you call these vampires?

dear valentine,

i think we can add a new reason why new moon will suck to our list. don't get me wrong, i am so excited to see it with you! but i died laughing when i saw the pics of the infamous volturi bad vamps

source

a key element to twi vamps is that they are always BEAUTIFUL! all of them, no exceptions. so why do aro, marcus and caius look about as alluring as a fat old man's a**? lets break this down shall we?


when i look at aro all i can see is pippin's embarrassing half brother who also happens to have a debilitating deformity. i mean come on guys, am i right or am i right?

"sorry professor marcus, i forgot to finish my defense against the dark arts homework"

and here we have the unholiest of unholy unions between ichabod crane and legolas (so that would make his celeb name ichabogolas? legobod? lichalas?)

now they at least got something right with jane and alec. they are beautiful its true. (much relieved). but where is the menace? where's the intensity? they're about as frightening as american girl dolls. i will be looking for the "meet jane" and "alec learns a lesson about honesty" books at the bookstore!

ah sigh. what would we do without twilight to make us laugh? (and you're no exception stephanie meyer, you're next. did you really think you could dress edward in beige turtlenecks and sleeveless button down shirts and there wouldn't be any repercussions?)

sadly disappointed,

that's right, we're cool.

dear lfv readers,


we have been featured! thats right, holla!!! the fantastic and fabulous lizzie over at infectious chatter spotlighted us as her august featured blogger. pretty sweet right? we thought so. it even comes with this fetching awesome award!!

we were so excited when we found out that lizzie chose us as her august feature. here is the convo that followed:

valentine: hey we were featured! how sweet is that? did you see the award that comes with it? it's totally kick asphalt. um, yeah, that is a girl walking one of the robots from the third star wars movie!


demosthenes: that is cool!! i'm glad someone appreciates our art*!! and the award is AWESOME!!! but i must correct you. you said the third movie? oh val.... (shakes head sadly).

*sorry, dear reader, here is where we totally deviate off topic and onto the awesomeness that is star wars*

its from the empire strikes back, so the 5th movie if you count the lame new ones, and the second movie of the originals... in no way is it the third movie, lol. and the machines are called AT-AT's (all terrain armored transports)


valentine: ohhhh, for some reason i thought the AT-ATs were from the one with hoth.... LOL i guess not. either way, it is an effing cool pic


demosthenes: ATAT's are the ones from hoth!!! hoth is the second movie! sheesh, you need to turn in your star wars card


valentine: what a day! first i lose my twilight card and now my star wars..... at this rate my wallet is gonna be empty!

so, we got a little off topic. okay, a lot off topic. but, even though we got sidetracked, we are totally stoked to be featured! we can't believe that anyone would keep coming back for more of what we dredge from the cracks of the internet, but you do and that is fetching cool. we really, really appreciate it. now head on over to lizzie's to check out our awesome-o featurette!

we're cool because lizzie said so,
&

* if by art you mean finding weird stuff on the internet and makin fun of crazies, then yes, we are artists of the interwebs

king of the douches

dear jon,

k, i wasn't gonna say anything. i was gonna let you and your ever dysfunctional family go your way and me, go mine. but i can't sit in silence any longer. i mean seriously dude, what the fetch? what are you doing? you have become the king of the douches.

now, before you get all excited about your new award, please realize that this is an honorary title. once there is another douchey guy who starts being all obnoxious, you have to pass the torch to him. so, let's sum up all your douche activity.


it was bad enough that when your divorce was announced you seemed to only care about you and and your happiness. but now, just a couple weeks later, you not only are dating a young 2o something, but two young 20 somethings.

and for some reason, they both seem to think they are in love with you. after just a couple of days (yeah, i feel like i am back in middle school.) i must admit, i don't see the appeal.

meh. i guess you could be cute, in a "i'm married with 8 kids" kinda way, but since you're not, you're not so cute. i mean, come on! the earring? you pull it off about as well as ross from friends.



to further your douche status, you have been hangin out with michael lohan, you know, lindsay's super creepy and lame dad. that right there makes you an automatic sleazoid, but add that to the fact that you have also been acting like quite the media whore, that makes you a douche.

in order to receive your king of the douches crown, there is a little oath that goes along with it. now, please raise your right hand, put your left hand on a 20 year old's hiney and repeat after me:


i solemnly swear to uphold the standard of douches everywhere
in my daily deeds and actions
i promise to love dane cook
to wear a totally lame earring
and to consitently wear ed hardy t-shirts
i will strive to honor my douche brothers
and to just be an overall jackass kinda guy.

