dear peter facinelli,
i didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this..... i think it would be better coming from some one else. but after seeing the new contest to win your autographed "carlisle cullen" portrait, i knew this conversation couldn't be put off for long.
carlisle "mr rogers" cullen
but you persist in trying to win over fans. giving away your directors chair from twilight, tweeting constantly about what "carlisle" is up to, giving autographs to fan girls who were really hoping to see rpattz instead. and now this.
please listen to what i'm saying, and stop trying to get the fans to care about you. you are at the very bottom of the vamp A list. h*ll, nosferatu is higher up than you, and he's not even in color.
nosferatu thinks carlisle is a pussy
in fact, i just got an update from my agent. it turns out you've just been downgraded to vampire B list, along with that one vamp from buffy, and these wanna be twilight TV vamps, whose names no one even knows.
you're even at the bottom of my CILF (cullen i'd like to f*ck) list. it goes in this order:
1. edward (was there any doubt?)
4. emmet (i'm not really that into the football player types)
6. rosealie (she'd be higher up if she weren't such a dick)
sound off everyone, what does your CILF list look like? (don't try to pretend like you don't have one)
peter facinelli just contacted me personally to let me know that i originally forgot to factor bella into my CILF list. bella does indeed become a cullen vamp in book four, and there's no one on the planet i hate more or would want to f*ck less than her. so congratulations carlisle, you're more sexually attractive than the worst literary heroine ever written.