baby mama

dear preggo women,


um, yeah, this video about sums it up!

Pregnant Women are Smug -- powered by Cracked.com

and since it has been awhile since we did a haiku, here is one for your enjoyment:

now that you're pregnant
you don't care about real life
it drives me crazy



it needed to be said,

trust me...

dear quentin tarantino,




i am just not a fan of your movies. which to be honest isn't really fair, because i have only seen the first kill bill movie, and found it boring, my mind wandered off and i really don't remember much about it, except that i didn't like it.


but, my wonderful sister, demos, insists that they are not only good, but are fetching awesome. so i am gonna let her cash in one of her "trust me cards"




and give them a try. however, after i have watched them and if i still think they suck, then you and i dear friend will have to part ways, agreeing to disagree.


not yet a fan,

p.s. i feel like i owe you an apology, i accidentally confused your famous movie, reservoir dogs, with catherine hardwicke's, lords of dogtown. in my defense, they both had the word "dog" in it. apparently i am easily confused. anyways, i do realize that you and catherine are very different directors with very different styles. it won't happen again.

p.p.s i totally made that trust me card, jealous much?

got balls?

here is another awesome post by demosthenes, and in classic demos style, she says it like it is. just so you know, you may want to proceed with caution LOL. enjoy!

~valentine~



dear valentine,

its strange to me that when someone does something courageous, strong, or tough a person might say "wow, do they have some balls!" (or any other of the 5 million variations on that phrase). really? testicles? the single weakest part of a mans body? the part that by kicking (or even just tapping kinda hard) you can bring a grown man down to his knees in tears asking what he did to deserve the pain?




how the f&*^ did that end up being a euphemism for strength!? now, pussy on the other hand, we all know what that's a euphemism for. weak and scared. ya, srlsy, the part of a woman's body that survives pushing an 8 lb watermelon out of its 10 cm opening is the name given to someone who's supposed to be weak!

i'll challenge my husband to a south park style roshambo contest (episode 112, its hilarious) and we'll see who wins, his balls or my pussy!

what don't you understand?

dear grammatically incorrect,

you annoy me. i'm sorry, but it's true. ever since i was young, it has bothered me. whenever someone uses or writes a word incorrectly, it rouses something deep inside of me that makes me want to scream.

i think my frustration stems from simply not understanding where the confusion comes from. i mean, why do you think that there, their and they're are interchangeable? or how about to, too and two? these are all very different words with very different meanings. i just don't get it.




i also don't quite get why people(which i have only noticed since moving to utah) say that "they seen something" seen it you say? so not that you see something or saw someone, but you seen it? interesting...


a little off topic, but still in the realm of things that annoy and perplex me:
that kid,(there's always one) who would show up to class without paper or a writing utensil. um.....did you think there was no school today? did you think it was a field trip or all day recess? why did they think they wouldn't have to write that day.....at school. and of course, they always wanted to "borrow" a pen and some paper. yeah, never got that back. and to add to it, the next day, they'd come to school again without proper writing supplies! um....what happened to the stuff i gave you yesterday? and then of course, they'd hit up another kid for pen and paper. and so it would go, every day, making the rounds.

i realize that these are very minor infractions and in the large scheme of things, they don't really matter. but that doesn't mean that they're not irritating....



still waiting for that paper...



p.s. demosthenes hates it when you say "irreregardless". it's just regardless. got it? k, thanks!

visit

dear kids,

are you tired of your usual, everyday and boring toys? of course you are, they suck. well, aunty demosthenes and i have a surprise for you!




you can bring the real life experience of a rabid pet into your own home, without your parents freaking out. these fantastic animals are great for hours of fun and entertainment!!




ah, the evil verses good unicorn play set, demos and i, like to think that they are just having philosophical differences:

evil unicorn: "for the last time, mermaids aren't real!"
good unicorn : "eff you evil unicorn, eff u!"




and lastly, we understand that it can be hard to always be thinking of excuses for why you didn't do your homework, clean your room or hang out with the creepy kid across the street. so we got you this awesome excuse ball. the package says it has 20 excuses ranging from "my dog ate it" to "mexican food". so you should be covered for almost any request made of you.



and since your parents are always so kind to let us drop in, we decided to gift them with this corn dog air freshener. if they close their eyes they will be able to almost smell the sweet honey batter, the steamy meat product and the sweat of carnival workers. yum!




well, it's time for us to be off. but if you are real good, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.



aunty,

is this deja vu?

dear matthew mcconaughey,




your new movie, ghosts of girlfriends past, came out this weekend, and i must admit, i think i have already seen this movie....yes, i am almost certain that even though it just came out on friday, i indeed saw this movie a year ago.





no wait, i haven't seen it. but you can understand my confusion right? i mean, they all look the same.... i know you probably thought that people wouldn't notice or that it would have taken us longer to get wise.... but i think your movie formula has been cracked: a pun or two, a cutesy tag line, an infuriating title and a picture of you smirking like an absolute tool. i understand movie ideas aren't always easy to come up with, but you can't even deviate from the formula to at least make an original effing movie poster?!?

to save you and your agent time, here are some ideas for your next movies, courtesy of cracked.com










my commission is 15%,

why it sucked

dear twilight,

demosthenes and i love twilight! we truly do. we are huge twi-nerds! we love, love the books. we loved the movie. between the two of us, we probably watched it over 30 times. however, there are some things about it, that did suck. we came up with our top 10 reasons why it sucked. hey, what else are we gonna do during the 8 hours we're supposed to be working?

top 10 reasons twilight sucked:



1. kristen stewart didn't die in the end


2.kevin bacon wasn't in it (f-o-o-t l-o-o-s-e, nuff said)


3.jackson rathbone didn't take his shirt off while playing baseball. come on, if vampires are going to play baseball they should at least take off their shirts


4. they left out the edward cullen pimp scene


5. hairy edward... ever hear of a wax?



6. the gaysian- aka eric


7.butt crack santa..... WTF? ChiMo much?


8. they mention monkeys twice.... and yet there were no monkeys.... how disappointing


9. now the jonas bros want in..... NOOOOOOOOSSSSS!!!!



10. there was no hot and steamy vampire sex


please don't be offended. like i said, we love you! we always will! but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for improvement!

rollin' it dave letterman style,