twilight saga: breaking dawn

dear breaking dawn,

what can i say? i loved you. i really loved you.

everything was much better this time around.

the pacing.

the acting.

while i wasn't a huge fan of the soundtrack (how could there be no MUSE?)

i LOVED that they played the song bella and edward danced to at the prom

in twilight.

i loved that they played bella's lullaby.

i loved the toasts at the reception, this is why the humans need to be

in each movie, their humanity is relatable.

i was happy with isle esme

and not grossed out by the delivery.

i loved the stephenie meyer made a cameo at the wedding.

i loved how gaunt and deathly they made bella.

by the way, kristen stewart may not be a great actress,

but she plays dead very well.

i could have done without the wolves (not a fan)

but since they had to be in there, i thought they were fine.

and how absolutely adorable was that baby???

and i LOVED ending it on bella's eyes!

AGGH! 356 more days until PART 2!!!!

p.s. i LOVED the hunger games trailer that played before

the movie. I guess that will have to get me through

until next november!!!

katniss

dear jennifer lawrence,


so it isn't news that you have been cast as katniss in the hunger games movie. i was hesitant when i found out, you certainly didn't look the part, but as we all know, just because you look like the character, doesn't mean you can play the part right, or even act (*cough* kristen stewart)

a lot of the HG fan forums said that i would feel different after i saw you in "winter's bone". so i watched it. and while i am not a huge fan of this movie, (or your constant montone, too many flash backs of bella), but there were certain aspects of it made me realize you should be able to pull it off playing katniss.

in fact, there were A LOT of similarities between the 2 stories



a poor small town that is dreary and gray all the time? check

a mother that is so depressed she is in a comatose state? check

having to grow up too soon to care for your family? check

able to hunt, kill and clean an animal? check



the only reason difference in the 2 were the fathers of the main characters......


that and the whole televised children killing each other thing.


i guess what i am saying is, after seeing you in winters bone,

i am a little more excited for next march when Hunger Games comes out.


now i just have to get over who they cast as peeta....

postcards

why it sucked

dear eclipse,


so lady tremaine and i saw you together last week.


and you didn't think we'd treat you any different than

new moon

or

twilight?


good. cuz we're not gonna.


1. actor switch

so lady tremaine and i agreed that riley totally should of

been cast as bella.



i mean, he acted the shiz out of the burning scene.

and they already had a wig.

done. and done.


2. the coordinated cullens




Val: what, did alice coordinate their fight clothes?

Demos: yeah, i can see her saying:

" this is very important to me emmett. i can't fight if we don't match"


3. fancy demetri


what is demetri doing in this scene?

i imagine the convo went something like this:

david slade: k, in this next scene try to act aloof. got it?

demetri: k, got it.

david: action! wait! Cut! Cut!

demetri: what?

david: i said be aloof! not a doof!



4. exercise classy


what is edward wearing? is that a sweater with track pants?

yeah, i think it is.

looks like he is trying to be his towns ron burgundy

"exercise classy, forks!"



5. the sometimes accent


oh my goodness.

bless jaspers little southern heart for really trying to sell that accent.

but just like the ending of new moon, it was laid on a bit too thick.

its like we get it!

You're Southern!

not only that, but i think carlisle got jealous of jaspers special elocution lessons and

decided to get in on the fun,

cuz he was fake accenting right along side with him.





in all fairness, this really should have been titled "why it rocked" .

this really was the best of the series so far, and we really had to dig deep into the barrel to find

stuff to make fun of.

but making fun is funner.

so we did that.


but surprisingly k.stew didn't give me a seizure with her incessant blinking and stuttering.


my mind didn't wander off when the wolves or jacob were on screen.


i loved the eclipse logo at the beginning of the movie.


and the soundtrack totally kick asphalt.

i have been listening to it non stop. still.


and the best part is that we are now this much closer to


BREAKING DAWN!!

when demos and i have too much time on our hands....

dear readers,


awhile back demosthenes and myself did a guest post over at another blog. since some of you might have missed it, decided to repost it here.


warning, this is hilariously dirty!


for those of you who know us, of course we are gonna be ourselves. and let's be honest, we think you prefer us that way. the following are a couple convo's that we have had. can you believe that this started out as an email discussion about a badly translated italian fan letter? and some how the jonas brothers, rpattz chest hair (we like to call it a chest mane) and saute pans got dragged in, then pureed in the food processor that is our brains and reconfigured until we were discussing "fella" names. yeah, that sounds about right.

