watch out for the idiot hole

dear alexa,


so....you've had quite the weekend. your heroineing adventure hit newspapers on saturday, you can read it here if you are interested. you know, if your traumatic experience has left you shaken and forgetful.


still confused as to what i am referring to? k, so apparently you were walking in NYC, city of apples, a few days ago. just texting (no doubt something deep and super important that couldn't wait until you not walking)and minding your own business when out of nowhere the ground was no more and you fell. fell into an opened manhole. yes, you were so busy texting your deep thoughts that you totally missed that there was a huge gaping hole in the effing ground!


now the men that were working on this manhole said that they left it unattended for a minute. they left so they could go get some big, bright orange cones to put around the hole. huh, the irony.....


granted, they probably should have left one dude there, while the other went to get the cones, but i am sure they thought that no one would be able to miss the fact that that there was a hole. and certainly no one would be dumb enough to walk into it. congrats 16 year old alexa from staten island, you proved them wrong!!


now, your mama is trying to sue. of course she is. she can't face the neighbors now that the country, or at least the greater tri state area, knows that her child is an effing idiot. so she must place blame on someone else. it shouldn't matter that you weren't paying attention. it shouldn't matter that you were texting. someone should have held your hand and helped you.


so, i guess someone will now suggest that protective padding be placed in or around any inanimate objects, you know something like this:






quick, someone call the mayors office, they need to idiot proof the city,

year of the dork

dear kellan,


i feel really bad, i think when it comes to the twilight crew, especially the twilight fellas, demos and i tend to forget about you. you somehow get lost in the shuffle. that is until a picture like this surfaces:



then i find myself with my mouth open, starring hard and asking the blasphemous question "rob who?" so yes, you are hot. anyone whose eyes aren't broken can see that.

but as i have gotten to know you (that's right, we're secret friends.) over the last few months, i have come to realize, that you are an onion my friend. yes an onion. you are more than a hot face and chiseled body. you actually have layers, very dorky layers.



exhibit A





you have been photographed wearing what i can only assume is a standard issue dork watch. casio class. i mean you even wore it to your birthday party. in vegas. you knew half neked girls would be there right? i don't know, maybe you're involved with some sort of dare with edi. after all he seems to be there every time you are wearing it. either way, it is certainly dwight schrute worthy.




exhibit B





k, i know it's a little hard to see, but that is a pic of you. leaving a hollywood hotspot in a minivan. no, not just leaving in a minivan, you are driving the minivan. um, whose van did you borrow, so you could load up all your friends and go to a club in hopes of meeting a girl? is it your moms? do you have a sister with 4 kids?




i actually like this side of you. i like that you are easy going (even when the paps were teasing you because you drove off in a van. believe me, as your secret friend, i am gonna hunt them down!) i love that you are comfortable with yourself. you are not only hot, but very adorable as well. i really feel that this is the year of the dork. it's our time. it's our time down here.




you are so adorkable,

mrs joe smith?

dear valentine,

i was attending a wedding over the weekend and everything was just lovely. the food, the music, the decor, all of it. as i made my way to my assigned table with dear hubby in tow, i was all set to enjoy my night. thats when i saw it. the name card at our seats said "mr and mrs joe smith". wth.

few things make me as angry as the so called "etiquette" of addressing a lady by her husband's name. why has our society not moved past this antiquated, sexist tradition? is it not enough that i gave up my last name upon marriage, but i'm expected to relinquish my first name too? why is the wife's first name simply absorbed into her husbands?

i flatly refuse to open any letter addressed to "mrs joe smith". she doesn't exist, there is no such person. if they intend for me to read something it better be written to "mrs jane smith" or it gets tossed in the trash (or recycling :)

fighting for women's first names,

p.s. oh, this wouldn't be a demosthenes letter without something perversely hilarious, this is for your enjoyment!

pervert in training

dearjust jared,


i totally love your gossip site, i really and truly do. for some reason, you don't seem as smutty as the others (though, i'm sure you probably are. you all are.) i really don't care about celebrity news quite so much as i do about celebrity pictures. and you are fetch when it comes to the pap snaps.

