Thursday, September 17, 2009

the lesser cullen

dear peter facinelli,

i didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this..... i think it would be better coming from some one else. but after seeing the new contest to win your autographed "carlisle cullen" portrait, i knew this conversation couldn't be put off for long.

don't you realize that your twilight character is the lesser cullen? no one really cares about carlisle, we only talk about him when there is NOTHING to say about any of the others. it might have something to do with your mr rogers sweaters, or your crazy a** nose. studies so far have been inconclusive.

carlisle "mr rogers" cullen

but you persist in trying to win over fans. giving away your directors chair from twilight, tweeting constantly about what "carlisle" is up to, giving autographs to fan girls who were really hoping to see rpattz instead. and now this.

please listen to what i'm saying, and stop trying to get the fans to care about you. you are at the very bottom of the vamp A list. h*ll, nosferatu is higher up than you, and he's not even in color.

nosferatu thinks carlisle is a pussy

in fact, i just got an update from my agent. it turns out you've just been downgraded to vampire B list, along with that one vamp from buffy, and these wanna be twilight TV vamps, whose names no one even knows.

you're even at the bottom of my CILF (cullen i'd like to f*ck) list. it goes in this order:

1. edward (was there any doubt?)

2. jasper

3. alice

4. emmet (i'm not really that into the football player types)

5. esme

6. rosealie (she'd be higher up if she weren't such a dick)

7. carlisle

*8. bella

sound off everyone, what does your CILF list look like? (don't try to pretend like you don't have one)

**** update****

peter facinelli just contacted me personally to let me know that i originally forgot to factor bella into my CILF list. bella does indeed become a cullen vamp in book four, and there's no one on the planet i hate more or would want to f*ck less than her. so congratulations carlisle, you're more sexually attractive than the worst literary heroine ever written.


valentine said...

oh! me first!! k, my CLIF list would be:

-edward (double duh)

-emmett (he's got a teddy bear thing)

-alice ( i totally love her! she's my girl crush)

-carlisle (sorry, i like me some vamp daddy)



-rosalie (she's a total dick)

-bella (only cuz now i can envision yucky kstew and i know i'd be smelling like weed afterwards)

awesome post! totally love it!

Sarah said...

I am going to be honest and say that I have read all four books and some of five online but have only seen twilight on youtube. I thought it sucked and didn't pay much attention to characters other than the main gang: Edward, Jacob, and Bella. Who is the Cullen with longer curly hair? He's the hottest in my book....Okay I looked them list:

Jasper, Emmett, Edward, Alice, Rosalie, Bella, Carlisle, and Esme.

I don't like Esme because I hated the character she played in Grey's Anatomy last year....

Kristin said...

Still with the Twilight? Ah ha ha ha. Don't kill me.

Scrappy Girl said...

I guess my list would go...

Carlisle (I have a thing for blond doctors)
and I am not into girls so...

foxy said...

I have to disagree, daddy Cullen would be pretty high on my list... right after Edward, of course.

MiMi said...

He just looks freaky with blonde hair dontcha think??

thatgirlblogs said...

plus, he is CREEPY, Draco Malfoy-ish.

Cottage Cheese Thighs said...

I would take tv vampire boy Paul Wesley any day over any of the movie vamps.

Jen said...

Oh, I am lovin' this little activity!

My CILF list (in very particular order):
1. Edward (obvi)
2. Jasper
3. Emmett
4. Alice
5. Carlisle (the book character is sexified)
6. Esme
7. Rosalie
8. Bella (way to whiney for my taste!)

SupahMommy said...

oh yes.. i'm in.

CILF list.
1. edward- but only during the bedroom scene where he flies back from her hotness- i don't care for any of his pent up ed-ness other than in the bedroom.. WINK WINK...

2. jasper- he creeps me. and i'm freaky like that besides he'd use his shit to calm my creeps

( can you believe i'm really sitting here.. taking a moment to ponder the list... as if the Earth's future depends on it.)

3. Alice: if she shuts up.
4. Rosalie. im pretty sure she's a butter face.. but hey. you can't win em all.. i'll go girl for her.

5. esme: .. -
hell .. we might as well all just get it on together.. all 4 of us.. they're not related right??

6. carlisle- yes.. the hair odds me out. but i'd go for that goodness anyday.

7. bella- ughhh ii m sooo forced by the powers that be.. to put her before emmett... but LORD HELP ME... her terrets would throw me off... maybe THAT'S why edward flew off of her in that scene... it wasn't hotness.. it was terrets uncomfortableness.

last: emmett. Only if my life depended on it because he reminds me of my sisters old boyfriend and i think he may or may not have had chub boobs that i couldnt' take my eyes off of .

i'm praying emmett isn't afflicted with such a condition.. but i can't even bring myself to test the waters. .

ok.. that was a blog:)

you guys are the best.

Lizzie said...

"nosferatu thinks carlisle is a pussy"

oh my god i was laughing SO HARD!!!!

Anonymous said...

I think your list is close to perfect. Part of me wants to switch Emmett and Jasper. Sometimes I'm into muscles. Sometimes I'm not.

Are you guys on Twitter?!

I'm going to add your blog button to my sidebar. I just now noticed you had one. Duh!