring to your pants.


i am not big in celebrity crushes or anything

but if you remember

when i picked a hollywood someone to go on a

pretend date with

i didn't pick rob

even though that new hair cut is really doing it for me


or eric



or ryan


he's hot. but can't act.




no.

i picked you.


and while i realize you were engaged like 6 months ago,


that didn't bother me.


shes was some no one,who we never saw and so it made keeping the dream alive, a little easier.


also, you were always a lay low kinda celeb, i only saw the most random pic of you


in the daily mail


now, if you are with kate hudson, not only will be seeing her everywhere
(making the illusion of your singledom harder)


but we will also be seeing you everywhere.


ruining the allure of your mysterious ways.



badly done matthew, badly done.***





***p.s. 10 awesome points to anyone who can name the movie
that line is from.

miles of stiles

dear julia stiles,


so i just read that you are going to be on this next season

of dexter


which suddenly takes your cool factor up by 10 points.


demos and i were discussing this news and it dawned us


where the eff have you been?


i feel like we should be playing



listen up gumshoes


okay, srsly, how awesome was that show?


answer: fetching


i always loved it when the kid struggled to identify the different states on the giant map at the

end of the show


"dude, you live in america!"


k, where was i?


ah, yes where you have been.


i mean i could easily google or imdb you


and find out what you have been up to


but that sounds like work.


wherever you were, i hope you did some serious penance

for that "movie"

save the last dance


don't get me wrong,


i loved it when it came out


but i was also 17


and like every other teenager,


i only had a half functioning brain.


either way, you doing a dark, gritty and completely compelling


show like dexter


will erase my vision of you in


in that ugly sweater and overalls.


yep, thats the one









p.s Letters from Valentine is now on facebook

stop by. be our friend.

The Birds

dear obnoxious birds that wake me up every effing day at 5 AM,


don't worry, the day of payback is coming.


and coming soon.


you just might wake up one morning to a surprise homemade bird feeder




but instead of a yummy peanut butter treat,


it'll be avicide.


and i will get peaceful silence.


enjoy.





p.s. k, so while i am only half kidding about the killing the birds thing, why is it such a crazy idea?


how are they any different from other rodents or pests?


they carry disease just like any other animal.


cuz they are cute?

nope. they're not.


people have them as pets?

people have mice, and rats and snakes as pets


they are intelligent?

no, they fly into closed windows


case closed.

the end of the seeker

dear legend of the seeker,

i heard last week that your awesomely, boob-erific, cheesy show


(that is so lame it is fetch)


will be no more.


while i am not entirely surprised, i am very sad.


and decided to pay tribute in the only way i know how


a homage:

good bye

sexy abs in tight leather pants



good bye

bad a** knife wielding chick with boobs always out



good bye

s&m dominatrix with weapons that are clearly vibrators



good bye

crazy old wizard who only throws kick asphalt wizards fire when it is convenient to the plot


good bye

disney aladdin/genie like villian who never seems to be able to kill the seeker, despite trying each week



good bye

magic amulets, that there was always an abundance of

and were the key to saving towns

(srsly who keeps making all these amulets???)




you have provided demos and i countless hours of discussing your often confusing, but awesomely awesome show


you will be missed,

strange baby names

dear future parents,

i know that naming your child can be a long and frustrating time (k, i don't really know cuz, i don't have kids, but whatevs)



everyone giving their opinions, suggesting names, telling you that there is no pressure, but if you wanted, you could name your baby, after them.

but as someone who works in a field, that sees a lot of new baby names, i am here to help guide you with a list of names i suggest you NOT use:



Kindyl

k, so you lurve your new electronic reading device, great, but don't name your kid after it.



Trashod

so, i think the parent thinks that this spells "trey-shod" they would be wrong. but either way, whenever your kid has the world trash in their name, you are headed the wrong way on the baby naming road.


Khyron

this is sooo a robot name. and i have no doubt that this guy is gonna grow up to be the
Khyron 3000, domestic robot, and make his master proud.


Mysteri

guess what? mystery is already not an unusual name, you don't have to go and make it even more unusual by changing the 'y' to an 'i'


Porsche Mary

so, they gave her a white trashy first name, but to help her to be respectable, they gave her the most boring middle name ever! i am so naming my kid cougar fred.


La-A

what. the. fetch. kind of name is that? oh its supposed to be pronounced "La dash A"? in what world is this a name? i'm sure she won't spend her entire life correcting people and cursing her parents for giving her such a stupid moniker


Valaria

how is this not the generic drug name of valtrex?

"ah man, my peeps is totally burning, i need to take some valaria right away!"


Strawsee

i got nothin'.




again, this is just my opinion, you may totally love one or all of these names and are putting them down on your list. but just be fair warned, if you pick one of these names, i will make fun of you.







p.s. what strange names have you seen?

team lame

dear company that i work for,


so this year for christmas, you decided to gift your employees with hoodies. hoodies that not only have our department name on them, but also our logo on the back......


while many of my coworkers find them cool (clearly they are lame) they make me feel like i am a

mathlete .

or part of the chess club

like a group of nerds that get together and feel jealous that the football team has jackets, so why can't we?


