pie rack

dear last man standing,

you have quickly become one of my

new favorite shows.

partly because most of my shows are on hiatus

but mostly because you are pretty dang funny.

i love that is tool time, but with daughters.


why mess with what works right?


i love the daughters.

how can you not when they make a pie break up song video?

yeah, this is my new favorite song!








p.s. anyone else think tim allen has aged really well?

the dollar tree?

dear dollar tree,

i just found out you sell nail polish.

look at this color......

i'm in love.

better late then never....right?

dear thieving old guy,

So apparently you walked into a seattle sears recently and gave them $100.

its to repay the $20 you stole back in the 1940s.....

apparently you conscience got to you....

60 years later....

i realize this is supposed to be a heart warming tale

an inspiring tale, that there is good in all of us. (including you)

yeah, the cynic in me is shouting:

it took you 60 effing years to get around to doing this??

has your conscience been on vacation for 60 years?

you clearly need to replace your conscience because it has been drunk at the wheel!!

sincerely,

valentine

p.s. i will acknowledge that it was nice of you to add interest on. that is something right?

twilight saga: breaking dawn

dear breaking dawn,

what can i say? i loved you. i really loved you.

everything was much better this time around.

the pacing.

the acting.

while i wasn't a huge fan of the soundtrack (how could there be no MUSE?)

i LOVED that they played the song bella and edward danced to at the prom

in twilight.

i loved that they played bella's lullaby.

i loved the toasts at the reception, this is why the humans need to be

in each movie, their humanity is relatable.

i was happy with isle esme

and not grossed out by the delivery.

i loved the stephenie meyer made a cameo at the wedding.

i loved how gaunt and deathly they made bella.

by the way, kristen stewart may not be a great actress,

but she plays dead very well.

i could have done without the wolves (not a fan)

but since they had to be in there, i thought they were fine.

and how absolutely adorable was that baby???

and i LOVED ending it on bella's eyes!

AGGH! 356 more days until PART 2!!!!

p.s. i LOVED the hunger games trailer that played before

the movie. I guess that will have to get me through

until next november!!!

hollywood roundup

dear hollywood,


its that time again to roundup all the stuff you might have missed this week

in the what the hey-hey moment of the week

kimberly stewart (rod stewarts daughter) and benicio del toro (the puerto rican brad pitt) are having a baby. wait were they together? apparently long enough to procreate.

i envision love at first sight, benicio spotting kim from across the room, their eyes meeting and sparks flying.....

that or it was a drunken party, benicio stumbling into the ladies bathroom, then stumbling into and out of a very drunk k.stew a couple of times and bam! isn't the miracle of life wonderful?




so bono's charity "ONE" has come under scrutiny when it was revealed that only a little over 1% of donations actually go to poor, hungry people.


the rest of it went to these people, the "ONE" staff.

in all fairness, it isn't cheap hiring people to brainstorm creative and fun ways to not provide food to hungry people. helping people ain't free. what is this a charity? oh wait......

and of course a few pregnancies were announced.


snore.


don't people realize that not having a baby is the new having a baby??




tori spelling and liam mcdermott (am i the only one who isn't sure why this dude is famous?) are having a third child




tina fey is having a second baby because of peer pressure. apparently her daughter is the only child at school who is the only child....

score one for hollywood for procreating for great reasons

i kid. i like tina.

but srsly, just say no to babies.





emily deschanel and david hornsby are having a baby. can i just say score to rickety cricket for getting such a hot wife!

katniss

dear jennifer lawrence,


so it isn't news that you have been cast as katniss in the hunger games movie. i was hesitant when i found out, you certainly didn't look the part, but as we all know, just because you look like the character, doesn't mean you can play the part right, or even act (*cough* kristen stewart)

a lot of the HG fan forums said that i would feel different after i saw you in "winter's bone". so i watched it. and while i am not a huge fan of this movie, (or your constant montone, too many flash backs of bella), but there were certain aspects of it made me realize you should be able to pull it off playing katniss.

in fact, there were A LOT of similarities between the 2 stories



a poor small town that is dreary and gray all the time? check

a mother that is so depressed she is in a comatose state? check

having to grow up too soon to care for your family? check

able to hunt, kill and clean an animal? check



the only reason difference in the 2 were the fathers of the main characters......


that and the whole televised children killing each other thing.


i guess what i am saying is, after seeing you in winters bone,

i am a little more excited for next march when Hunger Games comes out.


now i just have to get over who they cast as peeta....

dear target


i must admit when i found out you were creating these new fits, i wasn't really interested, i rarely bought clothes from you and i found the system to be a little confusing.

fast forward to 6 months ago and i moved to a small town that basically just has a walmart (which i really like, but have yet to find good clothes there)

it has been fine, i am able to buy most things online and it hasn't been a big issue, but as we all know, pants are really hard to shop for, and even harder to buy online.

i was up in the "big city" and went to target, decided to try on their fits and guess what? i really liked fit 3. in fact, they fit me great! i have a boy body, but these fit in such a way that i actually look like a girl. amaaaaaazing!

i am so excited because now i can buy pants online, at least from target.

postcards

hollywood roundup

dear hollywood,

i know i have taken a small break from blogging and hollywood round up in particular,

but now i am back and what a great week to come back on!