but why do you insist on only putting your twilight news, pics, updates on your lame teeny site, just jared jr??? i mean if the whole twilight and rpattz phenom has taught us anything, the most rabid fans are not 10 year old girls. oh no, they are 20 and 30 something gals. gals like demos and myself who would (legally i might add) meet him behind a dumpster.

so why lump the awesomeness that is twilight with the lameness that is young (and i mean young) hollywood? for example



Jennette McCurdy has some very exciting news! “capitol records nashville has signed me to a record deal!!!!"

k, so who the fetch are you and why am i supposed to care if you have signed a record deal to produce lame a** music with the likes of miley cyrus and the jobros???
wait, that's right....i don't!

Mitchel Musso rocks out on stage as he performs at The Taste of Chicago 2009

oh geez, another nuthugger wearing, jobros wanna be.....if only i was still in a training bra, then i'd think he was cool.
no. not even then is this dude cool.

Nicholas Braun picks out a pink shirt and strikes a pose

OMG! OMG! OMG! he. is. trying. on. a. fedora!! i can now die happy knowing nicholas (whoever the fetch he is) is a fedora man. *sigh*

i shouldn't have to see or know this!!!

srsly, just jared jr, you are turning me into esther molester, ChiMo at large. with all your making me sift through these youngins to get my twilight and rob fix....

shame on you just jared jr, shame. on. you.

oh the humanity

dear stephanie,

thank you for giving me this award! you are so sweet and makes the absolute cutest clothes! everyone should definitely check out your blog, a pocket full of buttons.

"The Humane Award honors certain bloggers that I feel are kindhearted individuals. They regularly take part in my blog and always leave the sweetest comments. If it wasn’t for them, my site would just be an ordinary blog.

Their blogs are also amazing and are tastefully done on a daily basis. I thank them and look forward to our growing friendships through the blog world.
Link back to the person who gifted you with the award and share the love with other bloggers.”


i am going to pass this onto a mighty m family, one pink fish, and ab home interiors.

you ladies are so great, you leave the best and sweetest comments and your blogs are fetching awesome!

zombie: part 3

dear valentine


woody harrelson + big gun + zombies = awesome

i recently saw the preview for zombieland, and muther effer does it look like the most awesome movie of 2009! will it have much of a plot? probably not. will it have a stellar script? man i hope not.





will it be f*&king amazing? definitely. just look at that picture!!! hes going to smash in a zombies head with a frickin baseball bat!! i think my bra popped open just looking at that!

you will see me in line at the theater on oct 9, for the worlds best zombie-horror-comedy (srsly the worlds best.... cause i think its the only one)



step off twilight, you've gotten nothin on this b*tch,

the reason i watch trueblood

dear jason stackhouse,

k, i must admit, i am not a huge fan of true blood. please, don't throw V at me, it's just that i can't seem to get into it. i find sookie kinda annoying, tara is even worse and the southern accents. oh those accents, is that really what hollywood thinks people in the south sound like?

wait, this wasn't supposed to be a rip on true blood letter, it was supposed to be "hot dang your body is sizzling" kind of letter. i mean, why oh why are we supposed to care about bill when you are running around town? i mean, seriously, i want to stack your house!! k, how is it possible i haven't said that before?

i' m not really digging your whole "church camp" story line. i mean, i have yet to see you make a single lanyard. what the fetch kind of camp is this? i hope you leave the camp soon, it doesn't seem to working out, plus you gotta get out before you show that blonde chick the ways of the "secular world".

i think will stick with you and the show a little longer, i think it might be getting better, maybe not, i don't know. i don't care, as long as you are there in your hot, albeit kinda stupid splendor.




not yet a fan,




p.s. can you tell bill to tone down his scarlet o'hara impressions. i understand he was upset with sookie for "undermining his authority as the makah" but srsly, this is not the burning of terra.