congrats on your award,

queen of comic con

dear crazy twilight fan at comic con,


as i was perusing my fav. twilight blog for any and all updates of twilight at comic con........ then shedaisy!! i stumble upon this pic. of you.

the following convo ensued:

val: did you see this pic? a reader sent this in. herself. it's a pic of her sitting on the volturi throne at comic con. i laughed out loud when i scrolled down and saw it! yeah, i'm going to hell.

demos: ahhhhH!!!! i think my eyes just exploded!!


val: it was one of those posts that you have to click to continue to see the rest, so i did....there should have been a warning! why does she look like she wants to eat me for lunch?



demos: she does look like she wants to eat you! and not in a scary vampire kind of way, but in a i'm too hungry to wait for mcdonalds kind of way!!

i was gonna pixelate your face to save you some dignity, but come on. if you were worried about your dignity would you have sent this pic to one of the most popular twilight blogs? for all of twilight-dom to see? and for me to steal and show to others? i think not.


to save you time, don't bother sending us hate mail, we know we are bad. we have already bought our direct flight, one way tickets to hell. and i think we are okay with it.



sooo second hand embarrassed,
&



p.s. to all our utah biddies , happy pioneer day! holla!!

no quiero taco bell

dear valentine

this one goes out to an american icon who recently passed away. no, i'm not talking about michael jackson. and no its not ferrah fawcett either. a moment of silence please on behalf of gidget, the taco bell dog.

******(silence)********

poor tiny little gidget died tuesday of a stroke. after a good long 15 years of life she's now in heaven with the angels, providing them with tasty, cheap, tex mex in the sky. here's to you gidget. we applaud your life's work of making taco's the most adorable food on the planet.

toy makers of the year

dear toy makers,


i understand that it can sometimes be difficult to think up new toys. something that is so totally awesome. something that all the kids drive their parents insane asking 100 times if they can have one. but with some toys, maybe you should have "slept on it" before you went ahead and decided to produce, market and sell said toy. par exemple:



okay, jack-in-the-boxes are already totally creepy. so how to make it less creepy? hey wait, i know! make the jack a weird eyed, purple space alien named blippy! um, yeah, no.




k, this is the creepiest way to save money ever. yes, this is a bank. a face bank. why oh why did someone think this was a great idea? if i were a kid, i'd rather eat my change rather than stick my hand into that freaky mouth. don't worry, someone at the toy company realized that this was weird and made it less freaky.....




or not. yeah, no eyes makes it tons less creepy. i imagine this is what a gumby character from hades would look like.





holy hannah! what is this? it appears to be My Little Prostitute Pony. no wait. it's only struts, the toy that "combines a little girl's love for horses with her love for fashion dolls." okay....good. i was concerned for a second.




yea! it's the chester molester doll, hugo, man of a thousand faces. i mean, could he be anymore creepy? between his dark stare, tiny arms and half body, i don't know which is worse.

look, he even comes with all sorts of disguises so he can stalk children safely in the open. whoever thought up this toy should be forced to have it by their bed all night. the thought of those beady eyes staring at you in the dark is punishment enough. major fail!



back to the drawing board guys,

bread line

dear walmart,


k, i know i recently ranted about you and your incompete employees and their lack of bagging knowledge. so i know i should go complain about someone else for awhile, but you are being annoying again!


i shop my neighborhood walmart almost exclusively. i actually like your store brand, great value. the hubs and i don't notice a taste difference between the GV and name brands, plus the GV is just so fetching cheap. how can you go wrong with that incredible 5 letter word?



but on my most recent trip to my neighborhood market, i noticed something strange on the shelves. they changed the packing on their GV foods. now, normally i wouldn't care. i mean, packaging is packaging. as long as the price doesn't go up. fine by me. but your choice of packaging just is not cool.

what. the. fetch. is. this? the plain white with blue writing? it makes me feel like i am in some sort of bread line in communist russia. not to mention that when i plop down one of these items to check out, i feel like the box is screaming "look at me! the person buying me is so effing poor! they can't even afford proper labels"


now, i am not generally an insecure or self conscious person, but srsly! are you trying to shame me into buying the "real" food? or are you just trying to demoralize me to the point that i just stop eating and don't have to buy any food?


now, i know it's not just you. target has also recently changed their packaging, however theirs isn't quite as paltry looking.