3 break ups and a funeral a wedding

america's favorite tooth ache inducing couple have decided to call it quits

no real big surprise. i mean we all end up marrying

the person we dated when we were 12......

michael c hall and jennifer carpenter have filed divorce.

in the words of debra morgan:

"this is f*cked up"

scarlet johansson and ryan reynolds seperated this week.

just a small sidenote:

just jared didn't have a pic of them with the lightning bolt of doom....

someone over there is slacking,

so I was forced to make my own.

srsly, what has the world come to where lay people have to add their own lightning effects to pictures of divorcing celebrities???

honestly.

despite all of the recent scandal and break up of hollywood,

on dec. 11 nicole richie and joel madden decided to tie the knot........

here is wishing them a happy 2 years.

when things go wang. i mean *wrong*.

dear damn you autocorrect,



you are my new favorite

kill time at work website.

why?

check out these iphone autocorrects

*warning, while these are totally hilarious, they may be construed as offensive.

so if you offend easily, you are at the wrong blog and should leave.*























see what i mean? high-larious,

come back

dear self,

i find myself kinda missing blogging.

i'm pretty sure most people didn't notice or even care about our hiatus.

i am not sure if demosthenes will rejoin me this time.

she is pretty dang busy.

unlike me who has ample time to kill,

filling up the blogosphere with nonsense.

but that has been some pretty high-larious shiz going down

and i find myself thinking

" i should write a letter about that"

but i don't and the moment passes.

but i have been having more and more of these moments,

so i am thinking i might be ready to make my come back.

summer visit

this is a repost. but it is one of my favorites




dear parents, (not mine, because they never take me anywhere)


well, it's that time of year again, school is out and that can only mean one thing, the summer vacation. i know you are really excited to be on that beach, having fun at a theme park or just hanging with family at a reunion (hey, i won't judge if that's your thang....) but i bet you're not looking forward to the long, hot hours in the car or long layover time at the airport. no worries, aunty demosthenes and i are here to help.




according to the package: this wonderful activity is simple, but yet the diversion you need "Every 50 miles your child gets to tear open the corresponding area on the package to reveal a small plastic novelty that should keep them busy temporarily so you can continue on your journey without their incessant nagging." sweet right? i think so, and the tiny plastic pieces are the perfect size for your little one to put in their mouth. a bonus!







nothing lift's a family's spirit on a long car ride more than a good yodel. i know what you're thinking "but, valentine, we don't know how to yodel" i got your back baby, the emergency yodel button. keep this with you at all times and when the need arises, press the button to hear the sweet mellifluous warbling of an alpine yodeler.






these dante's inferno balls are the key to silence. little mouths can't be running if they're being burned by "cinnamon candy forged by demons in the third circle of hell"







don't worry parents, i didn't forget about you, but come on let's be honest, all of the other presents were really for you. but in any case, i got you something that is so very functional and practical, you'll wonder why you didn't always have one.
the beware pick pocket wallet! i remember as a child, my dad was always stressed and worried on vacations because it was costing him an a**load and also the fear of having money stolen from the locals. well, this fantastic wallet will solve one of those problems.

the whimsical stick figure sternly cautions any potential pick pocketer that you mean business and will not put up with their thieving. and if they are so caught trying to steal, you will deliver a swift blow to their windpipe, rendering them unable to breathe...... hey they were warned. k, maybe not, but it's probably still a good deterrent to pick pockets.



well, it's time for us to be off. but, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.



aunty,

embarrassing food

there are some foods out there

that i get embarrassed when i order

or buy them.


like funyuns.

hot dang! do i love me some funyuns.

they are delicious

and is my preferred snack of choice.

unfortunately,

they are also the preferred snack

of the pot adled minds of the losers who live in their moms basement.

everytime i buy funyuns,

i feel like people look at me

like i am high, or am about to get high.


another one.

fish tacos.

i feel like a dirty frat bro

whenever i order them.

always.


what foods embarrass you?

hollywood roundup

dear hollywood,

so, i don't know if you remember awhile back

i mentioned that i love celebrity gossip.

like probably too much.

so i have decided to do a new feature here

at

letters from valentine

called







weddings


penelope cruz and javier

wed in a secret ceremony.

emily blunt and john krasinski


married in lake cuomo.


how adorable are these two??



carrie underwood and mike fisher

second helpings

bristol palin and levi johnston


are back together.


(anyone else think her nose looks different???)

and sienna miller and jude law are back together, again.
man, these two need some sort of punch card

celeb spawn

vince vaughn and wife, kyla weber
are having a baby.

anyone else taking bets on how long vince will stay tied down to a wife and baby?





as is funny man craig ferguson and his wife, megan.
do you watch craig? he is hilarious. weird and strange. but funny.

new obsession

dear katniss everdeen,



i just finished reading the first two books in the

hunger games trilogy

and i can't stop thinking about it.

and you.


i realize the books have been out for awhile.

and how awesome they are

is not news.

but i have fallen.

and fallen hard.



i thought the twilight saga

were incredible books.

and i guess they were.

at the time.


but i can't stop comparing you to bella.

you are both considered heroines.

but i can't help thinking that you are a true heroine

while bella is just a damsel in distress.

you are capable.

smart.

independent.

strong.



that the hero in the series,

peeta,

is a true gentelman.

a totally amazing guy.


while i now think edward

to be controlling,

boring

and borderline creepy.


and the writing.

as much as i love stephenie meyers ability to tell a story

her writing leaves something to be desired.

i was quite pleased that after i finished the second book,

i realized that no one had glowered.

or guffawed.


there is even a love triangle in this trilogy,

but i don't want to b*tchslap you

like i want to do to bella (especially in eclipse)

to yell at you that you don't deserve either of them.

but that i sympathize and even feel sorry for you

is the sign of a truly incredible story.


the next and final book,

Mockingjay,

comes out august 24

and i can't tell you have fetchin' excited i am!!

i plan to do the same thing i did with

the last harry potter.

buy the book and read it straight until i finish.

if that means not eating, going to the bathroom or sleeping

so be it!



everyone should run out now and go get the first two to get caught up.

don't plan on getting it from the library,

lady tremaine went to get them last week

and was told that 88 people are ahead of her!





see you in 39 days!