Tuesday, December 8, 2009

win a date with matthew bellamy

*** Edited to add, this is Matthew Bellamy. He is the lead guitarist/singer of the band Muse, who totally kick asphalt***


dear matthew,


you know how celebs are always offering to have lunch with winners from contests and such. i'd totally love to win a day (or night, cuz i'm guessing you're not really a morning day person) with you.

and i imagine that this is how it'd go down. yes, hold on for some totally fetch valentine theater!!!



you arrive an hour late. i was left waiting on the corner of hooker and druggy. not cool!


once your finally arrive, you mumble something unintelligible about a fight with a dolphin and a life long ban from sea world.


i ask where we're going to lunch. this being my first time in LA i am hoping for some awesome exclusive place i read in my celeb mags.


your answer, fuddruckers


you love the name. it makes you giggle everytime.


on the way, we pass an FYE. you yell at the driver to stop. next thing i know you have gotten into a fight with a walker texas ranger chuck norris cut out. he was starring you down and he has been asking for it for awhile. we get kicked out of the FYE, but not before you totally kick his a**



you tell me a joke about this guy that walks into a gas station, asks for some cigs, the gas station dude is all rude and stuff and the first fuy punches him in the ear. oh wait, that wasn't a joke, it's what you did last wednesday.



as we head to a club, we pass a post office, you start shouting out


"THEY WILL NOT FORCE US!
THEY WILL NOT CONTROL US!
WE WILL BE VICTORIOUS!"

and torch the place.



okay........that was weird. but i decide to go along with it cuz the postal lady is always up in my face about me not marking out the logos from my preused boxs.



this is some total bad a**-ery.




we go back to your place, you start to serenade me with endlessly (the hottest song ever) but only get halfway through it before you puke. a little gets on my shoes. i'm pissed.


you move in to get things started, but as you start to lean in, you pass out and land pretty hard on the floor. i get up and leave. it's fine, i wasn't planning on doing anything with you anyways. i am a loyal kinda gal.


i picked you for my celeb "lunch" cuz i'd get a totally awesome story to tell for the rest of my life without the inevitable walk of shame the next mornin'



rock on matthew, rock on!





p.s. who would be your celebrity that you'd have "lunch" with.....

7 comments:

Mighty M said...

Very funny - Fuddruckers, huh? :) They even still around?? I am not sure who I would pick, but I would NOT pick Tiger Woods, any of the Real Housewives, Paris Hilton, Britney Spears, or John Mayer!!

Kristina P. said...

I don't even know who this is. And I'm a celebrity gossip whore!

kys said...

Johny Depp!

hotpants™ said...

I only get one? Well, since I sense a rock star theme, I'm going with Kid Rock. Hells yeah!

S and O said...

OMG this has to be the funniest post I've read all day!!!
Partly because I'm totally obsessed with muse and the lead singer's annoying-moaning-singing voice and can totally enjoy/relate to this scenario you've created but mostly it's because of the way you wrote this!!!
the part with the postal office had me in tears, I could not stop laughing!!!

xoxo
Olivia

p.s. you've just got yourself another follower girl! (I'm so looking forward to reading more!)
:)

wonder woman said...

I have no idea who this is, but now I totally want to.

Matt Damon. Hands down. In a heart beat. We'd ride tandem bikes and play jokes on George Clooney and he'd teach me all his Jason Bourne moves. Then go beat up Daniel Craig.

The Rambler said...

Followed here from Hotpants.

Love the blog. Read thru and this post made me almost pee my pants.

:)