Tuesday, June 30, 2009

that's a good thing

dear martha,

so, last week it was announced that oprah (you know, that b*tch that you want to shank) was going to pay for her staff of 100 employees to go on a mediterranean cruise.

well, that got me thinking about you, and what kind of boss you are. well, my mind starting wandering and i imagine that you throw things. a lot. i envision a naomi campbell-esqe flair. except you don't throw phones.

no, i like to think you throw things like flower arrangements, festive garlands, or pumpkin chandeliers. follow me as my mind lets loose on how i think one of your "episodes" goes down. i like to call it valentine theater . so please, turn off your cell phone, no talking and discard of all waste in the proper receptacles on your way out. thank you.

scene: a normal day at the mstew everyday show set

mstew: where is that f**king daft girl with the glitter?

(fdg runs in, out of breath, soaked from the torrential down pour outside)

fdg: sorry. sorry i'm late.

mstew: where have you been? you have kept me waiting.

fdg: it's really raining outside, i almost got hit by a bike messenger....

(frantically cutting off fdg)

mstew: did anything happen to the glitter?!?!

fdg: no.....it's fine. i am too, in case you care (she whispers quietly and hands the glitter to mstew)

mstew: what?? what is this shiz???? i specifically said petal pink. this is pink azalea.

(taking a closer look at the glitter container)

mstew: oh! oh! not only is it the wrong color, but you got extra fine instead of ultra fine!! what am i supposed to do with this? how am i going to make my glittered bird cards now?? are you are a moron? an ignoramus? an imbecile?

(as she proceeds to yell and berate, she throws the inferior glitter)

fdg: my eyes!!! you threw glitter into my eyes!!!

(fdg runs out of the room crying and screaming)

* and....... scene*

see, that's how you roll......at least that's how it all went down in my head. srsly, martha yo, (i've been watching a lot of the wire, can you tell?) you's got to step it up if you wanna be in the same league as that shorty, oprah. maybe you don't have to do a cruise, but mos def cut down on the throwing shiz at people.

now, that's not a good thing,


Sarah said...

I really dislike MS. I bet she is like that. Thank God ABC stopped airing her...but now I get The Doctors who are all almost as annoying as MS.

Alicia said...

i bet she's totally like that!! i love the line about her wanting to shank oprah!! lol!

Mighty M said...

Probably, at times, not too far away from the truth!!

Amy said...

Okay, I know that what you wrote was speculation, but in actuality, it is the truth. I have a friend who went to her show once, and said that she is a complete prima dona. She made herself a little sandwich before the show started, and was yelling at people for the food that wasn't perfectly fresh or perfectly cut. She didn't talk to the guest at all during the commercial breaks, and all in all, was just a queen demanding perfection. Read about it here

Again, you were right on the money.

Anonymous said...

lol, mstew. I love the "pumpkin chandelier" too. hahaha.

Hit 40 said...

I think her short stint behind bars probably loosened her up a bit. She was wound pretty tight. Poor thing.

Mommyof2girlz said...

Thanks for being a great blogging buddy, stop by and pickup The Humane Award :)

DonnaGotlib said...

Does that mean we don't get to go on a cruise?

Kristin said...

I think Oprah could take her, but MS might fight dirty.

Awesome Sara said...

LOLOLOL. i throw things too. i have anger issues. poor martha. she has shifty eyes.

Lizzie said...

HA Ha!! that is exactly what i think too! i think you're right, when the lights go dark on the set, evil things happen. *cue spooky halloween music and a scream in the distance*

LivingInspired said...

Oh man, am I laughing! How dare you mock Martha Stewart! Did you happen to see the made for tv movie done on her when she was in jail? Oh man, it is quite similar to what you've got going on here, except yours is much funnier!

B said...

Totally HILARIOUS! I think you've got it spot on - Martha is evil dressed up as a kindly grandma. Love it, thanks for making me laugh :O)