toddlers and tiaras: rise of the oversexed toddler

dear LFV readers,

in honor of Toddlers and Tiaras having their season 3 premiere yesterday, i thought i'd repost a letter that demosthenes wrote last august.

it is such an awesome letter, that it is actually our highest viewed post.

ever.

its that good.

so you should definitely read it. again.

dear valentine,


i only managed to sit through about 15 minutes of this show, so i guess there's the slight possibility that i'm not being a fair critic. but i just about threw up. these crazy a** mom's are having their tiny babies prance around like whores on a street corner.


how nice of these mom's to put their 2-3 year old daughters in sexy clothes and display them so that all those chester child molesters can have a good time. it saves them the trouble of trying to hide their child porn from their wives.

as if young girls in america didn't have enough problems with self esteem and body image to begin with. these moms had the bright idea of indoctrinating their daughters from infancy that to be beautiful requires make up, perfectly styled hair, a tan, and provocative clothes. because no woman could possibly be considered beautiful if she *gasp* just looked the way God made her.


well done mom's, well done. now all you have to do is make sure your girls develop an eating disorder by 15, and get hooked on coke to stay thin by 18, and you'll have achieved a well and truly f*cked up daughter. congratulations.






the pageant mom's freely talk about the process for getting their kids ready for a show. lets see, fake eyelashes... check. fake spray tans.... check. big fake hair extensions.... check. fake teeth because your toddlers real baby teeth are falling out.... check. now some 80's looking hooker make up and we're all set!


srsly? what's the point of having a contest if everything on their bodies is fake? what are you judging, which brand of spray tanner coats the most evenly? its like having a contest to see which pie is best, but all the pies are made of plastic.


a 7 year old on the show actually said this: "i want to be a cheerleader, cause i like to show my belly and thats what they do". what a wonderful moral for her to be learning. a little whore in the making. i think i just shed a tear.


i think we all need something to wash down that sh*t soda, so heres a super awesome photo to take our minds off the destruction of a generation (yes, thats the cutest f*cking marmoset you've ever seen)

new reason to hate you kstew

dear kstew,

i've never liked you, which i know you're well aware of as you are surely an avid fan of the demos bloggerweb posts. your oatmeal expressions and lack of voice inflection, not to mention your soulless ring-wraith eyes and awkward poses are the perfect blend of blech.




but this latest promo appearance inspires a whole new level of disgust! congrats! i didn't think it was possible! but by being a guest on that a**hat's "show", you really out did your blech-ness.

team coco will now forever shun you! you are shunned!! SHUNNED I SAY!!

(oh, and hello again to all the readers!! i know right? i've been gone for like 4 months and then just show up without warning, like i've been here the whole time. what can i say? sometimes you gotta race)

H1N1 pie

dear valentine,

thanksgiving holiday sucks monkey balls. it is my least fav holiday ever. its def suckier than halloween, and i think even crappier than valentines day (although the extra time off work for thanksgiving is super amazing).

i mean srsly, the decorations suck, the overindulgence on food makes me feel like crap, and then all teh dudes want to watch football all f*ckin day. (although in DH family, his dad makes all the guys go play the "gee-tar" with him which means a little less football on the tv).

but the shining light on this crap-fest of a holiday is my delectable vegan pumpkin pie.

(NO KITTEH!!! this is my pot pie!! bad kitteh!!)

i make one pumpkin pie every year, and its amazing. i bake it in a graham cracker crust which is even more amazing. (i hate normal pie crusts, i think they must be a communist invention with the sole purpose of ruining pie, and thereby destroying the capitalist free market system). and i take said amazing pie every year to the family thanksgiving dinner where it sits among about 10 other pumpkin pies (none of which are vegan).

and every year, without fail, the same family members want to try my pie, for no other reason than because its vegan. IT TASTES EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT DID LAST YEAR! there is only one vegan pie to be shared amongst three vegans, GO EAT YOUR OWN EFFING REGULAR PIE!!!!

this year we labeled the box "H1N1 pie" and hid it in the kitchen with the hopes that no one would see it, but if they did, perhaps they would confuse it with some twisted thanksgiving terrorist plot.

and guess what? this year NO ONE else in my entire family made pumpkin pie.

(guess its a good thing i finally decided to make two!)

universal truth

dear valentine,

it is a truth, universally acknowledged that there are two kinds of women in the world: bag hags and shoe whores.

I have always identified myself as a bag hag, thinking my love for new purses vs shoes was enough. but just today i realized that i own 19 pairs of shoes and only 8 purses.

jay says bag hags are more "fierce" than shoe whores
:(

what does this mean for me? what am i supposed to say now when people ask me the inevitable question "hag or whore?" (cause, ya know, people ask me that allll the time).



i think i need to seriously re-evaluate my life in light of this new information, and adjust the way i live and interact in the world, knowing that i'm a whore not a hag.