Demosthenes: .........rob pattinson wouldn't call "his fella" mr. peeps, he'd go for something like big bronco


Valentine: since rob is british, he'd totally go for a formal name. like mr. wickham, handsome, devilish and loves the ladies.


demosthenes: i don't see him naming it something formal, he'd need an ego booster, like The Rhinocerus. what would emmett, from twilight, name it?


valentine: i still love calling it his mr wickham, and when we meet behind the dumpsters, i will say "k, where's johnny wickham"

calling someone's "fella" a rhinocerus is like calling it a giraffe! its kinda weird. and not hot. hmmm....what would emmett call it? the jackhammer? the bear?


demos: okay, i can see that with the giraffe (really, who says that?) but a rhino? come on, that's a beast!!! emmett would call it the jackhammer!! LOL thats perfect for him! and jasper (cullen, from twilight) would call it captain enormous, or something with rank.


val: jasper would go with a ranked name. something like general privates or captain copious, master (sgt) magnificient. these are starting to sound like super hero names.....super hero names that are fetching awesome.


demos: general private! that made me snicker, lol. and carlisle (cullen) would call it Dr Littleton


val: i don't know of many men that would want the word "little" in their peeps name...


demos: can't you see it? carlisle says to esme "did someone page Dr Littleton?" hahahaha, i am laughing as i write this!


val: oh my goodness! can you imagine if carlise had a sex pager? lol that esme would use when she was feeling the need, the need for carlisle's seed. and he would totally show up like in a bad porn.and be like


carlisle: "did someone page dr littleton?"
esme: " yes, i did. i need some of your venom"






demos: how the heck did we start talking about what fictional characters would name their wang?


val: i have NO idea!

* a couple of days later*

demos: mr darcy (pride and prejudice) would totes call his "the gentleman".
"alright ladies, here comes the gentleman!" he would practice his fencing with it in the mirror, lol. "nice play, gentleman, nice play"







demos: heres another one: harry potter would call his the "firebolt" LOL. "line up girls, the firebolt will take you on the ride of your life"



val: oh man, you are on fire! snape (harry potter) would call his the "potion stirrer", hagrid would go off to "tame his dragon" and dumbledore would go off to "make a deposit" in his pensive. oh, was that too far? should i not have dragged dumbledore into this?? lol


d: oh dang, dumbledore! LOL. you know me, nothing is too far! he'd arrive to an appointment with mcgonagall and have spooge stuck in his beard.

mcgonagall : "um professor... you have a little... yes in your beard"

dumbledore: "oh so sorry minerva dear. i do try to be careful but this beard is just so d*mn long!"

harry: "wanna ride my firebolt hermione?"






v: i am dying! that part with dumbledore and mcgonagall, so disgusting and hilarious!


d: ron would want something that sounds tough like "the mighty hypogriff"


v: i think han solo would call it "his wookie" as in he always lets his wookie win.


d: han would make fun of luke by calling his an ewok when they're at the urinal together.

d:richard cypher (legend of the seeker) would call his "the dagger of truth."

"hey kahlan, i have this awesome dagger in my pocket. wanna see?"

don't act like you all weren't thinking this stuff too! we're just the ones with the guts to say it out loud (and then publish it on the interwebs for everyone to see)


&

why it sucked

dear new moon,


awhile back, demos and i discussed why twilight sucked, did you really think we'd do any different for you? you did? oh, that's sweet.

