hollywood roundup

dear hollywood,


its that time again to roundup all the stuff you might have missed this week

in the what the hey-hey moment of the week

kimberly stewart (rod stewarts daughter) and benicio del toro (the puerto rican brad pitt) are having a baby. wait were they together? apparently long enough to procreate.

i envision love at first sight, benicio spotting kim from across the room, their eyes meeting and sparks flying.....

that or it was a drunken party, benicio stumbling into the ladies bathroom, then stumbling into and out of a very drunk k.stew a couple of times and bam! isn't the miracle of life wonderful?




so bono's charity "ONE" has come under scrutiny when it was revealed that only a little over 1% of donations actually go to poor, hungry people.


the rest of it went to these people, the "ONE" staff.

in all fairness, it isn't cheap hiring people to brainstorm creative and fun ways to not provide food to hungry people. helping people ain't free. what is this a charity? oh wait......

and of course a few pregnancies were announced.


snore.


don't people realize that not having a baby is the new having a baby??




tori spelling and liam mcdermott (am i the only one who isn't sure why this dude is famous?) are having a third child




tina fey is having a second baby because of peer pressure. apparently her daughter is the only child at school who is the only child....

score one for hollywood for procreating for great reasons

i kid. i like tina.

but srsly, just say no to babies.





emily deschanel and david hornsby are having a baby. can i just say score to rickety cricket for getting such a hot wife!

embarrassing food

there are some foods out there

that i get embarrassed when i order

or buy them.


like funyuns.

hot dang! do i love me some funyuns.

they are delicious

and is my preferred snack of choice.

unfortunately,

they are also the preferred snack

of the pot adled minds of the losers who live in their moms basement.

everytime i buy funyuns,

i feel like people look at me

like i am high, or am about to get high.


another one.

fish tacos.

i feel like a dirty frat bro

whenever i order them.

always.


what foods embarrass you?

sharing time

dear LFV readers,


so i tend to not share much about myself, i guess i figure i am not that interesting, but i have started to realize that my favorite blogs are always the ones where they share and you feel like you actually know them.

so yeah, i am basically saying that i want you to like me

so, i'll share.


hi. i'm valentine.

i am 27

i was born in texas

i only lived there for 4 years before we moved

so, no, i am NOT a texas girl


from a large family

i am #7 out of 8

demosthenes is of course #8

i have 3 brothers and 4 sisters



i did pretty good in high school, got a couple of nursing scholarships

turned out i hated nursing.

lost the scholarship



dropped out of school

who needs it right?

turns out i do!


got a job as a front desk receptionist

turns out i don't like people


notice there is a job that does not involve talking to people

i take it.

i am good at it.

so good that this past february i sat for my certification exam

i passed.

i am now a certified medical coder

working towards becoming a medical auditor.



i am married.

have been for 7 years



i have lived in

Texas

Kentucky

Idaho

Alaska

Illinois

and now

Utah.



i love britney.


like probably more than i should.

i blame it on me being a freshman in high school when she came out

it was a very influential time in my life

i can't be held responsible.



i LOVE mexican food.

and ice.

i LOVE ice.

love british tv

dexter

and pysch




I also love musicals

war movies

and anything jane austen

or jane austen-esque


i love celebrity gossip

and totally RULE

at remembering obscure actors

in obscure shows.

for some reason,

the husband is less than impressed.


i don't like wearing flip flops.

they feel unnatural

my toes don't like being seperated, they are a set.


something interesting about me:

i am tongue tied.

i have tried to have it fixed

twice

but no luck.


so that is valentine. more or less.



it was more than you probably wanted to know



p.s. if you made it down this far, then you are truly awesome and deserve the prize that is hidden behind door #1.

we have been talking about this giveaway forever

just hemming and hawing over it.

but we are finally doing it.

we are giving away a $40 giftcard to


i know in the past we had less than traditional rules for winning a giveaway

but it is late, and i can't think of anything awesome for you guys to do to win

so, we'll go with traditional.

1 entry for just commenting that you want to be entered

1 entry if you blog about the giveaway

1 entry if you tweet about it

1 entry if you become our friend on facebook
(who says you can't buy friendship??)

