twilight saga: breaking dawn

dear breaking dawn,

what can i say? i loved you. i really loved you.

everything was much better this time around.

the pacing.

the acting.

while i wasn't a huge fan of the soundtrack (how could there be no MUSE?)

i LOVED that they played the song bella and edward danced to at the prom

in twilight.

i loved that they played bella's lullaby.

i loved the toasts at the reception, this is why the humans need to be

in each movie, their humanity is relatable.

i was happy with isle esme

and not grossed out by the delivery.

i loved the stephenie meyer made a cameo at the wedding.

i loved how gaunt and deathly they made bella.

by the way, kristen stewart may not be a great actress,

but she plays dead very well.

i could have done without the wolves (not a fan)

but since they had to be in there, i thought they were fine.

and how absolutely adorable was that baby???

and i LOVED ending it on bella's eyes!

AGGH! 356 more days until PART 2!!!!

p.s. i LOVED the hunger games trailer that played before

the movie. I guess that will have to get me through

until next november!!!

new obsession

dear katniss everdeen,



i just finished reading the first two books in the

hunger games trilogy

and i can't stop thinking about it.

and you.


i realize the books have been out for awhile.

and how awesome they are

is not news.

but i have fallen.

and fallen hard.



i thought the twilight saga

were incredible books.

and i guess they were.

at the time.


but i can't stop comparing you to bella.

you are both considered heroines.

but i can't help thinking that you are a true heroine

while bella is just a damsel in distress.

you are capable.

smart.

independent.

strong.



that the hero in the series,

peeta,

is a true gentelman.

a totally amazing guy.


while i now think edward

to be controlling,

boring

and borderline creepy.


and the writing.

as much as i love stephenie meyers ability to tell a story

her writing leaves something to be desired.

i was quite pleased that after i finished the second book,

i realized that no one had glowered.

or guffawed.


there is even a love triangle in this trilogy,

but i don't want to b*tchslap you

like i want to do to bella (especially in eclipse)

to yell at you that you don't deserve either of them.

but that i sympathize and even feel sorry for you

is the sign of a truly incredible story.


the next and final book,

Mockingjay,

comes out august 24

and i can't tell you have fetchin' excited i am!!

i plan to do the same thing i did with

the last harry potter.

buy the book and read it straight until i finish.

if that means not eating, going to the bathroom or sleeping

so be it!



everyone should run out now and go get the first two to get caught up.

don't plan on getting it from the library,

lady tremaine went to get them last week

and was told that 88 people are ahead of her!





see you in 39 days!

random letters

dear eclipse movie,

what the fetch is going on with you?







dear dexter,







can't wait for you to be back on in four months.


you are srsly one of the best shows on tv

p.s. glad you are feeling better





dear LOST,


you are heartless bastards.

i am so in shock over last nights episode,

not sure when I'll be ready to talk to you again......




dear dr spaceman,



you srsly make 30 rock.

word.



dear vampire diaries,


how is it possible that a vampire,

high school drama,

on the CW

is better than twilight???

get back to me on that.



randomly yours,

why it sucked

dear new moon,


awhile back, demos and i discussed why twilight sucked, did you really think we'd do any different for you? you did? oh, that's sweet.

The Cake

despite this cake, that could feed 50 in a house where no one eats, showing up in the trailers, it did not make it to the actual movie. what gives? you didn't have the 10 seconds to show us this cake we had heard so much about? total lamesville!

The Sudden Accent

it's like they suddenly remembered that jasper was supposed to be southern.

"Scarlet O'Hara! jasper is supposed to have an accent!"

"oh yeah, i think i remember reading something in the notes about him being southern....."

"we forgot to do it in twilight, do you think anyone will notice?"

"no, i think we'll be fine"

and not only was the accent southern,

it was southern belle southern (lets see how many more times i can say southern in this sentence.....Southern!)

makes me wonder if they got the dialect coach from true blood to teach him, cuz it sounded similarly craptastic.

