better late then never....right?

dear thieving old guy,

So apparently you walked into a seattle sears recently and gave them $100.

its to repay the $20 you stole back in the 1940s.....

apparently you conscience got to you....

60 years later....

i realize this is supposed to be a heart warming tale

an inspiring tale, that there is good in all of us. (including you)

yeah, the cynic in me is shouting:

it took you 60 effing years to get around to doing this??

has your conscience been on vacation for 60 years?

you clearly need to replace your conscience because it has been drunk at the wheel!!

sincerely,

valentine

p.s. i will acknowledge that it was nice of you to add interest on. that is something right?

when things go wang. i mean *wrong*.

dear damn you autocorrect,



you are my new favorite

kill time at work website.

why?

check out these iphone autocorrects

*warning, while these are totally hilarious, they may be construed as offensive.

so if you offend easily, you are at the wrong blog and should leave.*























see what i mean? high-larious,

toddlers and tiaras: rise of the oversexed toddler

dear LFV readers,

in honor of Toddlers and Tiaras having their season 3 premiere yesterday, i thought i'd repost a letter that demosthenes wrote last august.

it is such an awesome letter, that it is actually our highest viewed post.

ever.

its that good.

so you should definitely read it. again.

dear valentine,


i only managed to sit through about 15 minutes of this show, so i guess there's the slight possibility that i'm not being a fair critic. but i just about threw up. these crazy a** mom's are having their tiny babies prance around like whores on a street corner.


how nice of these mom's to put their 2-3 year old daughters in sexy clothes and display them so that all those chester child molesters can have a good time. it saves them the trouble of trying to hide their child porn from their wives.

as if young girls in america didn't have enough problems with self esteem and body image to begin with. these moms had the bright idea of indoctrinating their daughters from infancy that to be beautiful requires make up, perfectly styled hair, a tan, and provocative clothes. because no woman could possibly be considered beautiful if she *gasp* just looked the way God made her.


well done mom's, well done. now all you have to do is make sure your girls develop an eating disorder by 15, and get hooked on coke to stay thin by 18, and you'll have achieved a well and truly f*cked up daughter. congratulations.






the pageant mom's freely talk about the process for getting their kids ready for a show. lets see, fake eyelashes... check. fake spray tans.... check. big fake hair extensions.... check. fake teeth because your toddlers real baby teeth are falling out.... check. now some 80's looking hooker make up and we're all set!


srsly? what's the point of having a contest if everything on their bodies is fake? what are you judging, which brand of spray tanner coats the most evenly? its like having a contest to see which pie is best, but all the pies are made of plastic.


a 7 year old on the show actually said this: "i want to be a cheerleader, cause i like to show my belly and thats what they do". what a wonderful moral for her to be learning. a little whore in the making. i think i just shed a tear.


i think we all need something to wash down that sh*t soda, so heres a super awesome photo to take our minds off the destruction of a generation (yes, thats the cutest f*cking marmoset you've ever seen)

Random Funny

dear LFV readers who have not totally given up on us,




wow, things have been kinda crazy and we have slacked off.


completely.


i started a new job a couple of weeks ago


and


i am now a federal employee


HOLLA!


so, my brain has been totally frazzled


trying to learn a new job,



driving an extra 2 hours a day



and



getting up 2 hours earlier



needless to say, i have not been feelin the funny.



Especially since i have been flying solo.


SUMMER
(i.e. wedding season)


is demo's busiest time of year


so i don't even expect to talk to her til sept!


but like stella, i'm am slowly


starting to get my groove back.


k, so i am not big into forwards.


like, not at all.


if i wanted to see animals dressed like people


i'd pick up one of the wondering dogs outside of chinese restaurants,


bring it home and do it myself.



but against my better judgement, i read this one, and it made me laugh.

like really laugh.


so i'd thought i'd share it




to maintain a healthy level of insanity:



1. At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.... See If They Slow Down.


2. Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't Disguise Your Voice!


3. Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, ask If They Want Fries with that.


4. Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks . Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.


5. In the Memo Field Of All Your Checks, Write ' For Marijuana'.


6. Skip down the hall Rather Than Walk and see how many looks you get.


7. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.


8. Specify That Your Drive-through Order Is 'To Go'.


9. Sing Along At The Opera.


10. Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You have a headache.