1 entry if you tell a friend about letters from valentine

and of course, put each one in as a seperate comment.

this will be open until july 3

and i'll announce the winner

on monday, july 5

Matthews new Muse

Dear Matthew Bellamy,
(lead singer/guitarist for the band Muse)

over the weekend

you were spotted in paris

with kate hudson.

this is a travesty




i am of course referring to your pants.


i am not big in celebrity crushes or anything

but if you remember

when i picked a hollywood someone to go on a

pretend date with

i didn't pick rob

even though that new hair cut is really doing it for me


or eric



or ryan


he's hot. but can't act.




no.

i picked you.


and while i realize you were engaged like 6 months ago,


that didn't bother me.


shes was some no one,who we never saw and so it made keeping the dream alive, a little easier.


also, you were always a lay low kinda celeb, i only saw the most random pic of you


in the daily mail


now, if you are with kate hudson, not only will be seeing her everywhere
(making the illusion of your singledom harder)


but we will also be seeing you everywhere.


ruining the allure of your mysterious ways.



badly done matthew, badly done.***





***p.s. 10 awesome points to anyone who can name the movie
that line is from.

the end of the seeker

dear legend of the seeker,

i heard last week that your awesomely, boob-erific, cheesy show


(that is so lame it is fetch)


will be no more.


while i am not entirely surprised, i am very sad.


and decided to pay tribute in the only way i know how


a homage:

good bye

sexy abs in tight leather pants



good bye

bad a** knife wielding chick with boobs always out



good bye

s&m dominatrix with weapons that are clearly vibrators



good bye

crazy old wizard who only throws kick asphalt wizards fire when it is convenient to the plot


good bye

disney aladdin/genie like villian who never seems to be able to kill the seeker, despite trying each week



good bye

magic amulets, that there was always an abundance of

and were the key to saving towns

(srsly who keeps making all these amulets???)




you have provided demos and i countless hours of discussing your often confusing, but awesomely awesome show


you will be missed,

when demos and i have too much time on our hands....

dear readers,


awhile back demosthenes and myself did a guest post over at another blog. since some of you might have missed it, decided to repost it here.


warning, this is hilariously dirty!


for those of you who know us, of course we are gonna be ourselves. and let's be honest, we think you prefer us that way. the following are a couple convo's that we have had. can you believe that this started out as an email discussion about a badly translated italian fan letter? and some how the jonas brothers, rpattz chest hair (we like to call it a chest mane) and saute pans got dragged in, then pureed in the food processor that is our brains and reconfigured until we were discussing "fella" names. yeah, that sounds about right.

Demosthenes: .........rob pattinson wouldn't call "his fella" mr. peeps, he'd go for something like big bronco


Valentine: since rob is british, he'd totally go for a formal name. like mr. wickham, handsome, devilish and loves the ladies.


demosthenes: i don't see him naming it something formal, he'd need an ego booster, like The Rhinocerus. what would emmett, from twilight, name it?


valentine: i still love calling it his mr wickham, and when we meet behind the dumpsters, i will say "k, where's johnny wickham"

calling someone's "fella" a rhinocerus is like calling it a giraffe! its kinda weird. and not hot. hmmm....what would emmett call it? the jackhammer? the bear?


demos: okay, i can see that with the giraffe (really, who says that?) but a rhino? come on, that's a beast!!! emmett would call it the jackhammer!! LOL thats perfect for him! and jasper (cullen, from twilight) would call it captain enormous, or something with rank.


val: jasper would go with a ranked name. something like general privates or captain copious, master (sgt) magnificient. these are starting to sound like super hero names.....super hero names that are fetching awesome.


demos: general private! that made me snicker, lol. and carlisle (cullen) would call it Dr Littleton


val: i don't know of many men that would want the word "little" in their peeps name...


demos: can't you see it? carlisle says to esme "did someone page Dr Littleton?" hahahaha, i am laughing as i write this!


val: oh my goodness! can you imagine if carlise had a sex pager? lol that esme would use when she was feeling the need, the need for carlisle's seed. and he would totally show up like in a bad porn.and be like


carlisle: "did someone page dr littleton?"
esme: " yes, i did. i need some of your venom"






demos: how the heck did we start talking about what fictional characters would name their wang?


val: i have NO idea!

