Wednesday, September 30, 2009

chuck norris

today is the last day to enter the giveaway! don't forget!

dear readers,

i think we could all use a mid week pick-me-up, enjoy ;)

  • Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.
  • The chief export of Chuck Norris is Pain.
  • Chuck Norris destroyed the periodic table, because Chuck Norris only recognizes the Element of Surprise.
  • Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.
  • If it looks like chicken, tastes like chicken, and feels like chicken but Chuck Norris says its beef, then it's f*cking beef.
  • The best-laid plans of mice and men often go awry. Even the worst-laid plans of Chuck Norris come off without a hitch.
  • Guns don't kill people. Chuck Norris kills People.
  • When Chuck Norris goes to out to eat, he orders a whole chicken, but he only eats its soul.
  • Chuck Norris puts the laughter in manslaughter.
  • Chuck Norris uses a night light. Not because Chuck Norris is afraid of the dark, but because the dark is afraid of Chuck Norris
  • Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it.
got some more good ones? shout them out in the comments

Monday, September 28, 2009

do you know how much 20 lbs really is?

valentine is taking a few personal days (rumor has it that she's on a secret get away with the jo bros, robbing them of their childlike innocence, as well as literally just robbing them) and left me in charge of the blog. a decision she will likely regret once the jo bros induced haze wears off.

reminder!! the giveaway ends this wednesday, so everyone who hasn't entered yet and doesn't hate kitteh's better hurry up and pick a dumbledore vs gandalf winner soon! there are a few glaring absences from the comments section (you know who you are)

and onto our regularly scheduled programming:

dear 19 lb-baby mama,

WTF?!?! the thought of a normal, completely uncomplicated, 7 lb baby, pregnancy makes my va-jay-jay hurt. i cringe in fear and pain whenever i have to endure child birth visuals or descriptions. and then i woke up friday and read your story. i was incapacitated with imaginary bajingo pain for hours.

surrender to me humans, or suffer the consequences!

do you have any idea what else weighs 20 lbs? ya, a f*cking kareoke machine!!! that was what was inside your belly.
if only you could get a baby to play music instead of cry......

car tires also weigh 20 lbs.... are your insides exploding yet?

but you know what else makes me hurt about your story? the fact that you are 41 years old! you will be almost 60 years old before this baby is a legal adult. but lets get real, an 18 year old is still practically a kid, and will likely be relying heavily on you at least until your 65. i think my uterus just fell out.

but i guess i should also say congratulations and enjoy your new bundle of 20 lb joy, and all that sh*t too.

winnie "the motherf*cker" pooh will eat your soul for dinner

Friday, September 25, 2009

coming up with titles is hard

dear virgin trying to become a whore,

what were you thinking, writing this letter to e jean?

"Dear E. Jean: I’m a 21-year-old virgin fishing for a sugar daddy whcomino’ll launch me into a life of caviar and beautiful clothes. I recently heard about the American grad student auctioning off her virginity; right now, she’s considering bids of up to $3.7 million. I want to attempt the same. It would take care of my college loans, and I could live on the interest and be free to develop my career and talents.

The breaking of the hymen is reportedly painful and disappointing anyway. Why should I waste my purity on a “meaningful” college boyfriend or even a saggy sugar daddy when I can receive a pot of gold all in one go? How would I go about notifying these wealthy barons without attracting attention? —The Hungry Virgin"

ya, why waste your first time having sex on someone meaningful or special? what a waste that would be! i can't think of a better use for your virginity than whoring yourself out to the highest paying skeez bag, who likely has herpes.

you do realize that this makes you a prostitute right? you can try to justify it all you want, but you are degrading yourself and bringing down women's rights efforts world wide.

whats with guys wanting to bang virgins so badly anyway? virgins suck in bed. they have no clue what to do. their only skill set involves trying to not be nervous.

so good luck ruining your life and forever regretting this most terrible of decisions.

ps, don't forget to enter the giveaway! we're dying to hear your thoughts on
dumbledore vs gandalf

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

giveaway!!! demosthenes style

dear LFV readers,

valentine said i got to do the next give away (what was she thinking?) so here it is. thats right, we made it to 100 posts, b*tch! i've got some fab demos style items that some lucky lady (or dude?) gets to take home for their very own.

the devil/ninja duck: (what? like he has to be just one or the other?)

don't you want to help a duck like me?

the boss toss: (you will be the envy of all your co-workers)

hate your boss? now you can vent your impotent rage at these mini plastic figures

does this one really need a title?

bacon is life. and a band aid too.

the most amazing buttons ever:

you know you are.

i know you're dying to give that ninja duck a home, so heres how you play:

dumbledore and gandalf are fighting to the death in an ultimate wizards duel (insider sources tell us that the fight started over who gets to take grindlewald on a date to the new moon premier in nov. the victorious wizard will be in prime obsessive-stalker seats, right next to rpattz). post in the comments who would win and why you think so. (no one-word responses please!) the most demosthenes-alicious answer will be the winner.

