twilight saga: breaking dawn

dear breaking dawn,

what can i say? i loved you. i really loved you.

everything was much better this time around.

the pacing.

the acting.

while i wasn't a huge fan of the soundtrack (how could there be no MUSE?)

i LOVED that they played the song bella and edward danced to at the prom

in twilight.

i loved that they played bella's lullaby.

i loved the toasts at the reception, this is why the humans need to be

in each movie, their humanity is relatable.

i was happy with isle esme

and not grossed out by the delivery.

i loved the stephenie meyer made a cameo at the wedding.

i loved how gaunt and deathly they made bella.

by the way, kristen stewart may not be a great actress,

but she plays dead very well.

i could have done without the wolves (not a fan)

but since they had to be in there, i thought they were fine.

and how absolutely adorable was that baby???

and i LOVED ending it on bella's eyes!

AGGH! 356 more days until PART 2!!!!

p.s. i LOVED the hunger games trailer that played before

the movie. I guess that will have to get me through

until next november!!!

why it sucked

dear eclipse,


so lady tremaine and i saw you together last week.


and you didn't think we'd treat you any different than

new moon

or

twilight?


good. cuz we're not gonna.


1. actor switch

so lady tremaine and i agreed that riley totally should of

been cast as bella.



i mean, he acted the shiz out of the burning scene.

and they already had a wig.

done. and done.


2. the coordinated cullens




Val: what, did alice coordinate their fight clothes?

Demos: yeah, i can see her saying:

" this is very important to me emmett. i can't fight if we don't match"


3. fancy demetri


what is demetri doing in this scene?

i imagine the convo went something like this:

david slade: k, in this next scene try to act aloof. got it?

demetri: k, got it.

david: action! wait! Cut! Cut!

demetri: what?

david: i said be aloof! not a doof!



4. exercise classy


what is edward wearing? is that a sweater with track pants?

yeah, i think it is.

looks like he is trying to be his towns ron burgundy

"exercise classy, forks!"



5. the sometimes accent


oh my goodness.

bless jaspers little southern heart for really trying to sell that accent.

but just like the ending of new moon, it was laid on a bit too thick.

its like we get it!

You're Southern!

not only that, but i think carlisle got jealous of jaspers special elocution lessons and

decided to get in on the fun,

cuz he was fake accenting right along side with him.





in all fairness, this really should have been titled "why it rocked" .

this really was the best of the series so far, and we really had to dig deep into the barrel to find

stuff to make fun of.

but making fun is funner.

so we did that.


but surprisingly k.stew didn't give me a seizure with her incessant blinking and stuttering.


my mind didn't wander off when the wolves or jacob were on screen.


i loved the eclipse logo at the beginning of the movie.


and the soundtrack totally kick asphalt.

i have been listening to it non stop. still.


and the best part is that we are now this much closer to


BREAKING DAWN!!

when demos and i have too much time on our hands....

dear readers,


awhile back demosthenes and myself did a guest post over at another blog. since some of you might have missed it, decided to repost it here.


warning, this is hilariously dirty!


for those of you who know us, of course we are gonna be ourselves. and let's be honest, we think you prefer us that way. the following are a couple convo's that we have had. can you believe that this started out as an email discussion about a badly translated italian fan letter? and some how the jonas brothers, rpattz chest hair (we like to call it a chest mane) and saute pans got dragged in, then pureed in the food processor that is our brains and reconfigured until we were discussing "fella" names. yeah, that sounds about right.