11. When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream Won! I Won!'


12. When Leaving the Zoo, Start Running towards the Parking lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'


13. Tell Your Children Over Dinner, 'Due To The Economy, We Are Going To Have To Let One Of You Go.'



And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity



14. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.



totally slacking,

ninjas, gymnasts and fonzie

dear LFV readers,

i am very slow on the whole "whats cool right now in viral vids"


which is why i am posting this absolutely high-larious video


almost a year after it has come out.


my only hope is that you have not seen it,


and i will considered cool again










have a fetch friday,

p.s. we are getting closer to our total awesome giveaway, we promise we have not forgotten!

sprink break!

(i meant to post this about a week ago when it would have been more relevant. but better late than never, right?)

dear spring break party go-ers,

if you're like me (and, really, lets be honest. you probably are not) you might be getting sick of the rampant "how not to get raped" advice spewed out around this time of year. (if you are confused, please read up on how not to blame the victim)

this is the most common and insidious form of victim blaming. so common in fact, i would bet that most of my lovely readers didn't even recognize it as such!

but alas, to commemorate this most joyous time of year i thought i'd post Colleen Jameson's (i was going to hyperlink to the original, but doesn't seem to be working.) list of "not getting raped" advice. it actually might do some good! (my particular favorite is no. 7)

1. Don't put drugs in people's drinks in order to control their behavior
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited (this one's for you edward cullen)
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON'T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in the laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public
8. Always be honest with people! Don't pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don't communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them
9. Dont forget: you can't have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone "on accident" you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

happy spring break! please don't rape anyone while you are on vacation!

giveaway,one year and surfboards

dear LFV readers,


according to our calculations (and blogger) one year ago today, was the very first post of letters from valentine!!



we can't believe how quickly a year has gone by and well,


it kinda snuck (sneaked?) up on us and to celebrate this auspicious occasion we are gonna do a giveaway.


and since we are so awesome, you know the giveaway will be pretty awesome too.

and will probably involve you answering a question about a hypothetical situation revolving around some fictional characters.


so don't forget to stop back soon for that!



we really want to thank you all for a great year, you guys are trying fetch!


so, since today is our first birthday, we decided that the only way to truly celebrate it is with a



what. the. fetch.


moment.


enjoy.



so according to the new york post disney is doing some extra casting for the new pirates of the caribbean movie.


apparently they are tired of looking at super flat surfboard kiera knightley and sent out this casting call:


""beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants."



and just to make sure that they don't let in any falsies,



"potential lassies will have to undergo a
Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges."


um, what. the. fetch?



are we sure this isn't really a casting call for


privates of the caribbean?


"hello there captain jack sparrow, want to see my black pearl?"




happy one year everyone!!!


&


(ps, we just realized (and by "we" i mean valentine) that the comments were off! oops! d*mn you blogger!! they're back on now!)

strange baby names

dear future parents,

i know that naming your child can be a long and frustrating time (k, i don't really know cuz, i don't have kids, but whatevs)



everyone giving their opinions, suggesting names, telling you that there is no pressure, but if you wanted, you could name your baby, after them.

but as someone who works in a field, that sees a lot of new baby names, i am here to help guide you with a list of names i suggest you NOT use:



Kindyl

k, so you lurve your new electronic reading device, great, but don't name your kid after it.



Trashod

so, i think the parent thinks that this spells "trey-shod" they would be wrong. but either way, whenever your kid has the world trash in their name, you are headed the wrong way on the baby naming road.


Khyron

this is sooo a robot name. and i have no doubt that this guy is gonna grow up to be the
Khyron 3000, domestic robot, and make his master proud.


Mysteri

guess what? mystery is already not an unusual name, you don't have to go and make it even more unusual by changing the 'y' to an 'i'


Porsche Mary

so, they gave her a white trashy first name, but to help her to be respectable, they gave her the most boring middle name ever! i am so naming my kid cougar fred.


La-A

what. the. fetch. kind of name is that? oh its supposed to be pronounced "La dash A"? in what world is this a name? i'm sure she won't spend her entire life correcting people and cursing her parents for giving her such a stupid moniker


Valaria

how is this not the generic drug name of valtrex?

"ah man, my peeps is totally burning, i need to take some valaria right away!"


Strawsee

i got nothin'.




again, this is just my opinion, you may totally love one or all of these names and are putting them down on your list. but just be fair warned, if you pick one of these names, i will make fun of you.







p.s. what strange names have you seen?

when demos and i have too much time on our hands....

dear readers,


awhile back demosthenes and myself did a guest post over at another blog. since some of you might have missed it, decided to repost it here.


warning, this is hilariously dirty!


for those of you who know us, of course we are gonna be ourselves. and let's be honest, we think you prefer us that way. the following are a couple convo's that we have had. can you believe that this started out as an email discussion about a badly translated italian fan letter? and some how the jonas brothers, rpattz chest hair (we like to call it a chest mane) and saute pans got dragged in, then pureed in the food processor that is our brains and reconfigured until we were discussing "fella" names. yeah, that sounds about right.

