sprink break!

(i meant to post this about a week ago when it would have been more relevant. but better late than never, right?)

dear spring break party go-ers,

if you're like me (and, really, lets be honest. you probably are not) you might be getting sick of the rampant "how not to get raped" advice spewed out around this time of year. (if you are confused, please read up on how not to blame the victim)

this is the most common and insidious form of victim blaming. so common in fact, i would bet that most of my lovely readers didn't even recognize it as such!

but alas, to commemorate this most joyous time of year i thought i'd post Colleen Jameson's (i was going to hyperlink to the original, but doesn't seem to be working.) list of "not getting raped" advice. it actually might do some good! (my particular favorite is no. 7)

1. Don't put drugs in people's drinks in order to control their behavior
2. When you see someone walking by themselves, leave them alone!
3. If you pull over to help someone with car problems, remember not to assault them!
4. NEVER open an unlocked door or window uninvited (this one's for you edward cullen)
5. If you are in an elevator and someone else gets in, DON'T ASSAULT THEM!
6. Remember, people go to the laundry room to do their laundry. Do not attempt to molest someone who is alone in the laundry room.
7. USE THE BUDDY SYSTEM! If you are not able to stop yourself from assaulting people, ask a friend to stay with you while you are in public
8. Always be honest with people! Don't pretend to be a caring friend in order to gain the trust of someone you want to assault. Consider telling them you plan to assault them. If you don't communicate your intentions, the other person may take that as a sign that you do not plan to rape them
9. Dont forget: you can't have sex with someone unless they are awake!
10. Carry a whistle! If you are worried you might assault someone "on accident" you can hand it to the person you are with, so they can blow it if you do.

happy spring break! please don't rape anyone while you are on vacation!

this is news?

dear ricky martin,

we already knew you were gay. this isn't a big deal.

rickymartincomesout

(^^^^this is a hyperlink^^^^)

(THUNDERCATS!!!!!)

hurray for spring!!

dear spring,

you are one of my fav seasons eva!! right behind summer and fall. if this were the olympics and you were a weirdly proportioned athlete, you would be taking home the bronze medal to a proud (but still mildly disappointed) country! hurray!!

but i'm so glad you're here, because spring always brings the best stuff. flowers, and warm weather, rain to wash away the snow, and ....... W. T. F. !!!!!!



holy shiz spring! this year you brought me ET!!! this is the best spring ever!!! i found him hiding inside a shrub which had, sadly, outlived its usefulness. if this is the kind of treasure i find when i "garden" then i think i will just have to keep up this "gardening" thing.

(no i did not plant these just because they're called "Wee Willies". that was only part of the reason)

(grrrr, there seems to be some kind of glitch with blogger today. are the pics showing up now? or are they still no show?)

giveaway,one year and surfboards

dear LFV readers,


according to our calculations (and blogger) one year ago today, was the very first post of letters from valentine!!



we can't believe how quickly a year has gone by and well,


it kinda snuck (sneaked?) up on us and to celebrate this auspicious occasion we are gonna do a giveaway.


and since we are so awesome, you know the giveaway will be pretty awesome too.

and will probably involve you answering a question about a hypothetical situation revolving around some fictional characters.


so don't forget to stop back soon for that!



we really want to thank you all for a great year, you guys are trying fetch!


so, since today is our first birthday, we decided that the only way to truly celebrate it is with a



what. the. fetch.


moment.


enjoy.



so according to the new york post disney is doing some extra casting for the new pirates of the caribbean movie.


apparently they are tired of looking at super flat surfboard kiera knightley and sent out this casting call:


""beautiful female fit models. Must be 5ft7in-5ft8in, size 4 or 6, no bigger or smaller. Age 18-25. Must have a lean dancer body. Must have real breasts. Do not submit if you have implants."



and just to make sure that they don't let in any falsies,



"potential lassies will have to undergo a
Hollywood-style jiggle-your-jugs test and jog for judges."


um, what. the. fetch?



are we sure this isn't really a casting call for


privates of the caribbean?


"hello there captain jack sparrow, want to see my black pearl?"




happy one year everyone!!!


