girl crush

dear kristen,

i know i haven't always been very nice to you but in honor of memorial day tomorrow, i wanted to take today and play nice. but i know what you're thinking, memorial day was monday....well, according to wikipedia, it turns out that actually memorial day is may 30, and we observe it on the monday before to allow for a three day weekend. ah ha you've been wikied- so suck on that kstew!! okay, this is not a very good start to being nice....

anyways, this is my absolute favorite picture of you! you look totally beautiful. and hot, your legs go for days and is that a hint of a smile? i think it is. in this picture i kinda understand why rob seems interested in you, in every other photo i am convinced that he just hangs out with you so he can score free weed.

in this picture you look like you probably smell really nice, as opposed to real life where demos and myself are positive that you smell like pot and funyuns. in this picture you don't have hate and resentment in your eyes because someone wants a pic with you. in this photo, you actually look like you might have had fun at this shoot....is it possible that you can deviate from your surly, brusque and totally oatmeal personality and be happy and enjoy your fame? anything is possible.

anyways, for today i will put my snarkiness and frustration with you on hold. i will appreciate the awesomeness that is this picture and hope that someday you will allow us to see your happy, beautiful side again.


totally girl crushin',

paper or plastic?

dear walmart,

i love shopping at your stores. i really do. you are everywhere, you carry just about everything, and best of all, you are cheap! that last one really helps a girl like myself out. i can now buy way cooler stuff that i want, because i didn't just pay an a**load of money on stupid food.

i do have some frustration in regards to your employees. why don't they know how to bag groceries? i would think that in the job description, correct bagging of groceries would be high on the list, i don't know for sure, but my best guess is that it's up there.


from what i have seen from most of the employees at my local walmart, is that you had them watch a 10 minute video. and i am sorry to say, i don't think the video has paid off. in fact, i would bet that more than half of your employees were asleep during it, which would explain why there is so much variance in their bagging process.


you have the one dude who seems to think that everything weighs the same. he apparently sees no reason why heavy canned goods should not go on top of bread. either he is unaware of physics or he is an a**hole who is upset that he works at walmart, so my bread suffers for his life decisions.


then you have the bag nazi who seems to think that there is a shortage in bags. hey, i am all for not wasting excess resources, but there is a difference between being eco conscious and just an idiot. in what world does it seem appropriate to put an entire cart of groceries into 3 bags?! srsly? what the fetch?

and lets not forget the exact opposite of the bag nazi, the lady who seems to think that each item gets its own bag! so then i end up with 30 bags, which is not only awkward and weird, but it's also wasteful. why is there so much inconsistency in their bagging???

oh well, as i said earlier, your prices can not be beat, so i will continue to patron my local neighborhood walmart, but agghh! doesn't mean that it isn't frustrating each time i go!



you should really look into changing your bagging orientation,




p.s. sound off- where are the places you hate going?

fighting the good fight

dear valentine,

whats the grossest thing you can think of? if you answered: old people having sex, then please read on. for those of us who find the very thought of wrinkly, crinkly, senior citizen doggie style to be vomit inducing, there is hope in store.

virginia congress person, tim moran, feels the same way as us, ladies and gents. he has offered to save our brains from these disturbing mental images by introducing the: "Families for ED Advertising Decency Act, which prevents erectile dysfunction and male enhancement ads from appearing on radio and television between the hours of 6 a.m. and 10 p.m"

can i get a hallelujah?

the next time you see an ad for viagra and the image of an old dude with wrinkly balls and a broken penis riding bronco on his saggy boobed, balding wife appears in your mind, just remember..... the forces of righteousness are fighting the good fight to save future generations from these disturbing and rather frightening mental pictures.


lets all give a collective shout out to representative moran and his noble cause,

awe-summm!

dear lady cakes,





thanks for passing the queen of all things awe-summm! award on to demosthenes and myself. we really appreciate it! i love your cake decorating tutorial blog. it is absolutely fantastic and you have such wonderful videos.


Queen Duties are as follows:
1. List 7 things that make you awe-summm.
2. Pass the award onto 7 bloggers that you think are awe-summm.
3. Tag those bloggers to let them know they are now Queens too (and link back to the Queen who tagged you).


okay, 7 things that make me awe-summm:

1. i have an incredible memory, at least for all things trivial, i can quote almost any line from any movie or tv show.