The Cake

despite this cake, that could feed 50 in a house where no one eats, showing up in the trailers, it did not make it to the actual movie. what gives? you didn't have the 10 seconds to show us this cake we had heard so much about? total lamesville!

The Sudden Accent

it's like they suddenly remembered that jasper was supposed to be southern.

"Scarlet O'Hara! jasper is supposed to have an accent!"

"oh yeah, i think i remember reading something in the notes about him being southern....."

"we forgot to do it in twilight, do you think anyone will notice?"

"no, i think we'll be fine"

and not only was the accent southern,

it was southern belle southern (lets see how many more times i can say southern in this sentence.....Southern!)

makes me wonder if they got the dialect coach from true blood to teach him, cuz it sounded similarly craptastic.

The Too Cool for Socks

(i don't have a pic for this, but trust, this is srsly true. demos and i laughed when we saw it! check it out the next time you watch new moon)

look at marcus's feet when we get to volterra......

he is wearing frickin' wicker harachi's!

in the books stephenie mentions that the volturi wear clothes that hinted to older times, i didn't realize she meant the miami vice times.

Introducing Bella Swan as Darth Vader

while i am the first person to say hallelujah that kristen did not strobe light blink

through out the entire break up scene, i am not entirely sure trading it for darth vader breathing was a step up.

major fail award goes to whoever noticed it and let her keep doing it.

Alice's Housecoat

"what is that gawd awesome wet dog smell?"

no alice, the real question is what is that gawd awful thing you are wearing?

is it a blanket (that you subsequently turned into a coat) that you bought from a hippie that was selling it on the side of the road from their van?

you know the van i mean, they are usually blue with some sort of airbrushed design on the side. you know, the people who hang their blankets up on a rope, there is usually one with a giant tiger face.

they also try to sell you handmade soap that they clearly never use.

srsly alice, i've seen cat ladies with better housecoats.

Werewolves, meh

i can't tell you much about the wolves, cuz everytime they were on screen, my mind wandered to mundane and medial tasks that i needed to do. yeah, the wolves were so boring that my mind wandered to reorganizing my kitchen cupboards, and i hate organizing. nuff said.

New Moon Soundtrack





k, i bet you all think that i am gonna say how much i hated the music on the soundtrack, that it was totally depressing, there weren't any great songs, that the twilight soundtrack was so much better. ha! gotcha. i totally loved the music to this movie, what i didn't like was that almost the entire soundtrack was played during the first 30 min. and then we were left with nuffn'

as much as i love chris weitz and what he did with the saga, there is def. room for improvement for eclipse. we're counting on you david slade, don't let us down!

p.s. what do you think made new moon suck?

demos and val on the town

dear new moon,


we went, we saw and we loved.



but here are the events that led up to that moment:



we had to get ready. and of course we did it as we blared the new moon soundtrack. (have you heard it yet? it is totally amazing. emo edward gave it 4 sad faces cuz it's totally depressing.)






gots to look good right? what if edward showed up?




here is my after pic, with ZERO curl in my hair. oh well, it had more body. you got that, it wasn't a total waste of time!



and of course we had to have "sitting around 3 hours early" snacks. which we did. a huge mountain of sour patch kids, twizzlers, swedish fish and reeses pieces. all the classics.

and what better way to wash down all that sugar, than with blood!






i srsly, saw these labels online like 6 months ago, bookmarked them and totally forgot til weds night. that is srsly how i roll.

but, i did remember and in time. even got some awesomely red vitamin water to give it the perfect effect.




we srsly had 3 hours to kill til the movie started, so demos and i decided to do a quick photo op:


yep, i was so excited and spastic that i took a pic of the floor. isn't it pretty?





here is demos, kickin' back some of the ole red.

here i am, doing my best "brooding vampire" face. i think edward would be proud of how serious i was.

and of course, here we are together. make sure to read our boobs shirts. demosthenes went through, well not a lot of trouble, but certainly some trouble to make them. so read them d*mnit!



