universal truth

dear valentine,

it is a truth, universally acknowledged that there are two kinds of women in the world: bag hags and shoe whores.

I have always identified myself as a bag hag, thinking my love for new purses vs shoes was enough. but just today i realized that i own 19 pairs of shoes and only 8 purses.

jay says bag hags are more "fierce" than shoe whores
:(

what does this mean for me? what am i supposed to say now when people ask me the inevitable question "hag or whore?" (cause, ya know, people ask me that allll the time).



i think i need to seriously re-evaluate my life in light of this new information, and adjust the way i live and interact in the world, knowing that i'm a whore not a hag.

"my name is demosthenes, and i am a shoe whore". what are you?

it's the final countdown

dear new moon,

hot. diggity. dog. ya'll!


the blogging whores (much love supah!) are back!!


sorry for the delay.

it took longer than we thought to kidnap rpattz, smuggle him out of the country and onto our private island in south america.

now that we are back, i have to say:


"hot dang! new moon is almost here!!!"

(do you see the 3 exclamation points? i mean biz-nass.)



two weeks from now, demosthenes and i will be standing in line, with hundreds of other losers, to see this movie at midnight. and if you are lucky, you might even get to see a picture of us. wearing our totally fetch new moon t-shirts, hopped up on caffeine and mad-libs, with no doubt a look in our eyes that clearly says:


"why the h*ll are we up at midnight to watch this lame movie"


now, before i get greased and spooned for that above comment. let me clarify, do i love twilight? yes. do i think this will be an incredible movie? no. but i will love it anyways.



as we are getting closer to the movie, i have prepared a checklist so i won't forget anything;



totally awesome new moon t-shirt to represent the vampire love?

check.


some of the ole red to "pour one out for the homies" (i.e.james)?

check.


classic middle school cut downs for any team jacob or team wolf fans?

check.


practice elbow jabs to stop any 12 year old skanks that try to steal our seats?

check.


brown paper bag (needed to vomit into) when k.stew tries to "act" any feeling other than hunger, tired or horny?

check.



i think i am all ready to go.




see you in 2 weeks,

p.s. you know, whenever i hear someone say "final countdown" i can't help but think of Gob from Arrested Development.





how awesome was that show?

answer: very.

turning dwight-enese

dear dwight schrute,

oh geez! i think i am slowly turning into you. tonight, the hubs (jakt) talked me into watching battlestar galactica. so, thinking i'd watch just the first few minutes to indulge him, i ended up watching 3 hours of it.....

and really liked it......

and wanted to see more episodes.....

what. the. frack???





yeah, that's right, i said frack. i am just as weird and dorky as you!



i guess now i will start asking random people around me if they like BG......



and when they don't, berate them. it is after all the schrute way.





or sporadically start spouting bear attack information

or want my own bobblehead doll

k, actually i do want my own bobblehead. they are frakin sweet!





huh? i don't know. i guess it doesn't sound all bad. maybe i do want to be like you when i grow up. i mean, there are worse people i could want to be.......






bears. beets. battlestar galactica,




p.s. who do you want to be when you grow up?

couple dating

dear how i met your mother,

after watching last weeks episode, it has come to the attention of the hubs and i (srsly, he needs a name. it has been 7 months. i think the man deserves a pseudonym. i think jakt is very fitting).

so it has come to the attention of jakt and i, that there must be something wrong with us.


we have hung out with lots of couples, we think we have a great time, playing charades, watching the office, talking about how awesome we are. they seem to agree. we part ways with the promise of a call and another get together. but yet, the phone never rings for that follow up date.

at first, we blamed it on busy schedules. busy with kids. busy with life. that must be why our phone remained silent. but after awhile, i think we must face the hard. awful truth. that the problem is us.





as we sat, after our most recent fail, drowning our confusion and tears into a gallon of ice cream, it made me wonder what the problem is. are we:






creepy?






weird?







boring?




crazy?





are we destined to roam the earth on a bike built for two instead of four?





are our nights doomed to be dinners for two?






we are to endure all the foursomes that surround and mock us?



oh well, maybe we shouldn't rush into a game of charades with just anyone. maybe we should hold out for mr. and mrs. right. and one day, we too, can be on that bike built for four.



still looking for "the ones"





p.s. sound off- what is your opinion about couple dates?

pesc - a - what?!

dear valentine,

people always have tons of questions for me when they find out i'm vegan. this is one of my favorites: "what do you call someone who is vegetarian but still eats fish?".