2. i make crazy delicious deserts

3. my best friend/sister, demosthenes

4. i love musicals and black and white movies, preferably from the 1940s and 50s

5. i am tongue tied (it's part of what makes me- me)

6. i have lived in 5 states in 8 years

7. i wear the same size clothes as i did in high school



and since this award was given to both demos and myself,


here are 7 things that makes demosthenes awe-summm:

1. my sense of humor

2. i can bench just as much as my husband

3. i own my own business

4. i like cooler movies than valentine ;)

5. my butt looks awesome in tight jeans

6. i'm vegan

7. my best gal, valentine




i would like to pass this onto:

1. clare at this and that

2. whitney at the king and i

3. debilyn at definitely debilyn

4. kel at girl in the glasses

5. pam at pam's perspective

6. sara at unwrap life

7. beth at be careful what you wish for



isn't it awesomely awesome to be awesome?

rules of life

dear rob,




"dude where are you? i've been waiting by this dumpster for over an hour.........the robstew does not wait"


let me explain the backstory of that caption....demos and myself have a list of 10 rules, rules to live life by, per se. #7 on that list says that if you are gonna give someone a bj, it should be behind a dumpster. after looking at the list one day, we realized that you are invoking that rule everywhere you go! you are totally getting them from crazy fans, crazy fans' moms and crazy co-stars (ahem...nikki reed)

so when i saw this pic, i instantly knew what you were doing, you were waiting by a dumpster for a special friend to show up and make your night. demos and i totally agree you are waiting for someone, but who that someone was......


val: so why do you think he'd be waiting for jackson (jasper) instead of kellan (emmett) or peter (carlisle)? is it his aura of being slightly disturbed? his deep penetrating eyes? his love of suits and cowboy boots?


demos: its totes the deep penetrating eyes. lol.i can just see jackson and rob pattz, can't you? kellan is too much of a mans man to do that sort of thing with another dude. but the other two? they look like they're still trying to "find themselves" lol


val: yeah.... i guess i can see jackson being more likely to be up for stuff like that, and he is also kinda on the fringe of the whole twilight cast, so maybe he would also do it to be included. lol. now him and nikki reed have something to talk about!

demos: lol, he'd give rob a bj to be included? he'll be on oprah in 5 years "i was just trying to get him to like me, and now my life is all messed up...."


yeah, i totally know what you are up to, if you want me to keep it quiet, then meet me by the dumpster....

day 4 - vampire week (BDB)

if you are not familiar with emo edward or (EE) read this first

dear readers,


here is a convo demos and i had after i found out about a new vampire series:



Val: OMG!!! a gal here at work is listening to this vampire romance book, called eternal love. she had me listen to a couple of minutes of it....it is the lamest thing i have ever heard LOL the part i heard has the main character, mary, with her friend, visiting this place where all these vampires live together ( i think it's totally a vampire YMCA LOL)

she is in the hallway and a vampire, named rhage ( i kid you not) thinks she smells effing awesome and essentially starts to accost her with a d*ck as hard as diamonds ( srsly, that is what it said LOL) he loves the way that she speaks so he keeps telling her to say words like "luscious" and "strawberry" LOL anyways, they are interrupted by two of his friends ( vicious and wrath, who the fetch came up with these?) who tell him that he needs to stop because there is no sex in the hallway.

i can totally see it:

wrath: "rhage! we've been through this, there is a sign"

vicious: "if we catch you trying to have sex in the hallway again, we are going to revoke your membership" LOL


Demos: OMG!!!! that is sooooo bad!!! i'm dying over here, is your friend reading this for real, or for laughs? what a crappy, crappy book! i'm second hand embarrassed for the author, and third hand embarrassed for the reader, LOL.

i bet rhage crossed out the "no" part of the "no sex in the hallways sign", LOL. "they'll never know!!"

Val: so apparently this series is called the black dagger brotherhood (BDB) series (must be the name of the club they have at the vamp YMCA LOL)


Demos: LOL, the black dagger brotherhood club at the vamp YMCA!!! that is too funny! do they have monthly membership meetings and dues? or maybe they solve mysteries?