please disregard my strange face, there was this chick practically freaking out that the theater said "men who stare at goats" and not new moon. after this pic, we reassured her it was right and to shut the hale up!


we went back in and played a few lively games of uno. but had to stop, cuz i was positive the dude behind me was throwing signals to demos to tell her what cards i had. can't trust nobody.


at this point, we still had like 2 fetching hours left. what to do? um, hi, MADLIBS!


but, i don't know where one buys madlibs, so we (and when i say we, i totally mean demos) made up our own.

so, for your entertainment, our new moon themed madlibs. please note that it was about 11:00pm at this point, both had gotten up early, didn't nap and were on a sugar and blood rush. so they may not seem so funny now, but i promise we were rollin at the time.......


One day two shoes went to Forks, WA to watch new moon. rpattz hopped next to them and offered to burp them. kstew saw the two chairs with him and jumped his rickety car.

One day alice called bella to say Peter Pan was in Forks and if she wanted to go to the signing. Bella blurrily said hale yeah! but what about Edward, didn't he want to go to Rivendale? Alice reminded bella that edward was a dirty vamp, so they linked arms and shinely left.

so to sum up the night:

5 hours sitting in a movie theater seat, $10

enough candy to make us vomit, $25

new moon flavored t-shirts, $30

watching rpattz naked chest sparkle in the sun? ORGASMIC. oh wait, i mean "priceless". ya thats the word, i'm looking for.

srsly, seeing him half naked at the end was totes m goats the best thing that happened to me in all of last week. (don't tell my husband

thanks for an awesomely fetch time,

&

it's the final countdown

dear new moon,

hot. diggity. dog. ya'll!


the blogging whores (much love supah!) are back!!


sorry for the delay.

it took longer than we thought to kidnap rpattz, smuggle him out of the country and onto our private island in south america.

now that we are back, i have to say:


"hot dang! new moon is almost here!!!"

(do you see the 3 exclamation points? i mean biz-nass.)



two weeks from now, demosthenes and i will be standing in line, with hundreds of other losers, to see this movie at midnight. and if you are lucky, you might even get to see a picture of us. wearing our totally fetch new moon t-shirts, hopped up on caffeine and mad-libs, with no doubt a look in our eyes that clearly says:


"why the h*ll are we up at midnight to watch this lame movie"


now, before i get greased and spooned for that above comment. let me clarify, do i love twilight? yes. do i think this will be an incredible movie? no. but i will love it anyways.



as we are getting closer to the movie, i have prepared a checklist so i won't forget anything;



totally awesome new moon t-shirt to represent the vampire love?

check.


some of the ole red to "pour one out for the homies" (i.e.james)?

check.


classic middle school cut downs for any team jacob or team wolf fans?

check.


practice elbow jabs to stop any 12 year old skanks that try to steal our seats?

check.


brown paper bag (needed to vomit into) when k.stew tries to "act" any feeling other than hunger, tired or horny?

check.



i think i am all ready to go.




see you in 2 weeks,

p.s. you know, whenever i hear someone say "final countdown" i can't help but think of Gob from Arrested Development.





how awesome was that show?

answer: very.

take 2

so, i started this blog about 5 months ago, and this was the very first letter i posted (and got 1 comment, thanks beth for being there from the beginning). since there weren't many of you back then, i thought i'd post it again. enjoy.

dear european countries,


what the what?!?! i totes understand that sometimes things get lost in translation. i realize that i take for granted that 95% of the movies i watch are made in my native tongue,in my home country (the other 5% are all the hubs idea, he wants to expand culturally, or some nonsense like that!) but seriously, what the fetch??? these can't be posters for the movies i think they are, can they?

