Sunday, December 20, 2009

teetering on tweetering

dear LFV readers,

i did it. i know. i am kinda in shock.

but it sounded like it might be fun. and everyone else is doing it.

and if memory serves right, i remember my mom always mentioning something about doing stuff just because everyone else was.......

so here it is:

stop by. say hi.


be fetch and follow.

please, i don't want to be a tweeter loser.

Saturday, December 19, 2009

team lame

dear company that i work for,

so this year for christmas, you decided to gift your employees with hoodies. hoodies that not only have our department name on them, but also our logo on the back......

while many of my coworkers find them cool (clearly they are lame) they make me feel like i am a
mathlete .

or part of the chess club

like a group of nerds that get together and feel jealous that the football team has jackets, so why can't we?

"take that socially popular football players!!"

so fine, we have them. whatever. but everyone (minus me) wears them while at work. while that wouldn't be too bad, everyone wears them with the hoods on and they are black jackets......

great. now we look like some crazed cult or even better. the uni bomber.

but they are warm. and my office is fetching cold. so i will wear it. sometimes. begrudingly.

but if someone suggests we all get our names embroidered on them, i'm out!

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

major christmas card FAIL

dear valentine,

i posted once a long time ago about how irritating it is when people refer to me as "mrs john doe". i'm a person and i have a name, and guess what? ITS NOT MY HUSBANDS NAME!

so my church (read: extremely patriarchal sexism machine) sends out christmas cards every year to each family. last year i got the standard "mrs john doe" treatment. imagine my shock and horror when i saw this years card. it was addressed to "john doe" (or as we know my hubby on this blog, "vincent vega"). thats it. i didnt even get a "mrs" (much less a "demosthenes"), i was left off the card completely! WTH??

have i actually become the invisibility wielding Mutant Paladin from my last post? have they forgotten i exist? no, i suppose the obvious answer is that i, as a woman, am expected to be content to define my life by husbands life, without a job, interests, contributions, or even a name of my own.

i would say something to the person who mailed out the card, but i know i would be met with the condescending attitude that sexist men and women reserve for "radical feminists". all i want is to be recognized as human being. recognized for my existence as a separate entity from my husband. is that so much to ask? is that so "radical"?

Friday, December 11, 2009

mutant x

i know this post is a little late. its friday, what can i say?

so you all know i'm a bit of a nerd when it comes to sci fi/fantasy stuff. and so it shouldn't surprise you that i have a fair number of conversations about weird sci fi stuff in my everyday life.

my hubby (we'll call him vincent vega) and i were talking a few days ago, and we began wondering what type of mutant powers we would have if we were X Men and what would our mutant names be?

of course i dragged valentine into this, and heres how it went down:

D: last night me and vincent vaga were talking about, if we were a Mutant on Xmen what would our mutant power be and what would our mutant names be. what would yours be?

V: k, i am awful at this stuff, so i think i would be gladryn and my power would be super strength, i guess

D: LOL, gladryn? thats a terrible mutant name! LOL, thats like an elven name or an aes sedai name! LOL mutant names are typically real words or similar to real words, (storm, cyclops, beast, phoenix, polaris, nightcrawler, wolverine, magneto, rogue, etc). so, if your power is super strength your name should be something like Power, or Charger, or Dynamo, or something. keep working on it! LOL

V: how about storm?

D: LOL, your getting warmer, but thats already a mutant! i will just pick a name for you. you shall now be known as Rampage.

so here's how it stands:

demosthenes: named Paladin, and has the power of invisibility
vincent vega: Audubon, and can run/move super fast
valentine: would have super strength, and (thanks to me :) would be called Rampage (not gladryn, that would be lame :)

sound off! what would your mutant powers and name be? would you fight for the xmen or with Magneto?

