summer visit

this is a repost. but it is one of my favorites




dear parents, (not mine, because they never take me anywhere)


well, it's that time of year again, school is out and that can only mean one thing, the summer vacation. i know you are really excited to be on that beach, having fun at a theme park or just hanging with family at a reunion (hey, i won't judge if that's your thang....) but i bet you're not looking forward to the long, hot hours in the car or long layover time at the airport. no worries, aunty demosthenes and i are here to help.




according to the package: this wonderful activity is simple, but yet the diversion you need "Every 50 miles your child gets to tear open the corresponding area on the package to reveal a small plastic novelty that should keep them busy temporarily so you can continue on your journey without their incessant nagging." sweet right? i think so, and the tiny plastic pieces are the perfect size for your little one to put in their mouth. a bonus!







nothing lift's a family's spirit on a long car ride more than a good yodel. i know what you're thinking "but, valentine, we don't know how to yodel" i got your back baby, the emergency yodel button. keep this with you at all times and when the need arises, press the button to hear the sweet mellifluous warbling of an alpine yodeler.






these dante's inferno balls are the key to silence. little mouths can't be running if they're being burned by "cinnamon candy forged by demons in the third circle of hell"







don't worry parents, i didn't forget about you, but come on let's be honest, all of the other presents were really for you. but in any case, i got you something that is so very functional and practical, you'll wonder why you didn't always have one.
the beware pick pocket wallet! i remember as a child, my dad was always stressed and worried on vacations because it was costing him an a**load and also the fear of having money stolen from the locals. well, this fantastic wallet will solve one of those problems.

the whimsical stick figure sternly cautions any potential pick pocketer that you mean business and will not put up with their thieving. and if they are so caught trying to steal, you will deliver a swift blow to their windpipe, rendering them unable to breathe...... hey they were warned. k, maybe not, but it's probably still a good deterrent to pick pockets.



well, it's time for us to be off. but, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.



aunty,

Valentine Visit

*** I wrote this post before Valentine's Day, but totally forgot to post it. I know the day has passed, but decided to go ahead and post it anyways!***

dear lovely children,


i know your aunty demosthenes and i have not been around lately. we were going to stop by for christmas, but what can i say? your parents phoned and told us you had been bad and to not bring any more silly presents for you.


well, they clearly don't know us very well, cuz how could we pass up all the lovely love goodies that we found?


love is certainly hard to find, but with this love gun, it just got a little easier. love with literally be in the air. just load up the love gun with one of the tiny cupids and aim it at the girl or boy of your dreams, and they will be yours.

*disclaimer*

we do not guarantee love will occur: bad hygiene, annoying laughs and weird habits must be factored in.

once you've got the girl, guy, person of your dreams, now what? from what i have seen, you can expect constant arguments of why he didn't compliment her new shirt to why she is always calling.

relationships are hard to maintain. but never fear, we've got your back baby ( i have a perpetual love/hate with eric from twilight for introducing that line into my vocabulary)

the love notes ball is here to help when you want to whisper sweet nothings into someones ear, and you can't think any nothings. just shake and look into the heart shaped window for 20 love messages.




and we didn't forget about all you losers single people, if you didn't find love this valentine's day, we have something for you as well:

your very own voodoo doll!

use this 9 inch doll to punish those who have may have wronged you, like that guy who you met at a party and you seemed to hit it off and he said he'd call you, but he never did, or you know, someone else.

stick a pin in the desired area to cause unfortunate events such as, a wine stain, insomnia or a hangnail.


*disclaimer*

please use your new found super powers in a responsible way.

and as always, we didn't forget about your parents:

How to Make Love: Secrets of Wooing from the 1930s. Follow this handy booklet and after 6 months before you know it, you'll be walking her home from church and holding hands on her parents front porch.



my my look at the time, we had better be off. but remember, if you are good, your aunties will be back and with some more awesomely sweet goodies!


aunty

back to school visit

dear school children,


it's that time of year again, when you are heading back to school. your awesome aunty's valentine and demosthenes understand that it can be hard when school starts back up. all the late nights, barbeque's, and sleeping in late are traded in for going to bed early, (before it's dark no less) homework and waking up effing early. to make things a little easier, we have decided to stop by for a visit and bring you some awesome presents.

sometimes what makes school hard is being shy, insecure or maybe just a loner. well, the affirmation ball is here to help. no longer will you have to rely on others to give you the praise you deserve. shake the ball next time you are feeling blue and encouraging words such as "your breath is so minty" and "you look marvelous" will get you through the day.