Demosthenes: .........rob pattinson wouldn't call "his fella" mr. peeps, he'd go for something like big bronco


Valentine: since rob is british, he'd totally go for a formal name. like mr. wickham, handsome, devilish and loves the ladies.


demosthenes: i don't see him naming it something formal, he'd need an ego booster, like The Rhinocerus. what would emmett, from twilight, name it?


valentine: i still love calling it his mr wickham, and when we meet behind the dumpsters, i will say "k, where's johnny wickham"

calling someone's "fella" a rhinocerus is like calling it a giraffe! its kinda weird. and not hot. hmmm....what would emmett call it? the jackhammer? the bear?


demos: okay, i can see that with the giraffe (really, who says that?) but a rhino? come on, that's a beast!!! emmett would call it the jackhammer!! LOL thats perfect for him! and jasper (cullen, from twilight) would call it captain enormous, or something with rank.


val: jasper would go with a ranked name. something like general privates or captain copious, master (sgt) magnificient. these are starting to sound like super hero names.....super hero names that are fetching awesome.


demos: general private! that made me snicker, lol. and carlisle (cullen) would call it Dr Littleton


val: i don't know of many men that would want the word "little" in their peeps name...


demos: can't you see it? carlisle says to esme "did someone page Dr Littleton?" hahahaha, i am laughing as i write this!


val: oh my goodness! can you imagine if carlise had a sex pager? lol that esme would use when she was feeling the need, the need for carlisle's seed. and he would totally show up like in a bad porn.and be like


carlisle: "did someone page dr littleton?"
esme: " yes, i did. i need some of your venom"






demos: how the heck did we start talking about what fictional characters would name their wang?


val: i have NO idea!

* a couple of days later*

demos: mr darcy (pride and prejudice) would totes call his "the gentleman".
"alright ladies, here comes the gentleman!" he would practice his fencing with it in the mirror, lol. "nice play, gentleman, nice play"







demos: heres another one: harry potter would call his the "firebolt" LOL. "line up girls, the firebolt will take you on the ride of your life"



val: oh man, you are on fire! snape (harry potter) would call his the "potion stirrer", hagrid would go off to "tame his dragon" and dumbledore would go off to "make a deposit" in his pensive. oh, was that too far? should i not have dragged dumbledore into this?? lol


d: oh dang, dumbledore! LOL. you know me, nothing is too far! he'd arrive to an appointment with mcgonagall and have spooge stuck in his beard.

mcgonagall : "um professor... you have a little... yes in your beard"

dumbledore: "oh so sorry minerva dear. i do try to be careful but this beard is just so d*mn long!"

harry: "wanna ride my firebolt hermione?"






v: i am dying! that part with dumbledore and mcgonagall, so disgusting and hilarious!


d: ron would want something that sounds tough like "the mighty hypogriff"


v: i think han solo would call it "his wookie" as in he always lets his wookie win.


d: han would make fun of luke by calling his an ewok when they're at the urinal together.

d:richard cypher (legend of the seeker) would call his "the dagger of truth."

"hey kahlan, i have this awesome dagger in my pocket. wanna see?"

don't act like you all weren't thinking this stuff too! we're just the ones with the guts to say it out loud (and then publish it on the interwebs for everyone to see)


&

why it sucked

dear new moon,


awhile back, demos and i discussed why twilight sucked, did you really think we'd do any different for you? you did? oh, that's sweet.

The Cake

despite this cake, that could feed 50 in a house where no one eats, showing up in the trailers, it did not make it to the actual movie. what gives? you didn't have the 10 seconds to show us this cake we had heard so much about? total lamesville!

The Sudden Accent

it's like they suddenly remembered that jasper was supposed to be southern.

"Scarlet O'Hara! jasper is supposed to have an accent!"

"oh yeah, i think i remember reading something in the notes about him being southern....."

"we forgot to do it in twilight, do you think anyone will notice?"

"no, i think we'll be fine"

and not only was the accent southern,

it was southern belle southern (lets see how many more times i can say southern in this sentence.....Southern!)

makes me wonder if they got the dialect coach from true blood to teach him, cuz it sounded similarly craptastic.

The Too Cool for Socks

(i don't have a pic for this, but trust, this is srsly true. demos and i laughed when we saw it! check it out the next time you watch new moon)

look at marcus's feet when we get to volterra......

he is wearing frickin' wicker harachi's!

in the books stephenie mentions that the volturi wear clothes that hinted to older times, i didn't realize she meant the miami vice times.