Wednesday, December 9, 2009

greatest christmas decoration evah

dear valentine,

why are other people always so much more clever than me? i never seem to be the one coming up with kick a** ideas like this one:

if you freaked out for a second, don't worry thats a normal (and i might add "comforting") reaction. in fact, anyone who was not slightly alarmed/concerned after first seeing this photo, might be damned to hell for all eternity, you heartless b*tches. just sayin' ;)

but we can all relax, this is actually just a christmas decoration, and the best f*ckin one i've ever seen. unfortunately, though understandably, the police made zir take it down after just 2 days, due to all the heroic rescue attempts from passersby.

happy holidays!

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

win a date with matthew bellamy

*** Edited to add, this is Matthew Bellamy. He is the lead guitarist/singer of the band Muse, who totally kick asphalt***

dear matthew,

you know how celebs are always offering to have lunch with winners from contests and such. i'd totally love to win a day (or night, cuz i'm guessing you're not really a morning day person) with you.

and i imagine that this is how it'd go down. yes, hold on for some totally fetch valentine theater!!!

you arrive an hour late. i was left waiting on the corner of hooker and druggy. not cool!

once your finally arrive, you mumble something unintelligible about a fight with a dolphin and a life long ban from sea world.

i ask where we're going to lunch. this being my first time in LA i am hoping for some awesome exclusive place i read in my celeb mags.

your answer, fuddruckers

you love the name. it makes you giggle everytime.

on the way, we pass an FYE. you yell at the driver to stop. next thing i know you have gotten into a fight with a walker texas ranger chuck norris cut out. he was starring you down and he has been asking for it for awhile. we get kicked out of the FYE, but not before you totally kick his a**

you tell me a joke about this guy that walks into a gas station, asks for some cigs, the gas station dude is all rude and stuff and the first fuy punches him in the ear. oh wait, that wasn't a joke, it's what you did last wednesday.

as we head to a club, we pass a post office, you start shouting out


and torch the place.

okay........that was weird. but i decide to go along with it cuz the postal lady is always up in my face about me not marking out the logos from my preused boxs.

this is some total bad a**-ery.

we go back to your place, you start to serenade me with endlessly (the hottest song ever) but only get halfway through it before you puke. a little gets on my shoes. i'm pissed.

you move in to get things started, but as you start to lean in, you pass out and land pretty hard on the floor. i get up and leave. it's fine, i wasn't planning on doing anything with you anyways. i am a loyal kinda gal.

i picked you for my celeb "lunch" cuz i'd get a totally awesome story to tell for the rest of my life without the inevitable walk of shame the next mornin'

rock on matthew, rock on!

p.s. who would be your celebrity that you'd have "lunch" with.....

Friday, December 4, 2009

lady tremaine

dear LFV readers

so you all know my awesome sister demosthenes, so now i wanted to introduce you to my very sweet and hilarious, older sister, she insists we call her lady tremaine (yeah, the mean step mama from cinderella.) don't ask

yes, she is hilarious, though often times unintentionally. she sees the world a different way than me, and i enjoy her insight

i think she is the only adult in the world that takes pinky swears srsly. she treats them as though they are the unbreakable vow. she called me concerned that she had pinky swore with someone and she fully intended to break the promise. she was concerned about what to do

i will never forget a hilarious convo we had about twilight:

lt: so don't people notice that carlisle doesn't age

v: yes, that is why they move around alot

lt: how can he do that? what about social security? don't they ever notice

v: i don't know, maybe he changes his name sometimes. they also have a guy that forges documents for them.

lt: doesn't he notice that they don't age

v: i don't think he cares, they pay him good money

lt: doesn't he care that he is forging papers for vampires

v: he's a FORGER......i don't think he asks questions. ever

lt: how did carlisle make his money

v: i don't know. *sighing* maybe he put some money in the bank 300 years ago and now he lives off the interest.

i love that her main concerns are that carlisle pay his taxes and that an illegal document forger doesn't aid vampires

despite her sometime confusion, she is incredibly creative and talented. she is sweet and caring. she has tender heart and has been supportive of this blog since the beginning. she is super fetch

totally love her,

Thursday, December 3, 2009

H1N1 pie

dear valentine,

thanksgiving holiday sucks monkey balls. it is my least fav holiday ever. its def suckier than halloween, and i think even crappier than valentines day (although the extra time off work for thanksgiving is super amazing).

i mean srsly, the decorations suck, the overindulgence on food makes me feel like crap, and then all teh dudes want to watch football all f*ckin day. (although in DH family, his dad makes all the guys go play the "gee-tar" with him which means a little less football on the tv).

but the shining light on this crap-fest of a holiday is my delectable vegan pumpkin pie.