*this ball also works for the narcissist in your life, no longer will you be required to add to their already big ego.*

the morning routine of a school child is already full of anxiety with out adding the extra stress of how to do your hair. this is where the what shall i wear? decision hair spinner comes in. it takes out all the guesswork and saves you time. all you have to do is flick the plastic spinner and pray like you've never prayed before that it doesn't land on the dorothy hamill. this handy dandy spinner also includes a fold out stand and hanger so you can prop on your dresser or hang by your mirror.

a necessary item for any teenager. what better way to cheer up an emotionally distressed teen than with the despair pennant? this pennant helps drive home what all teens already know, life is a tragedy. celebrate the darker side of life.



usually demos and i will end our visit with a gift to your parents, but we decided that this visit is all about you. you are the ones that are going back to that awful hell. so we are gonna give you an extra gift.

how can you be expected to go to school without a total kick asphalt pirate lunch box? not only is it cool looking, but the pirate emblem is a theft deterrent. i mean, who is gonna steal the lunch of a pirate? believe you me, this lunchbox is gonna raise your coolocity by 100%, trust!

have a great school year,




p.s. don't forget about the awesome giveaway. click here to get signed up.

summer visit

dear parents, (not mine, because they never take me anywhere)


well, it's that time of year again, school is out and that can only mean one thing, the summer vacation. i know you are really excited to be on that beach, having fun at a theme park or just hanging with family at a reunion (hey, i won't judge if that's your thang....) but i bet you're not looking forward to the long, hot hours in the car or long layover time at the airport. no worries, aunty demosthenes and i are here to help.




according to the package: this wonderful activity is simple, but yet the diversion you need "Every 50 miles your child gets to tear open the corresponding area on the package to reveal a small plastic novelty that should keep them busy temporarily so you can continue on your journey without their incessant nagging." sweet right? i think so, and the tiny plastic pieces are the perfect size for your little one to put in their mouth. a bonus!







nothing lift's a family's spirit on a long car ride more than a good yodel. i know what you're thinking "but, valentine, we don't know how to yodel" i got your back baby, the emergency yodel button. keep this with you at all times and when the need arises, press the button to hear the sweet mellifluous warbling of an alpine yodeler.






these dante's inferno balls are the key to silence. little mouths can't be running if they're being burned by "cinnamon candy forged by demons in the third circle of hell"







don't worry parents, i didn't forget about you, but come on let's be honest, all of the other presents were really for you. but in any case, i got you something that is so very functional and practical, you'll wonder why you didn't always have one.
the beware pick pocket wallet! i remember as a child, my dad was always stressed and worried on vacations because it was costing him an a**load and also the fear of having money stolen from the locals. well, this fantastic wallet will solve one of those problems.

the whimsical stick figure sternly cautions any potential pick pocketer that you mean business and will not put up with their thieving. and if they are so caught trying to steal, you will deliver a swift blow to their windpipe, rendering them unable to breathe...... hey they were warned. k, maybe not, but it's probably still a good deterrent to pick pockets.



well, it's time for us to be off. but, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.



aunty,

visit

dear kids,

are you tired of your usual, everyday and boring toys? of course you are, they suck. well, aunty demosthenes and i have a surprise for you!




you can bring the real life experience of a rabid pet into your own home, without your parents freaking out. these fantastic animals are great for hours of fun and entertainment!!




ah, the evil verses good unicorn play set, demos and i, like to think that they are just having philosophical differences:

evil unicorn: "for the last time, mermaids aren't real!"
good unicorn : "eff you evil unicorn, eff u!"




and lastly, we understand that it can be hard to always be thinking of excuses for why you didn't do your homework, clean your room or hang out with the creepy kid across the street. so we got you this awesome excuse ball. the package says it has 20 excuses ranging from "my dog ate it" to "mexican food". so you should be covered for almost any request made of you.



and since your parents are always so kind to let us drop in, we decided to gift them with this corn dog air freshener. if they close their eyes they will be able to almost smell the sweet honey batter, the steamy meat product and the sweat of carnival workers. yum!




well, it's time for us to be off. but if you are real good, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.



aunty,