summer visit

this is a repost. but it is one of my favorites




dear parents, (not mine, because they never take me anywhere)


well, it's that time of year again, school is out and that can only mean one thing, the summer vacation. i know you are really excited to be on that beach, having fun at a theme park or just hanging with family at a reunion (hey, i won't judge if that's your thang....) but i bet you're not looking forward to the long, hot hours in the car or long layover time at the airport. no worries, aunty demosthenes and i are here to help.




according to the package: this wonderful activity is simple, but yet the diversion you need "Every 50 miles your child gets to tear open the corresponding area on the package to reveal a small plastic novelty that should keep them busy temporarily so you can continue on your journey without their incessant nagging." sweet right? i think so, and the tiny plastic pieces are the perfect size for your little one to put in their mouth. a bonus!







nothing lift's a family's spirit on a long car ride more than a good yodel. i know what you're thinking "but, valentine, we don't know how to yodel" i got your back baby, the emergency yodel button. keep this with you at all times and when the need arises, press the button to hear the sweet mellifluous warbling of an alpine yodeler.






these dante's inferno balls are the key to silence. little mouths can't be running if they're being burned by "cinnamon candy forged by demons in the third circle of hell"







don't worry parents, i didn't forget about you, but come on let's be honest, all of the other presents were really for you. but in any case, i got you something that is so very functional and practical, you'll wonder why you didn't always have one.
the beware pick pocket wallet! i remember as a child, my dad was always stressed and worried on vacations because it was costing him an a**load and also the fear of having money stolen from the locals. well, this fantastic wallet will solve one of those problems.

the whimsical stick figure sternly cautions any potential pick pocketer that you mean business and will not put up with their thieving. and if they are so caught trying to steal, you will deliver a swift blow to their windpipe, rendering them unable to breathe...... hey they were warned. k, maybe not, but it's probably still a good deterrent to pick pockets.



well, it's time for us to be off. but, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.



aunty,

embarrassing food

there are some foods out there

that i get embarrassed when i order

or buy them.


like funyuns.

hot dang! do i love me some funyuns.

they are delicious

and is my preferred snack of choice.

unfortunately,

they are also the preferred snack

of the pot adled minds of the losers who live in their moms basement.

everytime i buy funyuns,

i feel like people look at me

like i am high, or am about to get high.


another one.

fish tacos.

i feel like a dirty frat bro

whenever i order them.

always.


what foods embarrass you?

hollywood roundup

dear hollywood,

so, i don't know if you remember awhile back

i mentioned that i love celebrity gossip.

like probably too much.

so i have decided to do a new feature here

at

letters from valentine

called







weddings


penelope cruz and javier

wed in a secret ceremony.

emily blunt and john krasinski


married in lake cuomo.


how adorable are these two??



carrie underwood and mike fisher

second helpings

bristol palin and levi johnston


are back together.


(anyone else think her nose looks different???)

and sienna miller and jude law are back together, again.
man, these two need some sort of punch card

celeb spawn

vince vaughn and wife, kyla weber
are having a baby.

anyone else taking bets on how long vince will stay tied down to a wife and baby?





as is funny man craig ferguson and his wife, megan.
do you watch craig? he is hilarious. weird and strange. but funny.

new obsession

dear katniss everdeen,



i just finished reading the first two books in the

hunger games trilogy

and i can't stop thinking about it.

and you.


i realize the books have been out for awhile.

and how awesome they are

is not news.

but i have fallen.

and fallen hard.



i thought the twilight saga

were incredible books.

and i guess they were.

at the time.


but i can't stop comparing you to bella.

you are both considered heroines.

but i can't help thinking that you are a true heroine

while bella is just a damsel in distress.

you are capable.

smart.

independent.

strong.



that the hero in the series,

peeta,

is a true gentelman.

a totally amazing guy.


while i now think edward

to be controlling,

boring

and borderline creepy.


and the writing.

as much as i love stephenie meyers ability to tell a story

her writing leaves something to be desired.

