toddlers in tiaras.... wtf?

dear valentine,


i only managed to sit through about 15 minutes of this show, so i guess there's the slight possibility that i'm not being a fair critic. but i just about threw up. these crazy a** mom's are having their tiny babies prance around like whores on a street corner.


how nice of these mom's to put their 2-3 year old daughters in sexy clothes and display them so that all those chester child molesters can have a good time. it saves them the trouble of trying to hide their child porn from their wives.




as if young girls in america didn't have enough problems with self esteem and body image to begin with. these moms had the bright idea of indoctrinating their daughters from infancy that to be beautiful requires make up, perfectly styled hair, a tan, and provocative clothes. because no woman could possibly be considered beautiful if she *gasp* just looked the way God made her.


well done mom's, well done. now all you have to do is make sure your girls develop an eating disorder by 15, and get hooked on coke to stay thin by 18, and you'll have achieved a well and truly f*cked up daughter. congratulations.






the pageant mom's freely talk about the process for getting their kids ready for a show. lets see, fake eyelashes... check. fake spray tans.... check. big fake hair extensions.... check. fake teeth because your toddlers real baby teeth are falling out.... check. now some 80's looking hooker make up and we're all set!


srsly? what's the point of having a contest if everything on their bodies is fake? what are you judging, which brand of spray tanner coats the most evenly? its like having a contest to see which pie is best, but all the pies are made of plastic.


a 7 year old on the show actually said this: "i want to be a cheerleader, cause i like to show my belly and thats what they do". what a wonderful moral for her to be learning. a little whore in the making. i think i just shed a tear.


i think we all need something to wash down that sh*t soda, so heres a super awesome photo to take our minds off the destruction of a generation (yes, thats the cutest f*cking marmoset you've ever seen)

the dulcet sounds of awesome

dear edward cullen,


i don't know if you remember this or not, but demosthenes and i have created in our minds a different version of you, one that we have lovingly monikered "emo edward" (EE). we call him that because he is an emo kid; depressed, moody, loves the dulcet sounds of death cab for cutie. it's funny, over time he has kinda changed a little, into someone who is also slightly feminine, (i'm sure you can't relate to that at all.) you know, he gets frustrated by bella's lack of fashion, upset with emmett and jasper's childish pranks and he never misses a mani/pedi party.

demos and i find ourselves talking about him. alot. we often have convos about the sort of stuff he'd do. it's not that we love emo edward more than you, regular edward, it's just that you are kinda boring (perfect, but boring) and the emo one is just so much fun. at least, we think he would be.

take per example, the day that we were discussing edward's sleeveless shirt from the meadow scene, from the book:

demos: EE would be so mad! beige looks awful with my highlites! he wouldn't be wearing a sleeveless button down to the meadow, but i do think he'd be digging the whole, showing off his pristinely waxed chest muscles


val: LOL are you saying that EE would dig a hole, just to show off his muscles?

bella: "why are you digging that hole?"
EE: "its a vampire thing. i can't talk about it. you won't be safe if you know. "

demos:

bella: "but theres really no reason for a hole to be right here edward, did you ask esme if it was okay to do this?"

EE: "i'm a man, bella. i don't need to ask permission from my mother. man is it hot out here, i think i need to take my shirt off"

bella:"your undead edward, you're always cold."

EE:"oh i'm hot today bella. its a good thing i'm so ripped or this hole would take me forever to dig"

val: lol!! ohhhh, i totally misread what you wrote. i thought you said he'd dig the hole, to show off his muscles. not that he'd dig the whole showing off his muscle thing! but thanks for playing along with my confusion.

demos: ROFLMAO! that is hilarious! i was a little confused about the whole "digging a hole" thing, but i thought it worked, so i was all "okay".

val: *they both stand over the hole looking into it*

bella: "so.....now what. "

ee: "now, i fill it back in. yeah, yeah, its an old vampire custom."

bella: "i don't think that is true. i goggled about vampires remember. and it didn't say anything like that"

demos: emmet would walk by and piss in his hole while he's digging it!

bella: "see!! i knew this wasn't a vampire thing! he just peed in your stupid hole!"