Val: i love that they have a club! i bet they totally have meetings and monthly dinners at great eateries around town like fuddruckers!!!


Demos: OMG, wait for it..... wait for it..........

Rhage: oh sh*t, look who just walked into the YMCA.....

wrath: you've got to be kidding me, didn't we kick him out last week?

(and enter stage left,EE!!)


EE: hey guys! whats up? we headed to fuddruckers? i know i can't eat like you guys do, but whatevs, we get to hang out! am i right? who messed up the "no sex in the hallway" sign?


Val: I totally love (to the 35th power!!) that EE showed up at the vamp ymca! they'd totally kick him out. he's probably the one who put the no sex sign up in the first place!!

EE: " hey rhage, my girlfriend, bella is coming to see me later.... what? no, i will being no such thing with her. no, no, its my skin that's like diamonds, not my d*ck......you guys always confuse that....."

Demos: esme (answering the telephone): oh hi rhage. again? okay, i'll be right over to pick him up

Val: i can imagine esme had to pick EE up because he was having a hypoglycemic fit, running around the YMCA imposing rules on everyone! LOL


keepin it real, vamp style,

day 3 - vampire week (emo edward)

dear edward (cullen, of course!)

demosthenes and i love you. you are so wonderfully perfect, from your perfect face, your perfectly chiseled body to your perfect manners as the perfect gentleman....frankly, it can be a little boring and not hilarious at all. and since hilarity is what keeps demosthenes and i sane, we have created a more fun version of you.

it all started after reading this fetchingly awesome convo (warning: effing hilarious, but very adult content)

if you didn't have time to read the entire thing, (that's cool, i realize not everyone has 8 work hours a day to kill)but i would highly recommend at least reading the first part of it. but i'll sum it up with this: it's essentially these 2 chicks talking about how funny it is that all the cullen couples were having "relations" all those decades, while you were alone. as we know in the books, that is why you are the most intelligent, because you spent your nights reading, learning and staying pure.

but an unfortunate side effect of....um repression, is that you turned into a neurotic, 40 year old house wife, complaining about messes, disorderly conduct and emmett's childish pranks.

anyways, demosthenes and i loved that convo, so much so, somehow over time that version of you was tweaked a little and you became a neurotic, sulky, emo teenager! LOL and we lovingly gifted this new version of you with the name of "emo edward"

so, now you know the origins of emo edward, i must admit that we love him. more than you. sorry, but you are just too boring to be fun and hilarious. but you are still our number 2 guy (maybe 3rd.....we love us some jasper)

hope you understand,



p.s. we totally envision that emo edward would be the end result from a drunken one night mistake between luke skywalker and hermione granger! he would totally get luke's whiny-ness and hermione's insane need for rules! LOL

day 2- vampire week (true blood)

dear true blood,


you're a pretty good series, and you did a few things right. i mean, this is what a vampire is supposed to look like:





you'll notice that he's not sparkling, nor is he wearing a turtleneck. bill compton looks f*&%ing mean. there is witty dialogue, an intriguing premise, and vampires that get burned by the sun. so whats my problem? aside from the spotty acting and atrocious accents, my problem centers around the way the three male leads all desperately try to get into sookie's pants.


she's not even that hot people! are there no other single women in louisiana? is the gap in her front teeth really that irresistible? in the famous words of heath ledger "does she have beer flavored nipples"? or perhaps in this case, O neg flavored nipples?





season two is starting in a few weeks, so unless you want to replace anna paquin with angelina jolie, lets tone down the number of penis' desperately trying to bone sookie stackhouse, kay? it'll make it all a little more believable.

day 1- vampire week (top 5)

dear new moon,

as you can see, we are kicking off our theme week today! totally sweet right? we think so. to start off your monday and ease you into the rest of the week, demosthenes and i came up with a top 5 reasons why your movie will suck.

you are our least favorite book, so hence will be our least favorite movie, but we realize that you play an important part in edward and bella's relationship....so we could never really dislike you. this is all in good fun. and besides,you are totes getting off easy, we gave your friend, twilight, 10 reasons why it sucked....


top 5 reasons new moon will suck:



