Monday, July 27, 2009

king of the douches

dear jon,

k, i wasn't gonna say anything. i was gonna let you and your ever dysfunctional family go your way and me, go mine. but i can't sit in silence any longer. i mean seriously dude, what the fetch? what are you doing? you have become the king of the douches.

now, before you get all excited about your new award, please realize that this is an honorary title. once there is another douchey guy who starts being all obnoxious, you have to pass the torch to him. so, let's sum up all your douche activity.


it was bad enough that when your divorce was announced you seemed to only care about you and and your happiness. but now, just a couple weeks later, you not only are dating a young 2o something, but two young 20 somethings.

and for some reason, they both seem to think they are in love with you. after just a couple of days (yeah, i feel like i am back in middle school.) i must admit, i don't see the appeal.


meh. i guess you could be cute, in a "i'm married with 8 kids" kinda way, but since you're not, you're not so cute. i mean, come on! the earring? you pull it off about as well as ross from friends.



to further your douche status, you have been hangin out with michael lohan, you know, lindsay's super creepy and lame dad. that right there makes you an automatic sleazoid, but add that to the fact that you have also been acting like quite the media whore, that makes you a douche.




in order to receive your king of the douches crown, there is a little oath that goes along with it. now, please raise your right hand, put your left hand on a 20 year old's hiney and repeat after me:


i solemnly swear to uphold the standard of douches everywhere
in my daily deeds and actions
i promise to love dane cook
to wear a totally lame earring
and to consitently wear ed hardy t-shirts
i will strive to honor my douche brothers
and to just be an overall jackass kinda guy.




congrats on your award,

28 comments:

The Redhead Riter said...

That's great. I don't like him at all any more either. Matter of fact, he made Kate look even better to me. Who cares if she is assertive...duh...THAT is not a bad thing!

Stopping by to give a little blog ♥

Alicia said...

i love the vow. spot on. i didn't know this level of douchyness existed until jon g. graced up with his presence.

Sarah said...

I was leaning toward team Jon at first but lately my decision has done a 180. Not that I care either way but you're right...Summer's Eve all the way!

PetalsYoga said...

That was beyond awesome! Very well said.

Eileen said...

Visiting from SITS and OMG I am dying of laughter here. You expressed this perfectly!

http://www.papermoonies.blogspot.com said...

drama
I cant imagine having my life on display for the world to see
That right there is enouph to make someone want to barf
Brittany
visiting from sits
http://www.papermoonies.blogspot.com

Orange Juice said...

Hes such a liar and i've never been on his side. EW! I'm kinda psycho bitch myself though so ya know...

ANYWAY he says he doesn't like being in the media...stays away... blah blah blah from the beginning he's been a liar. I had a billion things to say but at 130 am it all went bye bye... blah

debilyn said...

this was just too perfect! and yet another reason why i think you're so wonderful :)

personally, i'm sick of hearing about both of them. i'm on "team kids", and just hoping for their sake that their parents don't do irreparable damage to the all!

thatgirlblogs said...

You know, I think it's easy for these girls to "fall" for him because he's rich and has no responsibilities. Pretty fun to date someone who just wants to shop all day, or go to Paris. When the media tires of him and he has to go back to a real job someday... and the hair plugs fall out... and he runs out of Ed Hardy shirts... where will he be then?

Kate is doing her job. Good girl.

Kathie @ my net finds said...

I think he's having a mid-life crisis early or something!

Amy said...

Oh Valentine,

You know, if it weren't for you I would have no idea what is going on in the celeb side of the world. Thank you for your never ceasing attempts to keep me somewhat culturally aware!

Kristin said...

standing O

beth said...

brava, valentine, brava. there are no better words to describe him and his neverending parade of douchey shirts.

Aunt Julie said...

SITS sent me by...and I'm having a giveaway where EVERYBODY wins, so please come on down!

Kristina P. said...

He has totally taken this award from Mario Lopez.

Seriously, what happened to him!?!?

Mighty M said...

Haha!! He is on a downward spiral....wish he could get it together for the kids!!

hotpants™ said...

ross, although dorky, is at least cute. jon is not.

i hate dane cook so i'm glad you included him.

Jenni Jiggety said...

WELL SAID!

I wish they would both GO AWAY.

Whitney said...

so so true! I loathe both Jon AND Kate for being media whores and not putting their children first. I will say though, at least Kate is laying low. Sad sad sad for those adorable children.

Scrappy Girl said...

I totally agree...I think he is having a very early midlife crisis or something...blah!

The Blonde Duck said...

Hear, hear!

Lizzie said...

LOVE IT! couldn't have said it more. Hey wanna feel super special? swing over to my place there is an exciting event happening in YOUR HONOR!!!!

dood1ebugs said...

I totally agree. Well said. He says he is concerned about when his kids grow up and google him. Well stop doing stupid stuff that will make your kids upset!

He & Me + 3 said...

Popped over from Lizzie's blog. You are hilarious. I don't watch the show never have but just what I have heard from others makes me totally agree that he needs to be sporting that crown around.

ModernMom said...

Oh agreed...what happened to him?? And don't these young girls have any sense of self respect?

underthebigbluesky said...

i'm on team, let's blast both their asses into outer space and find their kids some real parents.

i love the cute in an eight kids kind of way.

Julie said...

What, you don't see how totally hot he is? C'mon! Even HE can see it in those shades.

ONe PiNK FiSH said...

funny. I also think he may be going through a midlife crisis... not that is a good enough excuse. I think after living with such a domineering wife he is expressing his freedom. One day he will probably regreat those choices though.