*another day, another convo*

val: do you ever wish EE was real? i do. i think he'd be hilarious to hang out with. he'd totally have dramatic exits and entrances. like arrive at bella's house wearing a cape!

demos: the cape would be gold to match his eyes! *sigh* i do wish ee were real. we'd be best friends!

val: i am so glad that you also wish he was real. and he'd totally match his eyes to the cape, because anything worth doing is worth doing in style.


demos: That is totes EE's motto!

yes, the above convo's are pretty much how we spend our entire workday. don't tell my boss, she thinks i am hard at work, not role playing with demosthenes.

anything worth doing is worth doing awesome,

winners! and answers.

dear readers,

hot diggity dog, ya'll!! so, as promised i am gonna announce the winners of our first giveaway, it was a lot of fun and thank you to everyone that participated.

so, the winners are:

debilyn

and

clare



* as an extra bonus, if you want, you can grab the "Your Blog is Fetch" button and stick it on your blog. *



congrats guys! email me your info and i will get your frame out to you shortly.



now, onto other biznass, your questions.

debilyn asked: "of the two of you, which one is the "mother hen"?

D: totes val. no way its me.
V: yeah, it's me. LOL i am such a worrier!


might m asked: "What is your all time favorite movie or series of movies??"

V: srsly, i can only have one? k, um, black hawk down. the hubs and i saw it on our first date. and i love war movies.
D: that would be eternal sunshine of the spotless mind


hotpants asked:"what's your favorite Adam Sandler movie? If you don't have one, we can't be friends.

D: we can't be friends :(
V: geez demos! um, i liked 50 first dates.


d2the4thpower asked:"Which way does your toilet paper hang? Under or over?"

V: i like it under, but it tends to be both ways.
D: it goes both ways ;)


kathie asked:how do you post? do you just type it up and post on a whim or do you take notes, plan out what you're going to say then write a draft, edit, etc. and then post?

D:mostly i just post based on whatever ridiculous conversation i'm having with valentine that day.

V: i never. never post without extensive editing. i don't take notes, but sometimes, usually at work, if i have an idea, i'll start a draft real quick and finish it when i get home. i get my ideas from just jared (not just jared jr) and weird convos with demosthenes.


clare asked:"Do you both like the same kind of movies or do you have a definite difference of opinion?"

D: NO. val likes crappy movies and i like awesome movies:)
V: hey now! my movies aren't crappy, just because they tend to be of the female persuasion....okay, yeah, they tend to be lame, but i love 'em.


kristina asked: "What is your favorite thing about me?"

D: that you asked such an awesome question
V: that you're snuggie-licious.


one pink fish asked: "What is your favorite vampire book series or movie?"

D: do i really have to answer that question? do you read our blog at all? :)
V: twilight! it's all we talk about and drives everyone around us insane.


kimi asked: "who is older V or D?"

V: me! by a year and a half.
D: val :(


supah~d asked: "favorite michael jackson song and why or if you hate on him... why"

D: thriller, its the only one i know.....
V: thanks for stealing my answer.....ooh! got one, beat it! thank you google.


foxy asked:"team edward or jacob?"

V: team edward, jacob is too obnoxious.
D: totes team edward. i lost all interest in jacob when he mouth raped bella in book 3. (and she forgives him????)
V: mouth raped?? sweet! lol

amy asked: D: "If you were a disney villian who would you be? and why?"


D: OMG! you must know me, you could not have asked a more perfect question for demosthenes. i didn't even have to think about it, my answer is as automatic as my name. maleficient. she is one bada** b*tch.

orange juice asked: "Where did your obsession with all things monsters come from?"

D: i'm pretty sure i'm the one with the monster obsession, not valentine. i don't know where it came from, but if you don't heart zombies, aliens, dragons, rancors, balrogs and wraiths... then there's something wrong with YOU!
V: yeah, that is all demos, the only monsters i love are the cullen's. but i do find zombies to be funny....


it's all good asked: "What's your fav pizza topping?"

