Monday, January 18, 2010

why it sucked

dear new moon,

awhile back, demos and i discussed why twilight sucked, did you really think we'd do any different for you? you did? oh, that's sweet.

The Cake

despite this cake, that could feed 50 in a house where no one eats, showing up in the trailers, it did not make it to the actual movie. what gives? you didn't have the 10 seconds to show us this cake we had heard so much about? total lamesville!

The Sudden Accent

it's like they suddenly remembered that jasper was supposed to be southern.

"Scarlet O'Hara! jasper is supposed to have an accent!"

"oh yeah, i think i remember reading something in the notes about him being southern....."

"we forgot to do it in twilight, do you think anyone will notice?"

"no, i think we'll be fine"

and not only was the accent southern,

it was southern belle southern (lets see how many more times i can say southern in this sentence.....Southern!)

makes me wonder if they got the dialect coach from true blood to teach him, cuz it sounded similarly craptastic.

The Too Cool for Socks

(i don't have a pic for this, but trust, this is srsly true. demos and i laughed when we saw it! check it out the next time you watch new moon)

look at marcus's feet when we get to volterra......

he is wearing frickin' wicker harachi's!

in the books stephenie mentions that the volturi wear clothes that hinted to older times, i didn't realize she meant the miami vice times.

Introducing Bella Swan as Darth Vader

while i am the first person to say hallelujah that kristen did not strobe light blink

through out the entire break up scene, i am not entirely sure trading it for darth vader breathing was a step up.

major fail award goes to whoever noticed it and let her keep doing it.

Alice's Housecoat

"what is that gawd awesome wet dog smell?"

no alice, the real question is what is that gawd awful thing you are wearing?

is it a blanket (that you subsequently turned into a coat) that you bought from a hippie that was selling it on the side of the road from their van?

you know the van i mean, they are usually blue with some sort of airbrushed design on the side. you know, the people who hang their blankets up on a rope, there is usually one with a giant tiger face.

they also try to sell you handmade soap that they clearly never use.

srsly alice, i've seen cat ladies with better housecoats.

Werewolves, meh

i can't tell you much about the wolves, cuz everytime they were on screen, my mind wandered to mundane and medial tasks that i needed to do. yeah, the wolves were so boring that my mind wandered to reorganizing my kitchen cupboards, and i hate organizing. nuff said.

New Moon Soundtrack

k, i bet you all think that i am gonna say how much i hated the music on the soundtrack, that it was totally depressing, there weren't any great songs, that the twilight soundtrack was so much better. ha! gotcha. i totally loved the music to this movie, what i didn't like was that almost the entire soundtrack was played during the first 30 min. and then we were left with nuffn'

as much as i love chris weitz and what he did with the saga, there is def. room for improvement for eclipse. we're counting on you david slade, don't let us down!

p.s. what do you think made new moon suck?


Mighty M said...

I think I can't wait to see this movie now! So much to look for!! :)

Kristina P. said...

Robert Pattinson and his weird nipple.

MiMi said...

OMG, I'm with Kristina P!!! I thought I was the only one who noticed the weird nipple! I pointed it out to my BFF the third (woops, did I say 3rd?) time we saw it! Weirdness!!!

foxy said...

Hmmmmmm... I have to go back into the memory bank, it's been so long.

I thought the Alice's vision of E & B in the future was kinda gay. They could've made that SO much better.

Also, why does Edward have to be dressed like a dad all the time? He's a freaking high school kid for crying out loud - so wassup with the dad-suit??

I did love the soundtrack though... it's one of my favorites.

And I also really liked how they showed Oct, Nov, Dec - and the Lykke Li song that went with it.

kys said...

Yes, I DID notice those shoes. The whole movie was "meh" for me. From the crappy acting, bad makeup, to the not-hunky-enough- to hold my attention Wolf Pack.

The soundtrack is pretty good.

I'll bet the next one will be even worse. I'll still go though.

Julie said...

OMG..I'm seriously laughing my socks off! Alice's wardrobe was a major disappointment for sure. That coat/blanket looks like something I would wear to hide my back fat. I still saw it 3 times, don't tell anybody. (sorry I mentioned back fat)

Cottage Cheese Thighs said...

The whole running in slow motion in the meadow - what the crap - LAME! I still laughed through the whole movie - although I know my southern parts twittered when Jacob came on screen half nekid!

Amy said...

Hallelujah! You are b ack to blogging! I still haven't seen Twilight, so I have nothing on this one. But I can say, I am so glad to see you are back.

Lisa - The Heller Family said...

Shouldn't the head of the wolf pack be so built that its disgusting? They couldn't find anyone hotter? So disappointed in them. Maybe they just are making these movies too damn fast and not paying attention to detail. I wanted the break up scene to be really sad. Like, make me shed a tear sad. Didn't even come close.

Anonymous said...

I only saw one werewolf. There were others?!

I liked this cd, but didn't love it. The first soundtrack is better.

I have to agree that the wardrobe choices are horrible. This goes for every character.

Stephanie Faris said...

I read Twilight (well, about HALF of it)...and saw New Moon. I got a kick out of your analysis. I think part of my problem with the first book was I was picturing the actors from the movie, even though I hadn't seen it. I don't like the actors...and I can't explain why. They just seem flimsy and weak. I compared New Moon to a "special episode of Saved by the Bell." It just seemed too much like a teen soap...not strong enough to be based on the 'best book of our time.'