Introducing Bella Swan as Darth Vader

while i am the first person to say hallelujah that kristen did not strobe light blink

through out the entire break up scene, i am not entirely sure trading it for darth vader breathing was a step up.

major fail award goes to whoever noticed it and let her keep doing it.

Alice's Housecoat

"what is that gawd awesome wet dog smell?"

no alice, the real question is what is that gawd awful thing you are wearing?

is it a blanket (that you subsequently turned into a coat) that you bought from a hippie that was selling it on the side of the road from their van?

you know the van i mean, they are usually blue with some sort of airbrushed design on the side. you know, the people who hang their blankets up on a rope, there is usually one with a giant tiger face.

they also try to sell you handmade soap that they clearly never use.

srsly alice, i've seen cat ladies with better housecoats.

Werewolves, meh

i can't tell you much about the wolves, cuz everytime they were on screen, my mind wandered to mundane and medial tasks that i needed to do. yeah, the wolves were so boring that my mind wandered to reorganizing my kitchen cupboards, and i hate organizing. nuff said.

New Moon Soundtrack





k, i bet you all think that i am gonna say how much i hated the music on the soundtrack, that it was totally depressing, there weren't any great songs, that the twilight soundtrack was so much better. ha! gotcha. i totally loved the music to this movie, what i didn't like was that almost the entire soundtrack was played during the first 30 min. and then we were left with nuffn'

as much as i love chris weitz and what he did with the saga, there is def. room for improvement for eclipse. we're counting on you david slade, don't let us down!

p.s. what do you think made new moon suck?

demos and val on the town

dear new moon,


we went, we saw and we loved.



but here are the events that led up to that moment:



we had to get ready. and of course we did it as we blared the new moon soundtrack. (have you heard it yet? it is totally amazing. emo edward gave it 4 sad faces cuz it's totally depressing.)






gots to look good right? what if edward showed up?




here is my after pic, with ZERO curl in my hair. oh well, it had more body. you got that, it wasn't a total waste of time!



and of course we had to have "sitting around 3 hours early" snacks. which we did. a huge mountain of sour patch kids, twizzlers, swedish fish and reeses pieces. all the classics.

and what better way to wash down all that sugar, than with blood!






i srsly, saw these labels online like 6 months ago, bookmarked them and totally forgot til weds night. that is srsly how i roll.

but, i did remember and in time. even got some awesomely red vitamin water to give it the perfect effect.




we srsly had 3 hours to kill til the movie started, so demos and i decided to do a quick photo op:


yep, i was so excited and spastic that i took a pic of the floor. isn't it pretty?





here is demos, kickin' back some of the ole red.

here i am, doing my best "brooding vampire" face. i think edward would be proud of how serious i was.

and of course, here we are together. make sure to read our boobs shirts. demosthenes went through, well not a lot of trouble, but certainly some trouble to make them. so read them d*mnit!



please disregard my strange face, there was this chick practically freaking out that the theater said "men who stare at goats" and not new moon. after this pic, we reassured her it was right and to shut the hale up!


we went back in and played a few lively games of uno. but had to stop, cuz i was positive the dude behind me was throwing signals to demos to tell her what cards i had. can't trust nobody.


at this point, we still had like 2 fetching hours left. what to do? um, hi, MADLIBS!


but, i don't know where one buys madlibs, so we (and when i say we, i totally mean demos) made up our own.

so, for your entertainment, our new moon themed madlibs. please note that it was about 11:00pm at this point, both had gotten up early, didn't nap and were on a sugar and blood rush. so they may not seem so funny now, but i promise we were rollin at the time.......


One day two shoes went to Forks, WA to watch new moon. rpattz hopped next to them and offered to burp them. kstew saw the two chairs with him and jumped his rickety car.

