better late then never....right?

dear thieving old guy,

So apparently you walked into a seattle sears recently and gave them $100.

its to repay the $20 you stole back in the 1940s.....

apparently you conscience got to you....

60 years later....

i realize this is supposed to be a heart warming tale

an inspiring tale, that there is good in all of us. (including you)

yeah, the cynic in me is shouting:

it took you 60 effing years to get around to doing this??

has your conscience been on vacation for 60 years?

you clearly need to replace your conscience because it has been drunk at the wheel!!

sincerely,

valentine

p.s. i will acknowledge that it was nice of you to add interest on. that is something right?

postcards

when things go wang. i mean *wrong*.

dear damn you autocorrect,



you are my new favorite

kill time at work website.

why?

check out these iphone autocorrects

*warning, while these are totally hilarious, they may be construed as offensive.

so if you offend easily, you are at the wrong blog and should leave.*























see what i mean? high-larious,

summer visit

this is a repost. but it is one of my favorites




dear parents, (not mine, because they never take me anywhere)


well, it's that time of year again, school is out and that can only mean one thing, the summer vacation. i know you are really excited to be on that beach, having fun at a theme park or just hanging with family at a reunion (hey, i won't judge if that's your thang....) but i bet you're not looking forward to the long, hot hours in the car or long layover time at the airport. no worries, aunty demosthenes and i are here to help.




according to the package: this wonderful activity is simple, but yet the diversion you need "Every 50 miles your child gets to tear open the corresponding area on the package to reveal a small plastic novelty that should keep them busy temporarily so you can continue on your journey without their incessant nagging." sweet right? i think so, and the tiny plastic pieces are the perfect size for your little one to put in their mouth. a bonus!







nothing lift's a family's spirit on a long car ride more than a good yodel. i know what you're thinking "but, valentine, we don't know how to yodel" i got your back baby, the emergency yodel button. keep this with you at all times and when the need arises, press the button to hear the sweet mellifluous warbling of an alpine yodeler.






these dante's inferno balls are the key to silence. little mouths can't be running if they're being burned by "cinnamon candy forged by demons in the third circle of hell"







don't worry parents, i didn't forget about you, but come on let's be honest, all of the other presents were really for you. but in any case, i got you something that is so very functional and practical, you'll wonder why you didn't always have one.
the beware pick pocket wallet! i remember as a child, my dad was always stressed and worried on vacations because it was costing him an a**load and also the fear of having money stolen from the locals. well, this fantastic wallet will solve one of those problems.

the whimsical stick figure sternly cautions any potential pick pocketer that you mean business and will not put up with their thieving. and if they are so caught trying to steal, you will deliver a swift blow to their windpipe, rendering them unable to breathe...... hey they were warned. k, maybe not, but it's probably still a good deterrent to pick pockets.



well, it's time for us to be off. but, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.



aunty,

why it sucked

dear eclipse,


so lady tremaine and i saw you together last week.


and you didn't think we'd treat you any different than

new moon

or

twilight?


good. cuz we're not gonna.


1. actor switch

so lady tremaine and i agreed that riley totally should of

been cast as bella.



i mean, he acted the shiz out of the burning scene.

and they already had a wig.

done. and done.


2. the coordinated cullens




Val: what, did alice coordinate their fight clothes?

Demos: yeah, i can see her saying:

" this is very important to me emmett. i can't fight if we don't match"


3. fancy demetri


what is demetri doing in this scene?

i imagine the convo went something like this:

david slade: k, in this next scene try to act aloof. got it?

demetri: k, got it.

david: action! wait! Cut! Cut!

demetri: what?

david: i said be aloof! not a doof!



4. exercise classy


what is edward wearing? is that a sweater with track pants?

yeah, i think it is.

looks like he is trying to be his towns ron burgundy

"exercise classy, forks!"



5. the sometimes accent


oh my goodness.

bless jaspers little southern heart for really trying to sell that accent.

but just like the ending of new moon, it was laid on a bit too thick.

its like we get it!

You're Southern!

not only that, but i think carlisle got jealous of jaspers special elocution lessons and

decided to get in on the fun,

cuz he was fake accenting right along side with him.





in all fairness, this really should have been titled "why it rocked" .

this really was the best of the series so far, and we really had to dig deep into the barrel to find

stuff to make fun of.

but making fun is funner.

so we did that.


but surprisingly k.stew didn't give me a seizure with her incessant blinking and stuttering.


my mind didn't wander off when the wolves or jacob were on screen.


i loved the eclipse logo at the beginning of the movie.


and the soundtrack totally kick asphalt.

i have been listening to it non stop. still.


and the best part is that we are now this much closer to


BREAKING DAWN!!

the end of a party

dear starz,


i just heard that you have decided to cancel the quirky, but incredbily hilarious

party down.

this was one of the whity-est and cleverest shows on tv.

you srsly suck.

but to soften the blow, i just found out my favorite guyliner lostie,
richard alpert

(nestor carbonell )

will be joining another of my favoritest shows

he is supposed to have a couple episode arc throughout the season

which starts july 14! i will definitely be watching.

i have missed my favorite psychic detective and sidekick

p.s. don't forget about the sephora giftcard giveaway!

just because you can......

dear 66 year old woman who just gave birth to triplets,

so apparently on may 29 you gave birth to triplets, and became, possibly, the oldest woman ever

to do so.

i realize this is a miracle, a scientific breakthrough

but i think this is a case of just because science can

doesn't mean that you should.