&


(ps, we just realized (and by "we" i mean valentine) that the comments were off! oops! d*mn you blogger!! they're back on now!)

new reason to hate you kstew

dear kstew,

i've never liked you, which i know you're well aware of as you are surely an avid fan of the demos bloggerweb posts. your oatmeal expressions and lack of voice inflection, not to mention your soulless ring-wraith eyes and awkward poses are the perfect blend of blech.




but this latest promo appearance inspires a whole new level of disgust! congrats! i didn't think it was possible! but by being a guest on that a**hat's "show", you really out did your blech-ness.

team coco will now forever shun you! you are shunned!! SHUNNED I SAY!!

(oh, and hello again to all the readers!! i know right? i've been gone for like 4 months and then just show up without warning, like i've been here the whole time. what can i say? sometimes you gotta race)

strange baby names

dear future parents,

i know that naming your child can be a long and frustrating time (k, i don't really know cuz, i don't have kids, but whatevs)



everyone giving their opinions, suggesting names, telling you that there is no pressure, but if you wanted, you could name your baby, after them.

but as someone who works in a field, that sees a lot of new baby names, i am here to help guide you with a list of names i suggest you NOT use:



Kindyl

k, so you lurve your new electronic reading device, great, but don't name your kid after it.



Trashod

so, i think the parent thinks that this spells "trey-shod" they would be wrong. but either way, whenever your kid has the world trash in their name, you are headed the wrong way on the baby naming road.


Khyron

this is sooo a robot name. and i have no doubt that this guy is gonna grow up to be the
Khyron 3000, domestic robot, and make his master proud.


Mysteri

guess what? mystery is already not an unusual name, you don't have to go and make it even more unusual by changing the 'y' to an 'i'


Porsche Mary

so, they gave her a white trashy first name, but to help her to be respectable, they gave her the most boring middle name ever! i am so naming my kid cougar fred.


La-A

what. the. fetch. kind of name is that? oh its supposed to be pronounced "La dash A"? in what world is this a name? i'm sure she won't spend her entire life correcting people and cursing her parents for giving her such a stupid moniker


Valaria

how is this not the generic drug name of valtrex?

"ah man, my peeps is totally burning, i need to take some valaria right away!"


Strawsee

i got nothin'.




again, this is just my opinion, you may totally love one or all of these names and are putting them down on your list. but just be fair warned, if you pick one of these names, i will make fun of you.







p.s. what strange names have you seen?

Valentine Visit

*** I wrote this post before Valentine's Day, but totally forgot to post it. I know the day has passed, but decided to go ahead and post it anyways!***

dear lovely children,


i know your aunty demosthenes and i have not been around lately. we were going to stop by for christmas, but what can i say? your parents phoned and told us you had been bad and to not bring any more silly presents for you.


well, they clearly don't know us very well, cuz how could we pass up all the lovely love goodies that we found?


love is certainly hard to find, but with this love gun, it just got a little easier. love with literally be in the air. just load up the love gun with one of the tiny cupids and aim it at the girl or boy of your dreams, and they will be yours.

*disclaimer*

we do not guarantee love will occur: bad hygiene, annoying laughs and weird habits must be factored in.

once you've got the girl, guy, person of your dreams, now what? from what i have seen, you can expect constant arguments of why he didn't compliment her new shirt to why she is always calling.

relationships are hard to maintain. but never fear, we've got your back baby ( i have a perpetual love/hate with eric from twilight for introducing that line into my vocabulary)

the love notes ball is here to help when you want to whisper sweet nothings into someones ear, and you can't think any nothings. just shake and look into the heart shaped window for 20 love messages.




and we didn't forget about all you losers single people, if you didn't find love this valentine's day, we have something for you as well:

your very own voodoo doll!

use this 9 inch doll to punish those who have may have wronged you, like that guy who you met at a party and you seemed to hit it off and he said he'd call you, but he never did, or you know, someone else.

stick a pin in the desired area to cause unfortunate events such as, a wine stain, insomnia or a hangnail.


*disclaimer*

please use your new found super powers in a responsible way.

and as always, we didn't forget about your parents:

How to Make Love: Secrets of Wooing from the 1930s. Follow this handy booklet and after 6 months before you know it, you'll be walking her home from church and holding hands on her parents front porch.



my my look at the time, we had better be off. but remember, if you are good, your aunties will be back and with some more awesomely sweet goodies!


aunty