"my name is demosthenes, and i am a shoe whore". what are you?

it's the final countdown

dear new moon,

hot. diggity. dog. ya'll!


the blogging whores (much love supah!) are back!!


sorry for the delay.

it took longer than we thought to kidnap rpattz, smuggle him out of the country and onto our private island in south america.

now that we are back, i have to say:


"hot dang! new moon is almost here!!!"

(do you see the 3 exclamation points? i mean biz-nass.)



two weeks from now, demosthenes and i will be standing in line, with hundreds of other losers, to see this movie at midnight. and if you are lucky, you might even get to see a picture of us. wearing our totally fetch new moon t-shirts, hopped up on caffeine and mad-libs, with no doubt a look in our eyes that clearly says:


"why the h*ll are we up at midnight to watch this lame movie"


now, before i get greased and spooned for that above comment. let me clarify, do i love twilight? yes. do i think this will be an incredible movie? no. but i will love it anyways.



as we are getting closer to the movie, i have prepared a checklist so i won't forget anything;



totally awesome new moon t-shirt to represent the vampire love?

check.


some of the ole red to "pour one out for the homies" (i.e.james)?

check.


classic middle school cut downs for any team jacob or team wolf fans?

check.


practice elbow jabs to stop any 12 year old skanks that try to steal our seats?

check.


brown paper bag (needed to vomit into) when k.stew tries to "act" any feeling other than hunger, tired or horny?

check.



i think i am all ready to go.




see you in 2 weeks,

p.s. you know, whenever i hear someone say "final countdown" i can't help but think of Gob from Arrested Development.





how awesome was that show?

answer: very.

coming up with titles is hard

dear virgin trying to become a whore,

what were you thinking, writing this letter to e jean?

"Dear E. Jean: I’m a 21-year-old virgin fishing for a sugar daddy whcomino’ll launch me into a life of caviar and beautiful clothes. I recently heard about the American grad student auctioning off her virginity; right now, she’s considering bids of up to $3.7 million. I want to attempt the same. It would take care of my college loans, and I could live on the interest and be free to develop my career and talents.

The breaking of the hymen is reportedly painful and disappointing anyway. Why should I waste my purity on a “meaningful” college boyfriend or even a saggy sugar daddy when I can receive a pot of gold all in one go? How would I go about notifying these wealthy barons without attracting attention? —The Hungry Virgin"

ya, why waste your first time having sex on someone meaningful or special? what a waste that would be! i can't think of a better use for your virginity than whoring yourself out to the highest paying skeez bag, who likely has herpes.

you do realize that this makes you a prostitute right? you can try to justify it all you want, but you are degrading yourself and bringing down women's rights efforts world wide.

whats with guys wanting to bang virgins so badly anyway? virgins suck in bed. they have no clue what to do. their only skill set involves trying to not be nervous.

so good luck ruining your life and forever regretting this most terrible of decisions.

ps, don't forget to enter the giveaway! we're dying to hear your thoughts on
dumbledore vs gandalf

life on the F list

dear levi johnston,

so, looks like you've been in the news again lately. and by news, i of course mean you've been b*tchin' and snitchin' to whatever half rate media outlet will listen to you. you are really starting to bug.


you told star (who got your name wrong by the way) about the palin family "secrets", like todd and sarah are fighting and you shared a room with bristol. i'm sorry, but i think a large majority of the families in america have the same "secrets". how is this then shocking or news? why are we supposed to care?


and let's not forget to you stopped by tyra banks show to reveal more of these incredulous and flabbergasting secrets. now i realize tyra's show won some sort of award, but let's take a look at this weeks line up: tyra will remove her weave to show her real hair and talking about inner beauty (says the outwardly beautiful super model)


she will also be interviewing perez hilton (isn't that enough right there to condemn her?), discussing periods, and having a judgement day where she will talk with people who are, *gasp* judgemental. yes, levi, i am sure you were taken seriously when you graced her show. how could you not with all the journalistic integrity spilling out from that show.


and last but certainly not least, let's not forget that ever sad, pathetic and desperate attempt by both you and kathie griffin when you attended the teen choice awards together. i think that in the end, you were the real loser in that scheme because lets face it, you had to sit next to kathie griffin for 3 hours!

this photo is srsly vomit inducing.

this is not a letter to defend sarah or the palin family, it is a letter to tell you to shut the h@ll up! you are so annoying and no one cares what you have to say. and i feel like it is my obligation to tell you that your 10 min (no, you don't even get the full 15 min) of fame are up. you are fading faster than mary kate, ashley and lindsay combined. so i suggest you take whatever is left of your dignity, return to the oil rig and stop b*tchin.

so second hand embarrassed,

toddlers in tiaras.... wtf?

dear valentine,


i only managed to sit through about 15 minutes of this show, so i guess there's the slight possibility that i'm not being a fair critic. but i just about threw up. these crazy a** mom's are having their tiny babies prance around like whores on a street corner.