what was wrong with the other packaging? were people getting confused and buying the real shiz instead? were there large groups of angry and confused customers pissed that they bought downy dryer sheets instead of the store brand?



i guess i'd be happier if you were cutting back on packaging costs to pass the savings onto me, the customer, but you aren't. that shiz is the same fetching price!!! sorry, i get quite passionate when it comes to my groceries. i hope that this is just some phase you are going through and will eventually change it back to the way it was.

not resigned to bread lines yet,

weekend gift

dear lfv readers,

i don't really have anything interesting, clever or witty to say. i just can't look at those nasty meat pictures anymore. they have to go. now. they have to leave the top of this page.

i thought what better way to rid our brains of those disgusting images than pictures of absolutely adorable puppies? so here is my weekend gift to you, to help you past this trauma.

enjoy,

for the love of meat

dear valentine,


remember that post of gross looking food from the 70's? and i thought surely it was just a 70's thing.... modern americans would never dare eat such disgusting looking food...... well i was wrong. found an article on womansday.com (don't ask why i was on that website.... you don't want to know the answer) that made me lose my appetite for days.


the lovely little article dubbed this monstrosity the "porkgasm". but being vegan, i prefer to think of it as pig hell. and human hell for that matter. i think this is what a bajingo (vajayjay, who ha or miss. priscilla) would look like if it exploded in the microwave

pizza-crepe-taco-pancake. now if you're thinking that couldn't get any more disgusting, just listen. that's not just any old, regular pizza crepe taco pancake. its a beef/bean taco, deep fried gordita shell, crepe filled with eggs/mushrooms, chicago style meat lovers pizza, and a BLUEBERRY pancake. all wrapped together before being mercilessly dipped in batter and deep fried.

if you're thinking "holy sh*t, what happened to that dildo?" the answer is, it turned into 2 lbs of meatloaf stuffed with macaroni and smothered in bacon.

this is just a scam. this b*tch costs $150. eff that.

i hope you didn't eat lunch before reading this....

newlyweds: part deux

dear jessica,

OMG! i just heard that tony romo dumped you. the day before your birthday. are you okay? he's a jerk. you are so much better without him. he was holding you back. you want my brothers to go beat him up?

k, now that i got all of the "good girlfriend" responses out of the way. let's move onto the topic at hand, you getting back with nick.

yes, i think you should totally get back with nick! it's fated. i mean, he just broke up with that vanessa girl, you just broke up with tony....i see one of cupid's arrows at work here.

before you write me off for spewing utter nonsense, hear me out. sure, you guys had some issues the first time around. sure nick thought you were childish, and you thought he was a jerk. sure your creepy dad was around way too much. but that is all in the past.

you have both grown and matured and have no doubt come to the conclusion that the dating world is full of losers. so what are two semi normal, c list celebrities, who want a family to do? why get remarried of course!

look it, i even know what you can call your show this time around

huh? whatcha think?



wait, what about this one?

yeah, i think they rock too. call the artistic director, or you know, whoever is in charge of this stuff and tell them not to worry, valentine's got it covered.

oh, wait. got a little carried away with my own grandeur. sorry about that, right! you and nick. so i think you guys should give it another shot. but this time around, as your best girlfriend, i'd recommend not doing another show. in fact, just stay away from the public for a little while. and you should definitely lock the door and do not give your father a key!

rockin' it cupid style,



p.s. if you have a little girl, valentine is a great name. just sayin'

watch out for the idiot hole

dear alexa,


so....you've had quite the weekend. your heroineing adventure hit newspapers on saturday, you can read it here if you are interested. you know, if your traumatic experience has left you shaken and forgetful.


still confused as to what i am referring to? k, so apparently you were walking in NYC, city of apples, a few days ago. just texting (no doubt something deep and super important that couldn't wait until you not walking)and minding your own business when out of nowhere the ground was no more and you fell. fell into an opened manhole. yes, you were so busy texting your deep thoughts that you totally missed that there was a huge gaping hole in the effing ground!


now the men that were working on this manhole said that they left it unattended for a minute. they left so they could go get some big, bright orange cones to put around the hole. huh, the irony.....


granted, they probably should have left one dude there, while the other went to get the cones, but i am sure they thought that no one would be able to miss the fact that that there was a hole. and certainly no one would be dumb enough to walk into it. congrats 16 year old alexa from staten island, you proved them wrong!!