One day alice called bella to say Peter Pan was in Forks and if she wanted to go to the signing. Bella blurrily said hale yeah! but what about Edward, didn't he want to go to Rivendale? Alice reminded bella that edward was a dirty vamp, so they linked arms and shinely left.

so to sum up the night:

5 hours sitting in a movie theater seat, $10

enough candy to make us vomit, $25

new moon flavored t-shirts, $30

watching rpattz naked chest sparkle in the sun? ORGASMIC. oh wait, i mean "priceless". ya thats the word, i'm looking for.

srsly, seeing him half naked at the end was totes m goats the best thing that happened to me in all of last week. (don't tell my husband

thanks for an awesomely fetch time,

&

the lesser cullen

dear peter facinelli,

i didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this..... i think it would be better coming from some one else. but after seeing the new contest to win your autographed "carlisle cullen" portrait, i knew this conversation couldn't be put off for long.

don't you realize that your twilight character is the lesser cullen? no one really cares about carlisle, we only talk about him when there is NOTHING to say about any of the others. it might have something to do with your mr rogers sweaters, or your crazy a** nose. studies so far have been inconclusive.

carlisle "mr rogers" cullen

but you persist in trying to win over fans. giving away your directors chair from twilight, tweeting constantly about what "carlisle" is up to, giving autographs to fan girls who were really hoping to see rpattz instead. and now this.

please listen to what i'm saying, and stop trying to get the fans to care about you. you are at the very bottom of the vamp A list. h*ll, nosferatu is higher up than you, and he's not even in color.

nosferatu thinks carlisle is a pussy

in fact, i just got an update from my agent. it turns out you've just been downgraded to vampire B list, along with that one vamp from buffy, and these wanna be twilight TV vamps, whose names no one even knows.

you're even at the bottom of my CILF (cullen i'd like to f*ck) list. it goes in this order:

1. edward (was there any doubt?)

2. jasper

3. alice

4. emmet (i'm not really that into the football player types)

5. esme

6. rosealie (she'd be higher up if she weren't such a dick)

7. carlisle

*8. bella

sound off everyone, what does your CILF list look like? (don't try to pretend like you don't have one)

**** update****

peter facinelli just contacted me personally to let me know that i originally forgot to factor bella into my CILF list. bella does indeed become a cullen vamp in book four, and there's no one on the planet i hate more or would want to f*ck less than her. so congratulations carlisle, you're more sexually attractive than the worst literary heroine ever written.

the dulcet sounds of awesome

dear edward cullen,


i don't know if you remember this or not, but demosthenes and i have created in our minds a different version of you, one that we have lovingly monikered "emo edward" (EE). we call him that because he is an emo kid; depressed, moody, loves the dulcet sounds of death cab for cutie. it's funny, over time he has kinda changed a little, into someone who is also slightly feminine, (i'm sure you can't relate to that at all.) you know, he gets frustrated by bella's lack of fashion, upset with emmett and jasper's childish pranks and he never misses a mani/pedi party.

demos and i find ourselves talking about him. alot. we often have convos about the sort of stuff he'd do. it's not that we love emo edward more than you, regular edward, it's just that you are kinda boring (perfect, but boring) and the emo one is just so much fun. at least, we think he would be.

take per example, the day that we were discussing edward's sleeveless shirt from the meadow scene, from the book:

demos: EE would be so mad! beige looks awful with my highlites! he wouldn't be wearing a sleeveless button down to the meadow, but i do think he'd be digging the whole, showing off his pristinely waxed chest muscles


val: LOL are you saying that EE would dig a hole, just to show off his muscles?

bella: "why are you digging that hole?"
EE: "its a vampire thing. i can't talk about it. you won't be safe if you know. "

demos:

bella: "but theres really no reason for a hole to be right here edward, did you ask esme if it was okay to do this?"

EE: "i'm a man, bella. i don't need to ask permission from my mother. man is it hot out here, i think i need to take my shirt off"

bella:"your undead edward, you're always cold."