1. no grand theft auto will actually take place

2. no lesbian love scene between nicki reed and kristen stewart

3. werewolves. meh

4. more cheesy sparkling

5. kristen stewart still won't be dead at the end



countin' it down vampyre style,




p.s. hope you enjoy the theme week!

holy lame sauce batman!

dear valentine,

i enjoy a good superhero movie as much as the next guy..... well..... maybe not quite as much as THIS guy:



for four years cincinnati has been protected by its own home grown caped crusader. he calls himself "shadow hare". was that really the best name he could come up with?!?! talk about not striking fear into the hearts of villains.... he may as well call himself "captain pansy", at least that implies some amount of authority.

and apparently he's not alone, there is a whole league of non-fear-inducing super heroes loose in the US. they call themselves the "allegiance of heroes" and include such lame sauce names as: "wall creeper" in colorado, "master legend" in florida, and "aclyptico" in pennsylvania. (okay, so maybe aclyptico is kind of a bad a** name)

and the best part? shadow hare has an arch nemesis! a super villain from the "consortium of evil" located in "the dark side". as you can tell from his craigslist add he must want to catch shadow hare very badly if he's willing to offer $10 in exchange for shadow hares identity. my advice to shadow hare? turn yourself in, take the money, buy a latte and end the embarrassment.





you can't make this sh*t up,

me? lovely?

dear kristen,




this is so incredibly awesome!! demosthenes and i are so supes excited to be gifted with this lovely blog award! i never thought that would be a word that described demos or myself! our mom will be so proud! i love your blog, you find super sweet fashion for super sweet prices. i love the outfits that you make to help people like myself who can not seem to coordinate clothes! LOL thanks again, we are totally psyched to be getting this.


Here are the rules of this lovely award:
1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.
2) Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award


i'm not that cool....so i don't have 15 new blog friends LOL. so i'm just gonna pass it onto 10 new bloggy chicas ( in no particular order )

1. handbags and handguns
2. happily ever after
3. la vie est belle
4. my net finds
5. chocolate chip waffle
6. the luckiest mrs
7. the mighty m family
8. simply b
9. v spot
10. whitney inspired


rockin' the lovliness,

baby mama

dear preggo women,


um, yeah, this video about sums it up!

Pregnant Women are Smug -- powered by Cracked.com

and since it has been awhile since we did a haiku, here is one for your enjoyment:

now that you're pregnant
you don't care about real life
it drives me crazy



it needed to be said,

trust me...

dear quentin tarantino,




i am just not a fan of your movies. which to be honest isn't really fair, because i have only seen the first kill bill movie, and found it boring, my mind wandered off and i really don't remember much about it, except that i didn't like it.


but, my wonderful sister, demos, insists that they are not only good, but are fetching awesome. so i am gonna let her cash in one of her "trust me cards"




and give them a try. however, after i have watched them and if i still think they suck, then you and i dear friend will have to part ways, agreeing to disagree.


not yet a fan,

p.s. i feel like i owe you an apology, i accidentally confused your famous movie, reservoir dogs, with catherine hardwicke's, lords of dogtown. in my defense, they both had the word "dog" in it. apparently i am easily confused. anyways, i do realize that you and catherine are very different directors with very different styles. it won't happen again.

p.p.s i totally made that trust me card, jealous much?

got balls?

here is another awesome post by demosthenes, and in classic demos style, she says it like it is. just so you know, you may want to proceed with caution LOL. enjoy!

~valentine~



dear valentine,

its strange to me that when someone does something courageous, strong, or tough a person might say "wow, do they have some balls!" (or any other of the 5 million variations on that phrase). really? testicles? the single weakest part of a mans body? the part that by kicking (or even just tapping kinda hard) you can bring a grown man down to his knees in tears asking what he did to deserve the pain?




how the f&*^ did that end up being a euphemism for strength!? now, pussy on the other hand, we all know what that's a euphemism for. weak and scared. ya, srlsy, the part of a woman's body that survives pushing an 8 lb watermelon out of its 10 cm opening is the name given to someone who's supposed to be weak!

i'll challenge my husband to a south park style roshambo contest (episode 112, its hilarious) and we'll see who wins, his balls or my pussy!

what don't you understand?

dear grammatically incorrect,

you annoy me. i'm sorry, but it's true. ever since i was young, it has bothered me. whenever someone uses or writes a word incorrectly, it rouses something deep inside of me that makes me want to scream.

