Sunday, December 20, 2009

teetering on tweetering

dear LFV readers,

i did it. i know. i am kinda in shock.

but it sounded like it might be fun. and everyone else is doing it.

and if memory serves right, i remember my mom always mentioning something about doing stuff just because everyone else was.......

so here it is:

stop by. say hi.


be fetch and follow.

please, i don't want to be a tweeter loser.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

team lame

dear company that i work for,

so this year for christmas, you decided to gift your employees with hoodies. hoodies that not only have our department name on them, but also our logo on the back......

while many of my coworkers find them cool (clearly they are lame) they make me feel like i am a
mathlete .

or part of the chess club

like a group of nerds that get together and feel jealous that the football team has jackets, so why can't we?

"take that socially popular football players!!"

so fine, we have them. whatever. but everyone (minus me) wears them while at work. while that wouldn't be too bad, everyone wears them with the hoods on and they are black jackets......

great. now we look like some crazed cult or even better. the uni bomber.

but they are warm. and my office is fetching cold. so i will wear it. sometimes. begrudingly.

but if someone suggests we all get our names embroidered on them, i'm out!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

major christmas card FAIL

dear valentine,

i posted once a long time ago about how irritating it is when people refer to me as "mrs john doe". i'm a person and i have a name, and guess what? ITS NOT MY HUSBANDS NAME!

so my church (read: extremely patriarchal sexism machine) sends out christmas cards every year to each family. last year i got the standard "mrs john doe" treatment. imagine my shock and horror when i saw this years card. it was addressed to "john doe" (or as we know my hubby on this blog, "vincent vega"). thats it. i didnt even get a "mrs" (much less a "demosthenes"), i was left off the card completely! WTH??

have i actually become the invisibility wielding Mutant Paladin from my last post? have they forgotten i exist? no, i suppose the obvious answer is that i, as a woman, am expected to be content to define my life by husbands life, without a job, interests, contributions, or even a name of my own.

i would say something to the person who mailed out the card, but i know i would be met with the condescending attitude that sexist men and women reserve for "radical feminists". all i want is to be recognized as human being. recognized for my existence as a separate entity from my husband. is that so much to ask? is that so "radical"?

Friday, December 11, 2009

mutant x

i know this post is a little late. its friday, what can i say?

so you all know i'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to sci fi/fantasy stuff. and so it shouldn't surprise you that i have a fair number of conversations about weird sci fi stuff in my everyday life.

my hubby (we'll call him vincent vega) and i were talking a few days ago, and we began wondering what type of mutant powers we would have if we were X Men and what would our mutant names be?

of course i dragged valentine into this, and heres how it went down:

D: last night me and vincent vaga were talking about, if we were a Mutant on Xmen what would our mutant power be and what would our mutant names be. what would yours be?

V: k, i am awful at this stuff, so i think i would be gladryn and my power would be super strength, i guess

D: LOL, gladryn? thats a terrible mutant name! LOL, thats like an elven name or an aes sedai name! LOL mutant names are typically real words or similar to real words, (storm, cyclops, beast, phoenix, polaris, nightcrawler, wolverine, magneto, rogue, etc). so, if your power is super strength your name should be something like Power, or Charger, or Dynamo, or something. keep working on it! LOL

V: how about storm?

D: LOL, your getting warmer, but thats already a mutant! i will just pick a name for you. you shall now be known as Rampage.

so here's how it stands:

demosthenes: named Paladin, and has the power of invisibility
vincent vega: Audubon, and can run/move super fast
valentine: would have super strength, and (thanks to me :) would be called Rampage (not gladryn, that would be lame :)

sound off! what would your mutant powers and name be? would you fight for the xmen or with Magneto?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

greatest christmas decoration evah

dear valentine,

why are other people always so much more clever than me? i never seem to be the one coming up with kick a** ideas like this one:

if you freaked out for a second, don't worry thats a normal (and i might add "comforting") reaction. in fact, anyone who was not slightly alarmed/concerned after first seeing this photo, might be damned to hell for all eternity, you heartless b*tches. just sayin' ;)

but we can all relax, this is actually just a christmas decoration, and the best f*ckin one i've ever seen. unfortunately, though understandably, the police made zir take it down after just 2 days, due to all the heroic rescue attempts from passersby.

happy holidays!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

win a date with matthew bellamy

*** Edited to add, this is Matthew Bellamy. He is the lead guitarist/singer of the band Muse, who totally kick asphalt***

dear matthew,

you know how celebs are always offering to have lunch with winners from contests and such. i'd totally love to win a day (or night, cuz i'm guessing you're not really a morning day person) with you.