V: cheese. i'm boring
D: puppies and kittens
V: what?? lol



k, on that note....... we will finish answering the rest of the questions in another post.


thanks for playing along,

random thoughts

dear LFV readers,



it is friday, i'm tired. it has been a long week, so to start off your weekend here are some random thoughts:

more often than not, when someone is telling me a story all i can
think about is that i can't wait for them to finish so that i can tell
my own story, that's not only better, but also more directly involves
me.

is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the "people you may know"
feature on facebook, are people that i do know, but i deliberately choose
not to be friends with?




there is a great need for a sarcasm font.





coloring in the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron
test is absolutely terrifying.






mapquest really needs to start their directions on #5. pretty sure i
know how to get out of my neighborhood.

just sayin'

p.s. what random thoughts do you have?

Don't forget that today is the last day for our giveaway! click here to sign up!!!

twi fashion (or lack there of)

dear valentine,


apparently stephanie meyer isn't the only one with a case of sexually transmitted broken eyes. it seems to be spreading throughout the series and infecting everyone who comes into contact with twilight.

here is some more bad twi fashion for your enjoyment, this time from the movies.

isn't there some rule about not wearing white past labor day? or maybe it was don't wear white past 1987? and to especially never wear white with..... more white.

alice, the homeless "cat" lady down the street wants her coat back. (i'm pretty sure this coat is made of actual cat fur)

now don't get me wrong, i LOVE this jacket. and when i say i love this jacket i mean i want to wear it. as in, i'm pretty sure its a womans jacket, and theres no way he bought this in the mens section. very manly edward. very manly.



side note: what the what kind of gloves are on bella's hands in this pic?!?! is she getting ready to handle radioactive material? or is she trying to hide the fact that her hands are slowly transforming into alien tentacles like wikus in District 9?)

bella and alice apparently ripped off the homeless cat lady together, then flipped a coin to see who got to keep the ugly sweater and who got to keep the cat fur coat. i have to wonder, does it still smell like gin and cat pee?

the bar has been set david slade. its up to you now to maintain an atrocious fashion sense in eclipse. we'll be watching.




p.s. don't forget to join the fun and email us your honest movie poster!

back to school visit

dear school children,


it's that time of year again, when you are heading back to school. your awesome aunty's valentine and demosthenes understand that it can be hard when school starts back up. all the late nights, barbeque's, and sleeping in late are traded in for going to bed early, (before it's dark no less) homework and waking up effing early. to make things a little easier, we have decided to stop by for a visit and bring you some awesome presents.

sometimes what makes school hard is being shy, insecure or maybe just a loner. well, the affirmation ball is here to help. no longer will you have to rely on others to give you the praise you deserve. shake the ball next time you are feeling blue and encouraging words such as "your breath is so minty" and "you look marvelous" will get you through the day.

*this ball also works for the narcissist in your life, no longer will you be required to add to their already big ego.*

the morning routine of a school child is already full of anxiety with out adding the extra stress of how to do your hair. this is where the what shall i wear? decision hair spinner comes in. it takes out all the guesswork and saves you time. all you have to do is flick the plastic spinner and pray like you've never prayed before that it doesn't land on the dorothy hamill. this handy dandy spinner also includes a fold out stand and hanger so you can prop on your dresser or hang by your mirror.

a necessary item for any teenager. what better way to cheer up an emotionally distressed teen than with the despair pennant? this pennant helps drive home what all teens already know, life is a tragedy. celebrate the darker side of life.



usually demos and i will end our visit with a gift to your parents, but we decided that this visit is all about you. you are the ones that are going back to that awful hell. so we are gonna give you an extra gift.

how can you be expected to go to school without a total kick asphalt pirate lunch box? not only is it cool looking, but the pirate emblem is a theft deterrent. i mean, who is gonna steal the lunch of a pirate? believe you me, this lunchbox is gonna raise your coolocity by 100%, trust!

have a great school year,




p.s. don't forget about the awesome giveaway. click here to get signed up.

cadeau

dear fabulous LFV readers,

hot dang! i am so excited to finally being doing a giveaway. we reached 50 followers a short while back and i thought it would be fun to do one for it. so, this is my giveaway, demosthenes will be doing the next one, when we reach 100 posts, which is approaching fast!so, when i started this blog 4 months ago, i never imagined i would have so much fun and meet such wonderful blog friends. you all have been so awesome, so as a thank you for all the blog amour:

i am gonna do a giveaway for both of these beautiful frames, so 2 people will get 1 frame each. these are incredible frames, if i do say so myself, which i do because i totally made them!!