i'll start:

gandalf would kick dumbledore's flat, pancake a** all over the quidditch pitch! gandalf fought with a balrog, man, a BALROG!! you think an unholy demon of the underworld is an easy b*tch to slap? and then he f*cking came back from the dead!! i'd like to see dumbledore pull that out of his sorting hat. besides, gandalf wields glamdring, and they don't give out ancient, elven-made blades to just any body who wants one.

the fellowship would have been demolished in the mines of moria if dumbledore had been in charge

valentine next:

dumbledore really wants those seats next to rpattz, and he'd obliterate gandalf to get them. first, he'd distract him with gandalfs well known weakness: bertie bott's every flavor beans. then, while gandalf is foolishly eating an ear wax flavored one, dumbledore would get out his wand and start throwing a confundus charm, and then an erecto charm *ahem, who can fight when "that" is at attention* and then finish him off with the cruciatus curse. gandalf would be as defenseless as a hobbit before such devious tactics.

don't leave me hangin guys! or not only will valentine never let me do another give away, but a kitten dies every time someone visits but doesn't leave an answer :(

save the kittens, enter the giveaway

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

WARNING: this cannot be unseen

dear maker of the reusable pokemon pad,

WTH?? what is wrong with you? why would you inflict this on the world? as if the thought of a reusable pad wasn't bad enough…. you have to put lovable, furry, animated, creatures on it. ya, i really want to have my bajingo rubbing up against that.
now maybe if they came in hello kitty prints.......

i see that the pokemon one is sold out, but mysteriously ALL your other styles are still in stock. want to know why? its not because women have suddenly taken a fancy to your insane product. its because the pokemon one made its way onto every tech/gamer blog in the world, and all the nerdy dudes are buying them up to hang on their walls. think i'm making that up? you clearly don't read nerdy gamer blogs.

my fav gamer blog comment said this: "my younger brother just saw this and said "YES! YES! oh man, i wish i could menstruate!". trust me young man..… you don't. just buy one for your wall and be satisfied like all the other nerds.
naturally hip? really?

i know all our readers will think i'm making this sh*t up, so just to prove that this kind of insanity can't be invented, here is the link to buy them: >here
now we all know what to get for our friends for christmas this year. if our friends were unshaven, hippy women who rub crystals on their hairy arm pits instead of buying deodorant.

take 2

so, i started this blog about 5 months ago, and this was the very first letter i posted (and got 1 comment, thanks beth for being there from the beginning). since there weren't many of you back then, i thought i'd post it again. enjoy.

dear european countries,

what the what?!?! i totes understand that sometimes things get lost in translation. i realize that i take for granted that 95% of the movies i watch are made in my native tongue,in my home country (the other 5% are all the hubs idea, he wants to expand culturally, or some nonsense like that!) but seriously, what the fetch??? these can't be posters for the movies i think they are, can they?

star wars

so apparently in russia, star wars equals space cowboy. i must have missed the part when luke hops his trusty horse, pulls out his lightsaber gun, storms the deathstar and lasso's him some bad storm troopers. how pissed would you be if you went to see star wars based on this poster? i know i would, because i for one do not believe there are enough space cowboy movies


*shaking my head* czech republic, czech republic. well, you added the word zoltar in the back, so i guess i will give you 2 points for that and maybe a point for the sweet heart shaped sunglasses, but it ends there. at what point in this movie does tom hanks head implode into a ball of fire? maybe i was out getting popcorn or something. maybe his head should have imploded, it would have made the movie more interesting....

king kong

now i never saw any of the older versions of king kong, just the peter jackson one, but i am thinking i now want my $10 back because, apparently in the other versions king kong fights a ginormous cobra with one hand and choke holds a shark with the other, all the while avoids being skewered by a frickin ocean liner. maybe peter jackson dropped the ball on his.... but in all likeliness it was probably just france trying to spice things up.


Monday, September 21, 2009

switching to team salvatore

dear vampire diaries,

i did it. i finally succumbed to the siren's song. it called to me and promised that if i followed it, i would find hot vampires and moody teens. the sirens don't lie.

i was hesitant to try this new vampire show. it seemed like a cheap knock off of twilight (turns out the books were written like 15 years ago. who knew?) and i mean come on, it airs on the CW. they are not exactly known for their high quality programming.

also, i didn't want a one mr. edward cullen to get jealous and think i was moving onto a newer (and certainly equally hot) vampire. why hello mr. salvatore. you're looking awfully hot with all your brooding and what not.

i was intrigued from the start, but i was had when she opened the door. he was there. i think i swooned.

i have kinda gotten used to stephenie meyers version of vampires, that i was kinda surprised when stefan gets thirsty, he's eyes go all red and veiny. it must be the fluorescents.

