frailty, thy name is stephenie meyer

* this post has an effing, fetching, hilarious letter warning*

dear stephanie meyer,


i gave you fair warning last week, your time has come. wth were you thinking when you wrote out the clothing descriptions for your characters?!?! are your eyes broken? do you have sexually transmitted fugly clothes disease?

maybe i’m being too harsh, and you just don’t own any magazines that were printed after 1993. or you had to browse your high school year book for fashion inspiration. i will let LFV readers be the judge.


here is my best visual representation of your terrible fashion descriptions in twilight.

exhibit a:

edward and bella are dining out at port angeles and we get the very first description of edwards clothes. the most perfectly handsome man in the world, and you dress him in an “ivory turtleneck sweater with a light beige leather jacket”. wtf? anyone who still owns a turtleneck needs to relinquish any and all cool points awarded in my last post. (i can’t help it, i don’t make the rules)

exhibit b:

the meadow scene is one of the sweetest and most tender scenes in the whole series. and he’s dressed like chuck norris in a bad 70’s cop flick. (note to readers, in the book his shirt is actually unbuttoned down his stomach, showing off his chest too.... who does that? chester sex offender much?)

exhibit c:

and in new moon you manage to introduce a vampire tranny to young impressionable minds. i’m talking about heidi of course. she’s wearing “dark tights, the shortest of mini skirts, and a long sleeved, high necked but close fitting red vinyl shirt.” what the what? red vinyl shirt?

as in all her friends get stuck to her when they give her hugs? i couldn't even find a single picture of a red vinyl shirt when googling for this post. i found this shirt when i googled “michael jackson red leather shirt”. no sh*t, true story.

exhibit d:

in breaking dawn, alice builds bella an enormous walk in closet that is larger than her master bedroom, and what is it filled with? this:

oh stephanie, sigh. what would we do without your books? we would definitely have a lot less laughter in our lives, and we'd prolly be much more productive at work.

p.s. as always, we should mention that we absolutely LOVE you and your incredible books, just not your choice of their clothes ~valentine~