Monday, September 28, 2009

do you know how much 20 lbs really is?

valentine is taking a few personal days (rumor has it that she's on a secret get away with the jo bros, robbing them of their childlike innocence, as well as literally just robbing them) and left me in charge of the blog. a decision she will likely regret once the jo bros induced haze wears off.

reminder!! the giveaway ends this wednesday, so everyone who hasn't entered yet and doesn't hate kitteh's better hurry up and pick a dumbledore vs gandalf winner soon! there are a few glaring absences from the comments section (you know who you are)

and onto our regularly scheduled programming:

dear 19 lb-baby mama,

WTF?!?! the thought of a normal, completely uncomplicated, 7 lb baby, pregnancy makes my va-jay-jay hurt. i cringe in fear and pain whenever i have to endure child birth visuals or descriptions. and then i woke up friday and read your story. i was incapacitated with imaginary bajingo pain for hours.


surrender to me humans, or suffer the consequences!


do you have any idea what else weighs 20 lbs? ya, a f*cking kareoke machine!!! that was what was inside your belly.
if only you could get a baby to play music instead of cry......



car tires also weigh 20 lbs.... are your insides exploding yet?


but you know what else makes me hurt about your story? the fact that you are 41 years old! you will be almost 60 years old before this baby is a legal adult. but lets get real, an 18 year old is still practically a kid, and will likely be relying heavily on you at least until your 65. i think my uterus just fell out.

but i guess i should also say congratulations and enjoy your new bundle of 20 lb joy, and all that sh*t too.

winnie "the motherf*cker" pooh will eat your soul for dinner


23 comments:

Amy said...

Oh my, I don't even want to think about that! I am due in November and the doctor told me it is going to be a big baby... and now I am going to have nightmares that my baby will be 20 some odd pounds. I hate to think what that woman went through.

hotpants™ said...

What the &*$# did she eat during her pregnancy? That's what I want to know.

Kimi said...

I too was having sympathy pains for this woman. I mean, for reals, that shit had to feel like giving birth to a Kenworth.

beth said...

eff that, man. three of my babies TOGETHER still didn't add up to 20 pounds! and 41?! no way, no how. i'm too tired now, and my babies were born between 24 and 31 years of age (mine, not theirs). i am planning to do nothing but catch up on missed sleep when i'm in my 60s.

MiMi said...

Oh my goodness. I saw this and it made my girlie parts fall out too. I know, I might get some flack for this, but 20 lbs?! That baby ain't even cute when it's that big! My son wasn't 20 lbs until he was 6 months old! He was teeny when he was born!

Kathie @ my net finds said...

I bet that mother reminds her child of this fact for the rest of his life....hahaha.

Waxy said...

I no longer harbor any guilt about being a 9lb baby...Thank you 19lb baby for freeing me from the chains of guilt...

Stephanie Faris said...

I liked the line on SNL's weekend news update. "The mother was beside herself. Literally. She split in two."

robynxx said...

TWENTY?! I don't think your va-jay-jay would ever be the same again after that.

Le gasp.

Jenni Jiggety said...

That's no baby! That's a kindergartener!

Kristin said...

HOW did she walk around with that kid in her? My almost 9 lb. ginormous baby about did me in. Ah ha

Hit 40 said...

Both my boys were 10 pounds each!! YES I HAVE SOME IDEA of how big 20 pounds is!! Just crazy. And.. I did push them out. OUCH! I have the hemorrhoids to prove it.

love lives in the kitchen said...

your blof is sooo funny! i really like it!
hugs from sits!
justyna

Melissa B. said...

Greetings and Salutations! SITS sent me by, and I'm glad they did...Pontificating, today, on the state of the world.

Yes, We Can? No, He Shouldn't

JennyMac said...

I saw this news article..is that a baby or a 5 year old? Glad they both survived it...

19 pounds? Uterus is shuddering right now.

Caramel Diva said...

Dropping in from SITS have a wonderful day!



haha I saw that big ol baby on tv hehe

Ronnica said...

Wow. 20 pounds. I don't know what else to say!

Children of the 90s said...

That is totally terrifying! Ick. I can't even imagine a regular-sized baby exiting that way. I do like your size comparisons, though!

Gretchen said...

Holy smokes! 20 pounds?? Ouch!! Visiting from SITS, great blog!

Chef Eureka said...

I saw that article... I think I would have died...

Lani said...

SERIOUSLY!!! I had triplets, and had about 14.5 pounds of baby in me- and that was INSANE! I couldn't imagine another ounce!



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SupahMommy said...

snorting

lmao

and still researching for the deul.. wait .. dule... doole? duel..

there. :)

my 5 month old i about 19 lbs.
HOLY EFFIN SHIT.

XOXO SUPAH

i hope valentine is swayin toward that young one.. he's a little looker..

Summer said...

Okay, that baby makes my little "woman" ache. Not fun.