when my dear blog friend, debilyn had her 100th post, she did this awesome Q&A for her giveaway, i thought that sounded like fun. so, all you have to do to enter is leave a comment on this post, which includes a question you'd like to ask to get to know me or demosthenes better (i guess just indicate V, D or B for both, in your question).

each comment that contains a question counts as one entry, and each commenter can submit up to 2 questions, which means you can have a couple of entries. the only rule is that you can only ask ONE question per comment. it starts today, mon, aug 17 and runs until fri, aug 21. i will announce the winners on aug. 24. oh and make sure that i have some way to contact you.

*sorry, this will only be open to those that live in the united states and canada*

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so slowly, but surely, one thing at a time, demos and myself have decided to reveal a little about ourselves. our newest reveal? photos! that's right, you can now see our darling mugs. it may not seem like a big deal, but it is for me and demos. we were initially planning to be completely anonymous, as you can see, we are slowly changing our minds. anyways, this is us.

a note from demosthenes as to why we posted pics: "mostly I thought we should post pics just so no one thinks we're THOSE girls. Ya know, the ones with cheeto crumbs on their shirts and unwashed hair". so true demos, so true.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

so, speaking of returning blog love, letters from valentine, has been nominated for a couple of Blogger Choice Awards, so this is my humble plea to click on our badges, that are oh so conveniently located in the top right corner, and vote for us. you will be eternally fetching awesome!

rollin' it giveaway style,

lollipop guild

dear marilyn,


i realize that this is kinda old news, but what can i say, i found it to be funny and wanted to talk about it. i was talking to my lovely coworker, delilah, the other day and for some reason, you came up. and she had mentioned the rumor that you had a rib removed so you would be able to, um, you know, "lick your own lollipop."


i had never heard this before, but i thought that if this procedure was possible, we would never see men again. they would no doubt be in their basement's. all day, takin care of biznass. they would have no need to socialize, because the only reason most men even come out into society is to meet the ladies. but if they don't need ladies, then why bother.

but then i thought, they wouldn't be hanging out in their basements. no, they would be all spread out on the porch, like a dog. going to town for all the world to see. great, marilyn, you have turned all men into gross dogs. are you happy now?

i was curious if this rumor was true, but it must not be, because you are still dating women. if it was true and the surgery worked, surely you wouldn't need to be these ladies. unless, after going through the trouble to make it possible, you realized that you don't actually care for the taste of your lollipop. you finally realized what all the girls were complaining about. why they kept insisting you buy them some nice jewelry, after seeing how many licks it took to get to the center of the tootsie roll pop.....um, yeah, that was totally gross.


i feel sorry for all the lucky, lucky ladies in your life,

honest movie posters

dear valentine,


wow do i wish i could claim this idea as mine! unfortunately i can't, but when i read this article i knew they were on to something. wouldn't it be amazing if hollywood was this blatantly honest? and proudly displayed their negative reviews like badges of honor?

i mean, we're all thinking it anyway. they may as well be up front about some of the piece of sh*t movies they've inflicted on the world. the article i read had some great posters, but they were missing what i consider to be some key movies in american culture (and some less than key movies, but ones i wanted to do any way). so i decided to go and create some of my own. these are completely real reviews, thanks to some quick searches at rottentomatoes.com.

p.s. feeling creative? why not make your own movie poster and email it to us. we'll post them in an upcoming letter. you know you wanna, it'll be so fetch.

mona lisa frowns

dear crazy lady,

so are we gonna talk about that whole awkward situation thing at the Louvre? you know, when you very randomly and suddenly decided to throw your cup of tea at the mona lisa.....yeah, it was kinda weird.

what's even weirder is that the article actually specificies that you threw a cup of "english breakfast tea". that seems like an odd detail to include. why does it matter what kind of tea it was? is this gonna spark a whole big thing? are they gonna have to add warning labels to that tea saying "may cause erratic and unpredictable behavior" nice. are people gonna now study the erratic behaviors of drinkers of that kind of tea?


i imagine the convo later with the louvre security guy (whose name i totally made up, but i think philip would like his title) and the real police, that's right, it's valentine theater:

police officer: what has happened here?

master protection officer, philip bedeau: well, i was standing by one of the pillars, noticing that i had a spot on my uniform. wouldn't you know it that the day that something happens, i have a spot on my uniform. all of my coworkers and friends are gonna see this. i am never going to live this down......