i was quite pleased that after i finished the second book,

i realized that no one had glowered.

or guffawed.


there is even a love triangle in this trilogy,

but i don't want to b*tchslap you

like i want to do to bella (especially in eclipse)

to yell at you that you don't deserve either of them.

but that i sympathize and even feel sorry for you

is the sign of a truly incredible story.


the next and final book,

Mockingjay,

comes out august 24

and i can't tell you have fetchin' excited i am!!

i plan to do the same thing i did with

the last harry potter.

buy the book and read it straight until i finish.

if that means not eating, going to the bathroom or sleeping

so be it!



everyone should run out now and go get the first two to get caught up.

don't plan on getting it from the library,

lady tremaine went to get them last week

and was told that 88 people are ahead of her!





see you in 39 days!

why it sucked

dear eclipse,


so lady tremaine and i saw you together last week.


and you didn't think we'd treat you any different than

new moon

or

twilight?


good. cuz we're not gonna.


1. actor switch

so lady tremaine and i agreed that riley totally should of

been cast as bella.



i mean, he acted the shiz out of the burning scene.

and they already had a wig.

done. and done.


2. the coordinated cullens




Val: what, did alice coordinate their fight clothes?

Demos: yeah, i can see her saying:

" this is very important to me emmett. i can't fight if we don't match"


3. fancy demetri


what is demetri doing in this scene?

i imagine the convo went something like this:

david slade: k, in this next scene try to act aloof. got it?

demetri: k, got it.

david: action! wait! Cut! Cut!

demetri: what?

david: i said be aloof! not a doof!



4. exercise classy


what is edward wearing? is that a sweater with track pants?

yeah, i think it is.

looks like he is trying to be his towns ron burgundy

"exercise classy, forks!"



5. the sometimes accent


oh my goodness.

bless jaspers little southern heart for really trying to sell that accent.

but just like the ending of new moon, it was laid on a bit too thick.

its like we get it!

You're Southern!

not only that, but i think carlisle got jealous of jaspers special elocution lessons and

decided to get in on the fun,

cuz he was fake accenting right along side with him.





in all fairness, this really should have been titled "why it rocked" .

this really was the best of the series so far, and we really had to dig deep into the barrel to find

stuff to make fun of.

but making fun is funner.

so we did that.


but surprisingly k.stew didn't give me a seizure with her incessant blinking and stuttering.


my mind didn't wander off when the wolves or jacob were on screen.


i loved the eclipse logo at the beginning of the movie.


and the soundtrack totally kick asphalt.

i have been listening to it non stop. still.


and the best part is that we are now this much closer to


BREAKING DAWN!!

giveaway winner

hope everyone had a relaxing, safe and patriotic 4th of july. i definitely did and am a little sad to be returning to work tomorrow. oh well.


so i was supposed to announce the sephora giftcard winner yesterday, um, yeah, that was bad planning on my part, i didn't realize that blogging would be the last thing i'd want to do with my glorious 3 day weekend.


anyways, thanks to everyone that participated.

thanks to random.org

the winner is:




so email me at valentineletters at gmail dot com and give me your address and i'll send your $40 giftcard. Congrats!


to everyone else, i will be doing another giveaway in a week or so. i was contacted by CSN stores to do a giveway for a $40 giftcard to any of their stores. it's just like christmas in july around here.

also, demos and i are working on our eclipse review, should have that ready soon,
so keep an eye out for that!

the end of a party

dear starz,


i just heard that you have decided to cancel the quirky, but incredbily hilarious

party down.

this was one of the whity-est and cleverest shows on tv.

you srsly suck.

but to soften the blow, i just found out my favorite guyliner lostie,
richard alpert

(nestor carbonell )

will be joining another of my favoritest shows

he is supposed to have a couple episode arc throughout the season

which starts july 14! i will definitely be watching.

i have missed my favorite psychic detective and sidekick

p.s. don't forget about the sephora giftcard giveaway!