star wars

so apparently in russia, star wars equals space cowboy. i must have missed the part when luke hops his trusty horse, pulls out his lightsaber gun, storms the deathstar and lasso's him some bad storm troopers. how pissed would you be if you went to see star wars based on this poster? i know i would, because i for one do not believe there are enough space cowboy movies

big

*shaking my head* czech republic, czech republic. well, you added the word zoltar in the back, so i guess i will give you 2 points for that and maybe a point for the sweet heart shaped sunglasses, but it ends there. at what point in this movie does tom hanks head implode into a ball of fire? maybe i was out getting popcorn or something. maybe his head should have imploded, it would have made the movie more interesting....

king kong

now i never saw any of the older versions of king kong, just the peter jackson one, but i am thinking i now want my $10 back because, apparently in the other versions king kong fights a ginormous cobra with one hand and choke holds a shark with the other, all the while avoids being skewered by a frickin ocean liner. maybe peter jackson dropped the ball on his.... but in all likeliness it was probably just france trying to spice things up.

your,

honest movie posters, part II

dear hollywood,



so awhile back we wrote a letter discussing how great it would be if hollywood (that's you) was blatantly honest. and proudly displayed the bad reviews like a badge of honor.

well we asked our lovely readers to submit honest movie posters to us for a future letter. well, that post is here. ( i also created a couple of my own.) and thanks to you that participated, you are totally awesome.

credit: lizzie

credit:supah d

have an awesome weekend,

london and france

dear twilight,

so this is a really funny picture, and it got me to thinking. ya know, it makes sense for "movie-bella" to be wearing a pink thong. what high school girl doesn't own a pink thong? who cares if no ones gonna see it, the point is that you had one and all your friends knew you had one.

"book-bella" on the other hand would never be caught dead in a thong. i can imagine her nightmares involve being forced to walk into a victoria secret. "book-bella" is definitely a granny panties kinda lady. she's totes the girl who, when she bends over and her shirt raises up a bit, people think she's wearing a white back brace. (this srsly happened to a friend of mine in front of her crush, LOL. she was mortified and i laughed uncontrollably).


and then i got to thinking, well what about the others? "book-jacob" is sooo wearing tightie whities, except they are no longer tight nor white. they are saggy and yellow-ish (does that make them saggy-yellowies?) and have been for several years. i can't envision him buying new ones more than once a decade. but "movie jacob"? COMMANDO! you know he does!


ahh, saving the best for last! theres no question that "movie-edward" is sporting some nice, (clean) low rise boxers. you know, the kind that you every now and then just get a glimpse of above the jean-line.


but not "book-edward". no, he's totes wearing silk, black, bikini briefs! can't you just see it? light ivory turtlenecks with beige khakis on the outside, and silky black bikini's on the inside? like skittles, if they had beige candy shells and silky chocolate centers.





and a special treat for all you EE (emo edward) fans. he would have an entire dresser set devoted to his briefs, all in various shades of gold and black. they'd range from "light amber" to "dark ocher" (wth is ocher anyway?) to black. that way, everyday he could perfectly match his drawers to the shade of his eyes. special occasion pairs would be complete with sequins.


surely i'm not the only one who thought this when they saw that bella/thong pic? i can't help the way my brain works, don't judge me.






p.s. don't forget to stop by clares blog to check out our guest post. we'll show you more pics of bikini edward if you don't!!

honest movie posters

dear valentine,


wow do i wish i could claim this idea as mine! unfortunately i can't, but when i read this article i knew they were on to something. wouldn't it be amazing if hollywood was this blatantly honest? and proudly displayed their negative reviews like badges of honor?

i mean, we're all thinking it anyway. they may as well be up front about some of the piece of sh*t movies they've inflicted on the world. the article i read had some great posters, but they were missing what i consider to be some key movies in american culture (and some less than key movies, but ones i wanted to do any way). so i decided to go and create some of my own. these are completely real reviews, thanks to some quick searches at rottentomatoes.com.

p.s. feeling creative? why not make your own movie poster and email it to us. we'll post them in an upcoming letter. you know you wanna, it'll be so fetch.