concerned for your children who won't have a mother for long,




p.s. that pic isn't of the actual mother, its just a funny pic i found.

miles of stiles

dear julia stiles,


so i just read that you are going to be on this next season

of dexter


which suddenly takes your cool factor up by 10 points.


demos and i were discussing this news and it dawned us


where the eff have you been?


i feel like we should be playing



listen up gumshoes


okay, srsly, how awesome was that show?


answer: fetching


i always loved it when the kid struggled to identify the different states on the giant map at the

end of the show


"dude, you live in america!"


k, where was i?


ah, yes where you have been.


i mean i could easily google or imdb you


and find out what you have been up to


but that sounds like work.


wherever you were, i hope you did some serious penance

for that "movie"

save the last dance


don't get me wrong,


i loved it when it came out


but i was also 17


and like every other teenager,


i only had a half functioning brain.


either way, you doing a dark, gritty and completely compelling


show like dexter


will erase my vision of you in


in that ugly sweater and overalls.


yep, thats the one









p.s Letters from Valentine is now on facebook

stop by. be our friend.

The Birds

dear obnoxious birds that wake me up every effing day at 5 AM,


don't worry, the day of payback is coming.


and coming soon.


you just might wake up one morning to a surprise homemade bird feeder




but instead of a yummy peanut butter treat,


it'll be avicide.


and i will get peaceful silence.


enjoy.





p.s. k, so while i am only half kidding about the killing the birds thing, why is it such a crazy idea?


how are they any different from other rodents or pests?


they carry disease just like any other animal.


cuz they are cute?

nope. they're not.


people have them as pets?

people have mice, and rats and snakes as pets


they are intelligent?

no, they fly into closed windows


case closed.

toddlers and tiaras: rise of the oversexed toddler

dear LFV readers,

in honor of Toddlers and Tiaras having their season 3 premiere yesterday, i thought i'd repost a letter that demosthenes wrote last august.

it is such an awesome letter, that it is actually our highest viewed post.

ever.

its that good.

so you should definitely read it. again.

dear valentine,


i only managed to sit through about 15 minutes of this show, so i guess there's the slight possibility that i'm not being a fair critic. but i just about threw up. these crazy a** mom's are having their tiny babies prance around like whores on a street corner.


how nice of these mom's to put their 2-3 year old daughters in sexy clothes and display them so that all those chester child molesters can have a good time. it saves them the trouble of trying to hide their child porn from their wives.

as if young girls in america didn't have enough problems with self esteem and body image to begin with. these moms had the bright idea of indoctrinating their daughters from infancy that to be beautiful requires make up, perfectly styled hair, a tan, and provocative clothes. because no woman could possibly be considered beautiful if she *gasp* just looked the way God made her.


well done mom's, well done. now all you have to do is make sure your girls develop an eating disorder by 15, and get hooked on coke to stay thin by 18, and you'll have achieved a well and truly f*cked up daughter. congratulations.






the pageant mom's freely talk about the process for getting their kids ready for a show. lets see, fake eyelashes... check. fake spray tans.... check. big fake hair extensions.... check. fake teeth because your toddlers real baby teeth are falling out.... check. now some 80's looking hooker make up and we're all set!


srsly? what's the point of having a contest if everything on their bodies is fake? what are you judging, which brand of spray tanner coats the most evenly? its like having a contest to see which pie is best, but all the pies are made of plastic.


a 7 year old on the show actually said this: "i want to be a cheerleader, cause i like to show my belly and thats what they do". what a wonderful moral for her to be learning. a little whore in the making. i think i just shed a tear.


i think we all need something to wash down that sh*t soda, so heres a super awesome photo to take our minds off the destruction of a generation (yes, thats the cutest f*cking marmoset you've ever seen)

random letters

dear eclipse movie,

what the fetch is going on with you?







dear dexter,







can't wait for you to be back on in four months.


you are srsly one of the best shows on tv

p.s. glad you are feeling better





dear LOST,


you are heartless bastards.

i am so in shock over last nights episode,

not sure when I'll be ready to talk to you again......




dear dr spaceman,



you srsly make 30 rock.

word.



dear vampire diaries,


how is it possible that a vampire,

high school drama,

on the CW

is better than twilight???

get back to me on that.



randomly yours,

ninjas, gymnasts and fonzie

dear LFV readers,

i am very slow on the whole "whats cool right now in viral vids"


which is why i am posting this absolutely high-larious video


almost a year after it has come out.


my only hope is that you have not seen it,


and i will considered cool again










have a fetch friday,

p.s. we are getting closer to our total awesome giveaway, we promise we have not forgotten!

hurray for spring!!

dear spring,

you are one of my fav seasons eva!! right behind summer and fall. if this were the olympics and you were a weirdly proportioned athlete, you would be taking home the bronze medal to a proud (but still mildly disappointed) country! hurray!!

but i'm so glad you're here, because spring always brings the best stuff. flowers, and warm weather, rain to wash away the snow, and ....... W. T. F. !!!!!!



holy shiz spring! this year you brought me ET!!! this is the best spring ever!!! i found him hiding inside a shrub which had, sadly, outlived its usefulness. if this is the kind of treasure i find when i "garden" then i think i will just have to keep up this "gardening" thing.

(no i did not plant these just because they're called "Wee Willies". that was only part of the reason)

(grrrr, there seems to be some kind of glitch with blogger today. are the pics showing up now? or are they still no show?)