i am lovin' elena, and apparently it is possible for someone to portray a human girl, caught in a world of vampires, without incessantly blinking or constant stammering. (yeah, kstew, i'm looking at you) it got so frustrating watching bella, it's like "spit it out woman!"

and elena's annoying friend, caroline, is so much less obnoxious than bella's annoying friend, jessica.

it's boone! hot dang! he didn't die on the island!

um, yeah, you're my new favorite show!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

the lesser cullen

dear peter facinelli,

i didn't want to have to be the one to tell you this..... i think it would be better coming from some one else. but after seeing the new contest to win your autographed "carlisle cullen" portrait, i knew this conversation couldn't be put off for long.

don't you realize that your twilight character is the lesser cullen? no one really cares about carlisle, we only talk about him when there is NOTHING to say about any of the others. it might have something to do with your mr rogers sweaters, or your crazy a** nose. studies so far have been inconclusive.

carlisle "mr rogers" cullen

but you persist in trying to win over fans. giving away your directors chair from twilight, tweeting constantly about what "carlisle" is up to, giving autographs to fan girls who were really hoping to see rpattz instead. and now this.

please listen to what i'm saying, and stop trying to get the fans to care about you. you are at the very bottom of the vamp A list. h*ll, nosferatu is higher up than you, and he's not even in color.

nosferatu thinks carlisle is a pussy

in fact, i just got an update from my agent. it turns out you've just been downgraded to vampire B list, along with that one vamp from buffy, and these wanna be twilight TV vamps, whose names no one even knows.

you're even at the bottom of my CILF (cullen i'd like to f*ck) list. it goes in this order:

1. edward (was there any doubt?)

2. jasper

3. alice

4. emmet (i'm not really that into the football player types)

5. esme

6. rosealie (she'd be higher up if she weren't such a dick)

7. carlisle

*8. bella

sound off everyone, what does your CILF list look like? (don't try to pretend like you don't have one)

**** update****

peter facinelli just contacted me personally to let me know that i originally forgot to factor bella into my CILF list. bella does indeed become a cullen vamp in book four, and there's no one on the planet i hate more or would want to f*ck less than her. so congratulations carlisle, you're more sexually attractive than the worst literary heroine ever written.

how it all vegan

dear valentine,

i hate meeting new people. not only is it a pain to have to pretend to be interested in learning all about their loud, obnoxious kids (why can't parents understand that they're the only ones who like their kids?). but it inevitably leads to dinner plans, which leads to an awkward conversation about my animal friendly, vegan diet. the conversation usually goes something like this:

annoying person: how about you come over for dinner on saturday?

me (in my higher pitched, i'm pretending that i like you voice): oh that would be great! but just to let you know, we're vegan. so if you'd rather go out to eat or something thats fine.

annoying person now looks like they'd rather eat the monkey brains in indiana jones then prepare/eat a vegan meal, but with a fake smile, and even higher pitched voice says: oh…….. sooooooo.……. what DO you eat?

as if not eating animal products suddenly eliminates all known human food sources. just once i'd like to answer "mostly babies, but also the occasional space rat or tribble that wanders too close". but i don't think it would go over too well. (if you know what tribbles are without clicking the link, congratulations you are even less cool than this guy)

eventually they get the balls to ask the inevitable follow up question: does it taste any good?

no, actually its gross. see, thats the cool thing about being vegan, suddenly your taste buds transform and you love disgusting food, and start to hate anything delicious.

why do so many people equate vegan with "tastes like sh*t"? sure, some vegan foods are gross. but so are lots and lots of meaty/cheesy/egg-y foods! i think the most disgusting thing i ever ate was a meaty, greasy sausage-y thing that i can't even pronounce. but i still have the mental capacity to recognize that not every meaty meal is like that.

(^^^ ya, vegan food is really gross. you def don't want to eat any of this sh*t ^^^)

one old lady i met suddenly realized for the first time in her life, that she didn't have to put ham in her green beans. it was like watching a toddler say their first word. i almost cried.

and then there are the people who are constantly trying to catch you making a mistake. why they care so much, i have no idea. but scientists suggest it has something to do with having a small penis. or something. i srsly had an acquaintance say to hubby: oh ya? well your shirt is made of cotton!!!!