and i imagine that this is how it'd go down. yes, hold on for some totally fetch valentine theater!!!

you arrive an hour late. i was left waiting on the corner of hooker and druggy. not cool!

once your finally arrive, you mumble something unintelligible about a fight with a dolphin and a life long ban from sea world.

i ask where we're going to lunch. this being my first time in LA i am hoping for some awesome exclusive place i read in my celeb mags.

your answer, fuddruckers

you love the name. it makes you giggle everytime.

on the way, we pass an FYE. you yell at the driver to stop. next thing i know you have gotten into a fight with a walker texas ranger chuck norris cut out. he was starring you down and he has been asking for it for awhile. we get kicked out of the FYE, but not before you totally kick his a**

you tell me a joke about this guy that walks into a gas station, asks for some cigs, the gas station dude is all rude and stuff and the first fuy punches him in the ear. oh wait, that wasn't a joke, it's what you did last wednesday.

as we head to a club, we pass a post office, you start shouting out


and torch the place.

okay........that was weird. but i decide to go along with it cuz the postal lady is always up in my face about me not marking out the logos from my preused boxs.

this is some total bad a**-ery.

we go back to your place, you start to serenade me with endlessly (the hottest song ever) but only get halfway through it before you puke. a little gets on my shoes. i'm pissed.

you move in to get things started, but as you start to lean in, you pass out and land pretty hard on the floor. i get up and leave. it's fine, i wasn't planning on doing anything with you anyways. i am a loyal kinda gal.

i picked you for my celeb "lunch" cuz i'd get a totally awesome story to tell for the rest of my life without the inevitable walk of shame the next mornin'

rock on matthew, rock on!

p.s. who would be your celebrity that you'd have "lunch" with.....

Friday, December 4, 2009

lady tremaine

dear LFV readers

so you all know my awesome sister demosthenes, so now i wanted to introduce you to my very sweet and hilarious, older sister, she insists we call her lady tremaine (yeah, the mean step mama from cinderella.) don't ask

yes, she is hilarious, though often times unintentionally. she sees the world a different way than me, and i enjoy her insight

i think she is the only adult in the world that takes pinky swears srsly. she treats them as though they are the unbreakable vow. she called me concerned that she had pinky swore with someone and she fully intended to break the promise. she was concerned about what to do

i will never forget a hilarious convo we had about twilight:

lt: so don't people notice that carlisle doesn't age

v: yes, that is why they move around alot

lt: how can he do that? what about social security? don't they ever notice

v: i don't know, maybe he changes his name sometimes. they also have a guy that forges documents for them.

lt: doesn't he notice that they don't age

v: i don't think he cares, they pay him good money

lt: doesn't he care that he is forging papers for vampires

v: he's a FORGER......i don't think he asks questions. ever

lt: how did carlisle make his money

v: i don't know. *sighing* maybe he put some money in the bank 300 years ago and now he lives off the interest.

i love that her main concerns are that carlisle pay his taxes and that an illegal document forger doesn't aid vampires

despite her sometime confusion, she is incredibly creative and talented. she is sweet and caring. she has tender heart and has been supportive of this blog since the beginning. she is super fetch

totally love her,

Thursday, December 3, 2009

H1N1 pie

dear valentine,

thanksgiving holiday sucks monkey balls. it is my least fav holiday ever. its def suckier than halloween, and i think even crappier than valentines day (although the extra time off work for thanksgiving is super amazing).

i mean srsly, the decorations suck, the overindulgence on food makes me feel like crap, and then all teh dudes want to watch football all f*ckin day. (although in DH family, his dad makes all the guys go play the "gee-tar" with him which means a little less football on the tv).

but the shining light on this crap-fest of a holiday is my delectable vegan pumpkin pie.

(NO KITTEH!!! this is my pot pie!! bad kitteh!!)

i make one pumpkin pie every year, and its amazing. i bake it in a graham cracker crust which is even more amazing. (i hate normal pie crusts, i think they must be a communist invention with the sole purpose of ruining pie, and thereby destroying the capitalist free market system). and i take said amazing pie every year to the family thanksgiving dinner where it sits among about 10 other pumpkin pies (none of which are vegan).

and every year, without fail, the same family members want to try my pie, for no other reason than because its vegan. IT TASTES EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT DID LAST YEAR! there is only one vegan pie to be shared amongst three vegans, GO EAT YOUR OWN EFFING REGULAR PIE!!!!

this year we labeled the box "H1N1 pie" and hid it in the kitchen with the hopes that no one would see it, but if they did, perhaps they would confuse it with some twisted thanksgiving terrorist plot.

and guess what? this year NO ONE else in my entire family made pumpkin pie.