i think my frustration stems from simply not understanding where the confusion comes from. i mean, why do you think that there, their and they're are interchangeable? or how about to, too and two? these are all very different words with very different meanings. i just don't get it.




i also don't quite get why people(which i have only noticed since moving to utah) say that "they seen something" seen it you say? so not that you see something or saw someone, but you seen it? interesting...


a little off topic, but still in the realm of things that annoy and perplex me:
that kid,(there's always one) who would show up to class without paper or a writing utensil. um.....did you think there was no school today? did you think it was a field trip or all day recess? why did they think they wouldn't have to write that day.....at school. and of course, they always wanted to "borrow" a pen and some paper. yeah, never got that back. and to add to it, the next day, they'd come to school again without proper writing supplies! um....what happened to the stuff i gave you yesterday? and then of course, they'd hit up another kid for pen and paper. and so it would go, every day, making the rounds.

i realize that these are very minor infractions and in the large scheme of things, they don't really matter. but that doesn't mean that they're not irritating....



still waiting for that paper...



p.s. demosthenes hates it when you say "irreregardless". it's just regardless. got it? k, thanks!

visit

dear kids,

are you tired of your usual, everyday and boring toys? of course you are, they suck. well, aunty demosthenes and i have a surprise for you!




you can bring the real life experience of a rabid pet into your own home, without your parents freaking out. these fantastic animals are great for hours of fun and entertainment!!




ah, the evil verses good unicorn play set, demos and i, like to think that they are just having philosophical differences:

evil unicorn: "for the last time, mermaids aren't real!"
good unicorn : "eff you evil unicorn, eff u!"




and lastly, we understand that it can be hard to always be thinking of excuses for why you didn't do your homework, clean your room or hang out with the creepy kid across the street. so we got you this awesome excuse ball. the package says it has 20 excuses ranging from "my dog ate it" to "mexican food". so you should be covered for almost any request made of you.



and since your parents are always so kind to let us drop in, we decided to gift them with this corn dog air freshener. if they close their eyes they will be able to almost smell the sweet honey batter, the steamy meat product and the sweat of carnival workers. yum!




well, it's time for us to be off. but if you are real good, we will stop by again and bring you some more fetchingly sweet presents.



aunty,

is this deja vu?

dear matthew mcconaughey,




your new movie, ghosts of girlfriends past, came out this weekend, and i must admit, i think i have already seen this movie....yes, i am almost certain that even though it just came out on friday, i indeed saw this movie a year ago.





no wait, i haven't seen it. but you can understand my confusion right? i mean, they all look the same.... i know you probably thought that people wouldn't notice or that it would have taken us longer to get wise.... but i think your movie formula has been cracked: a pun or two, a cutesy tag line, an infuriating title and a picture of you smirking like an absolute tool. i understand movie ideas aren't always easy to come up with, but you can't even deviate from the formula to at least make an original effing movie poster?!?

to save you and your agent time, here are some ideas for your next movies, courtesy of cracked.com










my commission is 15%,

why it sucked

dear twilight,

demosthenes and i love twilight! we truly do. we are huge twi-nerds! we love, love the books. we loved the movie. between the two of us, we probably watched it over 30 times. however, there are some things about it, that did suck. we came up with our top 10 reasons why it sucked. hey, what else are we gonna do during the 8 hours we're supposed to be working?

top 10 reasons twilight sucked:



1. kristen stewart didn't die in the end


2.kevin bacon wasn't in it (f-o-o-t l-o-o-s-e, nuff said)


3.jackson rathbone didn't take his shirt off while playing baseball. come on, if vampires are going to play baseball they should at least take off their shirts


4. they left out the edward cullen pimp scene


5. hairy edward... ever hear of a wax?



6. the gaysian- aka eric


7.butt crack santa..... WTF? ChiMo much?


8. they mention monkeys twice.... and yet there were no monkeys.... how disappointing


9. now the jonas bros want in..... NOOOOOOOOSSSSS!!!!



10. there was no hot and steamy vampire sex


please don't be offended. like i said, we love you! we always will! but that doesn't mean that there isn't room for improvement!

rollin' it dave letterman style,