(NO KITTEH!!! this is my pot pie!! bad kitteh!!)

i make one pumpkin pie every year, and its amazing. i bake it in a graham cracker crust which is even more amazing. (i hate normal pie crusts, i think they must be a communist invention with the sole purpose of ruining pie, and thereby destroying the capitalist free market system). and i take said amazing pie every year to the family thanksgiving dinner where it sits among about 10 other pumpkin pies (none of which are vegan).

and every year, without fail, the same family members want to try my pie, for no other reason than because its vegan. IT TASTES EXACTLY THE SAME AS IT DID LAST YEAR! there is only one vegan pie to be shared amongst three vegans, GO EAT YOUR OWN EFFING REGULAR PIE!!!!

this year we labeled the box "H1N1 pie" and hid it in the kitchen with the hopes that no one would see it, but if they did, perhaps they would confuse it with some twisted thanksgiving terrorist plot.

and guess what? this year NO ONE else in my entire family made pumpkin pie.

(guess its a good thing i finally decided to make two!)

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

wonderful christmas time

dear christmas,

i am tired of your songs. i know, you're probably thinking, 'how is that possible? it's only dec 1!' well, here in the wonderful land of utah, we have a radio station that believes it is its job to kill christmas before it even starts. they have been playing your songs for almost a month now.

to be fair, when i say i am tired of the songs, not all of them. of course i have my favorites, but there are those handful that if i hear it again, i srsly might have some sort of screaming fit. (something reminiscent of bella's bad dreams in new moon)

santa baby

i really can't stand this song. never mind that whoever sings it, sings it like a demented betty boop. but i associate it with christmas parties as a child where no doubt, a couple of single, slightly off cat ladies would get up and sing it. i guess in hopes that father christmas puts a man under her tree.

the christmas shoes

i don't care if you think i am a heartless bastard. i hate this song. what the eff is it even about? children who don't have shoes? children who want to buy shoes? i don't get it. plus, i srsly dislike anything, ANYTHING that tries to play off my emotions and pulls at my heart strings. (side note: what does that expression even mean? how is that not the creepiest visual ever, that your heart has strings. total grossness.)

washed up "pop star" remakes

why does every pop star (and yes, i use that term very. very loosely) feel the need to take an already wonderful song and put "their own spin" on it, i.e. make it crappier. why do they always seem to be warbling it in? you are not whitney houston. stop trying. i am sorry that your sad career is drying up and your sales are slumping, but that is no reason to ruin christmas.

but to balance this out and so you don't think i am some sort of scrooge, i do have my favorites as well.

i want a hippopotamus for christmas

srsly, what an incredibly strange and totally awesome christmas song. and is it sung by a midget woman? those are some srs pipes on that girl. see, another reason why i love this song. no one sings like this anymore. and what the h*ll is a hippo hero?

a wonderful christmas time

i am not a big paul mccartney fan, but i love this song. okay, i love the video to this song. him and his friends running around in very, very fake snow. it's simple. its easy to sing along with. totally love it.

last christmas

okay, i also love this one cuz of the vid. a totally cheesy love/christmas song while on a skiing holiday. does it get better than that?

feliz navidad

i have fond memories of this song. each year, my parents would load all of us kids in the van and we'd drive around looking at christmas lights. no doubt, each year, this song would be playing on the radio. we would sing it so loud, we were practically shouting. ah, good times.

p.s. speak out- which christmas songs do you love? which ones do you hate?