(guess its a good thing i finally decided to make two!)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

wonderful christmas time

dear christmas,

i am tired of your songs. i know, you're probably thinking, 'how is that possible? it's only dec 1!' well, here in the wonderful land of utah, we have a radio station that believes it is its job to kill christmas before it even starts. they have been playing your songs for almost a month now.

to be fair, when i say i am tired of the songs, not all of them. of course i have my favorites, but there are those handful that if i hear it again, i srsly might have some sort of screaming fit. (something reminiscent of bella's bad dreams in new moon)

santa baby

i really can't stand this song. never mind that whoever sings it, sings it like a demented betty boop. but i associate it with christmas parties as a child where no doubt, a couple of single, slightly off cat ladies would get up and sing it. i guess in hopes that father christmas puts a man under her tree.

the christmas shoes

i don't care if you think i am a heartless bastard. i hate this song. what the eff is it even about? children who don't have shoes? children who want to buy shoes? i don't get it. plus, i srsly dislike anything, ANYTHING that tries to play off my emotions and pulls at my heart strings. (side note: what does that expression even mean? how is that not the creepiest visual ever, that your heart has strings. total grossness.)

washed up "pop star" remakes

why does every pop star (and yes, i use that term very. very loosely) feel the need to take an already wonderful song and put "their own spin" on it, i.e. make it crappier. why do they always seem to be warbling it in? you are not whitney houston. stop trying. i am sorry that your sad career is drying up and your sales are slumping, but that is no reason to ruin christmas.

but to balance this out and so you don't think i am some sort of scrooge, i do have my favorites as well.

i want a hippopotamus for christmas

srsly, what an incredibly strange and totally awesome christmas song. and is it sung by a midget woman? those are some srs pipes on that girl. see, another reason why i love this song. no one sings like this anymore. and what the h*ll is a hippo hero?

a wonderful christmas time

i am not a big paul mccartney fan, but i love this song. okay, i love the video to this song. him and his friends running around in very, very fake snow. it's simple. its easy to sing along with. totally love it.

last christmas

okay, i also love this one cuz of the vid. a totally cheesy love/christmas song while on a skiing holiday. does it get better than that?

feliz navidad

i have fond memories of this song. each year, my parents would load all of us kids in the van and we'd drive around looking at christmas lights. no doubt, each year, this song would be playing on the radio. we would sing it so loud, we were practically shouting. ah, good times.

p.s. speak out- which christmas songs do you love? which ones do you hate?

Monday, November 23, 2009

demos and val on the town

dear new moon,

we went, we saw and we loved.

but here are the events that led up to that moment:

we had to get ready. and of course we did it as we blared the new moon soundtrack. (have you heard it yet? it is totally amazing. emo edward gave it 4 sad faces cuz it's totally depressing.)

gots to look good right? what if edward showed up?

here is my after pic, with ZERO curl in my hair. oh well, it had more body. you got that, it wasn't a total waste of time!

and of course we had to have "sitting around 3 hours early" snacks. which we did. a huge mountain of sour patch kids, twizzlers, swedish fish and reeses pieces. all the classics.

and what better way to wash down all that sugar, than with blood!

i srsly, saw these labels online like 6 months ago, bookmarked them and totally forgot til weds night. that is srsly how i roll.

but, i did remember and in time. even got some awesomely red vitamin water to give it the perfect effect.

we srsly had 3 hours to kill til the movie started, so demos and i decided to do a quick photo op:

yep, i was so excited and spastic that i took a pic of the floor. isn't it pretty?

here is demos, kickin' back some of the ole red.

here i am, doing my best "brooding vampire" face. i think edward would be proud of how serious i was.

and of course, here we are together. make sure to read our boobs shirts. demosthenes went through, well not a lot of trouble, but certainly some trouble to make them. so read them d*mnit!

please disregard my strange face, there was this chick practically freaking out that the theater said "men who stare at goats" and not new moon. after this pic, we reassured her it was right and to shut the hale up!

we went back in and played a few lively games of uno. but had to stop, cuz i was positive the dude behind me was throwing signals to demos to tell her what cards i had. can't trust nobody.

at this point, we still had like 2 fetching hours left. what to do? um, hi, MADLIBS!

but, i don't know where one buys madlibs, so we (and when i say we, i totally mean demos) made up our own.

so, for your entertainment, our new moon themed madlibs. please note that it was about 11:00pm at this point, both had gotten up early, didn't nap and were on a sugar and blood rush. so they may not seem so funny now, but i promise we were rollin at the time.......