how nice of these mom's to put their 2-3 year old daughters in sexy clothes and display them so that all those chester child molesters can have a good time. it saves them the trouble of trying to hide their child porn from their wives.




as if young girls in america didn't have enough problems with self esteem and body image to begin with. these moms had the bright idea of indoctrinating their daughters from infancy that to be beautiful requires make up, perfectly styled hair, a tan, and provocative clothes. because no woman could possibly be considered beautiful if she *gasp* just looked the way God made her.


well done mom's, well done. now all you have to do is make sure your girls develop an eating disorder by 15, and get hooked on coke to stay thin by 18, and you'll have achieved a well and truly f*cked up daughter. congratulations.






the pageant mom's freely talk about the process for getting their kids ready for a show. lets see, fake eyelashes... check. fake spray tans.... check. big fake hair extensions.... check. fake teeth because your toddlers real baby teeth are falling out.... check. now some 80's looking hooker make up and we're all set!


srsly? what's the point of having a contest if everything on their bodies is fake? what are you judging, which brand of spray tanner coats the most evenly? its like having a contest to see which pie is best, but all the pies are made of plastic.


a 7 year old on the show actually said this: "i want to be a cheerleader, cause i like to show my belly and thats what they do". what a wonderful moral for her to be learning. a little whore in the making. i think i just shed a tear.


i think we all need something to wash down that sh*t soda, so heres a super awesome photo to take our minds off the destruction of a generation (yes, thats the cutest f*cking marmoset you've ever seen)

kristen's teen choice

dear kristen,


i don't know what to say in regards to your outfit choice for the teen choice awards. are those sharp, spiky blades attached to your skirt? why yes i believe they are.

source

okay, why are there sharp spikes on your dress? are they for cuttin' all the b**ches that try to come near you? or try to get near rob? if that's the case, i'll throw on my knife skirt and meet you down there. we can protect rob together. we'll be like the skirtblade sisters.


the thing is, this could have been such a great outfit, if only you had left the spikes at home. it would have been very young hollywood. fresh and cute. but instead, it just makes me wanna shout out:


yes, we get it! you're tough. you're a bada**. you're joan effing jett!! but here's the thing, you're not joan jett. you're just a confused teenage girl with a very. very. bad mullet. (why, oh why did you let them cut your hair???)


the thing that confuses me the most is, how are you and rob gonna get it on later in that thing? i would love to see him try to manuever this. it would be quite the feat. i don't even think the jackass guys would try to attempt it. your skirt is gonna frickin skewer rob's junk! and i take issue with that because we have a dumpster date later, so i can't have you all edward scissor hands-ing the goods. come on!



to be fair, you weren't the only girl there who wore a questionable outfit.....

source

miley cyrus. miss. disney, herself wore this. looks like halloween came early this year and the good girl decided to go as the slutty nurse, the naughty librarian a whore. (you're welcome whoever said we need to talk about whores more often ;)

can you believe this chick is 16? when i was 16 i had braces, a mom haircut (you know, a haircut given by mom. in your kitchen) and wearing irregular jeans (they sell them cheap if there is something wrong with them. remember that demos? remember? good times.) and we wonder why there are so many child predators, 16 doesn't look like it used to. why wasn't chris hansen at this thing?


um, i think i may have gotten slightly off topic. k, to sum up, you're skirt is an emergency room visit waiting to happen and miley looks like a story book disney whore princess.


tell rob i'll see him later. and to ignore all notes from demos,

king of the douches

dear jon,

k, i wasn't gonna say anything. i was gonna let you and your ever dysfunctional family go your way and me, go mine. but i can't sit in silence any longer. i mean seriously dude, what the fetch? what are you doing? you have become the king of the douches.

now, before you get all excited about your new award, please realize that this is an honorary title. once there is another douchey guy who starts being all obnoxious, you have to pass the torch to him. so, let's sum up all your douche activity.


it was bad enough that when your divorce was announced you seemed to only care about you and and your happiness. but now, just a couple weeks later, you not only are dating a young 2o something, but two young 20 somethings.

and for some reason, they both seem to think they are in love with you. after just a couple of days (yeah, i feel like i am back in middle school.) i must admit, i don't see the appeal.

meh. i guess you could be cute, in a "i'm married with 8 kids" kinda way, but since you're not, you're not so cute. i mean, come on! the earring? you pull it off about as well as ross from friends.



to further your douche status, you have been hangin out with michael lohan, you know, lindsay's super creepy and lame dad. that right there makes you an automatic sleazoid, but add that to the fact that you have also been acting like quite the media whore, that makes you a douche.

in order to receive your king of the douches crown, there is a little oath that goes along with it. now, please raise your right hand, put your left hand on a 20 year old's hiney and repeat after me:


i solemnly swear to uphold the standard of douches everywhere
in my daily deeds and actions
i promise to love dane cook
to wear a totally lame earring
and to consitently wear ed hardy t-shirts
i will strive to honor my douche brothers
and to just be an overall jackass kinda guy.

congrats on your award,