now, your mama is trying to sue. of course she is. she can't face the neighbors now that the country, or at least the greater tri state area, knows that her child is an effing idiot. so she must place blame on someone else. it shouldn't matter that you weren't paying attention. it shouldn't matter that you were texting. someone should have held your hand and helped you.


so, i guess someone will now suggest that protective padding be placed in or around any inanimate objects, you know something like this:






quick, someone call the mayors office, they need to idiot proof the city,

year of the dork

dear kellan,


i feel really bad, i think when it comes to the twilight crew, especially the twilight fellas, demos and i tend to forget about you. you somehow get lost in the shuffle. that is until a picture like this surfaces:



then i find myself with my mouth open, starring hard and asking the blasphemous question "rob who?" so yes, you are hot. anyone whose eyes aren't broken can see that.

but as i have gotten to know you (that's right, we're secret friends.) over the last few months, i have come to realize, that you are an onion my friend. yes an onion. you are more than a hot face and chiseled body. you actually have layers, very dorky layers.



exhibit A





you have been photographed wearing what i can only assume is a standard issue dork watch. casio class. i mean you even wore it to your birthday party. in vegas. you knew half neked girls would be there right? i don't know, maybe you're involved with some sort of dare with edi. after all he seems to be there every time you are wearing it. either way, it is certainly dwight schrute worthy.




exhibit B





k, i know it's a little hard to see, but that is a pic of you. leaving a hollywood hotspot in a minivan. no, not just leaving in a minivan, you are driving the minivan. um, whose van did you borrow, so you could load up all your friends and go to a club in hopes of meeting a girl? is it your moms? do you have a sister with 4 kids?




i actually like this side of you. i like that you are easy going (even when the paps were teasing you because you drove off in a van. believe me, as your secret friend, i am gonna hunt them down!) i love that you are comfortable with yourself. you are not only hot, but very adorable as well. i really feel that this is the year of the dork. it's our time. it's our time down here.




you are so adorkable,

mrs joe smith?

dear valentine,

i was attending a wedding over the weekend and everything was just lovely. the food, the music, the decor, all of it. as i made my way to my assigned table with dear hubby in tow, i was all set to enjoy my night. thats when i saw it. the name card at our seats said "mr and mrs joe smith". wth.

few things make me as angry as the so called "etiquette" of addressing a lady by her husband's name. why has our society not moved past this antiquated, sexist tradition? is it not enough that i gave up my last name upon marriage, but i'm expected to relinquish my first name too? why is the wife's first name simply absorbed into her husbands?

i flatly refuse to open any letter addressed to "mrs joe smith". she doesn't exist, there is no such person. if they intend for me to read something it better be written to "mrs jane smith" or it gets tossed in the trash (or recycling :)

fighting for women's first names,

p.s. oh, this wouldn't be a demosthenes letter without something perversely hilarious, this is for your enjoyment!

pervert in training

dearjust jared,


i totally love your gossip site, i really and truly do. for some reason, you don't seem as smutty as the others (though, i'm sure you probably are. you all are.) i really don't care about celebrity news quite so much as i do about celebrity pictures. and you are fetch when it comes to the pap snaps.

but why do you insist on only putting your twilight news, pics, updates on your lame teeny site, just jared jr??? i mean if the whole twilight and rpattz phenom has taught us anything, the most rabid fans are not 10 year old girls. oh no, they are 20 and 30 something gals. gals like demos and myself who would (legally i might add) meet him behind a dumpster.

so why lump the awesomeness that is twilight with the lameness that is young (and i mean young) hollywood? for example



Jennette McCurdy has some very exciting news! “capitol records nashville has signed me to a record deal!!!!"

k, so who the fetch are you and why am i supposed to care if you have signed a record deal to produce lame a** music with the likes of miley cyrus and the jobros???
wait, that's right....i don't!

Mitchel Musso rocks out on stage as he performs at The Taste of Chicago 2009

oh geez, another nuthugger wearing, jobros wanna be.....if only i was still in a training bra, then i'd think he was cool.
no. not even then is this dude cool.

Nicholas Braun picks out a pink shirt and strikes a pose

OMG! OMG! OMG! he. is. trying. on. a. fedora!! i can now die happy knowing nicholas (whoever the fetch he is) is a fedora man. *sigh*

i shouldn't have to see or know this!!!

srsly, just jared jr, you are turning me into esther molester, ChiMo at large. with all your making me sift through these youngins to get my twilight and rob fix....

shame on you just jared jr, shame. on. you.