One day two shoes went to Forks, WA to watch new moon. rpattz hopped next to them and offered to burp them. kstew saw the two chairs with him and jumped his rickety car.

One day alice called bella to say Peter Pan was in Forks and if she wanted to go to the signing. Bella blurrily said hale yeah! but what about Edward, didn't he want to go to Rivendale? Alice reminded bella that edward was a dirty vamp, so they linked arms and shinely left.

so to sum up the night:

5 hours sitting in a movie theater seat, $10

enough candy to make us vomit, $25

new moon flavored t-shirts, $30

watching rpattz naked chest sparkle in the sun? ORGASMIC. oh wait, i mean "priceless". ya thats the word, i'm looking for.

srsly, seeing him half naked at the end was totes m goats the best thing that happened to me in all of last week. (don't tell my husband

thanks for an awesomely fetch time,


Tuesday, November 17, 2009

we interrupt......

dear LFV readers,

demosthenes is in town! yep, flew in, special delivery for new moon.

so, i won't be here. again.

but can you blame me? if your sister, who is super awesome and cool, came to visit, wouldn't you skeez out while she was here?

i knew you'd understand.

i'll be back on friday......maybe saturday. depends on how wild we get on opening night.

and will def. have pics to post (but no spoilers. promise. double pinky swear) of our fun night.

will also be on the hunt for the most supes lame twi fan that night. hint, i think it might be us!!

rockin it sister style,

p.s. i just noticed that i had the comments turned off. why does that keep happening???

Friday, November 13, 2009

happy b-day demosthenes!

dear demosthenes,

Happy, Happy, Happy, Birthday Kiki!!!
on this, your 25th birthday(holy crap, are you srsly 25 now??)

i just wanted to write a letter to you. to let you know why i love you being my sister and my blogner in crime.

why i love you:

you wish EE was real.

you go along with our "role play" even if it makes no sense

you find me funny, even if i'm not.

you have insane knowledge of twilight, harry potter and star wars trivia.

you keep me company at work.

you make me laugh. alot.

you are super creative.

you are hilarious.

you have a fun fashion sense.

you always find the craziest stuff that the interwebs have to offer.

you like the same lame shows as me, i.e. the legend of the seeker.

you are fearless.


thanks for being my friend for 25 years,

p.s. that totally fetch cake, is actually a creation of demosthenes. that's right, she totally made it. isn't she super talented???

Thursday, November 12, 2009

facebook to the rescue

dear facebook,

so you have gotten a lot of grief lately, selling users personal information without them knowing it, hackers have broken in and stolen users information. basically a lot of stealing information has been going on.

but finally, facebook has been hasn't done something bad, but rather, saved a kid from a 25 year prison sentence.

teenager, rodney bradford, was held for 13 days by police for breaking into a brooklyn residence. fortunately for him, at the time of the crime, he updated his facebook status, that showed he was making pancakes at the time.

the case was dismissed.

so the lesson to be learned here kids. whenever committing a crime, make sure you update your status that you are doing something other than the said crime. i'd recommend tweeting something like:

"busy taking a massive crap. not going ANYWHERE.

man, bathrooms sure are boring"

"just finished looking at the vanity fair outtakes of rob pattinson. now have girlwood. need to take care of biznass"

"deep into convo with demos as to who is the more swoon worthy: mr. darcy or edward. this could take awhile"

p.s. what excuse would you use?

Friday, November 6, 2009

universal truth

dear valentine,

it is a truth, universally acknowledged that there are two kinds of women in the world: bag hags and shoe whores.

I have always identified myself as a bag hag, thinking my love for new purses vs shoes was enough. but just today i realized that i own 19 pairs of shoes and only 8 purses.

jay says bag hags are more "fierce" than shoe whores

what does this mean for me? what am i supposed to say now when people ask me the inevitable question "hag or whore?" (cause, ya know, people ask me that allll the time).

i think i need to seriously re-evaluate my life in light of this new information, and adjust the way i live and interact in the world, knowing that i'm a whore not a hag.

"my name is demosthenes, and i am a shoe whore". what are you?

Thursday, November 5, 2009

it's the final countdown

dear new moon,

hot. diggity. dog. ya'll!

the blogging whores (much love supah!) are back!!

sorry for the delay.

it took longer than we thought to kidnap rpattz, smuggle him out of the country and onto our private island in south america.

now that we are back, i have to say:

"hot dang! new moon is almost here!!!"