* PO interrupts*

PO: what about the painting? jump to the part about what happened with the painting.

MPO: oh yes. yes of course. an angry woman has thrown her cup of english breakfast tea at the mona lisa. which i for one, am shocked about.

*P.O taking notes*

PO: threw tea at mona lisa

MPO: *ahem* it was english breakfast tea

PO: what?

MPO: you said she threw tea, when it was actually english breakfast tea


PO: what difference does it make?


MPO: loads! your typical EBT, is a full bodied, robust and rich black tea blend.
it's very different from your typical irish breakfast tea which is full bodied black tea, but a malty brew.
and don't get me started on the different types of green teas......


PO: fine. fine. she threw english breakfast tea.

okay, back to you crazy lady. i am just so very confused as to why you would want to attack the mona lisa? was she looking at you the wrong way? giving you a dirty look? it's just all so very bizarre. i am just curious if you noticed the massively thick bullet proof glass that surrounds the painting? maybe you were too busy with your craziness to notice. so unfortunately your act of defiance just made a mess on the floor and pissed off a janitor.

kristen's teen choice

dear kristen,


i don't know what to say in regards to your outfit choice for the teen choice awards. are those sharp, spiky blades attached to your skirt? why yes i believe they are.

source

okay, why are there sharp spikes on your dress? are they for cuttin' all the b**ches that try to come near you? or try to get near rob? if that's the case, i'll throw on my knife skirt and meet you down there. we can protect rob together. we'll be like the skirtblade sisters.


the thing is, this could have been such a great outfit, if only you had left the spikes at home. it would have been very young hollywood. fresh and cute. but instead, it just makes me wanna shout out:


yes, we get it! you're tough. you're a bada**. you're joan effing jett!! but here's the thing, you're not joan jett. you're just a confused teenage girl with a very. very. bad mullet. (why, oh why did you let them cut your hair???)


the thing that confuses me the most is, how are you and rob gonna get it on later in that thing? i would love to see him try to manuever this. it would be quite the feat. i don't even think the jackass guys would try to attempt it. your skirt is gonna frickin skewer rob's junk! and i take issue with that because we have a dumpster date later, so i can't have you all edward scissor hands-ing the goods. come on!



to be fair, you weren't the only girl there who wore a questionable outfit.....

source

miley cyrus. miss. disney, herself wore this. looks like halloween came early this year and the good girl decided to go as the slutty nurse, the naughty librarian a whore. (you're welcome whoever said we need to talk about whores more often ;)

can you believe this chick is 16? when i was 16 i had braces, a mom haircut (you know, a haircut given by mom. in your kitchen) and wearing irregular jeans (they sell them cheap if there is something wrong with them. remember that demos? remember? good times.) and we wonder why there are so many child predators, 16 doesn't look like it used to. why wasn't chris hansen at this thing?


um, i think i may have gotten slightly off topic. k, to sum up, you're skirt is an emergency room visit waiting to happen and miley looks like a story book disney whore princess.


tell rob i'll see him later. and to ignore all notes from demos,

awardalicious

dear fetchin' awesome blog friends,


this has been an amazing week! we have received some really great awards. i am sorry that it has taken me a couple of days to get to them. but, demos and i are supes excited about all the blog lovin' that is going around. you guys totally rock!

the awesome lovelies at dtothe4thpower ( who has the cutest and so very creative craft ideas.)

and one pink fish (she home schools and finds the coolest things online) passed the one lovely blog award. thanks ladies!

the amazing orange juice ( she has some really cool craftivities for kids) passed the butterfly award. merci!

the ever so sweet and talented amy at happily ever after, not only passed on this fantastic de-lurker award, but she also made it! see what i mean by talented. it is totally sweet. gracias!