Demosthenes: .........rob pattinson wouldn't call "his fella" mr. peeps, he'd go for something like big bronco


Valentine: since rob is british, he'd totally go for a formal name. like mr. wickham, handsome, devilish and loves the ladies.


demosthenes: i don't see him naming it something formal, he'd need an ego booster, like The Rhinocerus. what would emmett, from twilight, name it?


valentine: i still love calling it his mr wickham, and when we meet behind the dumpsters, i will say "k, where's johnny wickham"

calling someone's "fella" a rhinocerus is like calling it a giraffe! its kinda weird. and not hot. hmmm....what would emmett call it? the jackhammer? the bear?


demos: okay, i can see that with the giraffe (really, who says that?) but a rhino? come on, that's a beast!!! emmett would call it the jackhammer!! LOL thats perfect for him! and jasper (cullen, from twilight) would call it captain enormous, or something with rank.


val: jasper would go with a ranked name. something like general privates or captain copious, master (sgt) magnificient. these are starting to sound like super hero names.....super hero names that are fetching awesome.


demos: general private! that made me snicker, lol. and carlisle (cullen) would call it Dr Littleton


val: i don't know of many men that would want the word "little" in their peeps name...


demos: can't you see it? carlisle says to esme "did someone page Dr Littleton?" hahahaha, i am laughing as i write this!


val: oh my goodness! can you imagine if carlise had a sex pager? lol that esme would use when she was feeling the need, the need for carlisle's seed. and he would totally show up like in a bad porn.and be like


carlisle: "did someone page dr littleton?"
esme: " yes, i did. i need some of your venom"






demos: how the heck did we start talking about what fictional characters would name their wang?


val: i have NO idea!

* a couple of days later*

demos: mr darcy (pride and prejudice) would totes call his "the gentleman".
"alright ladies, here comes the gentleman!" he would practice his fencing with it in the mirror, lol. "nice play, gentleman, nice play"







demos: heres another one: harry potter would call his the "firebolt" LOL. "line up girls, the firebolt will take you on the ride of your life"



val: oh man, you are on fire! snape (harry potter) would call his the "potion stirrer", hagrid would go off to "tame his dragon" and dumbledore would go off to "make a deposit" in his pensive. oh, was that too far? should i not have dragged dumbledore into this?? lol


d: oh dang, dumbledore! LOL. you know me, nothing is too far! he'd arrive to an appointment with mcgonagall and have spooge stuck in his beard.

mcgonagall : "um professor... you have a little... yes in your beard"

dumbledore: "oh so sorry minerva dear. i do try to be careful but this beard is just so d*mn long!"

harry: "wanna ride my firebolt hermione?"






v: i am dying! that part with dumbledore and mcgonagall, so disgusting and hilarious!


d: ron would want something that sounds tough like "the mighty hypogriff"


v: i think han solo would call it "his wookie" as in he always lets his wookie win.


d: han would make fun of luke by calling his an ewok when they're at the urinal together.

d:richard cypher (legend of the seeker) would call his "the dagger of truth."

"hey kahlan, i have this awesome dagger in my pocket. wanna see?"

don't act like you all weren't thinking this stuff too! we're just the ones with the guts to say it out loud (and then publish it on the interwebs for everyone to see)


&

team lame

dear company that i work for,


so this year for christmas, you decided to gift your employees with hoodies. hoodies that not only have our department name on them, but also our logo on the back......


while many of my coworkers find them cool (clearly they are lame) they make me feel like i am a

mathlete .

or part of the chess club

like a group of nerds that get together and feel jealous that the football team has jackets, so why can't we?


