how it all vegan

dear valentine,

i hate meeting new people. not only is it a pain to have to pretend to be interested in learning all about their loud, obnoxious kids (why can't parents understand that they're the only ones who like their kids?). but it inevitably leads to dinner plans, which leads to an awkward conversation about my animal friendly, vegan diet. the conversation usually goes something like this:


annoying person: how about you come over for dinner on saturday?

me (in my higher pitched, i'm pretending that i like you voice): oh that would be great! but just to let you know, we're vegan. so if you'd rather go out to eat or something thats fine.

annoying person now looks like they'd rather eat the monkey brains in indiana jones then prepare/eat a vegan meal, but with a fake smile, and even higher pitched voice says: oh…….. sooooooo.……. what DO you eat?

as if not eating animal products suddenly eliminates all known human food sources. just once i'd like to answer "mostly babies, but also the occasional space rat or tribble that wanders too close". but i don't think it would go over too well. (if you know what tribbles are without clicking the link, congratulations you are even less cool than this guy)

eventually they get the balls to ask the inevitable follow up question: does it taste any good?

no, actually its gross. see, thats the cool thing about being vegan, suddenly your taste buds transform and you love disgusting food, and start to hate anything delicious.

why do so many people equate vegan with "tastes like sh*t"? sure, some vegan foods are gross. but so are lots and lots of meaty/cheesy/egg-y foods! i think the most disgusting thing i ever ate was a meaty, greasy sausage-y thing that i can't even pronounce. but i still have the mental capacity to recognize that not every meaty meal is like that.

(^^^ ya, vegan food is really gross. you def don't want to eat any of this sh*t ^^^)

one old lady i met suddenly realized for the first time in her life, that she didn't have to put ham in her green beans. it was like watching a toddler say their first word. i almost cried.

and then there are the people who are constantly trying to catch you making a mistake. why they care so much, i have no idea. but scientists suggest it has something to do with having a small penis. or something. i srsly had an acquaintance say to hubby: oh ya? well your shirt is made of cotton!!!!

(i'll let that sink in a moment……)


you're face probably looks a lot like ours did when we heard that.

livin' it up vegan style,