the absolutely fabulous kathie at my net finds (she finds some fetch things online.)passed on the you're a gem award, that she also created! there are some srsly talented women in blogland. grazie!

k, it was really hard (that's what he said) to decide which awards to pass on and which rules to follow. so, after much debate, flipping of a coin and consulting my advisor, a magic 8 ball, i decided, what the hale. and made up my own rules.


since i have already received the lovely blog award before, i am opting to not pass it on again. so i will start with the butterfly award:

1. lizzie at infectious chatter

2. amy at happily ever after

3. sarah at that's what she said

4. supah d at adventures of a wanna be supah mommy

5. foxy at the fox den

6. one pink fish at one pink fish




the de-lurker was created to award all of the non-lurkers, and to thank them for their non-lurking lifestyle:

1. rawan at rawan's random thoughts

2. darrah at dtothe4thpower

3. kimi at so many kids, so little time

4. kathie at my net finds

5. orange juice at orange juice

you're a gem award is for the special bloggers who take the time to not only read my posts, but also leave comments, respond to comments, form blog friendships with and support others...the ones who are a real "gem" in the bloggy world:

1. alicia at it ain't easy being cheesy

2. kristina at pulsipher predilections

3. whitney at the king and i

4. debilyn at definitely debilyn

5. hotpants at handbags & handguns

6. kristin atbonbon rose

and last, but oh so very not least, the delightful debilyn at definitely debilyn has tagged LFV for 6 things that make us happy. since we are rule breakers, we are each listing 6 things that make us happy.

valentine:

1. fresh, clean laundry

2. cheesecake

3. the office

4. mountains

5. fall

6. presents

demosthenes:

1.rockin out (when no one is watching) to songs that used to
be popular when i was in high school

2. the fraggles

3. eating bread

4. listening to thunderstorms

5. halloween

6. seattle




you are all fetchalicious,

p.s. i think there has been some slight confusion about our commenting. for anyone who is curious, demosthenes does not comment. not at all. what can i say, she's lame. but if we were to get technical, she doesn't actually even blog. she just happens to email me random letters that i just happen to post. on a blog. so sorry, all comments are made by me. and just me.

frailty, thy name is stephenie meyer

* this post has an effing, fetching, hilarious letter warning*

dear stephanie meyer,


i gave you fair warning last week, your time has come. wth were you thinking when you wrote out the clothing descriptions for your characters?!?! are your eyes broken? do you have sexually transmitted fugly clothes disease?

maybe i’m being too harsh, and you just don’t own any magazines that were printed after 1993. or you had to browse your high school year book for fashion inspiration. i will let LFV readers be the judge.


here is my best visual representation of your terrible fashion descriptions in twilight.

exhibit a:

edward and bella are dining out at port angeles and we get the very first description of edwards clothes. the most perfectly handsome man in the world, and you dress him in an “ivory turtleneck sweater with a light beige leather jacket”. wtf? anyone who still owns a turtleneck needs to relinquish any and all cool points awarded in my last post. (i can’t help it, i don’t make the rules)

exhibit b:

the meadow scene is one of the sweetest and most tender scenes in the whole series. and he’s dressed like chuck norris in a bad 70’s cop flick. (note to readers, in the book his shirt is actually unbuttoned down his stomach, showing off his chest too.... who does that? chester sex offender much?)

exhibit c:

and in new moon you manage to introduce a vampire tranny to young impressionable minds. i’m talking about heidi of course. she’s wearing “dark tights, the shortest of mini skirts, and a long sleeved, high necked but close fitting red vinyl shirt.” what the what? red vinyl shirt?

as in all her friends get stuck to her when they give her hugs? i couldn't even find a single picture of a red vinyl shirt when googling for this post. i found this shirt when i googled “michael jackson red leather shirt”. no sh*t, true story.

exhibit d:

in breaking dawn, alice builds bella an enormous walk in closet that is larger than her master bedroom, and what is it filled with? this:

oh stephanie, sigh. what would we do without your books? we would definitely have a lot less laughter in our lives, and we'd prolly be much more productive at work.

p.s. as always, we should mention that we absolutely LOVE you and your incredible books, just not your choice of their clothes ~valentine~