(i'll let that sink in a moment……)

you're face probably looks a lot like ours did when we heard that.

livin' it up vegan style,

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

cold showers and baseball

dear adolescent teens,

guess what this look means:

A) she's an alien sucking the life force from

his helpless brain

B) this is his first kiss and he has NO idea what

to do

C) trying really, really hard to not get a boner.

happy to be an adult,

Monday, September 14, 2009

a bad case of fabulous-ness

Here is my complete letter. for some reason, only part of it posted earlier. stupid blogger!

dear fabulous ladies,

i was reading an article in the daily mail (srsly, i love that newspaper, our celeb gossip is nothing compared to their royalty gossip. harry and chelsy- woot! woot!) and it was discussing how basically more and more women

"...think the universe resolves around us, with a deluded sense of our own fabulousness, and believe we are cleverer, more talented and more attractive than we actually are." (HoLLa!!)

oh wait, i think that is a bad thing......anyways, it got me thinking. i know a small number of teachers, and they are always complaining that each year more and more children are becoming more spoiled, or selfish or having a sense of entitlement. i guess i always attributed it to the usual suspects: busy parents, trying to buy kids' love with presents, the whole "self esteem" movement and of course, the jonas brothers.

but maybe it is not just the kids who are suffering from entitlement. in what they are calling the "sex and the city" generation ( i love researchers and scientists. it's like they are 10 years behind on cool.) a larger group of women are displaying a false sense of "fetch-ness" (let me save you time, it is not something you can attain, it's just something you are)

"..In the workplace, in friendships, even in motherhood, the pervading culture seems to have become one of competitiveness, superiority and one-upmanship."

a recent magazine asked four women in their 20s and 30s, why they think they are still single:

A 39 year old beauty director claimed to be too independent for a relationship.

A 38 year old music agent attributed her single status to the fact she was an alpha female-independent, feisty, strong minded, high achieving and intimidating

The third woman, a 30 year old arts writer and curator, has been having too much fun to settle down

Another 29 year old, she was too picky

"he needs to be successful, solvent, and driven. He must also be long on genuinely good jokes with a decent sideline in bad ones that only she finds funny.

he needs to 'speak good restaurant', to have no special dietary requirements and to always be discerning without ever being fussy.

He needs to be clever without ever making her feel stupid. He needs to 'get' but not 'know' fashion"

are you kidding me? if you are "too independent" for a relationship, then why are you looking for one? and that last one? you're looking for a dude, right? k, just making sure. so who is to blame for this excessive fabulous-ness? the internet, (poor world wide webs, it gets blamed for everything) reality tv and easy credit. so, not the people themselves. nice

off being fabulous,

Friday, September 11, 2009

honest movie posters, part II

dear hollywood,

so awhile back we wrote a letter discussing how great it would be if hollywood (that's you) was blatantly honest. and proudly displayed the bad reviews like a badge of honor.
well we asked our lovely readers to submit honest movie posters to us for a future letter. well, that post is here. ( i also created a couple of my own.) and thanks to you that participated, you are totally awesome.

credit: lizzie

credit:supah d

have an awesome weekend,

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

working towards a bakers 2 dozen

dear valentine,

i know, this is old news! but last week i had an important message to share (twilight underwear), so this had to wait a few days! but as you probably heard, michelle and jim bob duggar are preggo with their 19th child (while their youngest is only 8 months old). i read all kinds of comments on it, from the truly nasty to the truly naive. i don't want to be nasty, but i do have a problem with some of the things they've said.

i am all about women who know what they want in life and then work hard to attain it. thats the definition of feminism, whether her goal is to be CEO of a major corporation or a mom of 20. and i'm certainly not in favor of policing a woman's uterus, no matter how crazy her personal choice may seem to me. (a replacement pair, people. thats all thats necessary is a replacement pair).

i could respect michelle duggar for her choice if it was in fact that; a CHOICE. but it wasn't. they used the lamest cop out known to man and "let God decide". come on people! god gave us high functioning brains and free agency for a reason! so that we could make our own decisions!! why bother getting out of bed? or choosing what job to take? or any other number of important life decisions… you may as well just let god decide. but thats not how it works. he gave us the ability to reason, to think, to problem-solve, and to make responsible decisions. i think he wants us to us that ability, don't you?

they quit using the birth control pill because it had inadvertently caused a miscarriage (they accidently conceived while on the pill). soooo..… whats wrong with condoms? pills are not the only birth control option, and i can guarantee a condom has never caused a miscarriage.

many internet commenters have this to say "if they can take care of their kids, why do you care how many they have?". good point. but i would argue that the duggars themselves have provided the empirical evidence showing that the mom and dad CAN'T in fact take care of 18+ children. here is how they do it:

each older child is assigned a younger child (or two) to be their buddy. the older child is responsible for helping them get dressed, brush teeth, get fed, clean, etc. so basically they've stolen the childhood innocence away from their older children and burdened them with the adult responsibilities of raising their younger siblings, because its too much for just two adults to handle. there's some great parenting. sacrifice your older children's childhood because you couldn't bring yourself to decide to use a durex (no they're not paying me for the free promo, they just have funny ads. i actually prefer the lifestyles brand condoms myself).

i know this will probably be controversial, but i wouldn't be me if i didn't cause controversy everywhere i go! hopefuly this pic will lighten the mood!