"take that socially popular football players!!"


so fine, we have them. whatever. but everyone (minus me) wears them while at work. while that wouldn't be too bad, everyone wears them with the hoods on and they are black jackets......


great. now we look like some crazed cult or even better. the uni bomber.



but they are warm. and my office is fetching cold. so i will wear it. sometimes. begrudingly.


but if someone suggests we all get our names embroidered on them, i'm out!

greatest christmas decoration evah

dear valentine,

why are other people always so much more clever than me? i never seem to be the one coming up with kick a** ideas like this one:


if you freaked out for a second, don't worry thats a normal (and i might add "comforting") reaction. in fact, anyone who was not slightly alarmed/concerned after first seeing this photo, might be damned to hell for all eternity, you heartless b*tches. just sayin' ;)

but we can all relax, this is actually just a christmas decoration, and the best f*ckin one i've ever seen. unfortunately, though understandably, the police made zir take it down after just 2 days, due to all the heroic rescue attempts from passersby.

happy holidays!

facebook to the rescue

dear facebook,

so you have gotten a lot of grief lately, selling users personal information without them knowing it, hackers have broken in and stolen users information. basically a lot of stealing information has been going on.

but finally, facebook has been hasn't done something bad, but rather, saved a kid from a 25 year prison sentence.

teenager, rodney bradford, was held for 13 days by police for breaking into a brooklyn residence. fortunately for him, at the time of the crime, he updated his facebook status, that showed he was making pancakes at the time.


the case was dismissed.


so the lesson to be learned here kids. whenever committing a crime, make sure you update your status that you are doing something other than the said crime. i'd recommend tweeting something like:


"busy taking a massive crap. not going ANYWHERE.

man, bathrooms sure are boring"


"just finished looking at the vanity fair outtakes of rob pattinson. now have girlwood. need to take care of biznass"

"deep into convo with demos as to who is the more swoon worthy: mr. darcy or edward. this could take awhile"

p.s. what excuse would you use?

turning dwight-enese

dear dwight schrute,

oh geez! i think i am slowly turning into you. tonight, the hubs (jakt) talked me into watching battlestar galactica. so, thinking i'd watch just the first few minutes to indulge him, i ended up watching 3 hours of it.....

and really liked it......

and wanted to see more episodes.....

what. the. frack???





yeah, that's right, i said frack. i am just as weird and dorky as you!



i guess now i will start asking random people around me if they like BG......



and when they don't, berate them. it is after all the schrute way.





or sporadically start spouting bear attack information

or want my own bobblehead doll

k, actually i do want my own bobblehead. they are frakin sweet!





huh? i don't know. i guess it doesn't sound all bad. maybe i do want to be like you when i grow up. i mean, there are worse people i could want to be.......






bears. beets. battlestar galactica,




p.s. who do you want to be when you grow up?

you were searching for WHAT? Edition 2

dear googlers,

so we did a letter awhile ago, dedicated to you guys and your hilarious searches. srsly, the things that must keep you up at night. the questions that burn in your head until you can get to your nearest computer, then you can go wild, and search the far corners of the inter webs until your strange little hearts content.

the interesting thing (at least to me) is that you are probably looking for something real, and end up with results that are all blogs. and we all know that those are full of idiots who had a bright idea to start blog.......otherwise known as me. one said searcher, even put in "no blogs" in their search, but guess what baby? there is no real information anymore. anyways, you are the ones who think that, but wind up here. congrats!


so here we go:

• jacob commando - believe me, if this pic existed, i would have already found it! alas, it does not, like the mythical unicorn, we will have to close our eyes tight and wish upon a star, that one day, that this search reveals the real deal. (hopefully this day comes when taylor is legal)
  

• call for vampires - sweet! i had NO idea that there was a secret vampire call! do they sell vampire whistles that when blown, (that's what she said) edward cullen comes running? wonder if sharper image carries those.......

• kenneth edward lollipop- what? i don't even want to know what kind of sick kenneth the page and edward cullen role play fantasy you've got planned, but i assure you, you won't find any of that here. even though demos and i love both of these dudes!
  

• pervert in training - okay, i was just kidding when i talked about this before, but now i wonder if i stumbled onto an actual pervert in training class or seminar.....
  

• valentine vs. demosthenes - we have come close to it a few times, believe you me. but in the end, i don't think it'll happen cuz she is my sister and i love her.......that and she'd totally kick. my. trash. but if we ever get to that point, we'll call ya.
  

• who would win a duel between dumbledore and gandalf - well lucky for you, demosthenes has broken down this very question. but after seeing dumbledore set those crazed zombies on fire in the Half Blood Prince, i don't know how demosthenes can defend her gandalf position.
  

• demosthenes style- fetchin' awesome. nuff said.
  

• zombie apocalypse valentine- i know that valentine's day can be a stressful time. apparently it is so stressful for you that you have started your search 4 fetching months early!! but it must be hard trying to find the perfect way to tell that zombie enthusiast in your life, that you love them. since i don't think this kind of card exists, i will help you out, valentine style:

um, you're totally welcome!