(do you see the 3 exclamation points? i mean biz-nass.)

two weeks from now, demosthenes and i will be standing in line, with hundreds of other losers, to see this movie at midnight. and if you are lucky, you might even get to see a picture of us. wearing our totally fetch new moon t-shirts, hopped up on caffeine and mad-libs, with no doubt a look in our eyes that clearly says:

"why the h*ll are we up at midnight to watch this lame movie"

now, before i get greased and spooned for that above comment. let me clarify, do i love twilight? yes. do i think this will be an incredible movie? no. but i will love it anyways.

as we are getting closer to the movie, i have prepared a checklist so i won't forget anything;

totally awesome new moon t-shirt to represent the vampire love?


some of the ole red to "pour one out for the homies" (i.e.james)?


classic middle school cut downs for any team jacob or team wolf fans?


practice elbow jabs to stop any 12 year old skanks that try to steal our seats?


brown paper bag (needed to vomit into) when k.stew tries to "act" any feeling other than hunger, tired or horny?


i think i am all ready to go.

see you in 2 weeks,

p.s. you know, whenever i hear someone say "final countdown" i can't help but think of Gob from Arrested Development.

how awesome was that show?

answer: very.

Wednesday, October 21, 2009

turning dwight-enese

dear dwight schrute,

oh geez! i think i am slowly turning into you. tonight, the hubs (jakt) talked me into watching battlestar galactica. so, thinking i'd watch just the first few minutes to indulge him, i ended up watching 3 hours of it.....

and really liked it......

and wanted to see more episodes.....

what. the. frack???

yeah, that's right, i said frack. i am just as weird and dorky as you!

i guess now i will start asking random people around me if they like BG......

and when they don't, berate them. it is after all the schrute way.

or sporadically start spouting bear attack information

or want my own bobblehead doll
k, actually i do want my own bobblehead. they are frakin sweet!

huh? i don't know. i guess it doesn't sound all bad. maybe i do want to be like you when i grow up. i mean, there are worse people i could want to be.......

bears. beets. battlestar galactica,

p.s. who do you want to be when you grow up?

Monday, October 19, 2009

couple dating

dear how i met your mother,

after watching last weeks episode, it has come to the attention of the hubs and i (srsly, he needs a name. it has been 7 months. i think the man deserves a pseudonym. i think jakt is very fitting).
so it has come to the attention of jakt and i, that there must be something wrong with us.

we have hung out with lots of couples, we think we have a great time, playing charades, watching the office, talking about how awesome we are. they seem to agree. we part ways with the promise of a call and another get together. but yet, the phone never rings for that follow up date.

at first, we blamed it on busy schedules. busy with kids. busy with life. that must be why our phone remained silent. but after awhile, i think we must face the hard. awful truth. that the problem is us.

as we sat, after our most recent fail, drowning our confusion and tears into a gallon of ice cream, it made me wonder what the problem is. are we:





are we destined to roam the earth on a bike built for two instead of four?

are our nights doomed to be dinners for two?

we are to endure all the foursomes that surround and mock us?

oh well, maybe we shouldn't rush into a game of charades with just anyone. maybe we should hold out for mr. and mrs. right. and one day, we too, can be on that bike built for four.

still looking for "the ones"

p.s. sound off- what is your opinion about couple dates?

Thursday, October 15, 2009

pesc - a - what?!

dear valentine,

people always have tons of questions for me when they find out i'm vegan. this is one of my favorites: "what do you call someone who is vegetarian but still eats fish?".

first off, what am i the motherf*cking dictionary? why do you assume i have all the answers to your vegan related mysteries? secondly, i do have the answer. but you shouldn't assume that i do, meat eater!a person who eats fish isn't a vegetarian, and i'm sick and effing tired of them thinking they are! they are just a person who eats fish. period. they're not special. and they sure as h*ll aren't in the same league as vegetarians and vegans. (ya, i'm pretentious. what are you going to do about it?)

i guess it stems from the whole, catholics can't eat meat on good friday, but can still eat fish, cause in their eyes fish aren't meat. right. that makes perfect sense. cause, you know, fish don't have hearts, or brains, or feel pain. any one who claims they can still eat fish and be considered a vegetarian is an a**hole and i will punch them in the throat. (i'm looking at you mary tyler moore. your throat is mine).

pescatarian is a made up word specifically designed to make people feel better about their half a** lifestyle