EE:"oh i'm hot today bella. its a good thing i'm so ripped or this hole would take me forever to dig"

val: lol!! ohhhh, i totally misread what you wrote. i thought you said he'd dig the hole, to show off his muscles. not that he'd dig the whole showing off his muscle thing! but thanks for playing along with my confusion.

demos: ROFLMAO! that is hilarious! i was a little confused about the whole "digging a hole" thing, but i thought it worked, so i was all "okay".

val: *they both stand over the hole looking into it*

bella: "so.....now what. "

ee: "now, i fill it back in. yeah, yeah, its an old vampire custom."

bella: "i don't think that is true. i goggled about vampires remember. and it didn't say anything like that"

demos: emmet would walk by and piss in his hole while he's digging it!

bella: "see!! i knew this wasn't a vampire thing! he just peed in your stupid hole!"

*another day, another convo*

val: do you ever wish EE was real? i do. i think he'd be hilarious to hang out with. he'd totally have dramatic exits and entrances. like arrive at bella's house wearing a cape!

demos: the cape would be gold to match his eyes! *sigh* i do wish ee were real. we'd be best friends!

val: i am so glad that you also wish he was real. and he'd totally match his eyes to the cape, because anything worth doing is worth doing in style.


demos: That is totes EE's motto!

yes, the above convo's are pretty much how we spend our entire workday. don't tell my boss, she thinks i am hard at work, not role playing with demosthenes.

anything worth doing is worth doing awesome,

winners! and answers.

dear readers,

hot diggity dog, ya'll!! so, as promised i am gonna announce the winners of our first giveaway, it was a lot of fun and thank you to everyone that participated.

so, the winners are:

debilyn

and

clare



* as an extra bonus, if you want, you can grab the "Your Blog is Fetch" button and stick it on your blog. *



congrats guys! email me your info and i will get your frame out to you shortly.



now, onto other biznass, your questions.

debilyn asked: "of the two of you, which one is the "mother hen"?

D: totes val. no way its me.
V: yeah, it's me. LOL i am such a worrier!


might m asked: "What is your all time favorite movie or series of movies??"

V: srsly, i can only have one? k, um, black hawk down. the hubs and i saw it on our first date. and i love war movies.
D: that would be eternal sunshine of the spotless mind


hotpants asked:"what's your favorite Adam Sandler movie? If you don't have one, we can't be friends.

D: we can't be friends :(
V: geez demos! um, i liked 50 first dates.


d2the4thpower asked:"Which way does your toilet paper hang? Under or over?"

V: i like it under, but it tends to be both ways.
D: it goes both ways ;)


kathie asked:how do you post? do you just type it up and post on a whim or do you take notes, plan out what you're going to say then write a draft, edit, etc. and then post?

D:mostly i just post based on whatever ridiculous conversation i'm having with valentine that day.

V: i never. never post without extensive editing. i don't take notes, but sometimes, usually at work, if i have an idea, i'll start a draft real quick and finish it when i get home. i get my ideas from just jared (not just jared jr) and weird convos with demosthenes.


clare asked:"Do you both like the same kind of movies or do you have a definite difference of opinion?"

D: NO. val likes crappy movies and i like awesome movies:)
V: hey now! my movies aren't crappy, just because they tend to be of the female persuasion....okay, yeah, they tend to be lame, but i love 'em.


kristina asked: "What is your favorite thing about me?"

D: that you asked such an awesome question
V: that you're snuggie-licious.


one pink fish asked: "What is your favorite vampire book series or movie?"

D: do i really have to answer that question? do you read our blog at all? :)
V: twilight! it's all we talk about and drives everyone around us insane.


kimi asked: "who is older V or D?"

V: me! by a year and a half.
D: val :(


supah~d asked: "favorite michael jackson song and why or if you hate on him... why"

D: thriller, its the only one i know.....
V: thanks for stealing my answer.....ooh! got one, beat it! thank you google.


foxy asked:"team edward or jacob?"

V: team edward, jacob is too obnoxious.
D: totes team edward. i lost all interest in jacob when he mouth raped bella in book 3. (and she forgives him????)
V: mouth raped?? sweet! lol

amy asked: D: "If you were a disney villian who would you be? and why?"