The Too Cool for Socks

(i don't have a pic for this, but trust, this is srsly true. demos and i laughed when we saw it! check it out the next time you watch new moon)

look at marcus's feet when we get to volterra......

he is wearing frickin' wicker harachi's!

in the books stephenie mentions that the volturi wear clothes that hinted to older times, i didn't realize she meant the miami vice times.

Introducing Bella Swan as Darth Vader

while i am the first person to say hallelujah that kristen did not strobe light blink

through out the entire break up scene, i am not entirely sure trading it for darth vader breathing was a step up.

major fail award goes to whoever noticed it and let her keep doing it.

Alice's Housecoat

"what is that gawd awesome wet dog smell?"

no alice, the real question is what is that gawd awful thing you are wearing?

is it a blanket (that you subsequently turned into a coat) that you bought from a hippie that was selling it on the side of the road from their van?

you know the van i mean, they are usually blue with some sort of airbrushed design on the side. you know, the people who hang their blankets up on a rope, there is usually one with a giant tiger face.

they also try to sell you handmade soap that they clearly never use.

srsly alice, i've seen cat ladies with better housecoats.

Werewolves, meh

i can't tell you much about the wolves, cuz everytime they were on screen, my mind wandered to mundane and medial tasks that i needed to do. yeah, the wolves were so boring that my mind wandered to reorganizing my kitchen cupboards, and i hate organizing. nuff said.

New Moon Soundtrack





k, i bet you all think that i am gonna say how much i hated the music on the soundtrack, that it was totally depressing, there weren't any great songs, that the twilight soundtrack was so much better. ha! gotcha. i totally loved the music to this movie, what i didn't like was that almost the entire soundtrack was played during the first 30 min. and then we were left with nuffn'

as much as i love chris weitz and what he did with the saga, there is def. room for improvement for eclipse. we're counting on you david slade, don't let us down!

p.s. what do you think made new moon suck?

demos and val on the town

dear new moon,


we went, we saw and we loved.



but here are the events that led up to that moment:



we had to get ready. and of course we did it as we blared the new moon soundtrack. (have you heard it yet? it is totally amazing. emo edward gave it 4 sad faces cuz it's totally depressing.)






gots to look good right? what if edward showed up?




here is my after pic, with ZERO curl in my hair. oh well, it had more body. you got that, it wasn't a total waste of time!



and of course we had to have "sitting around 3 hours early" snacks. which we did. a huge mountain of sour patch kids, twizzlers, swedish fish and reeses pieces. all the classics.

and what better way to wash down all that sugar, than with blood!






i srsly, saw these labels online like 6 months ago, bookmarked them and totally forgot til weds night. that is srsly how i roll.

but, i did remember and in time. even got some awesomely red vitamin water to give it the perfect effect.




we srsly had 3 hours to kill til the movie started, so demos and i decided to do a quick photo op:


yep, i was so excited and spastic that i took a pic of the floor. isn't it pretty?





here is demos, kickin' back some of the ole red.

here i am, doing my best "brooding vampire" face. i think edward would be proud of how serious i was.

and of course, here we are together. make sure to read our boobs shirts. demosthenes went through, well not a lot of trouble, but certainly some trouble to make them. so read them d*mnit!



please disregard my strange face, there was this chick practically freaking out that the theater said "men who stare at goats" and not new moon. after this pic, we reassured her it was right and to shut the hale up!


we went back in and played a few lively games of uno. but had to stop, cuz i was positive the dude behind me was throwing signals to demos to tell her what cards i had. can't trust nobody.


at this point, we still had like 2 fetching hours left. what to do? um, hi, MADLIBS!


but, i don't know where one buys madlibs, so we (and when i say we, i totally mean demos) made up our own.

so, for your entertainment, our new moon themed madlibs. please note that it was about 11:00pm at this point, both had gotten up early, didn't nap and were on a sugar and blood rush. so they may not seem so funny now, but i promise we were rollin at the time.......


One day two shoes went to Forks, WA to watch new moon. rpattz hopped next to them and offered to burp them. kstew saw the two chairs with him and jumped his rickety car.