* a couple of days later*

demos: mr darcy (pride and prejudice) would totes call his "the gentleman".
"alright ladies, here comes the gentleman!" he would practice his fencing with it in the mirror, lol. "nice play, gentleman, nice play"







demos: heres another one: harry potter would call his the "firebolt" LOL. "line up girls, the firebolt will take you on the ride of your life"



val: oh man, you are on fire! snape (harry potter) would call his the "potion stirrer", hagrid would go off to "tame his dragon" and dumbledore would go off to "make a deposit" in his pensive. oh, was that too far? should i not have dragged dumbledore into this?? lol


d: oh dang, dumbledore! LOL. you know me, nothing is too far! he'd arrive to an appointment with mcgonagall and have spooge stuck in his beard.

mcgonagall : "um professor... you have a little... yes in your beard"

dumbledore: "oh so sorry minerva dear. i do try to be careful but this beard is just so d*mn long!"

harry: "wanna ride my firebolt hermione?"






v: i am dying! that part with dumbledore and mcgonagall, so disgusting and hilarious!


d: ron would want something that sounds tough like "the mighty hypogriff"


v: i think han solo would call it "his wookie" as in he always lets his wookie win.


d: han would make fun of luke by calling his an ewok when they're at the urinal together.

d:richard cypher (legend of the seeker) would call his "the dagger of truth."

"hey kahlan, i have this awesome dagger in my pocket. wanna see?"

don't act like you all weren't thinking this stuff too! we're just the ones with the guts to say it out loud (and then publish it on the interwebs for everyone to see)


&

teetering on tweetering

dear LFV readers,



i did it. i know. i am kinda in shock.


but it sounded like it might be fun. and everyone else is doing it.


and if memory serves right, i remember my mom always mentioning something about doing stuff just because everyone else was.......


so here it is:


http://twitter.com/valentineletter

stop by. say hi.

or


be fetch and follow.

please, i don't want to be a tweeter loser.

team lame

dear company that i work for,


so this year for christmas, you decided to gift your employees with hoodies. hoodies that not only have our department name on them, but also our logo on the back......


while many of my coworkers find them cool (clearly they are lame) they make me feel like i am a

mathlete .

or part of the chess club

like a group of nerds that get together and feel jealous that the football team has jackets, so why can't we?


"take that socially popular football players!!"


so fine, we have them. whatever. but everyone (minus me) wears them while at work. while that wouldn't be too bad, everyone wears them with the hoods on and they are black jackets......


great. now we look like some crazed cult or even better. the uni bomber.



but they are warm. and my office is fetching cold. so i will wear it. sometimes. begrudingly.


but if someone suggests we all get our names embroidered on them, i'm out!

turning dwight-enese

dear dwight schrute,

oh geez! i think i am slowly turning into you. tonight, the hubs (jakt) talked me into watching battlestar galactica. so, thinking i'd watch just the first few minutes to indulge him, i ended up watching 3 hours of it.....

and really liked it......

and wanted to see more episodes.....

what. the. frack???





yeah, that's right, i said frack. i am just as weird and dorky as you!



i guess now i will start asking random people around me if they like BG......



and when they don't, berate them. it is after all the schrute way.





or sporadically start spouting bear attack information

or want my own bobblehead doll

k, actually i do want my own bobblehead. they are frakin sweet!





huh? i don't know. i guess it doesn't sound all bad. maybe i do want to be like you when i grow up. i mean, there are worse people i could want to be.......






bears. beets. battlestar galactica,




p.s. who do you want to be when you grow up?

couple dating

dear how i met your mother,

after watching last weeks episode, it has come to the attention of the hubs and i (srsly, he needs a name. it has been 7 months. i think the man deserves a pseudonym. i think jakt is very fitting).

so it has come to the attention of jakt and i, that there must be something wrong with us.


we have hung out with lots of couples, we think we have a great time, playing charades, watching the office, talking about how awesome we are. they seem to agree. we part ways with the promise of a call and another get together. but yet, the phone never rings for that follow up date.

at first, we blamed it on busy schedules. busy with kids. busy with life. that must be why our phone remained silent. but after awhile, i think we must face the hard. awful truth. that the problem is us.





as we sat, after our most recent fail, drowning our confusion and tears into a gallon of ice cream, it made me wonder what the problem is. are we:






creepy?






weird?







boring?




crazy?





are we destined to roam the earth on a bike built for two instead of four?





are our nights doomed to be dinners for two?






we are to endure all the foursomes that surround and mock us?



oh well, maybe we shouldn't rush into a game of charades with just anyone. maybe we should hold out for mr. and mrs. right. and one day, we too, can be on that bike built for four.



still looking for "the ones"





p.s. sound off- what is your opinion about couple dates?

cold showers and baseball

dear adolescent teens,

guess what this look means:

A) she's an alien sucking the life force from

his helpless brain

B) this is his first kiss and he has NO idea what

to do


C) trying really, really hard to not get a boner.





happy to be an adult,

you were searching for WHAT?

