evils of the nation

dear gainesville, fl columnist,


i have not had a true "what the fetch" moment for awhile, it was actually getting kinda sad, because i love me some WTF. but, thanks goodness i read your incredibly insightful article into why "sexy vampires are destroying our nation's children"



"Despite the recent influx of vampire-related content into the mainstream media and the youthful enthusiasm that accompanied it, vampirism still remains a dangerous threat to our nation’s children. Unchecked interest in vampires can lead to unfortunate summer wardrobe choices, rickets and diabetes. We can’t afford to lose our kids to these flashy, sexy, fly-by-night vampire impersonators who continue to fill their heads with untruths about the vampire lifestyle."



okay....i am sure we are all thinking "what the fetch" at this point, but i am still gonna break it down. are you for reals? i am not entirely sure where to begin....

are you honestly worried about the youth of this nation getting rickets because they choose to wear black in the summer? are you concerned that all the sugary blood they will undoubtedly be devouring because of a book series, will cause kids to develop diabetes?

i love the part about "sexy vampires" are destroying everything. soooooo we should only be upset about the sexy ones? all the plain or fugly vampires can keep doing their blood sucking thang and that's fine? sounds like you're a little threatened by edward cullen and bill compton, if you know what i'm sayin'.

and you are concerned about losing our kids to flashy, sexy vampires impersonators....so are you really worried about kids becoming vampires or are you more concerned that they are fascinated with, according to you "untruths of vampire lifestyle." so you are fine with vampirism, just not sparkling vampirism? i'm confused.


let's read what else you had to say:



"While this kind of fervor has been seen with J.K. Rowling’s Harry Potter books, an interest in witchcraft and wizardry is ultimately harmless......The worst that happens is kids memorize cryptic incantations and start trying to summon dark spirits from the depths of the underworld."



k, once again i'm gonna have to stop you there.......so undead vampires drinking blood- bad. but children who want to summon dark spirits with witchcraft and incantations- good? must admit, i am once again a little confused. i didn't realize that summoning devils was just juvenile fun that wasn't harmful in anyway.....

now that i know, i will take away all their twilight and trueblood books and replace them with satanism and witchcraftism: circles, spells and rituals. you're right, that does sound safer and better.



i'll stick with the flashy, sexy vamps,