D: OMG! you must know me, you could not have asked a more perfect question for demosthenes. i didn't even have to think about it, my answer is as automatic as my name. maleficient. she is one bada** b*tch.

orange juice asked: "Where did your obsession with all things monsters come from?"

D: i'm pretty sure i'm the one with the monster obsession, not valentine. i don't know where it came from, but if you don't heart zombies, aliens, dragons, rancors, balrogs and wraiths... then there's something wrong with YOU!
V: yeah, that is all demos, the only monsters i love are the cullen's. but i do find zombies to be funny....


it's all good asked: "What's your fav pizza topping?"

V: cheese. i'm boring
D: puppies and kittens
V: what?? lol



k, on that note....... we will finish answering the rest of the questions in another post.


thanks for playing along,

twi fashion (or lack there of)

dear valentine,


apparently stephanie meyer isn't the only one with a case of sexually transmitted broken eyes. it seems to be spreading throughout the series and infecting everyone who comes into contact with twilight.

here is some more bad twi fashion for your enjoyment, this time from the movies.

isn't there some rule about not wearing white past labor day? or maybe it was don't wear white past 1987? and to especially never wear white with..... more white.

alice, the homeless "cat" lady down the street wants her coat back. (i'm pretty sure this coat is made of actual cat fur)

now don't get me wrong, i LOVE this jacket. and when i say i love this jacket i mean i want to wear it. as in, i'm pretty sure its a womans jacket, and theres no way he bought this in the mens section. very manly edward. very manly.



side note: what the what kind of gloves are on bella's hands in this pic?!?! is she getting ready to handle radioactive material? or is she trying to hide the fact that her hands are slowly transforming into alien tentacles like wikus in District 9?)

bella and alice apparently ripped off the homeless cat lady together, then flipped a coin to see who got to keep the ugly sweater and who got to keep the cat fur coat. i have to wonder, does it still smell like gin and cat pee?

the bar has been set david slade. its up to you now to maintain an atrocious fashion sense in eclipse. we'll be watching.




p.s. don't forget to join the fun and email us your honest movie poster!

frailty, thy name is stephenie meyer

* this post has an effing, fetching, hilarious letter warning*

dear stephanie meyer,


i gave you fair warning last week, your time has come. wth were you thinking when you wrote out the clothing descriptions for your characters?!?! are your eyes broken? do you have sexually transmitted fugly clothes disease?

maybe i’m being too harsh, and you just don’t own any magazines that were printed after 1993. or you had to browse your high school year book for fashion inspiration. i will let LFV readers be the judge.


here is my best visual representation of your terrible fashion descriptions in twilight.

exhibit a:

edward and bella are dining out at port angeles and we get the very first description of edwards clothes. the most perfectly handsome man in the world, and you dress him in an “ivory turtleneck sweater with a light beige leather jacket”. wtf? anyone who still owns a turtleneck needs to relinquish any and all cool points awarded in my last post. (i can’t help it, i don’t make the rules)

exhibit b:

the meadow scene is one of the sweetest and most tender scenes in the whole series. and he’s dressed like chuck norris in a bad 70’s cop flick. (note to readers, in the book his shirt is actually unbuttoned down his stomach, showing off his chest too.... who does that? chester sex offender much?)

exhibit c:

and in new moon you manage to introduce a vampire tranny to young impressionable minds. i’m talking about heidi of course. she’s wearing “dark tights, the shortest of mini skirts, and a long sleeved, high necked but close fitting red vinyl shirt.” what the what? red vinyl shirt?

as in all her friends get stuck to her when they give her hugs? i couldn't even find a single picture of a red vinyl shirt when googling for this post. i found this shirt when i googled “michael jackson red leather shirt”. no sh*t, true story.

exhibit d:

in breaking dawn, alice builds bella an enormous walk in closet that is larger than her master bedroom, and what is it filled with? this:

oh stephanie, sigh. what would we do without your books? we would definitely have a lot less laughter in our lives, and we'd prolly be much more productive at work.

p.s. as always, we should mention that we absolutely LOVE you and your incredible books, just not your choice of their clothes ~valentine~