One day alice called bella to say Peter Pan was in Forks and if she wanted to go to the signing. Bella blurrily said hale yeah! but what about Edward, didn't he want to go to Rivendale? Alice reminded bella that edward was a dirty vamp, so they linked arms and shinely left.

so to sum up the night:

5 hours sitting in a movie theater seat, $10

enough candy to make us vomit, $25

new moon flavored t-shirts, $30

watching rpattz naked chest sparkle in the sun? ORGASMIC. oh wait, i mean "priceless". ya thats the word, i'm looking for.

srsly, seeing him half naked at the end was totes m goats the best thing that happened to me in all of last week. (don't tell my husband

thanks for an awesomely fetch time,

&

it's the final countdown

dear new moon,

hot. diggity. dog. ya'll!


the blogging whores (much love supah!) are back!!


sorry for the delay.

it took longer than we thought to kidnap rpattz, smuggle him out of the country and onto our private island in south america.

now that we are back, i have to say:


"hot dang! new moon is almost here!!!"

(do you see the 3 exclamation points? i mean biz-nass.)



two weeks from now, demosthenes and i will be standing in line, with hundreds of other losers, to see this movie at midnight. and if you are lucky, you might even get to see a picture of us. wearing our totally fetch new moon t-shirts, hopped up on caffeine and mad-libs, with no doubt a look in our eyes that clearly says:


"why the h*ll are we up at midnight to watch this lame movie"


now, before i get greased and spooned for that above comment. let me clarify, do i love twilight? yes. do i think this will be an incredible movie? no. but i will love it anyways.



as we are getting closer to the movie, i have prepared a checklist so i won't forget anything;



totally awesome new moon t-shirt to represent the vampire love?

check.


some of the ole red to "pour one out for the homies" (i.e.james)?

check.


classic middle school cut downs for any team jacob or team wolf fans?

check.


practice elbow jabs to stop any 12 year old skanks that try to steal our seats?

check.


brown paper bag (needed to vomit into) when k.stew tries to "act" any feeling other than hunger, tired or horny?

check.



i think i am all ready to go.




see you in 2 weeks,

p.s. you know, whenever i hear someone say "final countdown" i can't help but think of Gob from Arrested Development.





how awesome was that show?

answer: very.

switching to team salvatore

dear vampire diaries,



i did it. i finally succumbed to the siren's song. it called to me and promised that if i followed it, i would find hot vampires and moody teens. the sirens don't lie.

i was hesitant to try this new vampire show. it seemed like a cheap knock off of twilight (turns out the books were written like 15 years ago. who knew?) and i mean come on, it airs on the CW. they are not exactly known for their high quality programming.


also, i didn't want a one mr. edward cullen to get jealous and think i was moving onto a newer (and certainly equally hot) vampire. why hello mr. salvatore. you're looking awfully hot with all your brooding and what not.

i was intrigued from the start, but i was had when she opened the door. he was there. i think i swooned.

i have kinda gotten used to stephenie meyers version of vampires, that i was kinda surprised when stefan gets thirsty, he's eyes go all red and veiny. it must be the fluorescents.

i am lovin' elena, and apparently it is possible for someone to portray a human girl, caught in a world of vampires, without incessantly blinking or constant stammering. (yeah, kstew, i'm looking at you) it got so frustrating watching bella, it's like "spit it out woman!"

and elena's annoying friend, caroline, is so much less obnoxious than bella's annoying friend, jessica.

it's boone! hot dang! he didn't die on the island!

um, yeah, you're my new favorite show!

london and france

dear twilight,

so this is a really funny picture, and it got me to thinking. ya know, it makes sense for "movie-bella" to be wearing a pink thong. what high school girl doesn't own a pink thong? who cares if no ones gonna see it, the point is that you had one and all your friends knew you had one.