"take that socially popular football players!!"


so fine, we have them. whatever. but everyone (minus me) wears them while at work. while that wouldn't be too bad, everyone wears them with the hoods on and they are black jackets......


great. now we look like some crazed cult or even better. the uni bomber.



but they are warm. and my office is fetching cold. so i will wear it. sometimes. begrudingly.


but if someone suggests we all get our names embroidered on them, i'm out!

win a date with matthew bellamy

*** Edited to add, this is Matthew Bellamy. He is the lead guitarist/singer of the band Muse, who totally kick asphalt***

dear matthew,

you know how celebs are always offering to have lunch with winners from contests and such. i'd totally love to win a day (or night, cuz i'm guessing you're not really a morning day person) with you.

and i imagine that this is how it'd go down. yes, hold on for some totally fetch valentine theater!!!

you arrive an hour late. i was left waiting on the corner of hooker and druggy. not cool!

once your finally arrive, you mumble something unintelligible about a fight with a dolphin and a life long ban from sea world.

i ask where we're going to lunch. this being my first time in LA i am hoping for some awesome exclusive place i read in my celeb mags.

your answer, fuddruckers


you love the name. it makes you giggle everytime.

on the way, we pass an FYE. you yell at the driver to stop. next thing i know you have gotten into a fight with a walker texas ranger chuck norris cut out. he was starring you down and he has been asking for it for awhile. we get kicked out of the FYE, but not before you totally kick his a**

you tell me a joke about this guy that walks into a gas station, asks for some cigs, the gas station dude is all rude and stuff and the first fuy punches him in the ear. oh wait, that wasn't a joke, it's what you did last wednesday.

as we head to a club, we pass a post office, you start shouting out


"THEY WILL NOT FORCE US!
THEY WILL NOT CONTROL US!
WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!"

and torch the place.

okay........that was weird. but i decide to go along with it cuz the postal lady is always up in my face about me not marking out the logos from my preused boxs.

this is some total bad a**-ery.

we go back to your place, you start to serenade me with endlessly (the hottest song ever) but only get halfway through it before you puke. a little gets on my shoes. i'm pissed.

you move in to get things started, but as you start to lean in, you pass out and land pretty hard on the floor. i get up and leave. it's fine, i wasn't planning on doing anything with you anyways. i am a loyal kinda gal.


i picked you for my celeb "lunch" cuz i'd get a totally awesome story to tell for the rest of my life without the inevitable walk of shame the next mornin'



rock on matthew, rock on!

p.s. who would be your celebrity that you'd have "lunch" with.....

wonderful christmas time

dear christmas,


i am tired of your songs. i know, you're probably thinking, 'how is that possible? it's only dec 1!' well, here in the wonderful land of utah, we have a radio station that believes it is its job to kill christmas before it even starts. they have been playing your songs for almost a month now.

to be fair, when i say i am tired of the songs, not all of them. of course i have my favorites, but there are those handful that if i hear it again, i srsly might have some sort of screaming fit. (something reminiscent of bella's bad dreams in new moon)


santa baby

i really can't stand this song. never mind that whoever sings it, sings it like a demented betty boop. but i associate it with christmas parties as a child where no doubt, a couple of single, slightly off cat ladies would get up and sing it. i guess in hopes that father christmas puts a man under her tree.


the christmas shoes

i don't care if you think i am a heartless bastard. i hate this song. what the eff is it even about? children who don't have shoes? children who want to buy shoes? i don't get it. plus, i srsly dislike anything, ANYTHING that tries to play off my emotions and pulls at my heart strings. (side note: what does that expression even mean? how is that not the creepiest visual ever, that your heart has strings. total grossness.)


washed up "pop star" remakes

why does every pop star (and yes, i use that term very. very loosely) feel the need to take an already wonderful song and put "their own spin" on it, i.e. make it crappier. why do they always seem to be warbling it in? you are not whitney houston. stop trying. i am sorry that your sad career is drying up and your sales are slumping, but that is no reason to ruin christmas.

but to balance this out and so you don't think i am some sort of scrooge, i do have my favorites as well.


i want a hippopotamus for christmas

srsly, what an incredibly strange and totally awesome christmas song. and is it sung by a midget woman? those are some srs pipes on that girl. see, another reason why i love this song. no one sings like this anymore. and what the h*ll is a hippo hero?


a wonderful christmas time

i am not a big paul mccartney fan, but i love this song. okay, i love the video to this song. him and his friends running around in very, very fake snow. it's simple. its easy to sing along with. totally love it.


last christmas

okay, i also love this one cuz of the vid. a totally cheesy love/christmas song while on a skiing holiday. does it get better than that?


feliz navidad

i have fond memories of this song. each year, my parents would load all of us kids in the van and we'd drive around looking at christmas lights. no doubt, each year, this song would be playing on the radio. we would sing it so loud, we were practically shouting. ah, good times.






p.s. speak out- which christmas songs do you love? which ones do you hate?

we interrupt......

dear LFV readers,


demosthenes is in town! yep, flew in, special delivery for new moon.



so, i won't be here. again.


but can you blame me? if your sister, who is super awesome and cool, came to visit, wouldn't you skeez out while she was here?


i knew you'd understand.


i'll be back on friday......maybe saturday. depends on how wild we get on opening night.


and will def. have pics to post (but no spoilers. promise. double pinky swear) of our fun night.


will also be on the hunt for the most supes lame twi fan that night. hint, i think it might be us!!



rockin it sister style,

p.s. i just noticed that i had the comments turned off. why does that keep happening???