dear googlers,


you provide me and demos with hours of entertainment with all the weird and totally random things you google, and wind up finding our lovely little blog. so i decided to post said searched keywords, cuz some are too funny to not share. i know a lot of other sites and blogs have done this before, but it is just so much fun that we had to join in.

how to know if you're a douche?- well, i am glad to hear that you are taking a proactive stance. hopefully after visiting us, you found out if you were.


hair extensions+toddlers- equals bad parent.


letter of school visit-what the what? maybe you should go back to letter of school to learn how to make sense


her back brace- is this like secret for women, but with back braces? back braces for her? more sliming and comes in various shades of pink?


sleeveless button down edward cullen- don't we all wish that picture exsisted, since it doesn't you'll have to make due with ours


bdb vampire series- please tell me you were looking for this series to effing make fun of it, like we did


mario lopez is a douche- yes he is. were you looking for confirmation on that fact? if so, you found it.


random thoughts mapquest- since when does mapquest have random thoughts? here are some of the random thoughts demos and i thought mapquest might have:

mapquest thinks construction is dumb

mapquest just ruined your evening by giving you bad directions

mapquest would like to point out the naked lady tanning in herbackyard under satellite view

eff you google maps!!! EFF YOU!!!

king of the douches- since when did we become the go to douche blog?



that's what we found how cool is that so we think so- so you are found so cool i think not so too

dominatrix "forehead kisses"- k, first, its awesome that we can be found under dominatrix. i can now cross that off my "do before i die" list. secondly, i don't even wanna know what forehead kisses really means. sorry to disappoint, but i am pretty sure you didn't find what you were looking for!

happy searching,

the dulcet sounds of awesome

dear edward cullen,


i don't know if you remember this or not, but demosthenes and i have created in our minds a different version of you, one that we have lovingly monikered "emo edward" (EE). we call him that because he is an emo kid; depressed, moody, loves the dulcet sounds of death cab for cutie. it's funny, over time he has kinda changed a little, into someone who is also slightly feminine, (i'm sure you can't relate to that at all.) you know, he gets frustrated by bella's lack of fashion, upset with emmett and jasper's childish pranks and he never misses a mani/pedi party.

demos and i find ourselves talking about him. alot. we often have convos about the sort of stuff he'd do. it's not that we love emo edward more than you, regular edward, it's just that you are kinda boring (perfect, but boring) and the emo one is just so much fun. at least, we think he would be.

take per example, the day that we were discussing edward's sleeveless shirt from the meadow scene, from the book:

demos: EE would be so mad! beige looks awful with my highlites! he wouldn't be wearing a sleeveless button down to the meadow, but i do think he'd be digging the whole, showing off his pristinely waxed chest muscles


val: LOL are you saying that EE would dig a hole, just to show off his muscles?

bella: "why are you digging that hole?"
EE: "its a vampire thing. i can't talk about it. you won't be safe if you know. "

demos:

bella: "but theres really no reason for a hole to be right here edward, did you ask esme if it was okay to do this?"

EE: "i'm a man, bella. i don't need to ask permission from my mother. man is it hot out here, i think i need to take my shirt off"

bella:"your undead edward, you're always cold."

EE:"oh i'm hot today bella. its a good thing i'm so ripped or this hole would take me forever to dig"

val: lol!! ohhhh, i totally misread what you wrote. i thought you said he'd dig the hole, to show off his muscles. not that he'd dig the whole showing off his muscle thing! but thanks for playing along with my confusion.

demos: ROFLMAO! that is hilarious! i was a little confused about the whole "digging a hole" thing, but i thought it worked, so i was all "okay".

val: *they both stand over the hole looking into it*

bella: "so.....now what. "

ee: "now, i fill it back in. yeah, yeah, its an old vampire custom."

bella: "i don't think that is true. i goggled about vampires remember. and it didn't say anything like that"

demos: emmet would walk by and piss in his hole while he's digging it!

bella: "see!! i knew this wasn't a vampire thing! he just peed in your stupid hole!"

*another day, another convo*

val: do you ever wish EE was real? i do. i think he'd be hilarious to hang out with. he'd totally have dramatic exits and entrances. like arrive at bella's house wearing a cape!

demos: the cape would be gold to match his eyes! *sigh* i do wish ee were real. we'd be best friends!

val: i am so glad that you also wish he was real. and he'd totally match his eyes to the cape, because anything worth doing is worth doing in style.


demos: That is totes EE's motto!

yes, the above convo's are pretty much how we spend our entire workday. don't tell my boss, she thinks i am hard at work, not role playing with demosthenes.

anything worth doing is worth doing awesome,