"book-bella" on the other hand would never be caught dead in a thong. i can imagine her nightmares involve being forced to walk into a victoria secret. "book-bella" is definitely a granny panties kinda lady. she's totes the girl who, when she bends over and her shirt raises up a bit, people think she's wearing a white back brace. (this srsly happened to a friend of mine in front of her crush, LOL. she was mortified and i laughed uncontrollably).


and then i got to thinking, well what about the others? "book-jacob" is sooo wearing tightie whities, except they are no longer tight nor white. they are saggy and yellow-ish (does that make them saggy-yellowies?) and have been for several years. i can't envision him buying new ones more than once a decade. but "movie jacob"? COMMANDO! you know he does!


ahh, saving the best for last! theres no question that "movie-edward" is sporting some nice, (clean) low rise boxers. you know, the kind that you every now and then just get a glimpse of above the jean-line.


but not "book-edward". no, he's totes wearing silk, black, bikini briefs! can't you just see it? light ivory turtlenecks with beige khakis on the outside, and silky black bikini's on the inside? like skittles, if they had beige candy shells and silky chocolate centers.





and a special treat for all you EE (emo edward) fans. he would have an entire dresser set devoted to his briefs, all in various shades of gold and black. they'd range from "light amber" to "dark ocher" (wth is ocher anyway?) to black. that way, everyday he could perfectly match his drawers to the shade of his eyes. special occasion pairs would be complete with sequins.


surely i'm not the only one who thought this when they saw that bella/thong pic? i can't help the way my brain works, don't judge me.






p.s. don't forget to stop by clares blog to check out our guest post. we'll show you more pics of bikini edward if you don't!!

the dulcet sounds of awesome

dear edward cullen,


i don't know if you remember this or not, but demosthenes and i have created in our minds a different version of you, one that we have lovingly monikered "emo edward" (EE). we call him that because he is an emo kid; depressed, moody, loves the dulcet sounds of death cab for cutie. it's funny, over time he has kinda changed a little, into someone who is also slightly feminine, (i'm sure you can't relate to that at all.) you know, he gets frustrated by bella's lack of fashion, upset with emmett and jasper's childish pranks and he never misses a mani/pedi party.

demos and i find ourselves talking about him. alot. we often have convos about the sort of stuff he'd do. it's not that we love emo edward more than you, regular edward, it's just that you are kinda boring (perfect, but boring) and the emo one is just so much fun. at least, we think he would be.

take per example, the day that we were discussing edward's sleeveless shirt from the meadow scene, from the book:

demos: EE would be so mad! beige looks awful with my highlites! he wouldn't be wearing a sleeveless button down to the meadow, but i do think he'd be digging the whole, showing off his pristinely waxed chest muscles


val: LOL are you saying that EE would dig a hole, just to show off his muscles?

bella: "why are you digging that hole?"
EE: "its a vampire thing. i can't talk about it. you won't be safe if you know. "

demos:

bella: "but theres really no reason for a hole to be right here edward, did you ask esme if it was okay to do this?"

EE: "i'm a man, bella. i don't need to ask permission from my mother. man is it hot out here, i think i need to take my shirt off"

bella:"your undead edward, you're always cold."

EE:"oh i'm hot today bella. its a good thing i'm so ripped or this hole would take me forever to dig"

val: lol!! ohhhh, i totally misread what you wrote. i thought you said he'd dig the hole, to show off his muscles. not that he'd dig the whole showing off his muscle thing! but thanks for playing along with my confusion.

demos: ROFLMAO! that is hilarious! i was a little confused about the whole "digging a hole" thing, but i thought it worked, so i was all "okay".

val: *they both stand over the hole looking into it*

bella: "so.....now what. "

ee: "now, i fill it back in. yeah, yeah, its an old vampire custom."

bella: "i don't think that is true. i goggled about vampires remember. and it didn't say anything like that"

demos: emmet would walk by and piss in his hole while he's digging it!

bella: "see!! i knew this wasn't a vampire thing! he just peed in your stupid hole!"