• didn't have a plan- well admitting is the first step. and seeking out help, i guess is the second, but you definitely came to the wrong place for that. i never have a plan for this blog. but hey, i don't think most people have cared or noticed, so you are probably fine not having a plan either.

• dulcet sounds - emo edward? is that you?
  

• poster of drowning scene in the titanic movie - you sir, are sick. sick. sick. sick. not only do you want a picture of the drowning scene, in what again? that titanic movie? but you want it in effing poster size! seek help. now.
  

you make googling fun,

working girl

dear working women,

so what is our obsession with meetings? why do they always start out harmless and (somewhat) informational, but quickly turn into a gripe fest and blame game.


we do we try to turn random coworkers into our "family"? don't we have actual family and friends? are our real families lost causes so we create a new ones?


why do i get the feeling that while someone is reminding the group that we are all adults,
they really just want to be the parent of the "adults"?


why does the word "team" always seem to come up? what is so wrong with not wanting to be a part of a team? to want to be an individual that does their work and goes home?


why does emotion always seem to trump logic? if someone cries, then they must be right? why do we think respect is something to demand and not earn?


no wonder women are usually not taken seriously, we can't seem to get through a simple meeting without bringing up how we feel, how we are being treated, and that so and so is not doing their share. that's what kids do.

do you think men do this? do they sit around, taking 2 hours out of their day to talk out feelings and frustrations? h*lls no! i think doing that would be handing over their balls and never getting them back.

Lawrence from Office Space

"h*ll naw man, i think you'd get your a** kicked for saying something like that"

it saddens me. women are intelligent, capable and caring, but we seem to get caught up in the pettiness and turn on each other. we get bogged down with these behaviors and none of our good qualities show through. i think we are better than this.

do you know how much 20 lbs really is?

valentine is taking a few personal days (rumor has it that she's on a secret get away with the jo bros, robbing them of their childlike innocence, as well as literally just robbing them) and left me in charge of the blog. a decision she will likely regret once the jo bros induced haze wears off.

reminder!! the giveaway ends this wednesday, so everyone who hasn't entered yet and doesn't hate kitteh's better hurry up and pick a dumbledore vs gandalf winner soon! there are a few glaring absences from the comments section (you know who you are)

and onto our regularly scheduled programming:

dear 19 lb-baby mama,

WTF?!?! the thought of a normal, completely uncomplicated, 7 lb baby, pregnancy makes my va-jay-jay hurt. i cringe in fear and pain whenever i have to endure child birth visuals or descriptions. and then i woke up friday and read your story. i was incapacitated with imaginary bajingo pain for hours.

surrender to me humans, or suffer the consequences!

do you have any idea what else weighs 20 lbs? ya, a f*cking kareoke machine!!! that was what was inside your belly.

if only you could get a baby to play music instead of cry......



car tires also weigh 20 lbs.... are your insides exploding yet?

but you know what else makes me hurt about your story? the fact that you are 41 years old! you will be almost 60 years old before this baby is a legal adult. but lets get real, an 18 year old is still practically a kid, and will likely be relying heavily on you at least until your 65. i think my uterus just fell out.

but i guess i should also say congratulations and enjoy your new bundle of 20 lb joy, and all that sh*t too.

winnie "the motherf*cker" pooh will eat your soul for dinner

coming up with titles is hard

dear virgin trying to become a whore,

what were you thinking, writing this letter to e jean?

"Dear E. Jean: I’m a 21-year-old virgin fishing for a sugar daddy whcomino’ll launch me into a life of caviar and beautiful clothes. I recently heard about the American grad student auctioning off her virginity; right now, she’s considering bids of up to $3.7 million. I want to attempt the same. It would take care of my college loans, and I could live on the interest and be free to develop my career and talents.

The breaking of the hymen is reportedly painful and disappointing anyway. Why should I waste my purity on a “meaningful” college boyfriend or even a saggy sugar daddy when I can receive a pot of gold all in one go? How would I go about notifying these wealthy barons without attracting attention? —The Hungry Virgin"

ya, why waste your first time having sex on someone meaningful or special? what a waste that would be! i can't think of a better use for your virginity than whoring yourself out to the highest paying skeez bag, who likely has herpes.

you do realize that this makes you a prostitute right? you can try to justify it all you want, but you are degrading yourself and bringing down women's rights efforts world wide.

whats with guys wanting to bang virgins so badly anyway? virgins suck in bed. they have no clue what to do. their only skill set involves trying to not be nervous.

so good luck ruining your life and forever regretting this most terrible of decisions.

ps, don't forget to enter the giveaway! we're dying to hear your thoughts on
dumbledore vs gandalf