first off, what am i the motherf*cking dictionary? why do you assume i have all the answers to your vegan related mysteries? secondly, i do have the answer. but you shouldn't assume that i do, meat eater!a person who eats fish isn't a vegetarian, and i'm sick and effing tired of them thinking they are! they are just a person who eats fish. period. they're not special. and they sure as h*ll aren't in the same league as vegetarians and vegans. (ya, i'm pretentious. what are you going to do about it?)

i guess it stems from the whole, catholics can't eat meat on good friday, but can still eat fish, cause in their eyes fish aren't meat. right. that makes perfect sense. cause, you know, fish don't have hearts, or brains, or feel pain. any one who claims they can still eat fish and be considered a vegetarian is an a**hole and i will punch them in the throat. (i'm looking at you mary tyler moore. your throat is mine).

http://www.vegsoc.org/fish/

pescatarian is a made up word specifically designed to make people feel better about their half a** lifestyle

you were searching for WHAT? Edition 2

dear googlers,

so we did a letter awhile ago, dedicated to you guys and your hilarious searches. srsly, the things that must keep you up at night. the questions that burn in your head until you can get to your nearest computer, then you can go wild, and search the far corners of the inter webs until your strange little hearts content.

the interesting thing (at least to me) is that you are probably looking for something real, and end up with results that are all blogs. and we all know that those are full of idiots who had a bright idea to start blog.......otherwise known as me. one said searcher, even put in "no blogs" in their search, but guess what baby? there is no real information anymore. anyways, you are the ones who think that, but wind up here. congrats!


so here we go:

• jacob commando - believe me, if this pic existed, i would have already found it! alas, it does not, like the mythical unicorn, we will have to close our eyes tight and wish upon a star, that one day, that this search reveals the real deal. (hopefully this day comes when taylor is legal)
  

• call for vampires - sweet! i had NO idea that there was a secret vampire call! do they sell vampire whistles that when blown, (that's what she said) edward cullen comes running? wonder if sharper image carries those.......

• kenneth edward lollipop- what? i don't even want to know what kind of sick kenneth the page and edward cullen role play fantasy you've got planned, but i assure you, you won't find any of that here. even though demos and i love both of these dudes!
  

• pervert in training - okay, i was just kidding when i talked about this before, but now i wonder if i stumbled onto an actual pervert in training class or seminar.....
  

• valentine vs. demosthenes - we have come close to it a few times, believe you me. but in the end, i don't think it'll happen cuz she is my sister and i love her.......that and she'd totally kick. my. trash. but if we ever get to that point, we'll call ya.
  

• who would win a duel between dumbledore and gandalf - well lucky for you, demosthenes has broken down this very question. but after seeing dumbledore set those crazed zombies on fire in the Half Blood Prince, i don't know how demosthenes can defend her gandalf position.
  

• demosthenes style- fetchin' awesome. nuff said.
  

• zombie apocalypse valentine- i know that valentine's day can be a stressful time. apparently it is so stressful for you that you have started your search 4 fetching months early!! but it must be hard trying to find the perfect way to tell that zombie enthusiast in your life, that you love them. since i don't think this kind of card exists, i will help you out, valentine style:

um, you're totally welcome!

• didn't have a plan- well admitting is the first step. and seeking out help, i guess is the second, but you definitely came to the wrong place for that. i never have a plan for this blog. but hey, i don't think most people have cared or noticed, so you are probably fine not having a plan either.

• dulcet sounds - emo edward? is that you?
  

• poster of drowning scene in the titanic movie - you sir, are sick. sick. sick. sick. not only do you want a picture of the drowning scene, in what again? that titanic movie? but you want it in effing poster size! seek help. now.
  

you make googling fun,

i never...

do you ever feel like you get lost in the crowd? that there is very little that distinguishes you from the person next to you? yeah, me too. so here are some things that set me apart from millions of people.

i have never seen:

truth? i've seen parts, but get bored and turn it off.

nothing about this movie appeals to me



crazies who think they can sing being told by crazies that they can't. um, yeah, no thanks.





i didn't cry when watching:

other people died as well you know, not just jack.

i have never had:

an easy bake oven..... sigh

LA Gears. i wanted a pair, but never got them.

i have never:


eaten sushi



seen a boy band in concert



OR

wanted to go to paris





stepping out of the shadow,





p.s. what things have you never?