*another day, another convo*

val: do you ever wish EE was real? i do. i think he'd be hilarious to hang out with. he'd totally have dramatic exits and entrances. like arrive at bella's house wearing a cape!

demos: the cape would be gold to match his eyes! *sigh* i do wish ee were real. we'd be best friends!

val: i am so glad that you also wish he was real. and he'd totally match his eyes to the cape, because anything worth doing is worth doing in style.


demos: That is totes EE's motto!

yes, the above convo's are pretty much how we spend our entire workday. don't tell my boss, she thinks i am hard at work, not role playing with demosthenes.

anything worth doing is worth doing awesome,

frailty, thy name is stephenie meyer

* this post has an effing, fetching, hilarious letter warning*

dear stephanie meyer,


i gave you fair warning last week, your time has come. wth were you thinking when you wrote out the clothing descriptions for your characters?!?! are your eyes broken? do you have sexually transmitted fugly clothes disease?

maybe i’m being too harsh, and you just don’t own any magazines that were printed after 1993. or you had to browse your high school year book for fashion inspiration. i will let LFV readers be the judge.


here is my best visual representation of your terrible fashion descriptions in twilight.

exhibit a:

edward and bella are dining out at port angeles and we get the very first description of edwards clothes. the most perfectly handsome man in the world, and you dress him in an “ivory turtleneck sweater with a light beige leather jacket”. wtf? anyone who still owns a turtleneck needs to relinquish any and all cool points awarded in my last post. (i can’t help it, i don’t make the rules)

exhibit b:

the meadow scene is one of the sweetest and most tender scenes in the whole series. and he’s dressed like chuck norris in a bad 70’s cop flick. (note to readers, in the book his shirt is actually unbuttoned down his stomach, showing off his chest too.... who does that? chester sex offender much?)

exhibit c:

and in new moon you manage to introduce a vampire tranny to young impressionable minds. i’m talking about heidi of course. she’s wearing “dark tights, the shortest of mini skirts, and a long sleeved, high necked but close fitting red vinyl shirt.” what the what? red vinyl shirt?

as in all her friends get stuck to her when they give her hugs? i couldn't even find a single picture of a red vinyl shirt when googling for this post. i found this shirt when i googled “michael jackson red leather shirt”. no sh*t, true story.

exhibit d:

in breaking dawn, alice builds bella an enormous walk in closet that is larger than her master bedroom, and what is it filled with? this:

oh stephanie, sigh. what would we do without your books? we would definitely have a lot less laughter in our lives, and we'd prolly be much more productive at work.

p.s. as always, we should mention that we absolutely LOVE you and your incredible books, just not your choice of their clothes ~valentine~

day 1- vampire week (top 5)

dear new moon,

as you can see, we are kicking off our theme week today! totally sweet right? we think so. to start off your monday and ease you into the rest of the week, demosthenes and i came up with a top 5 reasons why your movie will suck.

you are our least favorite book, so hence will be our least favorite movie, but we realize that you play an important part in edward and bella's relationship....so we could never really dislike you. this is all in good fun. and besides,you are totes getting off easy, we gave your friend, twilight, 10 reasons why it sucked....


top 5 reasons new moon will suck:



1. no grand theft auto will actually take place

2. no lesbian love scene between nicki reed and kristen stewart

3. werewolves. meh

4. more cheesy sparkling

5. kristen stewart still won't be dead at the end



countin' it down vampyre style,




p.s. hope you enjoy the theme week!

why it sucked

dear twilight,

demosthenes and i love twilight! we truly do. we are huge twi-nerds! we love, love the books. we loved the movie. between the two of us, we probably watched it over 30 times. however, there are some things about it, that did suck. we came up with our top 10 reasons why it sucked. hey, what else are we gonna do during the 8 hours we're supposed to be working?

top 10 reasons twilight sucked:



1. kristen stewart didn't die in the end


2.kevin bacon wasn't in it (f-o-o-t l-o-o-s-e, nuff said)


3.jackson rathbone didn't take his shirt off while playing baseball. come on, if vampires are going to play baseball they should at least take off their shirts


4. they left out the edward cullen pimp scene


5. hairy edward... ever hear of a wax?



6. the gaysian- aka eric


7.butt crack santa..... WTF? ChiMo much?


8. they mention monkeys twice.... and yet there were no monkeys.... how disappointing


9. now the jonas bros want in..... NOOOOOOOOSSSSS!!!!



10. there was no hot and steamy vampire sex


please don't be offended. like i said, we love you! we always will! but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for improvement!

rollin' it dave letterman style,